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Original poster

Can I really stay in the same village as my husband and his new girlfriend?

30 replies

hormonalandheartbroken · 20/05/2023 20:25

Please bare with me this is a long one. Back in October my husband told me he wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted to leave and live on his own. I was shocked, I honestly didn't see it coming as I was really happy with our life. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said not. After a couple of weeks of him sleeping in the spare room he came and asked me if I thought there was a way back for us and said he thought he was depressed. He admitted he has been messaging someone else but it hadnt gone further. I rallied round him because i thought our marriage was worth saving, got him some private counselling and he said he was starting to feel better and things were becoming clearer. He wasn't happy at work so changed his job. I then found out I was pregnant (we already have a 3 year old) I was devastated to be honest. I didn't even tell him for two whole weeks while I decided what to do. I eventually told him and he was really happy then two weeks later he said he didn't think another baby was a good idea. I went away for the weekend and arrange for our child to stay out so he could have some space. When I came back he was full of apologise wanted to keep the baby and make it work so we were back to normal. Fast forward to Easter Sunday when he tells me again he wasn't happy and was moving out. By this point I've had enough, he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling prior to this. He arranged his own rented house and was waiting for his date to move in whilst still sharing my bed and still have sex (I know bad move on my part). I then find out the girl is still hanging round in the back ground and they have been messaging and calling and last weekend I find out they have been for a drink together in one of the other pubs in the village. I asked him to leave and he went straight to hers of course and will be there until he gets his keys. He is moving to the next village thankfully but she still lives in the same one as me and now I feel like I can't stay here. I drove to the doctors and she was driving towards me the other way, she is receptionist where I have my midwife appointments her sister works in the local shop. There is not getting away from it. I feel like I want to run away and hide but the other part of me knows I've done nothing wrong and I've built a life here. Why should leave? I'm half hoping it won't last and he will try and come back so that I can tell him to do one but then I think what if it doesn't and I have to see them everywhere. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has been in this situation? It's only 7 weeks until I am due and I don't even feel excited for the baby.

OP posts:
Twazique · 21/05/2023 09:14

I would tell your midwife and ask for a STD screening just in case.

fairydust11 · 21/05/2023 09:17

tatteddear · 21/05/2023 07:58

My exh had an affair with my friend. We lived in a small town, mixed social group, kids at school together and in the same sports teams.
Everywhere I went there either she or they were. I became avoidant about going out at all as I just couldn't face seeing her or them together. (I was more hurt by her actions than him for various reasons). I felt that everyone knew about it and was gossiping about me, and the whole thing was just awful.
I stuck it out for a year or so but then I moved-the two of them weren't going to and had busied themselves telling lots of lies about me to make themselves look better-(which weren't that successful but still out there).
I didn't go far-my kids were still in school there and had to still see their Dad with ease (he had cheated on me not them), just to a village about 15 mins away-but it had it's own services (Dr etc) and I could easily access the town in the other direction for shops and going out etc.
It was the best thing I ever did and the only way I was able to get my mental health back in order and start to heal.
People said at the time 'why should you move when they are in the wrong?' But that doesn't matter to most people a year down the line when they are busy with their own lives. It just seeing mutual friends and acquaintances being normal towards them tbh. Understandable-people just don't care that much if it doesn't directly affect them-but still hard to see. And by their very nature these people-your ex and this woman-have no shame-they are unlikely to find any and do the right thing now. Just the victim-you op here-is left still having to dread going out etc. Far better to have a new start away from the memories and the people that have caused you harm imo.

I'm sorry you have gone through this. But you will come through the other side. You just have to make active choices for yourself now and for what will be best for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Sorry to read what you went through. I agree with you.

Op - At the end of the day it’s you that is living through this day in, day out, I think it would become too stressful to stay where you are in the long term, even though you haven’t done anything wrong & shouldn’t have to leave.

You mention your family aren’t living nearby, could you consider moving to be closer to them?

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

Timeforchangeithink · 21/05/2023 09:22

I would move. To me that's the strongest thing to do although many see it as running away I see it as taking control of the situation. Why should you stay somewhere you'll always feel worried about bumping into them, don't give them that power.

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 09:31

This is a horrible situation, but you absolutely shouldn't leave. For several reasons

  • You've done nothing wrong. They should (and I expect will) be the ones feeling uncomfortable. If anyone leaves it should be them. You moving away would be doing them a favour and releiving their guilt a little (if they have any).
  • This new relationship likely won't last. Don't make big decisions like moving house over something that might not exist in a few weeks or months time.
  • Presumably you like your home and your life there. You have a small child and a baby on the way - moving is a big deal in any circumstances, but in yours it may create more stress than the potential of bumping in to them creates.
  • Know that anyone who doesn't know about your situation is unaware. And anyone who does know is judging them, and is sympathetic towards you. Hold your head high.
Grimbelina · 21/05/2023 09:41

I can't imagine how stressful this must be, and while pregnant I think you need to bide your time, process what has happened to you, take care of yourself as best you can and start making very practical plans which you can enact once the baby is born.... unless the stress of living so close to them is actually going to be more stressful than moving itself. It also depends whether you are renting (and who will pay the rent?) or whether you own etc.

Where will you have the most support with the new baby? Do you think your DH will be hands on? Would it be from DH's parents? Your own? From your friends? Is there good childcare in your area which you might need in the future?

What about school for the 3 year old? When will you be applying? Is the best setting where you are now or somewhere else, maybe nearby?

Don't rush into anything right now in any case and concentrate on getting all your support in place.

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