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Original poster

Want ex husband out of my house

35 replies

BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 15:31

Bit of back story; we split in October 2022 and agreed that I would stay in the house (rented, now transferred in my name only) and he would move out. It's now been 6 months and he's still here.

He doesn't work and refuses to find a job. He says no landlords will except him because he has no money for deposit and no guarantor. So that's it, we stay in this limbo. We have a 3 year old DD and split time with her 50/50 so he's here half the week and at his new gfs house/his mum's the other half. He only pays me £100/per month towards everything he and DD use (gas, electric, internet,etc) while he's here.

I'm completely trapped, I can't force him to leave because then my daughter would have no where to go for his half of the week (his mum has a big dog, not safe around kids). He's had his gf in my house while I was away to meet my child after knowing her a couple weeks. I can't even live normally in my house while he's looking after DD because she kicks up a huge fuss if she sees me during his time, so half the week I'm stuck upstairs not being able to do anything. Do I have any options here? I'm on benefits as I have a long term health condition and receive PIP.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 20/05/2023 15:32

Tell him to leave and go to GF or anywhere else then. He is not your problem. He will soon have to sort out how he maintains contact with his DD.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 20/05/2023 15:33

Just tell him to leave, why would he bother if you give him a free ride

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/05/2023 15:34

Honestly? Tell him he has to leave, and if he doesn't leave wait until he's out of the house, get the locks changed, pack his gear up and leave them outside. And don't let him back jn, make sure you get a chain on the front door.

Dillydollydingdong · 20/05/2023 15:35

Speak to your council or housing association. They might be able to evict him as he has no right to be there without agreement.. And if he has nowhere to take your dd he won't be able to have her at all will he? He sounds like a deadbeat and you're well rid.

CherryCokeFanatic · 20/05/2023 15:35

Change the locks next time he is off to GFs and have his stuff waiting for him on his return.

Babyroobs · 20/05/2023 15:42

He can possibly get help with a deposit for a rental property form the council. Then he claims benefits to help with the rent. Or he lives at his mums and just sees your dd to take her out for days etc if she's not safe around the dog. Does he claim unemployment benefits in his own right or id he still on joint claim with you.

Beautiful3 · 20/05/2023 15:56

Tell him to leave and change the locks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2023 16:08

Do you want to be 50/50 contact with him? The easiest option would be to refuse him entry and have your dd live with you until he sorts himself out. He’s more likely to do this if you stop acting as his safety net.

Velvian · 20/05/2023 16:10

Stop hiding during his time. It's your house.

Anaemiafog · 20/05/2023 16:17

If it's a private rent I'd leave. He wouldn't be able to afford the house on his own. If council/HA I'd change the locks while he's not there. If he's not down as living there (do DWP or whoever it is know he still lives with you?) there's nothing he can do if you do this. The £100 a month is taking the piss, no wonder he doesn't need to work.

rwalker · 20/05/2023 16:29

His problems are his problems not yours to solve

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2023 16:49

Get him out.

Let him make arrangements for your DD on his time - he may have to be a McDonalds dad for the time being - his problem not yours.
Don't let him use your home for access.
And if he doesn't have her 50/50 then get the CSA after him. He'll have to pay something out of his benefits.

You can't move on and have a normal life with him there

RenovationNightmare · 20/05/2023 16:59

If you are on benefits and receive pip then in your position I'd change the locks and text him afterwards while he is at his girlfriend's. I'd also pack up all his stuff and ask him to come round to collect them at a set time (I'd ask a relative to be in the house at that time in case he kicks off). He is trying to secure another cocklodger placement instead of getting a job, this is not your problem to solve. He will not be able to do 50/50 until he has a safe and secure location for your child. That location should not be your home, make that clear to him. He needs to fix this, not you.

BMW6 · 20/05/2023 17:24

Get the fucker out. Change the locks. If he hasn't got a suitable home that DD can stay with him at then surely she just stays with you and he can visit, take her out to park etc like any other non resident parent.

LadyJ2023 · 20/05/2023 18:41

So you really think this is an ok situation for your child to be around 🤔 me he would have been kicked out long ago children or not place to go or not. I would never want an unsettled life for my kids, new gfs, dad here and not here etc etc and basically sponging off you aswell. Sorry but if he hasn't got a place let him take her for the day and return her at night I would be keeping my kids overnights with me. Get rid and make a happier better life for yourself and your child make a stand and stop this foolishness

LadyJ2023 · 20/05/2023 18:42

Oh and by the way you give him a date to be packed and out and if not the police facilitate him leaving as he has no rights not being on the tenancy which is greatly in your favour

Cherrysoup · 20/05/2023 19:31

Tell him to get out, tough. He agreed and has now backtracked. Bang out of order.

Original poster
BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 20:03

Thanks for all your replies so far. DD has behaviour problems (starting assessment for ADHD/autism) and I can't cope with her on my own. I don't have anyone else who can take her. I have mental health problems including a panic disorder that started when she was born (severe colic and health problems) and I would really struggle to take her full time, even if he did take her out for some of the time on his days. He really wanted children and I didn't but I agreed to try on the promise that he'd always take on 50/50 parental responsibility. He knows all this and knows that I can't cope on my own so he's perfectly comfortable not doing anything to provide a home for her on his own

OP posts:
YoucancallmeKAREN · 20/05/2023 20:04

He is not your problem. He is an adult therefore should have a job but of course he doesn't need one does he, after all he has found a mug to pay the bills. He can take your Daughter to his mothers.

Original poster
BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 20:34

YoucancallmeKAREN · 20/05/2023 20:04

He is not your problem. He is an adult therefore should have a job but of course he doesn't need one does he, after all he has found a mug to pay the bills. He can take your Daughter to his mothers.

And have her around a dog that's aggressive towards small children?

OP posts:
Original poster
BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 20:39

LadyJ2023 · 20/05/2023 18:41

So you really think this is an ok situation for your child to be around 🤔 me he would have been kicked out long ago children or not place to go or not. I would never want an unsettled life for my kids, new gfs, dad here and not here etc etc and basically sponging off you aswell. Sorry but if he hasn't got a place let him take her for the day and return her at night I would be keeping my kids overnights with me. Get rid and make a happier better life for yourself and your child make a stand and stop this foolishness

Regardless of what happens going forward her life is going to be unsettled, how can it not be with separated parents? Going between two houses for the rest of her life. I've already failed her, all she's ever going to know now is disruption.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 20:43

Babyroobs · 20/05/2023 15:42

He can possibly get help with a deposit for a rental property form the council. Then he claims benefits to help with the rent. Or he lives at his mums and just sees your dd to take her out for days etc if she's not safe around the dog. Does he claim unemployment benefits in his own right or id he still on joint claim with you.

I'll look into the help from the council.
In terms of taking her out for the day, I'm just not understanding how he can take her out for the entire day, three days a week, I feel like that'd be much harder on DD who doesn't cope well in new environments, especially for like 10 hours a day

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 20/05/2023 21:04

BumsnetHQ · 20/05/2023 20:43

I'll look into the help from the council.
In terms of taking her out for the day, I'm just not understanding how he can take her out for the entire day, three days a week, I feel like that'd be much harder on DD who doesn't cope well in new environments, especially for like 10 hours a day

Show quote history

I guess the only other option is for him to have your dd more than 50% of the time, he applies for council housing based on needing to move out and likely gets higher priority because he is responsible for a child, but then he claims the child element of UC and the 2 bed housing / rent element that would go with that. You need to have a serious chat with him regarding what is going to be best for your child in terms of stability and maintaining a relationship with you both.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 20/05/2023 21:06

Won't your mh actually improve without him? You give him far too much credit for being there...

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 20/05/2023 21:11

Oh OP, this is a bit of a mess. It is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be raised in. However, If you feel there is no other option you need to make peace with it and get on with it. If I were you? I would work on myself and get to a place where I didnt need him. He isn't going to get a job or a place of his own, why would he? He gets to pay 100 quid a month and have a roof over his head. Only you can change the situation and if you can't then it is what it is.