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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too tired for sex and bf I can tell is getting annoyed.

69 replies

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 07:48

He initiates every night and I’m just getting more and more annoyed and I think so is he at my rejection. I’m just so tired I’m not in the mood and want to sleep.

We’ve got a six month old, she is cows milk allergic and has terrible reflux. She is very high needs and screams most of her waking time unless carried around. Screams in the bouncer, on the floor, in the car or in the pram. I’m at my wits end by the time bf comes home. He doesn’t understand how hard it is on my own all day with the hours of crying and will only contact nap. I do all the night feeds also, she only has one currently.

My older child, not his has started contact with her dad after many years not seeing him. She is taking it out on me as it’s all very new and scary for her. I’m emotionally exhausted. I also still have anaemia from a major bleed during babies birth.

Sex is high on his list and at the bottom of mine. Baby asleep by 9pm wakes at 1am for a feed that takes an hour and is awake at 5am. In between she wakes anything between 10 and 10,000 times. Bf gets up at 5:30am for work.

I need a break. I don’t know what to do as I’m just not wanting to have sex. What should I do?

OP posts:

Kyse23 · 17/05/2023 18:04

Pinkbonbon · 17/05/2023 16:51

So hes a pig who ĺets you do all the housework and childcare, including when he is home?

And you think you're the problem?

Honey this isn't the 1950s. Chuck him back.
Don't have any more kids with useless man child guys.

That^
You're exhausted and touched out. I don't get why men don't see if they actually parent, do the housework, cook a meal, run a bath and take the pressure off you then you are more likely to want sex because you're not wiped out
Instead they just pressure for sex which makes you even less likely to want it
It starts outside the bedroom

Breezycheesetrees · 17/05/2023 18:09

altmember · 17/05/2023 09:21

Are you really that tired that you can't even have an occasional quickie? That level of tiredness is something that needs sorting out before you collapse or have a serious accident, never mind the sex.

If your child is as clingy as you're saying (and she's not your first so you must have a bit of a yardstick), then that's not normal at 6 months old and needs resolving. Otherwise they'll still be like this when they're 17! Maybe going away for an entire weekend and leaving her with your bf is too much to start with, so start off by leaving them together during the day at the weekend and increase it from there.

Fucking hell, there's so much wrong with this post. Please ignore everything in it OP.
There's nothing unusual about being exhausted with a 6mo, and she's not "clingy" she's just a baby FFS, she won't be still attached to you when she's 17, what a fucking ridiculous thing to say. And if you don't want sex then that's the end of it, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or you should make yourself do it to keep the peace. This is a seriously fucked up post.

Maray1967 · 17/05/2023 18:19

Another recommendation here for a cranial osteopath - worked wonders for a friend’s baby quite a few years ago, Your H needs telling to back off. He needs telling to get jobs done in the house. Make it clear that his behaviour is totally turning you off.

Original poster

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 18:55

Thanks for the advice, I think I’m just worn down from the constant screaming. I never thought that it would be so hard. It’s been 6 months of what feels like hell. My oldest can’t start to be in the house anymore and I don’t blame her.

OP posts:

Gigglemous · 17/05/2023 19:02

But he sounds like he has no actual idea or understanding around being a parent. Because not only would he take some of that physical and mental load from you, he too would be wanting to sleep rather than have sex
Hes not being a dad. It sounds like he's leaving all the parenting to you because you've already done it before, which makes you the expert therefore his life needn't change and he can carry on as normal.
This needs to change. You need to have a feank discussion about this with him.

It also speaks volumes that you referred to him as a boyfriend, immediately made me think he either wasn't the dad or the relationship is very new.

Greenfairydust · 17/05/2023 19:28

Why are you still with this man?

He is a lazy, immature sex pest and a bad father who seems to contribute next to nothing to your life.

Do yourself and kids a favour and get rid of him.

FuckNuggets · 17/05/2023 19:35

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 09:27

@altmember we have sex once a week. The baby is really high needs. Medically fine but she has been like this since birth. She has to be carried all the time. She screams if put in anything. I have to bath with her and co-sleep otherwise she won’t sleep at all, I don’t feel sexy at all. She jumps at every sound and gets so overwhelmed, she can’t self sooth. If left to cry she gets in such a state she chokes and vomits. I’m exhausted physically and mentally. If you’ve ever experienced this kind of baby you’d know.

OP you've just described my dd as a baby. I know diagnosis isn't possible yet, but have you considered she may have autism? My dd was diagnosed when she was 8, but if I'd known back then what I know now I would have pushed for a diagnosis a lot earlier.

YANBU btw. Your boyfriend needs to back off! It's exhausting enough with a baby who manages to be a little more independent by 6 months, let alone with a baby that absolutely has to be held all the time.

perfectcolourfound · 17/05/2023 19:59

Op you have a demanding baby. But you would be better able to deal with that if you had a half decent bf.

He is selfish, lazy, entitled, imature, uncaring, incapable of parenting his own child, thoughtless, disprectful.... the list goes on.

As you said yourself, he might not be so 'up for it' if he wasn't such a lazy tw*t. If he actually did something for his child, for his wife, if he got up to do every other night feed, if he did some housework or basic parenting, he wouldn't be so up for sex.

But not, he leaves you to do everything and to miss sleep and so all the parenting, then he thinks he's 'entitled' to sex. And sulks / gets angry if he doesn't get it. Does he honestly want to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex? There's a name for that.

Please don't think this is normal. A loving bf would be looking after you, checking up on you, sharing the load, making sure you got some rest, never demanding sex or making you feel guilty for not wanting it. He would understand and be patient. He'd be trying to find solutions to your baby's upset with you. You don't have to live like this.

SquaresandStarlings · 18/05/2023 01:45

perfectcolourfound · 17/05/2023 19:59

Op you have a demanding baby. But you would be better able to deal with that if you had a half decent bf.

He is selfish, lazy, entitled, imature, uncaring, incapable of parenting his own child, thoughtless, disprectful.... the list goes on.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP - it sounds just awful.

The advice from PPs is very relevant- your DP sounds absolutely vile. But you can't really do anything about that while you have a newborn.

I think just try to take each day at a time. Your baby will eventually settle into a routine and then you can start to finally think about yourself and your relationship, and whether you think you can stay with this (frankly useless) man.

My heart goes out to you.

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 01:55

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 08:10

@QueSyrahSyrah that sounds like a good idea. He can’t cope with the crying for 5 mins as it is. I’m not sure I would want to leave the baby.

So he can't cope for 5 minutes with the crying, but you deal with it day and night, every day and night...and when you get a couple of minutes of peace he thinks it's acceptable to start pawing at you and hounding you for sex.

He sounds awful.

Aria999 · 18/05/2023 02:03

Tell him you don't want any sex right now. Any. You will let him know when / if that changes but you anticipate at least 6 months.

Tell him it is partly but by no means entirely because you are not getting any break from baby.

If he can't respect that, he's not a keeper.

user1477249785 · 18/05/2023 02:24

OP I have no advice on your relationship but I just want to say I had a baby like yours. She was also allergic to cows milk. I posted on her in distress about her seeming crying rages. Couldn't put her down, take her on a car ride. Anything. She screamed non stop. It. Was. Awful.

She's 13 now. She's the most genuinely delightful soul ever. Easy going, calm. Just brilliant. It got better as soon as she could start moving herself. Hang in there. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time, this won't last forever.

Original poster

Onetwothree45 · 18/05/2023 06:43

@user1477249785 i really really hope so every day is so bloody awful. She seems so pissed off all the time. She has ripped the hood of the car seat holding onto it on the sides and screaming in rage. She is an angel if held and walked around every waking second but that is just not possible. By the time I’ve got dressed I’m too stressed and overwhelmed to go out. She’ll only cry anyway.

OP posts:

BarleySugars · 18/05/2023 06:51

Yeah, ignore that post about the quickies 🙄 you're not a w* sock! I'm too tired for sex just because I'm old and I've got a house and job to keep on top of, but DP does't sulk or get annoyed!

I think you need to spell it out to him that you need him to pick up some slack in order to have energy. If he won't chuck him back and just look after your kiddos.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/05/2023 09:51

He's also betrayed you by sharing personal messages with his roommates. Disgusting behaviour.

Tbf, she's shared his personal messages with the world on here.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/05/2023 09:52

(wrong thread sorry!)

fghj149 · 19/05/2023 21:40

Hi OP just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel ❤️ we’ve not had sex since I fell pregnant and DS is 8 months. I’m still bfing few times a day and my sex drive is non existent on top of the tiredness. The other night I sat him down and had a heart to heart explaining how I was feeling and the lack of sex drive, and would recommend it. It’s not ideal but trust that your libido will come back as I’m sure mine will. But don’t have sex if you don’t want to and if he doesn’t understand he isn’t worth it. Xx

Dery · 19/05/2023 22:47

@Onetwothree45 - not sure if you’re still reading but have you tried cranial osteopathy for your baby. It can be very soothing for them. And ignore the poster who suggested that what a baby is doing at 6 months is an indicator of what they’ll be doing on the cusp of adulthood. That’s utter bullocks.

UWhatNow · 19/05/2023 22:54

You’ll get less pestering and rapey grabbing if you ditch him. He does sweet FA so it’s not like you’ll miss any help or support.

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