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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loving more than one person

51 replies

ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:17

I should start by saying I love my husband very much and feel loved by him and think we have a good relationship.

But recently I've found myself thinking 'is this it forever?' In terms of being with one man until I die (sexually but also just the intimate company of a male).

I wouldnt cheat on my husband because I wouldnt want to hurt him and I know it would but I do think I could have a relationship/love others and it not affect or have anything to do with how i feel about my husband.

I think I have a rather romanticised notion in my head of 'taking a lover' 🤣 although wouldnt for many practical reasons.

Am I alone in this? Have I romanticised it all? Is it unusual to feel so stagnant in my mid 30s and for forever to feel like a long time?

I also wouldnt want to be without my husband at all, I adore him.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 18/05/2023 10:22

Have a look at on line dating and you’ll soon choose to keep your DH !

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:24

Haha @DustyLee123 my DH is very much a keeper and you're probably right!! I think I've been reading too many trashy books 🤣

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:26

If you value your husband and his love for you, don't do this.
It doesn't sound to me as though you do really love him.
Being unfaithful is a terrible thing to do.

Are you sexually compatible with your husband? For all your protestations, it seems not.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:31

@TheShellBeach I have clearly said in my post I would never cheat on him and I would never be unfaithful.
Is it really so strange to wonder or think about such things? I have had a similar conversation with DH as we are very open and discuss everything pretty much.
Maybe I am the odd one but personally I do believe its possible hypothetically to love more than one person but I don't think in practice it works because people get hurt and you don't want to hurt the people you love.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 18/05/2023 10:31

I do understand OP. I felt similar in my twenties and thirties. Indeed I slept with many, many people and fell in love with many, separately and simultaneously.
Now at 50 I am happily monogamous.
I think much depends on one’s experience and how full one’s life is lived.
what works for one woman will not work for another. One women can be happily monogamous for a life from 20. Many not.
I was the latter so I needed to find that out and explore.
I would add that if you do love your husband truly then you won’t hurt him deliberately. Tread carefully and do what is best for you while ‘doing no harm’.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:37

@MaggieBsBoat thats very interesting!
I certainly wouldn't say I'm unhappily monogamous. I certainly wouldn't want to be single again and I wouldn't want to have one night stands or a sexual affair.
Actually I'm not really thinking about sex at all but all the other components.

I'm not stupid, my husband meets over 90% of my needs and I don't believe any one person could meet 100%.

OP posts:
Modda · 18/05/2023 10:41

I can't relate to this at all and would be gutted if DH had this conversation with me. I absolutely adore him.

It's interesting to see how others feel though and good answers so far.

TedMullins · 18/05/2023 10:41

Of course it’s possible. Many people live happily in polyamorous set ups. I know a married couple with kids who each have another partner. I don’t think it’s weird at all to question whether you want to be with one person forever - I don’t believe anyone can guarantee they’ll want that even if they feel like they do when they get married.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:45

@Modda thats also interesting that you'd be upset, I don't think my husband was upset, I'd hope he'd tell me if he was!

But to clarify I didn't say 'do you want an open relationship?' Because that's not what I'm asking. I said 'Do you ever feel stagnant with me and like it might be a long life?' I would say that exactly the same moment I feel like this I also feel like forever with him wouldn't be enough!

Maybe it's more to do with male company, I don't have any male friends and its hard to start close friendships with people of the opposite sex after marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:48

@TedMullins I've never known it work in practice in real life but its good that people are able to have a happy set up where everyone feels OK with it!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:51

I don't understand what you're asking.
If you're happy with your husband why do you want to explore another relationship?

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 10:56

@TheShellBeach I'm probably not articulating it very well to be fair.
First of all, I don't want to because I've made a vow to my husband and we are a team. I wouldnt jeopardise that.
But I think that I COULD have feelings for someone else without it being because I'm unhappy with my husband (because I'm not).

It was more of a musing and wondering what others thought about loving more than one person than it was about me looking for approval for an affair, to reiterate I don't want an affair.

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/05/2023 11:22

Its perfectly normal. One of the joys of life is the excitement of meeting and getting to know a sexually attractive person. The attention, the intensity of interest in each other. The effort to entertain and make each other laugh. The novelty of talking to someone who can surprise you.
Unfortunately in a LTR you have to trade most of that for the comfort and security of a partner in life, who often feels as much like a family member as anything else. The realisation that to have the second means that you'll live and die without ever again experiencing the first is a bit much to get your head round.
Some people don't manage it at all. Which is when affairs happen.
All I can suggest is that you keep your eye on the prize that is your current relationship and remind yourself it really is either/or.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:40

@5128gap That's perfect. It really is either/or!!

OP posts:
JosieOhNo · 18/05/2023 11:44

I think it's also healthy to acknowledge that it's a 'thing' you'll never experience again, and in a way, grieve for it. You love what you have and don't wish for anything to change, but you can still feel a little sad.

The acknowledgment also serves to remind you how much you love your partner - you care so much that you're willing to forego the lust/new excitements.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:48

Yes @JosieOhNo he is worth it but its definitely helpful to acknowledge and remind myself of that.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 18/05/2023 11:48

Honestly I cant see whats so wonderful and romantic about destroying the hopes and dreams of another person. never once thought about having an affair in over 35 years of being married. Its not the sex, its the lies and deceit that goes with it. I married later in life so got all of the other stuff out of my system and soon realised that really wonderful men who put you first who support you and share the burdens of everything are very few and far between.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:51

@mummymeister I have also never considered an affair, for the same reasons, the lies and deceit.
I've only been married 7 years but hopefully we'll make it to 35.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 18/05/2023 11:51

Of course you can live more than one person however Mumsnet is littered with the after results of people whose partners quite rightly didn't feel that was all fine and dandy and binned them- so unless itsall open and discussed then just don't go there if you value your marriage- and that's not just physical affairs!!

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:53

@Crikeyalmighty absolutely! It's not even the physical I don't think. It's the early emotional intense connections you can develop with someone new and the excitement of that! And I 100% agree that emotional affairs are just as real AND just as damaging.

OP posts:
Anoana · 18/05/2023 11:53

5128gap · 18/05/2023 11:22

Its perfectly normal. One of the joys of life is the excitement of meeting and getting to know a sexually attractive person. The attention, the intensity of interest in each other. The effort to entertain and make each other laugh. The novelty of talking to someone who can surprise you.
Unfortunately in a LTR you have to trade most of that for the comfort and security of a partner in life, who often feels as much like a family member as anything else. The realisation that to have the second means that you'll live and die without ever again experiencing the first is a bit much to get your head round.
Some people don't manage it at all. Which is when affairs happen.
All I can suggest is that you keep your eye on the prize that is your current relationship and remind yourself it really is either/or.

That's a great way of putting it. Something I'm grappling with at the moment, and you've made it sound like a normal part of the human condition, so thank you.

5128gap · 18/05/2023 11:54

Its also worth remembering that those early days exciting situations are short, and only ever go one of two ways. Either they hurt and disappointment you, or they turn into exactly what you've already got now.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:54

Yes @anoana I found it helpful as well to consider it part of the human condition and part of being monogamous.

OP posts:
Asuitcase · 18/05/2023 11:56

In many cases women in their 30's have managed to shake off the shackles of full on childcare, they have more time to themselves, physically still in peak fitness and beauty.

The time for affairs and re evaluing life's meaning. I would gauge your wants and needs of how you would feel if your h was having the same thoughts.

Maybe he wants a change, an ego boost, some other source of female attention, being in love with someone else as well as you, whilst you are ruminating are you sure he's not been acting in the same way you are daydreaming.

I should imagine you would feel hurt. If you really care, protect your marriage, don't take one another for granted and realise that time changes things and what seems boring now would be gravely missed if you were to ruin the trust you have between you.

Original poster
ElmtreeMama · 18/05/2023 11:59

@Asuitcase our baby is 18 months so we're definitely still in a full on mode 🤣 thankfully we have a very open dialogue and talk about everything and I trust he would tell me if he wanted to act on anything outside of our marriage as I would him. Not taking him for granted is always good advice.

OP posts: