Doesn’t want relationship?

[YetAnotherBlokeLurking]

Man here (obvs from user name!) seeking female opinion.
I’ve recently been seeing a lot of someone and all the usual signs of our friendship developing into a romantic relationship have been present.
We’ve kissed and cuddled but she had said that she doesn’t want a relationship however she continues to want to spend a lot of time with me, meals, coffee, drinks, walks etc.
As a man I wouldn’t be still doing this if the roles and intentions were reversed.
Whats the female perspective in this kind of situation?

Excuse me? Where did I say I just want sex? Maybe I phrased it badly. Perhaps I should have said I could live at least initially without a full time relationship.
That said, how can any relationship start out committed before you’ve explored compatibility, discussed exclusivity etc.
I’d be pursuing other avenues if all I wanted was sex.
What a judgemental post!

Totally inappropriate and your last sentence is offensive. See my reply to @YouAreNotBatman

It looks like you're being played, time to stop wasting your time and move on.

I'm guessing she is younger than you.
Is she?
She is loading you like a fiddle.

You need to find someone who is really into you, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for heartache.

So you've had a kiss and she's decided she just wants friendship - if you want more than friendship you either need to get over it or cut contact with her.

Actions speak louder than words.

I tend to find that men think there's chemistry when they want there to be, whereas a woman may just be friendly and nice. Friends really don't know, it's a feeling not necessarily something visual.

I am seeing a guy for drinks etc and I really enjoy his company but I don't want a relationship with him, I have told him this. He's not a placeholder, he's a friend. We don't kiss.

I find it interesting that you don't want a committed relationship. It sounds as though you have a casual relationship now without sex. Personally I would know if I have had a number of dinners, walks and coffee with someone whether I thought of that person as someone that I could have a committed relationship with.

Has she elaborated on why she doesn't want a relationship?

Have you stopped the kissing and cuddling, is that a thing of the past?

Could you just be her friend (maybe with less regular contact) if she continues in this vein?

And yeah, pretty much this.

Thing is, upthread you’ve basically said you want casual shags and not a relationship. I think she wants an actual relationship not a friend with benefits. You might have to cut your losses here because not everyone subscribes to the screw first get to know each other later ethos. Plenty of women would feel used in that scenario and I think your ladyfriend is one of those people.

Sorry if that offends.

She doesn't want a relationship- or at least, she doesn't want one with you. She's been clear on that. So either enjoy the casual relationship.. or, you be clear in saying that doesn't suit you.

The only thing I have learned about relationships is that they should be easy. If someone likes you and was interested you would know!

I think it is best to move on as you don't seem to want the same thing.

So what is the age difference OP?

So she's a fair bit younger and dating with the aim of finding a relationship.

You are older and are dating with the aim to getting shags.

She sees this difference in intention, doesn't want to take it further with you, but happy to spend time with you. She doesn't feel the sexual connection as you've kissed/cuddled but she's stopped there as she doesn't really see you like that.

Does that fit?

Yes by 2 years.

You probably have to move on OP, it doesn’t seem to work.

I am married but if I was single and dating, your way of approaching it would t work for me. I am not into casual sex or sex outside a committed relationship. I would want to be truly into someone, fancy them a lot and trust them in order to have a sexual relationship.

the whole “not into a committed relationship but maybe at some point, let’s have sex first and see how we get on wouldn’t work for me.

no judgment whatsoever, we are all different and need to be in relationships that work for us and the way we approach relationships.

Lesbian perspective here: if she say’s she doesn’t want a relationship, take her at her word. By that I mean don’t hold on to any idea that this can change.

Behaving as though in a relationship does not mean she actually wants to formally be in one. Yes, that does mean you’ll be receiving mixed messages.

You need to decide whether this is ok for you. If it is, then relax and enjoy your time with her. If it isn’t, then that’s ok, you are allowed to have boundaries but then you’ll have to ready to walk away.

I’ve just got out of a relationship like this. We did have sex often, and it was the best. I slept over, we went on dates but he said he wasn’t ready for a “total relationship” as he has a mess with his kids mum.
I was ok with this, but I started to fall for him badly. He also said he loved me and then he became distant and we broke up because he had a birthday party, didn’t invite me and lied about it.

@exdrivesmemad
Errmm...nothing like the situation in this thread.

OP, did she instigate the kissing?

I don't see any mixed messages really. She just doesn't fancy you. She doesn't want sex with you or a romantic relationship. Clear as day. She enjoys your company as a friend.

And whichever weirdo came out with the statement "she's using you for company"... What again? You mean like the definition of a friendship?
Or should I take offence to someone using me for the great company I offer? 😂

You might be in a bit of denial there about not wanting a relationship yourself. It sounds like you see a lot of each other, and as you also kiss and cuddle, it's only really the step of sex that is making it not a relationship really. She's holding back on that because she knows it's what sets it apart from being a relationship.
Now you, however, sound like you'd like to take that step, while at the same time claiming you are not after a relationship either. Sex is not always seen as a casual thing by women, we don't compartmentalise the same way. I think she's holding off on that because she knows it will lead her to want one, whereas you've said you don't, so she'd end up getting hurt by that.
You need to decide if you honestly would be up for a relationship with her before you sleep with her. If the answer is no, don't pursue it. If the answer is yes, it's up to you to decide on whether hanging in there longer, will change her mind or circumstances, and how long you could wait it out. Maybe you are already at the point of waiting too long, in which case, backing off a while is fine.