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Original poster

Found photos on boyfriend's phone

30 replies

sarahw1993 · 17/05/2023 18:46

Looking for advice! Might be long - sorry!

Found my boyfriend in the act of zooming in on a woman's photo. Was someone I didn't recognise wearing a fairly revealing outfit. I asked him what the photo was and he explained that he had screenshotted a photo and was zooming in to see her boobs. He saw it on Instagram reels and it just randomly popped up. No one he knows. I was a bit upset and pissed off that he was doing it right next to me. Asked him if that was all there was to it. Told me that was it.

Slept on it. Asked him again in the morning to show me the photo and it then transpires that it's a woman on Facebook who keeps popping up as a person he might know. And that when she pops up he goes and has a look through her photos. Again wasnt best pleased he'd gone out his way to lie but accepted and moved on.

This morning, for the first time ever I decided to look through his iPad. I have never done this before. See it as a breach of trust and privacy. But something didn't add up for me.

I found hidden away an entire folder of screenshots of all different women. All those he knows. My work colleagues, friends, family, people he works with. As bad as it can be really. They were all just screenshots taken from Facebook. Nothing that was sent to him directly. So I'm happy knowing that he's not been sent this stuff.

I'm pretty upset. We have a young child and I'm pregnant again. I'm also not particularly big boobed and self conscious having not lost the pregnancy weight from my first - let alone being pregnant again.

He's a perfect husband and a great father. This has come as a huge shock. He says it's a compulsion/addiction. He's ashamed. Promised he'll never do it again. What do I do?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 17/05/2023 18:50

He will do it again.

He's being hugely disrespectful to both you and your friends, family and colleagues!

It's hard to say LTB when you're pregnant but I wouldn't be able to help myself withdrawing from him. The marriage would he over even if I didn't immediately walk away. I certainly wouldn't be able to have sex with him again.

RuthTopp · 17/05/2023 18:52

He's a sleaze , I'd find it a bit creepy tbh.

Ihatethenewlook · 17/05/2023 18:52

This is really creepy and totally out of order. I think most of us are guilty at ogling at someone’s pictures online, but he’s proper getting off on this. Why doesn’t he just look at porn like most normal men? Saving photos of your actual family, friends and colleagues is completely twisted and there’s no way I could get past that. I couldn’t look at my sister/niece/best friend in the eye knowing that my partner has a close up pic of their bits and tits saved on his iPad 🤮

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 18:52

Ugh. My first reaction is that this is totally gross. I am guessing he's using these as want fodder. But people that you know? And even your family?

I don't know what I would do. You say he's also a perfect husband and father. That must count for something, yet this is also totally grim. I don't know what I would do.

Original poster
sarahw1993 · 17/05/2023 18:55

Thank you everyone. He has said he knows it's wrong and disrespectful. He's immediately contacted some counsellors to talk to someone about his compulsion to do it. I just don't know how to handle it. And my pregnancy hormones are all over the place.

OP posts:
Gigglemous · 17/05/2023 19:08

You poor thing. I know its easier said than done but don't let his actions affect your self confidence (mine would be destroyed because I have major confidence issues).
Hes a pig. And the folder of screenshots is very VERY creepy. What's his explanation for it?

Original poster
sarahw1993 · 17/05/2023 19:11

Gigglemous · 17/05/2023 19:08

You poor thing. I know its easier said than done but don't let his actions affect your self confidence (mine would be destroyed because I have major confidence issues).
Hes a pig. And the folder of screenshots is very VERY creepy. What's his explanation for it?

Thank you. I'll try and not let it get to me. He wrote me a letter this afternoon saying how much he loves me, is attracted to me and it not being a reflection on me. But hard to believe that...

He just said he wanted to have another look. But knows that doesn't add up or justify why he kept them.

I suspect bigger issue at play. He's talking to a counsellor about why he feels the need to do it.

Just don't know how I can face seeing these women. Some I see multiple times a week.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 17/05/2023 19:16

That is so creepy and stalkerish.

Bad enough that he is perving at women, but those are real people that he actually knows and interact with.

''He says it's a compulsion/addiction. He's ashamed. Promised he'll never do it again.''

Those are just the typical excuses that someone caught cheating or similar will use. They mean absolutely nothing...

It is incredibly disrespectful to you and to these women.

I would dump him over this.

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2023 19:17

So so creepy. This is really a dumpable offence op, you know that, he’s gross

perfectcolourfound · 17/05/2023 19:30

Eurgh. I couldn't ever look at him again the same.

You now know that he perves at people you know, people he knows, then downloads their photos and looks at them for... well we can guess what.

It's disgusting in and of itself, and then there's the lying to you.

Your feelings are what matter here, not his. He's created this problem. He's hurt you. He's lied and acted in a dispicable way. You don't have to put up with it and stick around.

Even if he's getting therapy now (and you don't yet know if he really will, or if he'll stick at it, or if it will make any difference or he'll slip back in to his 'addiction' later on).... it doesn't make it excusable. Why didn't he get help before? No - he was happy to keep perving over various other women while you were oblivious, and would have kept doing it forever if you hadn't found out.

I would really struggle to have any respect for him. You deserve better.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 20/08/2023 18:55

Don’t make any decisions quickly, take it easy as you can. Yes, he’s clearly got a problem. Sometimes people find it really easy to compartmentalise. Could you go to therapy with him?

Original poster
sarahw1993 · 21/08/2023 08:06

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 20/08/2023 18:55

Don’t make any decisions quickly, take it easy as you can. Yes, he’s clearly got a problem. Sometimes people find it really easy to compartmentalise. Could you go to therapy with him?

Thank you. It's been a bit rough but we've both done some counselling sessions. The counsellor was incredibly clear with him just how bad his actions were and I think he was shocked. You're right. He had compartmentalised it in order to justify it.

I'm now 34 weeks so trying to focus on the next baby's arrival. It definitely still hangs over me and suspect that it will for quite a long time. But he is making a huge effort and fully committed to the counselling sessions, so am trying to work through things.

OP posts:
Sushimad · 26/02/2024 12:22

@sarahw1993 how are things now? Did therapy help? How are you?

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 26/02/2024 13:43

I'm sorry to read this. My exH had a similar "compulsion". He would spend HOURS trawling the ibternet, looking at pictures of women, printing them off. He had piles of them. From red carpet shots of celebs to what looked like "readers wives". He never dud stop, just got more sneaky.

Original poster
sarahw1993 · 26/02/2024 14:01

Hiya - still together and happy. It's not been easy and I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to draw a line under it.

Since I last posted we did around 8 weeks of counselling together (arranged by him). I think hearing a counsellor lay it on the table really affected him. They were tough sessions and I've found it quite hard not to go over it again and again. But by the end of the 8 weeks I decided I couldn't keep bringing it up and I needed to accept what happened, accept his apology and trust him when he said he wouldn't do it again. There was no way forward if I couldn't do that.

We haven't spoken about it since but I do intend to have an honest conversation with him soon to reflect and give him a chance to talk to me about anything he needs to.

Despite drawing a line under it, the impact it's had on me and my confidence is huge. It hasn't disappeared from the back of my mind despite deciding not to dwell on it. Maybe in time things will change.

For now I'm choosing to believe him. Which may prove foolish, but I want to give him that chance.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 26/02/2024 15:10

It’s gross that it’s colleagues and family members and stuff, but I think everyone’s getting a bit overexcited calling him a “pig” and a “sleaze” etc.

He wants it to jerk off to. It’s an embarrassing fetish and I’m not surprised he feels ashamed. Be much less creepy if he was just looking at porn like most men do.

He’s going to see a counsellor and try to break the habit, so give him the benefit of the doubt.

Secondstart1001 · 26/02/2024 15:20

He will do it again unless he gets professional help.

Original poster
sarahw1993 · 26/02/2024 15:51

Secondstart1001 · 26/02/2024 15:20

He will do it again unless he gets professional help.

Excuse my ignorance, I have no personal experience but beyond counselling sessions, what further professional help should he be looking for?

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 26/02/2024 16:35

@sarahw1993 counselling / cbt for addicts ect.

Moonshine5 · 26/02/2024 16:39

He's definitely not a "perfect husband and father".

Moonshine5 · 26/02/2024 16:41

Just saw the update - this behaviour would take more than 2 months to change. I do wish you and your family luck

pinkfondu · 26/02/2024 16:43

They were all just screenshots taken from Facebook. Nothing that was sent to him directly. So I'm happy knowing that he's not been sent this stuff.

So people post photos and he is keeping them in a wank bank and its people you know. I think that worse than keeping some he's been sent for the purpose

terfinthewild · 26/02/2024 16:50

Glad it's worked out for you. I think as you said you have to move on from it now so you can move forward but keep a close eye on him and keep talking to each other. If all he was doing was wanking ... eh ... is not good but there are men out there (and women) doing a lot worse.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2024 17:01

You're a better woman than I am, and you're continuing to allow him to see and ogle all your friends pictures so that's not great. All this nonsense talk of him having an addiction or compulsion to make you feel sorry for him- he can't help it, he has an addiction 🙄

Good luck but don't be surprised if he's still doing it

Disturbia81 · 26/02/2024 18:19

TheBerry · 26/02/2024 15:10

It’s gross that it’s colleagues and family members and stuff, but I think everyone’s getting a bit overexcited calling him a “pig” and a “sleaze” etc.

He wants it to jerk off to. It’s an embarrassing fetish and I’m not surprised he feels ashamed. Be much less creepy if he was just looking at porn like most men do.

He’s going to see a counsellor and try to break the habit, so give him the benefit of the doubt.

He is the definition of a sleaze.
He will never be satisfied with you OP.