Ex is a Disney dad and feeling very resentful today

[Onestepawayfrom]

So ex has never been helpful when it comes to parenting, even while we were together, lazy and just about himself.

He has never attended one appointment for DD, appointments for autism, audiology appointments, parents evening with nursery (or just contacting nursery in general). He even got an unqualified speech therapist, she isn’t a speech therapist just done sen training in another non English speaking country, to do therapy with her without informing me (informed me 3months later) all off the advice of his current partner. Gone for a weeks holiday with the gf but can’t attend an appointment coming up. Anyway today DD has said daddy is fun, he makes her happy.. this is came about because I raised my voice (not shouting but was firm). She is young and I know she doesn’t understand the situation at all, but I just feel so resentful towards ex.. not because he gets to go off and do what he wants but more so because in my dds mind he is this amazing person while I’m here actually parenting. He can’t even be bothered to call her in between contact every other week, he doesn’t have her during the week due to work.

Not sure what I’m looking for as I know it isn’t dds fault for feeling or thinking this way, of course she’ll like the fun person who buys lots of toys. Just needed to vent I suppose

I'm in quite a similar situation. It's not fair, it's soul destroying sometimes but I remind myself that my DD really needs me - she'd be stuck if she just had him every other weekend!! I'm the one really parenting and I do take pride in it, and do it because I love her. But it is still exhausting and frustrating to be the only really active parent and still to see the other parent seem more glamorous or fun.

They grow up and they realise, I promise you. DD used to be the same. Now she enjoys the occasional visit bit is clear that a week is enough

Yes they definitely catch on. I don’t think of ex as a parent anymore. He’s always going to be an important person in their life like a favourite uncle or godparent but he doesn’t do any actual parenting and they don’t look to him for help or advice. They always come to me. They do appreciate all you do eventually.

Take a very deep breath. This is the way it is with these kinds of men. There is nothing you can do about it.

It is totally infuriating.

I cannot tell you the times I had to shut myself in a bathroom, inwardly screaming, and crying until my eyes looked like boiled eggs. It's SO unfair. I was so angry that eventually I felt like I had poison running through my veins.

The only advice I can give you is to say - be the best mum you can be. Ignore his behaviour. Rise above it. Protect yourself and learn how to be calm inside. Don't get angry, because it's really bad for you.

One day your DD will be old enough to see for herself and make up her own mind.

I bet you're a brilliant mum.

Thank you @Itmustbenaptime @JJ8765 @toothbrusher

think it’s a case of I know I do a good job and I know dd loves me, she tells me all the time. I mean even when I have to be the ‘boring’ parent dd still would much rather stay at home with me. But still to hear oh daddy is the fun one that makes her happy.. guess I just think typical, he gets non of the work but all the glory. Anyone got any advice on what to do until dd gets older and realises her dad doesn’t do much?! Or on days like today should I just have a glass of wine, once dd is in bed of course 😂

@AmandaHoldensLips thank you, funnily enough I had about a year of feeling angry and I’ve been good for the past 2yrs, just not paying any attention to him.

i think it’s just been a tough day, and with dds response, along with everything her dad has done the past 6 months (and not done) it’s made me feel a bit deflated

I am bad cop. I have to be I am the main parent.
Dad works long hours so even though he is around by the time he joins in all the difficult, or less fun, stuff has been dealt with.

And my "reward" although this is putting it crudely, I get to have the personal conversations, the challenging ones. I know how to worm out information, how to get the best out of our kids.

Yes they say "dad is our favourite/the fun one/we love dad more"

But a while ago me and eldest were bickering and in the middle of it I get "you're my favourite person in the whole world mum"

Embrace being the one who solves your daughter's problems, who makes her do the less fun stuff. But leave time for you both to do Disney as well.

I wouldn't trade being with our kids all week, hearing about all the important moments to them in school, the good and the bad, for handing over a box of Lego every two weeks. Never. Just doesn't compete.

Time goes ever so quick with kids, not at the time, some days seem like forever, but there will be one day they don't hold your hand again to cross the road, one day they go to bed themselves and you never read the gruffalo again, and you never know that last day. And you get these days. They are precious. That's what you get OP. All that time.

Bear in mind that children tend to repeat what they are told. It doesn't take much imagination for me to picture your ex telling your DD, "Daddy is so much fun, isn't he! Daddy buys you lots of toys! You love playing with daddy!"

I remember as a child telling someone that my mum was "very stupid" because that's what my psychopath of a father used to say, on a fairly continuous basis.

She will see him for who is with time. She will see that you were her constant parent. Every child I know in this scenario does eventuall.

@frozendaisy, you put that so wonderfully!

@frozendaisy i did have a bit of a cry reading you comment, thank you. I definitely leave time for the fun stuff too, you know I just try and fit it all in.. plus working. So just feeling over whelmed but also like I’m not doing enough. I know I do, just the way I’m feeling today! No doubt I’ll put her to bed tonight and just give her an extra cuddle. Even on the tough days I make sure she knows how loved she is and how proud I am of her.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation funny you should say that, the other week she came home saying daddy is a genius and a legend.. could literally hear him saying this as she was saying it.

Genius and a legend! She is definitely getting it from him!

@pippinsleftleg most definitely. She is 4 and it is something that he would always say, literally.

I think this is sadly very normal. They idolise the absent parent, and put them on a pedestal. I'm in the same boat

💐

My exH wasn't that involved as the kids grew up, kept himself quite separate from us at times, didn't get involved in their 'stuff".
But when we first split I felt like you because he seemed to do the 'fun things' not the nitty gritty but our kids are older teenagers now and they definitely 'see' him for who he is.
He has never put them first and still doesn't and now he wonders why they don't get in touch much or change arrangements with him last minute. He used to do this to them so now they do it to him, they don't prioritise him either.
My youngest said the other day 'Sorry I get stroppy with you sometimes and not with Dad but it's because I like you more and feel closer to you". Made it all worth it.
Disney Dads don't last.

I have been you OP.
Was told dad was the best, that she loved dad more, he was more fun, his house was better...all while being a 2 night a week dad earning much more than I could working around school drop off/pick up.
At 13 she is beginning to see him in his true light.
Her 9 year old brother is wise, diplomatic and observant and doesn't play his parents against each other.

Every time you have patch up a knee, insist teeth need brushed, tend them while poorly, read a story, do homework, have uniform ready, meals on the table, dinner money paid, school trips organised, swimming lessons, hair cuts, new shoes....
The list us endless. They get to an age where they figure it out themselves. Admittedly it's a long road, but they get to a point where they understand that someone has had to do all this.
That person will be you

It's hard but it will change as they get older and realise. , they just see dad doing fun stuff. Its not until they are older that they realise that it's shallow and mum is the one who is really there for them.
I could have cried the number of times mine said they wished they could live with dad (Usually after they had a telling-off for playing up) Dad appeared 2 times a year to take them to toys r us and spend a few hundred quid and they thought he was fab, like father Christmas. He paid no maintenance, so their childhood wasn't even easy.
They are adults now, when they hit mid-teens they started to see him for who he was, and by their early twenties they had cut all contact off with him. He's tried multiple times to reconnect and they aren't interested.
His day will come too. It will be you they want to share their proudest moments with, when they pass exams, when they get their first job,

Well the irony is after years of not being interested, not attending parents evenings or contacting just anyone.. he knows wants him and his new girlfriend to attend dc nursery graduation. On top of this it appears they both got a therapist to do speech therapy with our child for months without informing me. Don’t care that he has a new partner but certainly not happy if they’re doing things like this without my knowledge

Oh and to top it off it seems the new partner has been referring to herself as mum

Its because hes got a new girlfriend OP They tend to shore up themselves as Disney dads once they find the nearest vagina to do childcare. New girlfriend will be expected to do majority of childcare during contact time.

My ex has read the same book as all these others - he couldnt rouse himself to do any actual parenting until there were new women on the scene and then i could tell he'd met someone because he'd suddenly need DD for propaganda -_- he always makes sure to put up a SM post about how much fun they are having as a family on the odd occasion they DO something. I get told i'm dull and daddys happier without me - i'm sure he is! Now he's free of me trying to get him to take some kind of responsibility, with decades of my money in his pocket 😂 its like a stab in the heart from the little darlings though.

@JenniferBooth funny, I found out about her because the new partner looked after dc while exp got a haircut.. because he couldn’t do this any other time.

@BarleySugars it really is like they read the same book isn’t it.

thing is if they want to fake happy families go ahead, but don’t get my dc to call new partner mum or get treatment for dc without even my knowledge

The new gf shouldn't be calling herself 'mum' without there having been a conversation between your ex and you, that's outrageous.

Just how 'new' is she and what sort of long-term commitment has he made to her? How do you (or your kids) know if she's going to be sticking around?

@Catlover100 i didn’t even know there was a new partner, I only found out a couple of weeks ago before my dc was left with them. They have been together just over a year, I don’t know if this is true.. ex has a tendency to be a liar and I had not long sent out a message regarding introducing dc to new partners before at least 6 months.

no commitment that I know of (engagements etc) also not sure if they live together.. I think dc was introduce to the august of last year as new partner knows said therapist and this was when sessions began.

So he introduced her to his kids before telling you he was going to?

That's so crap. I think it's just common courtesy to tell your co-parent there is a new partner on the scene and your children are going to meet them. He sounds like a nightmare. Poor you.