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Original poster

Too tired for sex and bf I can tell is getting annoyed.

69 replies

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 07:48

He initiates every night and I’m just getting more and more annoyed and I think so is he at my rejection. I’m just so tired I’m not in the mood and want to sleep.

We’ve got a six month old, she is cows milk allergic and has terrible reflux. She is very high needs and screams most of her waking time unless carried around. Screams in the bouncer, on the floor, in the car or in the pram. I’m at my wits end by the time bf comes home. He doesn’t understand how hard it is on my own all day with the hours of crying and will only contact nap. I do all the night feeds also, she only has one currently.

My older child, not his has started contact with her dad after many years not seeing him. She is taking it out on me as it’s all very new and scary for her. I’m emotionally exhausted. I also still have anaemia from a major bleed during babies birth.

Sex is high on his list and at the bottom of mine. Baby asleep by 9pm wakes at 1am for a feed that takes an hour and is awake at 5am. In between she wakes anything between 10 and 10,000 times. Bf gets up at 5:30am for work.

I need a break. I don’t know what to do as I’m just not wanting to have sex. What should I do?

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 09:44

talk to him - tell him what you wrote here. that you're at your wits end and simply have no energy for sex, that him asking just makes you feel like you have one more task to complete and it's added pressure. Tell him you need a cuddle and not your body grabbed.

and tell him to f- this garden and hold the baby for you

C1N1C · 17/05/2023 09:48

You're right to feel this way, but for fairness, we also need to see it as an adjustment for him too. While you've been left with the baby and are run ragged and shouldn't feel obliged to provide sex, he was also probably used to a more attentive wife and more sex...

Obviously, don't feel pressured or do anything you don't want to do, but I think it's early days in his jury verdict... he will try his luck for a bit until he comes to the realisation that he is now number two... it's inevitable. Babies take priority, and it takes some people a little longer to see the bigger picture.

I do agree with the other comments though... a day or two of him having sole responsibility with the baby may provide him some much needed insight into your reluctance for strenuous activity :).

Youknownorhing · 17/05/2023 10:05

Sadly a story as old as time.
Woman has baby where man used to being centre stage in her affections. (I know you have another child OP - but to start a new relationship and get pregnant- he must have occupied a fair amount of your undivided attention. )

Then being a typical man child he expects life to continue EXACTLY as before . With the exact same amount of attention sent his way.

He is a typical example of an immature male.

The story hasn't quite played out yet though. A few more weeks of refusal and he will start having sex with someone else - and this will be 'YOUR fault' .. because you 'made him' unfaithful by all your rejection. ..

So sad that you have bred a child with such a poor excuse for masculinity. I honestly think they should all come with a trip adviser rating ..

I'm another one saying leave his child with him for a day and night and then see how much sex he wants !

escapingthecity · 17/05/2023 10:10

Took over 9 months after both of mine before we DTD again. I was exhausted and EBF both and in no way ready after two very difficult births. DH respected that and didn't put pressure on me, even though it wasn't easy for him. Your DP needs to back off.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 10:43

C1N1C · 17/05/2023 09:48

You're right to feel this way, but for fairness, we also need to see it as an adjustment for him too. While you've been left with the baby and are run ragged and shouldn't feel obliged to provide sex, he was also probably used to a more attentive wife and more sex...

Obviously, don't feel pressured or do anything you don't want to do, but I think it's early days in his jury verdict... he will try his luck for a bit until he comes to the realisation that he is now number two... it's inevitable. Babies take priority, and it takes some people a little longer to see the bigger picture.

I do agree with the other comments though... a day or two of him having sole responsibility with the baby may provide him some much needed insight into your reluctance for strenuous activity :).

The issue is that "trying his luck" might be appropriate for let's say, maybe a slot machine, or a lottery ticket, even a dog begging for a biscuit, but not really for a man plying himself sexually upon an uninterested new mother every night.

It's not about "trying his luck". She's not an inanimate object.

Lookingoutside · 17/05/2023 11:21

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 08:10

@QueSyrahSyrah that sounds like a good idea. He can’t cope with the crying for 5 mins as it is. I’m not sure I would want to leave the baby.

Based on this you should leave HIM!

ThePoetsWife · 17/05/2023 13:37

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 08:37

Yes I do all the housework. It’s not so much that he gets annoyed but more how he has the need and energy every night. He is putting me off him and it’s making me feel tired and a bit ugly.

He can burn off the excess energy by taking over the chores and stepping up to be a proper dad

Asuitcase · 17/05/2023 14:01

Are you both the same age? Are you married ?

Does he have children from a previous relationship, or was he in previous ltr.

I agree with the pp, he sounds immature.

So difficult juggling bringing up 3 children and that's what you have, the biggest one sounds a selfish, self absorbed prick and teaching him to completely change is going to be hard if not impossible.

My advice, if you're not married, get married and hopefully if things do go peared shaped then you mey get some financial settlement.

Every night when you have a demanding new born, he's on another planet.
If he can't recognise his behaviour is selfish then he won't be adverse into punishing you for lack of attention.

I'm sorry he's not asset to your life only a debit.

Groutyonehereagain · 17/05/2023 14:10

Nothing worse than a sex pest. My ex was one, that’s why he’s an ex.

StopStartStop · 17/05/2023 14:15

He also grabs me inappropriately all the time like if I bend over to pick something up.

He's a sex pest.

TheShellBeach · 17/05/2023 14:16

He sounds awful, OP.
Have you thought of sleep training your baby?
Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours.

Puppers · 17/05/2023 14:33

Ugh. He sounds completely unattractive and I'm not surprised you don't want to shag him.

If one of you is utterly exhausted and the other is bouncing about the place, wanting nightly sex sessions, then the workload in your family is not fairly divided. He needs to do more. Currently, he is a piss poor dad, a piss poor partner and a piss poor stepdad. He isn't pulling his weight. Your sex life is a symptom of the problems in your relationship, not the cause.

He treats you with zero respect. You are not there to satisfy his sexual urges. Sex is about intimacy and mutual enjoyment. Not one partner being harassed when they clearly aren't up to it and don't want to do it.

I think I'd be weighing up whether my life would actually be much easier as a single parent. It doesn't appear that he makes life happier or easier for you.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/05/2023 14:52

Even if you don't want to leave the baby for a weekend I'd go out for a few hours Op so he gets a taste of your days. Make sure he doesn't drag in a female relative to do the work for him either.
I don't believe he can't sleep unless he Does something sexual, that just sounds like a guilt trip.

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 14:57

He's a sex pest.

God help you.

You have had a child with a lazy selfish loser, who is consumed by his own needs.

This is a disaster and will only get worse.

Protect yourself financially as best you can.

But you need to see him clearly and protect yourself from him.

RayofSunshine18 · 17/05/2023 15:08

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 09:27

@altmember we have sex once a week. The baby is really high needs. Medically fine but she has been like this since birth. She has to be carried all the time. She screams if put in anything. I have to bath with her and co-sleep otherwise she won’t sleep at all, I don’t feel sexy at all. She jumps at every sound and gets so overwhelmed, she can’t self sooth. If left to cry she gets in such a state she chokes and vomits. I’m exhausted physically and mentally. If you’ve ever experienced this kind of baby you’d know.

I could have written this 3 years ago.

My daughter was like this. It was horrendous, to the point that she is now my only, and will be, my only child as I genuinely don't think I could cope with doing it again.

This probably is not what you wanted to hear, but I actually ended up splitting with her dad because my thoughts were 'if I am going to do it by myself, I may as well DO IT by myself'.

I ended up taking her to a chiropractor (we had a very bad birth - she got stuck) and getting a sleep therapist to help me.

3 years later and she is nearly 5 and a very very settled and very happy, much less screamy, child!

ecuse · 17/05/2023 15:17

Your husband seriously needs to be more tired.

Remind him that the quickest route to more sex is finding ways to make you less tired which -shocker - is quite within his control.

Nothing sexier than a partner who treats you with respect.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 15:17

@RayofSunshine18 her birth was horrendous. Induced labour failed as her heart rate went so high they turned off the drip. I ended up with a c section, she was 9.8lbs and massive for me as I was a size 8. She was so squashed in me. I’m wondering if she has birth trauma, she is so clingy and jumps at every noise.

OP posts:
ecuse · 17/05/2023 15:18

And stop having sex with him once a week. It doesn't sound like you want to do it.

Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 15:25

altmember · 17/05/2023 09:21

Are you really that tired that you can't even have an occasional quickie? That level of tiredness is something that needs sorting out before you collapse or have a serious accident, never mind the sex.

If your child is as clingy as you're saying (and she's not your first so you must have a bit of a yardstick), then that's not normal at 6 months old and needs resolving. Otherwise they'll still be like this when they're 17! Maybe going away for an entire weekend and leaving her with your bf is too much to start with, so start off by leaving them together during the day at the weekend and increase it from there.

It's almost as if you think that OP is obliged to provide sex for her partner, and obliged to train him up gradually in parenting his own child.

But... surely not?

RayofSunshine18 · 17/05/2023 15:29

Yes this is similar to what happened to me - I was also induced and (unbeknownst to me) my pelvis is twisted and she got stuck in the birth canal. I had a ventose delivery so being pulled out by her head didn't make her overly happy (or me actually - my back / hips have never been the same!)

See if you can get her into an Osteopath or a Chiropractor - I wish I had done it so much sooner. It didn't change her over night, but it definitely helped.

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 15:37

Onetwothree45 · 17/05/2023 15:17

@RayofSunshine18 her birth was horrendous. Induced labour failed as her heart rate went so high they turned off the drip. I ended up with a c section, she was 9.8lbs and massive for me as I was a size 8. She was so squashed in me. I’m wondering if she has birth trauma, she is so clingy and jumps at every noise.

I would strongly recommend a cranial osteopath.

I brought all of mine to one.

My friends son couldn't settle, constantly unsettled, unhappy.

2 sessions different baby.

He was big, she too was a tiny size 8, he was so squished apparently this was the reason.

That is one big baby, god love you.

Gettingbysomehow · 17/05/2023 15:40

Your boyfriend is an absolute piece of shit. Who the hell does he think he is.
I'm sorry OP you need to dump him.
He is not entitled to sex with you whenver he wants, he has zero compassion for you, in fact I'd say he couldn't care less about your feelings.
My ex husband was an every night sex pest too. I almost had a breakdown because of it.
I feel fantastic now he's gone.
So will you.

Pinkbonbon · 17/05/2023 16:51

So hes a pig who ĺets you do all the housework and childcare, including when he is home?

And you think you're the problem?

Honey this isn't the 1950s. Chuck him back.
Don't have any more kids with useless man child guys.

Ellie450 · 17/05/2023 17:29

@Onetwothree45 Wait how old is he?? I assumed by the way you described him that he was around 25 but you mention that you’re 40?

If he’s the same age then frankly I don’t think he’s worth it. Once they get that old without developing maturity, empathy, and self-control there’s usually not much hope of them improving. You already do everything, you don’t need to put up with his crap too. 💐

BishopRock · 17/05/2023 17:35

Christ, what a gem of a man.

Another one saying leave him for 24 hours, see how up for it he is then.

But then you say you can't because you don't trust him with his child for more than 5 mins.

What exactly is he bringing into your life? Other than unwanted sex pestiness?

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