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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

School Gate Shenanigans

35 replies

Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 12:18

Hello there,

We live in a tight knit village. My youngest is in yr 5, welocated here when she was in year 4.

I'm quiet but always smile, say hello to those that do to me. When we arrived a group from DDs class invited me on a couple of lunches out. I did go, had a nice time but realised it was a gossipy so kept my distance after a while. General chit chat here and there and I'm still friendly.

These ladies have suddenly started to blank me.

I've stopped saying hello after being blank a few times and it's all feels so awkward. They're quite "aggressive", I can feel them staring, see them whispering etc.

I don't want to acknowledge their behaviour as I feel it will add fuel to the fire. How do I get over the awkwardness?!

I do the headphones thing, stand away etc by I keep seeing the group around the village and the tension feels overwhelming.

It's all a bit of a pickle to be honest, I just like to be pleasant, drop my daughter off and that's that. I don't like this negativity looming over the school run.

It all seems so odd.

Any advice?

OP posts:
cpphelp · 19/05/2023 12:22

I don't get to experience school gate stuff until September, so may be totally wrong... but I wonder if you have actually given off a non interested vibe?
From their perspective:
You only spoke when spoken to
Went to lunches that you were invited to, despite the above - then blanked them
Wear headphones in the playground.

Can you see where I'm coming from? I wonder if this is a huge lack of communication and taking out your headphones and saying hi/suggesting an end of year BBQ on the class WhatsApp might squash this?

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 12:27

I'd just be like 'what's up?'
'What, have I done something? Do enlighten me'

Catch them individually with it though. Not as a group. That way they'll be confronted with their own childishness.

LittleOwl153 · 19/05/2023 12:32

Think 1 more year to go (and maybe she'll walk herself for part of that?) Then move your thoughts onto real friends who do not revolve around the school gate gossips!

Some people make friends for life at the school gate - the majority however I think are there for the playmates, parties and gossips... and as soon as the kids hit secondary are never in the same space again!

Original poster
Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 12:33

Maybe, I spent the first lunch sussing out the situation but when we had lunch the second time and unkind things were said about particular parents/teachers again, I realised this was a common topic and the lunches were spent gossiping.

I don't like talking about others so though it was best to take a step back but still had general chit chat with everyone.

The gatherings were a while ago and the blanking is recent so it seems all of a sudden. We were all pleasant until recently.

I have chatted with people they spoke about so maybe that's an issue for them.

I'd never repeat anything I'd heard as it's not my business but they don't know that so that might be a concern.

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 19/05/2023 12:34

Why on earth do you wear headphones?

Original poster
Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 12:36

@eddiemairswife I listen to audio books. Only a small earbud.

OP posts:
Redebs · 19/05/2023 12:38

Normal for village schools.

They probably thought you were one of them, until you stopped going to lunches with them. Now they know that you know what gossipy hounds they are.

Don't wear obvious headphones. Discrete buds are better.

It's them, not you.

Throwncrumbs · 19/05/2023 12:42

They probably think you are ‘stuck up’, even if you are not. I had this at the school gates when mine were young. I used to get there and not speak, rush off then repeat at pick up. I didn’t have time for chats, gossip, or meeting up during the day for coffees, pub lunches etc. I did not tell anyone I was a nurse, working night and spent my days sleeping 9.30am to 2.30pm (5 hours) so was shattered most of the time! They thought I was snobby and up myself! I was just short of sleep and as most of these mums didn’t work they had no idea! In a few years you will look back at this time and wonder why you worried about it so much!

ButterCrackers · 19/05/2023 12:45

What horrid people and best avoided.At least you're not wasting your time in lunches. Perhaps volunteer for a school event and make friends with real people who help out rather than those who gossip in a huddle.

Inkpotlover · 19/05/2023 12:48

I have chatted with people they spoke about so maybe that's an issue for them.

I bet that's their issue. They probably thought you were part of their coven and now they're annoyed you are your own person. I wouldn't give it a second thought, unless it starts to impact your DC.

Beautyhoard · 19/05/2023 12:52

Just ask them!

Original poster
Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 12:53

Thank you.

It's very different from her school in London. Everyone was in a rush but we all said our quick hello's and I never encountered any rudeness.

Here it's feels like everyone's in each other pockets, it's very suffocating. When we moved here people wanted to know the ins and outs, who we were etc as it's such a small community newbies stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm hoping whatever is going on blows over and this unpleasant atmosphere lifts.

Thank goodness the school holidays are just around the corner!

OP posts:
Whatiswithallthisracket · 19/05/2023 12:58

This is why I live breakfast club drop off! Everyone is in a rush so there is no time for more than a polite 'good morning'. That's all anyone expects of you. It's the best thing I've ever done. Costs a bloody fortune, mind you!

Spottedsox · 19/05/2023 13:02

Perhaps you are above the small-minded behaviour & they have no idea how to behave towards you now so become as small-minded about you.
Leave them to it.
Hopefully, as time goes on, you will be in contact with more people your type.
Headphones are what you do I say be and do as you are not to conform to any of it. Pfft to them.

tailinthejam · 19/05/2023 13:09

Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 12:33

Maybe, I spent the first lunch sussing out the situation but when we had lunch the second time and unkind things were said about particular parents/teachers again, I realised this was a common topic and the lunches were spent gossiping.

I don't like talking about others so though it was best to take a step back but still had general chit chat with everyone.

The gatherings were a while ago and the blanking is recent so it seems all of a sudden. We were all pleasant until recently.

I have chatted with people they spoke about so maybe that's an issue for them.

I'd never repeat anything I'd heard as it's not my business but they don't know that so that might be a concern.

Ah... perhaps they were sussing you out too, thinking they'd get you to join the 'BitchyMums' clique, and you didn't play ball. They probably now think you are bitching about them to other people. If that's what they'd do they would assume you'd do the same thing.

I'd just carry on being smiley to everyone, and chat to whoever is nice. And keep your own counsel.

Purplefoxes · 19/05/2023 13:13

Omg OP are you sure these are fully grown women and not children in the playground. To be honest they should be ashamed of themselves. Next time you catch them whispering why don't you just laugh and give them a cheery wave. Or better yet just ignore them and breeze past them. I live in a village and it's the same to be honest. There is an impenetrable clique which has formed. But the people on the periphery are great so I just make plans with them instead. It's ok to be an introvert, or an extrovert, it's ok to wear headphones, it's ok to be you! You don't have to answer to these sad bullies desperate for attention. Don't feed the trolls! Primarily you are there to pick up the kids not deal with the cliques sad little dramas. You do you! If they can't be arsed to smile at you, well screw them eh! Don't let them get to you or play their little game. Ugh why is it always women that behave like this?! Had same from some individuals in an NCT group. Cut them out my life and cut the crap and it was better. You've got this OP😀

Stressedannni · 19/05/2023 13:15

@Wiltshirewife I feel for you. I am from that area. Key thing is posture. Stand up, wear those headphones don't give a fuck. Smile and nod at anyone who does the same to you. Mean girls rarely change. You are not the problem!

MillenialAvocado · 19/05/2023 13:17

ButterCrackers · 19/05/2023 12:45

What horrid people and best avoided.At least you're not wasting your time in lunches. Perhaps volunteer for a school event and make friends with real people who help out rather than those who gossip in a huddle.

Helping out at the school is a really good idea if you have the time (or energy to care enough what these silly gossips think of you).
DS is still in nursery but I'm dreading when I have to deal with all this school gate BS when he's older.

PizzaPastaWine · 19/05/2023 13:18

Just crack on and do your own thing.
Don't give them headspace.

And just remember that for every school mum like that there are 10 others that think their behaviour is ridiculous.

SaladRooney · 19/05/2023 13:23

I wouldn't give it too much headspace, OP. It's possible, as others have suggested, that this group, who thought that you were one of them (as in, by accepting lunch invitations, you were implicitly agreeing with the level of gossip and signing up to the unspoken 'bargain' that you wouldn't repeat it to the people they were talking about) and now that you've chosen to put some distance between you and them, they're worried about you as a free agent, who might tell their gossip subjects what is being said.

But it's not as though you liked them much, anyway, so no loss there. They'll either calm down the hostility once they realise their victims are not going to run at them screaming '@Wiltshirewife says you said I was shagging the postman!' or you'll discover that there's a rumour you're shagging the Head.

smittenkittennn · 19/05/2023 13:31

I would imagine you're seeing something that's not there. There's enough drama/politics/etc. surrounding schools that someone who's a bit disinterested would go unnoticed. Are you sure they're not absorbed in some other gossip/drama that's nothing to do with you? I couldn't get worked up re someone who is simply aloof. If you were genuinely unpleasant than that's something. I'm guessing you're reading it wrong.

Original poster
Wiltshirewife · 19/05/2023 13:40

Lots of great advice, kind words and different points of view. It's much appreciated.

I'm 46 and I feel too old for all this silliness in all honesty, I'm probably being a bit of a softie too and as others have said I shouldn't give it any head space.

Only one year to go thankfully.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 19/05/2023 14:04

Honestly OP don't let them change you.

Just smile say "good afternoon" clearly

It's ok to be nice and polite.

The only important thing is you are there to pick up your child(ren). Everything else is fluff. Treat it that way. You will be much happier as well.

Beautiful3 · 19/05/2023 14:36

It's the same here. I'm in my 40s and waiting for my youngest to finish primary school, just one more year! I stand away from them, smile and go! You have nothing to worry about. You're not missing out, they're horrible people. Leave them to it. Misery loves company!

Hettyshorses · 19/05/2023 14:49

I live in a village not so far from your county.
It’s the biggest downside. Firstly jumping through hoops to be accepted, and then deal with the busybodies that gossip and seem to feed from drama because there is literally nothing else going on for them.

This is what village life can be like, and it’s a shock if you aren’t used to it.

I would continue to be polite and civil in your place at school, and make friends outside of the school gates - exercise classes, book
clubs etc and keep the two worlds firmly apart. Then you retain your autonomy and values. Friendships within the school community can be tricky and if it blows up it may affect your child. We watched lots of groups implode over the years.