Miss ex so much. Posting here so I don't contact him

[Teaforthree3]

Ex (2 years together) broke up with me last week, saying he didn't feel an 'emotional connection.' I was heartbroken but had to accept it and walked away.

Then a few days later he texted saying he missed me a lot and the breakup was 'probably the biggest mistake of my life'. So I hoped he'd changed his mind and said I missed him too. But then he repeated that he didn't feel an emotional connection.
So why text me then? I feel worse and so heartbroken and depressed.

We had spent every weekend together and I thought things were good, great sex etc. Admittedly he had untreated depression and an alcohol problem.

How can I move on? I can't just switch off my love for him.

Personal opinion but it's shitty to tell you he regrets it but still no emotional connection when you reply you miss him too. If he wants out he could at least give you time. It comes across as game playing to me and doesn't show any care. Almost like he's testing to see if he could get back if he wanted to and have a back up. I had this with an ex when I was younger. He wanted to try single life but have the comfort of us getting back together if the grass wasn't greener.

Sorry to state the obvious but give yourself time, do things you enjoy and do not contact him at all. So hard I know. Dealing with a break up myself (insecure clingy partner who I feel was emotionally abusive). I miss him loads but I take each day and lucky I have my friends and my little boy to keep me distracted. Anytime the urge to message is there come on here. Its a wonderful community.

Just take it one say at a time, time is a great healer. I had this once and saw someone who said just hang in there for three months. I guarantee if you don't contact him for three months you'll feel better. Putting a time frame on it is good too as you just need to focus on getting through that. Reconnect with old friends, learn something new, exercise and I'm know things will start to look brighter.

just takes time. Keep yourself busy. Make lots of arrangements so you have a nice things to do. Be kind to yourself.

It’s a bit mean of him to say he regrets it but then there is no emotional connection. He’s not thinking of your feelings here… it will get easier.

I think he is a shit, what a head fuck thing to do. Sounds to me hes had a pang and messaged you for a ego boots now hes got it he gets to regect you again.

My advice is your better off without that, in 12 months from now you will see how far youve come and will be in a better place.

Was that love you were really feeling or was this infact codependency?. Codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand.

He has given your own self here a real headfuck and that will take time to recover from. He is a complete shit to have done this to you and I would now block him completely.

"Admittedly he had untreated depression and an alcohol problem".

You're better off without him in the long run particularly if he has an alcohol problem. Alcohol as well acts as a depressant and he's likely been self medicating (as many alcoholics do). His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either.

Depression and an alcohol problem. Run.

Take away his power over you here. You need to draw a line under this and block him. You are not his emotional support any more, which is what he's using you as and is using your heartache to boost his ego. BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY if you haven't already. He can bring no more good to your life at this point, get back in the driving seat and plan your next move. Keep telling yourself why you're better off without him and shut off any reminiscing good times. It's done, move on. Good luck.

Are you able to suggest that he sees the GP about his depression? If yes, and he is willing to put the work in to resolve whatever is at the root of it, then you stand a chance of having a good relationship with him going forward. If not, I'm sorry but you are better off out of it. Unless he's willing to get help, this will just repeat itself and you'll get hurt again.

Why didn't you message back "probably is yeah"

Find defiance.
Screw him.

Depression and an alcohol problem? Those are issues that would affect you long term if you stayed together, and not in a good way.
Youre better off without him. Block him so he can't keep cruelly contacting you. You can add manipulative, selfish and unkind to your list of his faults and reasons why you should avoid him like the plague.
He doesn't care about your well being, only his own.

This in bucketloads. Please please go find a man (if that's what you want) who hasn't got multiple issues. You might not know it now but this is a very lucky escape.

Agree, I think you’ve had a very lucky escape. Look after yourself.

Thanks everyone for your supportive messages. I just want to fast forward to a time when it doesn't hurt anymore but I know it will take time.

I'm almost 50 (with kids almost grown up) and this has made me feel old and unattractive and washed up :(

And I keep wondering, is 'lack of emotional connection ' just a nice way of saying 'I don't fancy you anymore '?

OP I found a break up when I was 50 more difficult than the break up of my marriage. I don't know if it's due to age or the fact it was my first realtionship post marriage.

Either way it did knock me for 6. And he had the full tooty of red flags too. He wasn't a catch at all but it took a lot of tears and self searching to move on and see it.

I was upset/heartsore/feeling lost for a while, he also kept messaging me and breadcrumbing. I did eventually block and delete him, not before emailing myself all our whatsapp chats. About maybe a month later I sat back and read them all. Good grief, what an eye opener that was. He was no good for me but it took me having taken time and cut all contact to see it. I'd read the chats over just after the break up, but a few weeks later on re reading them, they looked very different.

So my advise is to cut contact with him. Today. As you may be sitting unknowingly waiting for contact. If you block him you aren't getting any so it's easier to start the move forward.

Do something at the weekend thst you would not normally do. Try get away from routine of things you did together.

Walk, jog, hike anything physical that you are able to do. When you need to rest the mind, work the body. When you need to rest your body, work your mind. Thst saying has helped me in a lot of situations.

It's shit OP. It's shit feeling heartsore and unhappy. But I strongly feel with his issues it is a blessing in disguise right now. I hope you will see this too in time to come.

💐

@Teaforthree3 how bad was the alcohol problem? And depression? Were things really as good as you say in your OP as usually someone having untreated depression and alcohol issues don’t go hand in hand with great sex and a great relationship? I’m also wondering if there’s a bit of co-dependency here with this guy?

Thanks for your kind words. I got out for a walk in the sunshine with a friend, but kept seeing happy couples everywhere, holding hands, which made me feel sad again. We always used to hold hands when we were out and he seemed happy and affectionate.

That's also why the breakup blindsided me. Was he just faking being happy?
Of course he was self medicating with alcohol (refused to try antidepressants after one bad experience with sertraline) so he must not have been happy in reality, and I couldn't make him happy I guess.

THIS THIS THIS.

Defiance, yes. Even if you aren't really feeling it. I guarantee he won't be expecting that. Anyway, alcohol problem, depression and he doesn't have an emotional connection with you.

Even if I really liked someone, if there was an inkling of them not really fancying me, I would end it. I've been there, when I have the Ick but have not yet ended things. It's so cringey. The idea that someone might have the ick over me? That's too cringey to bear.

I think you're right that I may have co dependent tendencies.

Your almost grown-up children will be grateful that you didn't get further involved with a depressive alcoholic.

@Shapemyeyebrows The alcohol problem was binge drinking on a semi regular basis.
When sober he was charming, fun, handsome. But it seemed like in the last few months the binge drinking was getting worse and more frequent.

Look up Matthew hussey on YouTube he is really helpful to get you into a different mindset re a break up. Also I would go properly no contact so ex feels what he has lost.

@Teaforthree3 Like you say, there’s clearly unhappiness within him for him to be self medicating with alcohol. I know it’s hard not to but I really wouldn’t take this personally. I know a guy who uses alcohol to self medicate and his relationships all last around the 2 year mark. Usually they can’t keep up the facade for much longer which sounds like this may be the case with you considering you noticed things getting worse the last few months. It sounds to me like he’s done you a favour. It would have only got worse and you would have been sucked into his issues.

I wonder if he messaged you during a drinking bout? It sounds like something a drunk might do. You might want him but you don't need him. Block on everything and leave him in your memory.

Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen for you. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but an alcoholic with untreated depression (possibly caused by being alcoholic) does not make a good partner.

You will look back and be glad of this one day.

It doesn't stop you feeling bad, it's horrible when someone splits with you. But he's getting worse (you said the binges are increasing) and is generally in self-destruct at the moment. He doesn't have a track record for making sensible decisions. So don't take his decision as a reflection of you.

It could be that you aren't well matched. It could be that he wants to just focus on his addiction. It could be that this is yet another self-destructive decision on his part.