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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to toxic relationship

39 replies

TD7 · 16/05/2023 20:40

It’s so hard to stay away from my toxic relationship I don’t like being single and alone it’s not easy even after so much pain the urge is horrible…anybody else feel like that how do you not let yourself get sucked in again when you don’t have many ppl around you

OP posts:

nodneat · 17/05/2023 06:55

@TD7 how long have you been separated? Please stay strong and don't go back. If you don't have many people to turn to, find that. Start of with counselling, build your confidence, new hobbies etc it can take time but it is worth it

Shivvy120 · 17/05/2023 10:25

DO NTO GO BACK.
It will be the worst call you ever make. Seek out therapy and counselling, and go to someone who is an expert in that field.
Why would you live your life in a constant minefield? What is so bad about being aline? You'll meet someone again when the time is right. There is nothing wrong with being alone, take a break from relationships for a while.
Being alone is so much better than being tortured and abused..

Original poster

TD7 · 17/05/2023 20:10

We have been separated for 6 weeks I’m not going back I’m just finding it hard I don’t have a lot of ppl in my life and I feel so lonely I’ve been back and forth over the last 14 years he hasn’t hit me for 5 years but I finally left 6 weeks ago after verbal abuse…I haven’t felt the same about him since he split my eye open but it’s crazy to say I feel something

OP posts:

LividHouse · 17/05/2023 20:11

Yes, it’s crazy.

He’s hurt you physically. You need to spend time working on yourself and whatever it is that’s made you think this is a person you deserve to spend time with.

Original poster

TD7 · 17/05/2023 20:22

Lividhouse ……I know I know it is crazy maybe it’s low self esteem…plus the way he try’s to reel me back in he is a bid manipulator he is using nice yak ticks at the moment I have to say to myself I have been here many times before

OP posts:

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 20:25

Hi OP,

Have you ever read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft?

It's an amazing book about abusive men and how they operate and it's often recommended on these boards. Bancroft was a counsellor for abusive men and he gained a lot of insight into their behaviour from working with them.

I mention it because this is the book that enabled me to leave an abusive man and stay away. I kept going back and couldn't understand why. This book and the understanding I gained from it, finally made it stick.

aureus3012 · 17/05/2023 20:41

The best way to get over a toxic relationship is to block the abuser. Block him on WhatsApp, your phone contacts, email, Facebook etc. Be very thorough. It is hard but you will definitely benefit from it. Good luck, I know it is hard x

Ducksinarow1987 · 17/05/2023 20:45

Hi OP,

First of all, don't berate yourself for that urge. Look up trauma bonding, because understanding that will help you to break free. People can say 'don't go back, it's crazy' but they are not in your shoes. Many people who suffer abuse go back several times before they finally break free. I urge you to read as much as you can about what's happened to you, there are so many podcasts out there and videos on YouTube. Understanding it for exactly what it is and the emotions it is evoking in you will be helpful.

Ducksinarow1987 · 17/05/2023 20:46

Oh and call wonen's Aid, if you have t done so already as they are so so supportive

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 17/05/2023 20:46

Go no contact.
Read "Getting past you breakup " by Susan J Elliott, can get it on Ebay or Amazon.
Keep busy, envisage your future life once he's out your system for good, you will never look back.

Original poster

TD7 · 17/05/2023 21:06

i will take all of your advice and Thankyou all so much having all of your support ie messages really helps me x

OP posts:

Divorcedalongtime · 17/05/2023 21:07

It was hard for me too for ages but then one day I realised my worth and the temptation was gone.

stay strong

Original poster

TD7 · 18/05/2023 20:20

I realise my relationship wasn’t healthy at all after the violence stopped 5 years ago there has been lie after lie I knew I wasn’t going mad as he has confessed to being a gambling addict …he says I will stop you can have control of all of my money I need you I love you I miss you I will make you happy …I heard it all before even though I’m sad it’s not enough to make me want to go back although if I’m honest I’m up and down my son says it trauma bonding maybe he’s right

OP posts:

sweatervest · 18/05/2023 20:36

things that have helped me:
better to lose someone than to lose yourself

also:
he swept me off my feet, then dropped me on my head

also:
this is not a love story

stuff like that. give yourself one chance to get away from him and take it and run run run. (i ran a year ago. it's a long story but that's the punchline)

Original poster

TD7 · 18/05/2023 21:11

Why is this so hard for me he’s been so awful in the past and we split after 14years now he’s trying to win me back being super nice in brief he’s given me black eyes split my eye open put drinks over my head in a pub cracked my ribs no violence for 5 years but lots of lies and verbal abuse

OP posts:

BCBird · 18/05/2023 21:56

This man.does not love you. He has issues that he is not dealing with. You owe him nothing and yourself everything. Good luck OP.

crackofdoom · 18/05/2023 22:56

Calling it a "toxic relationship" makes it look as if this is something that is both your fault- there's something wrong in the way you relate to each other etc. That's not what this situation is though, is it?

He's abusing you.

aureus3012 · 18/05/2023 23:44

How would you like your son to turn out like him?

Original poster

TD7 · 21/05/2023 20:51

I’m feeling so low no motivation and feel like I’m missing this guy somebody please give me a reality check I don’t know if I can carry this on is it called trauma bonding when you feel you want to go back I’m asking myself was he really that bad

OP posts:

aureus3012 · 21/05/2023 20:57

Allow yourself to miss him but do not contact him. Go and have a bath and relax, take care of yourself. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend x

aureus3012 · 21/05/2023 21:00

Also if you go back to him, it will be worse because he knows without a doubt that he can get away with anything and your self esteem will be even lower because you are choosing to be treated like that. Now is the time to gather all your reserves of strength and resilience. Embrace the peace and joy of living a quiet life x

Original poster

TD7 · 21/05/2023 21:04

Thankyou so much I know I look ridiculous going back again there is no respect and I need to respect myself

OP posts:

thisisasurvivor · 21/05/2023 21:13

He will hurt you forever

Block delete

Cut all ties

Han490 · 21/05/2023 22:14

Wishing you all the best OP. You can get through this. Maybe take some walks in the sun this week, enjoy a glass of wine outside, and do something nice for yourself. There are better things ahead! 🌷

Zuyi · 21/05/2023 22:18

Six weeks is nothing! It's going to take months to build up your other relationships. You need to put time and work into them. Turn your mind to how you can nurture your old and new friendships and family relationships. It won't feel like much now, but later it will be worth it.

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