Loving more than one person

[ElmtreeMama]

I should start by saying I love my husband very much and feel loved by him and think we have a good relationship.

But recently I've found myself thinking 'is this it forever?' In terms of being with one man until I die (sexually but also just the intimate company of a male).

I wouldnt cheat on my husband because I wouldnt want to hurt him and I know it would but I do think I could have a relationship/love others and it not affect or have anything to do with how i feel about my husband.

I think I have a rather romanticised notion in my head of 'taking a lover' 🤣 although wouldnt for many practical reasons.

Am I alone in this? Have I romanticised it all? Is it unusual to feel so stagnant in my mid 30s and for forever to feel like a long time?

I also wouldnt want to be without my husband at all, I adore him.

I would suggest reading about polyamory.

Some people seem to make it work. Of course it means that both partners need to agree from the start about having an open marriage.

Monogamy is not for everyone. Equally having open marriages probably comes with difficulties as well.

I actually completely agree that it is possible to love more than one person.

So you have told him you think a person is capable of loving two people at the same time and are considering the implications of that and ruminatiing on whether to apply that to your relationship.

Or are these private thoughts.

You can't read each other's minds, you can only imagine how senarios will play out, would it upset you if your h loved another woman and also wanted sexual reations with that woman ?

If your husband told you he'd had sec with another woman would you be okay with it?
Because I would be crushed if that happened to me, and I would end my marriage.

@Asuitcase yes I've spoken to him about it.

I asked if he ever felt stagnant in our relationship, I asked what he thought about open relationships, asked whether he thought it was possible to love more than one person at the same time.
He said he hadn't thought about and asked if its something I'd want, I said I had thought about it but for a myriad of reasons didn't think it was something we should do or try. That I felt our relationship isn't worth risking and I couldn't guarantee opening it up wouldn't risk it. He agreed and said he thought I'm the kind of person who could love more than one person and to speak to him if I felt that way about anyone. Which I agreed to. (I don't nor do I have any intention of seeking out an emotional affair).

@Asuitcase @TheShellBeach hmm, I think if I'm honest with myself I would be upset yes. I don't consider myself a jealous person but have never been faced with the reality of the person I love sleeping with someone else (that I know of!). It's probably another reason I don't think it would work in practice, I think I would feel hurt and it's impact my self esteem.

I asked if he ever felt stagnant in our relationship, I asked what he
thought about open relationships, asked whether he thought it was
possible to love more than one person at the same time.
He said he hadn't thought about and asked if its something I'd want, I
said I had thought about it but for a myriad of reasons didn't think it
was something we should do or try. That I felt our relationship isn't
worth risking and I couldn't guarantee opening it up wouldn't risk it.
He agreed and said he thought I'm the kind of person who could love more
than one person and to speak to him if I felt that way about anyone.
Which I agreed to. (I don't nor do I have any intention of seeking out
an emotional affair).

That must have been a crushing conversation to have for him.

Maybe you have just given him a reason to look outside of your relationship to line up a replacement should you ever decide to hurt him.

Conversations like this seem to be modern, open, cool and understanding, put into practice they can be devastating, be respectful of the conversations you have.

Pride comes before a fall, would you have been happy for him to instigate this conversation out of the blue ? You are overly confident and currently secure in your marriage, don't put that to the test.

With respect @Asuitcase it wasn't a crushing conversation at all!
It's the kind of thing we talk about all the time, we often discuss hypothetical and philosophical ideas including about relationships and sex.
I would never just casually drop in to conversation something that might hurt him.
If he'd instigated the conversation my response would have been the same.

All relationships are different and people have different ways of communicating this works for us. I don't think I am overly confident but yes I am secure because we discuss these things. Because we 'check in' regularly making sure we're both happy, both having our needs met, both re committing to each other and to our relationship generally.

I actually think you're kidding yourself.
You wouldn't be thinking any of this stuff, never mind talking about it, if you were secure in your relationship.

I think there's a big difference in the theory and the practice of opening up a marriage/loving two people. Imagine getting ready with you and your husband both knowing you're on your way to the OM. Imagine coming back the next day from your night with OM and going to Tesco with your husband as usual. At best, awkward!
Also while it's certainly possible to love two people, for it not to end in tears, both of the two people concerned need to be on board with that and tolerate your love for the other. What are the chances? And OM, is he allowed to love another woman as well as you? Will she be ok with that? Or does he need to wait around for 50% of your time? Would he be OK with that?
I get some people manage to live like this, but mainly they're people who deliberately sought out like minded people from the get go (and are often a little 'unusual' in other ways in all honesty.) I can't see it working when dropped into a conventional marriage, or being that attractive to the typical man you might have your eye on.

Really @TheShellBeach ? That is interesting. What about other posters who know exactly what I'm talking about.

I dont think I'm kidding myself but of course I would say that 🤣I genuinely wondered about whether other people ever have these thoughts and have found some responses really helpful.

Its now gone on a bit of a tangent specifically about my relationship which wasn't what I was asking or after really but that's ok, I'll know not to post similar things in the future.

I guess time will tell whether I am kidding myself or not but I will say I'm not worried about the future of my relationship, I feel its pretty solid.

@5128gap I completely agree and having hypothesised about it I came to exactly the same conclusion, I'd be jealous I think and potentially hurt and the same for him.
I wasn't really even talking about my relationship with my husband specifically it's just that at the moment life is a bit day to day drudge and I had some of these thoughts whirling around my head and thought I'd get them out.

I think you're opening a very dangerous door by starting to think about, ruminate, fantasise and ponder these thoughts.

You keep insisting you would never act on this, but theres a great old saying that covers it pretty well - "Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

You sound like you have it pretty good with a great husband and family and happy life. Dont be a fool and risk any of that. Once you open your mind to the possibility of a lover or an affair, its amazing how quickly a likely person or opportunity comes along.

@Lobelia123 I appreciate that advice thank you

I know what you mean but if my man said all that to me I would probably cry 😂

Haha @icmb it was in the context of other more general conversations and it was pleasant and lighthearted. I would also be upset if my husband said it to me sat down for a serious talk!

Hello! OP, this is an interesting thread and I think I understand exactly where you are coming from! I've been with my wife for 10 years, married for 6. We have a beautiful toddler and a lovely life together. I am still madly in love with her, and still fancy her...and I think the feeling is mutual (😂) but we have spoken before about there being a little sadness in knowing this is it. For me personally I would LOVE to go back to the first 12 months of our relationship when we were getting to know one another, falling in love, feeling excited and nervous about seeing each other. It's the absolute best part of a relationship, but I wouldn't want to experience it with anyone else but her, so that ship has sailed! Sometimes I think back to when she would make me blush with just a few words, or a certain touch. I'm just thankful I have the wonderful memories of that time. 😊
I think your thoughts are perfectly understandable, and perfectly natural. And it sounds like you have a lovely relationship where you're able to comfortably discuss these thoughts and feelings with your partner. So yay for the two of you! :)

You'll get plenty pearl clutching on here but of course some people can love more than one person at once - love is infinite!

I actually don't really believe monogamy works too well for a good chunk of the population. Even those who are married. I know so many people 'happily' in relationships - happy as in no one has cheated and no one is abusive. But they're bored, their relationship is stagnant, they're essentially a maid and a nanny and their partner is their housemate. There are of course people who cheat just because they crave variety (and are shits) but then there are a lot who end up cheating because they've been with their partner 10 years and it's all become very dull (still shits). I know more people who have cheated on a long term partner than people who haven't - and no it's not the 'crowd' I run with. These range from people from the pub, senior academics, people from the running club, my postman. Things stagnate and it's a normal train of thought you're having.

That's not to say I advocate pushing this with your DH though as he doesn't seem like he's up for it. For ENM to work, both people have to be fully on board!

@ElmtreeMama - yep, my H had an emotional relationship with someone a lot younger whom we both knew - he wrote poems and songs about it and I found them 10 years later. To me it was far worse reading this sub mills &boon shit than if he had got drunk and shagged someone on a night out. You could have blown me down with a feather. Strangely he did ask me once if I thought it was possible to love2 people at the same time and I didn't twig. We did stay together but if I'm honest he totally fell off the pedestal in my eyes even though it wasn't an affair as such- he says it was one sided too and although they texted a lot she certainly didn't know he was writing poems etc .

@Crikeyalmighty I'm sorry, I'd feel the same, a drunken shag would be far easier to forgive!

@JayJayEl reading what you wrote made me smile. Ahhh I would love to recapture the excitement of those early days and you're right I'd want to do it with my DH rather than anyone else. Thank you, I think we've got a good thing going.

It's totally natural to feel this way. Monogamy is a choice humans can make, not something we absolutely must do.

@JamSandle its actually a choice I'm happy to have made because I think the pros outweigh the cons but I guess its just me acknowledging there are some cons!

@retinolalcohol I don't actually think I'd be up for it either tbh. I definitely think people have the capacity to love more than one person myself included but I know I'd be jealous and hurt as irrational as that may sound given what I've said.

If you mean you are missing the excitement of those first “butterfly in your tummy” emotions, the “will he message, won’t he” kind of thing, the excitement of the many firsts you get to experience together etc- yes I have felt like that at times. It’s because it’s exciting isn’t it and the overwhelming emotions you feel for a new partner before you get stuck in a routine. Absolutely wouldn’t cheat on my husband either, but he was certainly more attentive in the first year or so. ;) I read romance novels too and they do make you think about this stuff more to be fair- that first kiss, that passionate embrace as soon as you are being closed doors.

@Vallmo47 you've hit the nail on the head. Glad I'm not alone 🤣

Totally normal feelings, I think - I'm very happily married and will never have an affair, but there's nothing like those early days of falling for someone and realising they like you back, and I sometimes feel a bit wistful to think that that will never happen again. It's not a desire for change, just a nostalgia for a part of life that is over for me now. The trade-off for the wonderful security and contentment of a happy long-term relationship.

I think these are normal feelings. And I also think people aren’t meant to pair up for life - and it’s not easy to really only ever be attracted to and have sex with just one person for years and years.

Polyamory on its own I do think is difficult to navigate as when feelings get involved it’s easy to get hurt.

But other versions of spicing up marital life - certain degrees of openness in a relationship, swinging, etc - works for many people.