Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I give another chance?

30 replies

mamaikai · 18/05/2023 12:56

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married 2,

A few months ago he went out on a bender and partied for several days, one of which was my birthday and he missed the full day. I had begged him not to do this leading up to it as it had already happened a number of times from Christmas, and I wanted my first birthday as a mother to be special.

He rarely goes out, but when he does it is always the same story. This has been a repeat occurrence for the last 8 years and since having our only child last year, i had hoped things would change. Following the incident on my birthday, my mental health had spiraled - I had planned on ending the marriage but now feel I have left it "too late" as months have now passed.

He is a man child who I have to mother but has made recent efforts to improve, otherwise he is a good person who my family love.

I am now in the turmoil of do I give it another go or should i leave because this has been happening for years now? I feel anxiety around us even attending social events incase he goes on a bender.

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 18/05/2023 12:58

He sounds like he needs help for his drinking.

Doesn't answer your question but that was my first thought.

Original poster
mamaikai · 18/05/2023 13:00

I have provided several support numbers to him for addictions but he has made no effort to contact any

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 18/05/2023 13:17

You e given him another chance several times now. What makes you think one more will make any difference?

RandomMess · 18/05/2023 13:22

I think you need to tell him that it's his last chance to deal with his drink issue. That you love him but his behaviour has eroded all respect for him and hope of change. That this isn't a knee jerk reaction but a long thought out one.

Cookieandcream2 · 18/05/2023 13:27

As someone who has experience for 20 years now and who hasn’t changed at all despite a separation and then a reconciliation and now separation again, I would be very wary.

CannotDoThisAnymore · 18/05/2023 15:25

You sound well within your rights to leave and make a wonderful life for yourself and child. I have one of these drinkers. It doesn’t change, only gets worse…

does he drink at home? How often/how much?

Provenza · 18/05/2023 15:26

No. He has no incentive to change and he won’t change.

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 15:34

Do I give another chance?

Another chance will lead to the same thing. My ex was the same.

I had planned on ending the marriage but now feel I have left it "too late" as months have now passed.

No, you can end the marriage whenever you want, Months have passed since the last incident but that just brings you closer to the next one, you also have to deal with the anxiety and dread over when it happens again. It's an issue that causes long term ongoing effects, so the length of time that has passed since it last happened is irrelevant.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 18/05/2023 15:44

So he’s not interested in changing, has consistently done this for years, what’s the point of ‘one more chance’? A boozehound man child is not husband or father material. You can free yourself of him any time you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2023 16:10

Your H has already had more than enough chances frankly, he is still boozing and you are further a parent.

Put your own self and your child first for a change, not this manchild whom you've felt obligated to mother (and why is that, this question should be answered via having counselling). Enabling him as you have done has not and will not work; you can only help your own self ultimately.

You can indeed end the marriage whenever you want.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2023 16:41

What does he say will change if you give him another chance?

Dery · 18/05/2023 16:58

It’s not too late to end the marriage over the last episode. The point here is that the last time he did this was the straw that broke the camel’s back - you’ve tried to move on from it but you can’t. Based on your timings, he managed a good few of these sessions between Xmas and March - leaving you alone and holding the baby. Sounds like he goes out a lot to me and he’s completely unreliable.

Original poster
mamaikai · 18/05/2023 17:17

He doesn’t even seem certain he can or will change, we have a friends wedding coming up that he is debating that we don’t go to because the “temptation” is there. So this is making me question even more, is this the life that I want?

I am just finding it difficult to gather the strength to end it

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 18/05/2023 18:01

Other than opting out of normal life, and thereby inflicting this non-lifestyle on you, what is he doing to help him deal with "the temptation"?

My father was an alcoholic (an alcoholic is someone who can't control their relationship with alcohol, not just, as people often think, someone who drinks all day every day). He stopped drinking but not without a lot of help from professionals and AA.

Your DH isn't suddenly going to NOT have a problem with alcohol if he doesn't take steps to deal with his issues.

Thebigblueballoon · 18/05/2023 18:10

OP, is his drinking an “all or nothing” situation? Does he refrain from drinking most days and then go on these crazy benders when he gets a taste for the booze? It sounds like he definitely has a problem, but if he can quit drinking for long periods of time, he has a better chance of tackling this. Of course that means actually facing the problem, which he seems reluctant to do. If he doesn’t want to change, it’s hopeless.
It’s time to firmly spell out that it’s last chance saloon to your husband.

TwilightSkies · 18/05/2023 18:12

When a woman asks if she should give another chance she has already given WAY too many.

GoodChat · 18/05/2023 18:15

He doesn't want to change so if you give him another chance he'll just do it again.

Original poster
mamaikai · 18/05/2023 18:28

There was a period a number of years ago when it was particularly bad when he stayed off it all for over a year but then habits seemed to kick in again. He can do it but history would say that it is a vicious cycle

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 18/05/2023 22:56

You know what you have to do. It will be very difficult but afterwards you will feel so much better. I can't imagine the stress you are under. Imagine the relief when he's gone.

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 23:38

mamaikai · 18/05/2023 17:17

He doesn’t even seem certain he can or will change, we have a friends wedding coming up that he is debating that we don’t go to because the “temptation” is there. So this is making me question even more, is this the life that I want?

I am just finding it difficult to gather the strength to end it

Is he genuinely trying to stay away from temptation or do you think he is trying to get you to say "oh it's fine, you can drink at the wedding"?
I used to get that from my ex, like he was asking for permission, knowing well what would happen but thinking because I'd okayed it that then it wouldn't be that bad.

I HATED when he tried to give me that role/responsibility like I was his mother or jailor or something.

Original poster
mamaikai · 19/05/2023 09:42

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 23:38

Is he genuinely trying to stay away from temptation or do you think he is trying to get you to say "oh it's fine, you can drink at the wedding"?
I used to get that from my ex, like he was asking for permission, knowing well what would happen but thinking because I'd okayed it that then it wouldn't be that bad.

I HATED when he tried to give me that role/responsibility like I was his mother or jailor or something.

Show quote history

I hadn’t even thought of it like this but feel it is exactly this way

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 19/05/2023 09:49

He doesn't put you and your child high enough to change his ways and anyway why should he, you're always there.

After 8yrs don't waste anymore time on him.

Start divorce proceedings and make a new life.

Watchkeys · 19/05/2023 11:20

Can you tell him, then, that you'll go to the wedding on your own, if he doesn't feel he can control his own actions?

What would his response be?

Ohfgsjon · 19/05/2023 11:26

You most certainly do not HAVE to mother him. What does this even mean? You cook, clean, do all the childcare and take on all the mental load too? And how come HE is making the decision about whether YOU go to a wedding or not?

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 12:01

If you were to give him another chance and he acted like a total prick again and your mental health suffered, you might not be able to leave. I'd get it over with now while your strong.

Also, it's made it so you can't even go to events with him. Worried sick at how he may act in future. Fuck that. That's no life. A partner shouldn't be a deliberate liability.