Am I right to be upset with friends?

[Firsttimemum9189]

I (F,31) am 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Baby is healthy and doing well, but this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy for me; I’m suffering with SPD which has restricted my mobility a lot, and I was also made redundant at 6 months pregnant which has been a massive worry and very difficult.

I have two best friends that I have known since childhood; we have remained close through the years, and despite having busy lives and living an hour away from each other, we usually manage to meet up at least several times a year and check in frequently by text. While we’re not in each others pockets, we have equally been there for one another during hard times and big life events in the past (we have been bridesmaids at each others weddings, helped through really hard times such as divorce, break ups, job/general life stresses etc.)

But at the moment I’m feeling really upset with how little either of them seem to be bothered about me, my pregnancy, or the baby. I have only seen them once since announcing my pregnancy, and that was to go dress shopping for one of their weddings (which the other two of us are going to be bridesmaids for.) There have been no other suggestions or offers to meet up, and just the general messages we send in our group chat to check in on one another. I have shared my struggles with being made redundant, pelvic issues, and feeling down, but it was kind of brushed over. There have been generic messages asking about the nursery and saying how excited they are to meet baby once they’re born, but that’s it.

I’m not a big “baby shower” fanatic and wouldn’t have wanted a big, over the top party or anything like that. I also don’t expect anyone to buy gifts for me/the baby, or pay out of their own pocket throwing an elaborate “shower”. But I would’ve liked at least the offer of a small get together, like an afternoon tea or meal out with just the three of us, and a couple of close family members and friends (10 people or less, in total). I feel like this isn’t expecting too much as we have done much more extravagant things in the past for hen dos, engagement parties, birthdays etc. and have taken it in turns to help organise these events for each other. But nothing has been mentioned or offered by my friends.

My MIL has now offered to arrange an afternoon tea for me to celebrate before my due date as she feels bad for me that otherwise baby won’t be celebrated and I’ve not been able to socialise/get out and about all that much due to the SPD issues. I’ve messaged my two friends asking if they’re available to attend and have given two potential dates (admittedly, it’s a bit short notice with one being in two weeks time and the other in four, but given how far along I am, there weren’t many other options.) Neither are able to attend either date, one because she “has plans” on both dates, and the other because she is now covering someone’s shift at work on one of the dates and is away at a concert on the other. Both have been apologetic, but haven’t suggested we meet up another time to catch up or said much else.

I fully understand that everyone is busy with work and life, and one of the ladies is planning her wedding, so of course has less time for other things because of that as well. But I’m feeling really upset that it seems like I won’t see either of my two best friends until after my baby is born and neither seem to be all that interested in offering me any kind of support or friendship through what has been a really tough time for me and a massive life event.

I will be the first of us to have children. A lot of time, effort and discussion has gone into one of the friend’s upcoming wedding, hen do, wedding planning etc and we’ve all managed to make time and adjustments around busy lives for attending and planning wedding things. Am I being unreasonable/overly hormonal/dramatic for feeling let down and upset?

To be honest, I think l think your friends are reacting pretty normally to your pregnancy. They've expressed excitement about meeting your baby. I don't think I've ever done more than this when a friend's been pregnant. They, perhaps, could have asked more about the SPD and how you're feeling but they're probably wrapped up in their own lives and assume you're fine. I also had SPD and don't remember anyone (apart from my mum) commenting on it.
I've never thought of arranging a baby shower for a friend (really not something I'm in to). I've been pregnant twice and none of my friends have ever thought of arranging a baby shower for me either! I didn't want or expect one. I find the idea of celebrating a baby before it's been born a little odd but maybe I'm just superstitious!
I found that once the first baby arrived there was interest and excitement from friends (and lots of gifts) which was lovely. After the initial excitement wore off people lost interest. If your friends don't have children you might find you're struggling with sleepless nights, colic etc but your friends really won't be interested in hearing about it. Prepare yourself for that! The only people I found who wanted to talk about these things were other new mums at baby groups. They were happy to discuss explosive nappies, sleep deprivation, weaning etc but none of my old friends enjoyed baby talk.

@Firsttimemum9189 I would say your feelings are justified if you have been there for them through everything ♥️ one thing I would say though is that maybe they don’t think you are fit and well to do things with them if you have struggled the whole time and thought with how you are feeling you didn’t want a baby shower that being said I’m not condoning there actions it take two minutes to send a text to someone and ask. I’m sorry you are going through this it’s awful when you are there for everyone and when you need someone no one is there I get it ♥️🤗

Tnf the baby isn't here yet. Plenty of time for celebration surely?

I will be the first of us to have children

Tbh that was pretty evident quite early into your post. Your life is starting a chapter that is totally alien to them. They cant relate at all to what you're going through. They could be a bit more sympathetic but they're obviously not that invested in your pregnancy. Your life is going to change in ways that theirs won't.

I'm sorry you're feeling cut loose. It's not a nice feeling.

I was also going to chime in to say you are entering a completely new stage of life and they 'don't get it' and that's fine. You're no longer going to be the same kind of friend to them as your priorities will shift as a mum and that's fine.
You've also not been working at sounds like at home resting a lot, so you've had a lot of time doing 'nothing' while their busy lives go on as normal.

I totally understand why you're upset but this all sounds very normal. When you choose to start a family this is one of the risks.
Continue being a friend to them, but don't expect too much, e.g. a baby shower. It's an odd tradition and do they even know you want one? Wait til the baby is born and them invite them round.

I’d organise your own pre-baby event - they probably don’t know what kind of thing to do as they are at a different life stage.

Just send them a message saying that you are aware that you probably won’t get to see much of them for a while once baby is here so you’d love to arrange a spa day/ afternoon tea etc, to hang out and celebrate before the baby comes!

I wouldn’t take this personally I do have kids and it wouldn’t remotely occur to me to have some sort of party to celebrate someone being pregnant. For me it’s visit when it’s appropriate after baby is born and take a gift . But a party for being pregnant. I can’t fathom it. I suspect it’s just not occurred if your friends you’d wish a party for conceiving.

As a mum I can honestly say no one really gives a shit about a new baby. Yes it's all oooooo can't wait for cuddles but once the novelty has worn off or in my case baby never got cuddles from these so called friends. Best thing is as a pp said go to baby groups and make friends there.

Sorry to say OP but no one will be particularly interested, outside your own family.

Especially if they haven't had children yet, this part of your life will be alien (and completely uninteresting) to them.

Once the newborn cuddles are out of the way, don't be surprised if they avoid you for a while. It all comes around again though, eventually they'll be at a similar stage and you'll all be the best of friends again!

That sounds so tough. SPD seems like a nightmare I’ve had a few friends who had it and it was very debilitating. It is a real pity about the baby shower too. It is very nice if your MIL to do that.

Your friends are not in the position to give you what you need at present, that is shit but it is actually really really common because friendships absolutely do change when pregnancy and kids come along. It will be very easy to make new friends through baby groups etc. and that will not be too long away but for the moment you are a bit stuck. You will not feel this way forever but this is a really difficult stage.

My MIL has now offered to arrange an afternoon tea for me to celebrate before my due date as she feels bad for me that otherwise baby won’t be celebrated

This stuck out for me from your post and makes me think that perhaps you’re not quite as low key about your pregnancy with your friends as you think. Is it possible that a lot of your conversations have been focused on your pregnancy and that, whilst they’re happy for you, they’re a bit fed up of it?

The baby hasn’t been born yet; I’m sure your friends will celebrate the baby when he or she is born. They’ve sent you messages saying how excited they are to meet your baby and have asked about the nursery. I can’t really see that they’ve done anything wrong here and think you ought to lower your expectations a bit. I think you’ve had a really hard time of late and are understandably feeling fragile, but I’d cut your friends some slack.

Could any of them be struggling with infertility and / or pregnancy loss?

They're child free so far, so they're really not going to be into the whole pregnancy and baby thing. It doesn't mean anything to them as yet.
It doesn't make them bad friends. They just don't have the life experience to be that bothered, beyond being happy for you.

The tide is turning on baby showers. My DD didn't want one and neither have any of her friends.

Enjoy the excitement of your family. In all honesty, they're the only ones really invested in your pregnancy and the arrival of their next generation.

My MIL has arranged an afternoon tea, which I’ve invited them to, but both aren’t able to make it. Given that I’ve only got 7 weeks until I’m due, and both friends have said they’re not available for at least the next 4/5 weeks, it’s looking unlikely we’ll get chance to meet up before baby arrives.

@backinthefog

This is something I always try to be sensitive towards as I’ve struggled with infertility/problems with conceiving in the past (suspected endo).

But in this case, I honestly don’t think so. One friend has openly said it’s not on their radar and they don’t plan to start trying until a year or so after the wedding. The other friend is a lesbian, so of course that brings its own difficulties with conceiving, but she has never mentioned wanting kids and has recently talked about going travelling for several months, so I do really doubt it.

Well I'm sure they'll come round after the baby's born with gifts. For most people the big event is the arrival of the baby. I only know one person who had a baby shower. Many don't.

I am not sure why you are expecting someone else to organise some kind of event. Pregnancy is not some kind of surprise party thing! If you want a celebration or meet up you need to organise it. I think though you are being OTT. The most you can expect is a bit if cooing when the child is born and a little gift.

I don’t think your friends have done anything wrong here, they are just at different points in life.

expecting some sort of celebration before the baby is even born is a relatively new thing and one many people aren’t keen on

@Firsttimemum9189 I have 3 best childhood friends where it’s similar to you, we don’t see each other every week but are in frequent contact, meet up every couple of months and would be bridesmaids etc. I think with it being the first baby I would have thought your friends would have at least done afternoon tea as a 3, that’s what we did. But I really can’t remember if it was discussed by us all and arranged or if the friends organised it for the expecting friend.

@Frankieisbackfromhollywood

I’m not expecting a “party” for being pregnant, just a small get together with family and very close friends. Or even if not that, to have a face to face catch up with my friends at some point.

I’ve arranged several “showers”, “sprinkles”, “get togethers”, whatever you want to call them, for other friends and colleagues and just think it’s a nice thing to get together. If either of my friends were pregnant I would definitely offer to arrange something for them, but maybe I’m just more of the happy to host kind of person.

otherwise baby won’t be celebrated

Baby will be fine with this, I'm sure. But despite what you say, it sounds like you are into baby showers as that's what afternoon teas with friends and family to celebrate a baby in advance of it being born are, even without the gift element. It's a party for you because you're having a baby. I wasn't into them so I didn't want or have one. You do want one, which is fair enough, but it's mixed messages saying you're not into them. Personally I felt it was too fate tempting to celebrate a baby in advance, but each to their own.

I wouldn't expect them to be interested in a baby when it's the first one and they're in different phases, but I would expect the usual level of friendship contact/chat about non-baby matters - unless you've gone full into the new phase and are only talking about SPD and such.

I can understand why you feel upset and it's probably better now that it's clear as it only becomes more drifty when the baby is here. You need to find friends in the same phase and reconnect when/if these friends have DC later on.

I'm a bit surprised they've not been more sympathetic about your redundancy.

It still sounds like a party for being pregnant, especially as you write you’d do it for other pregnant folks. If you want to meet for coffee then ask them, and it’s ok if you want a baby shower, just own it, but also don’t be offended they haven’t thought they need to have a small party for you as you’re pregnant.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down OP I am at a similar stage to you, also the first to be pregnant and have also felt (quietly!) disappointed in some of my friends. It seems to be a really common problem. However, I certainly didn't understand pre pregnancy how sick one can feel in the first trimester or how lonely / anxious pregnancy can feel, so it makes sense that subsequently, my currently childless friends are also not quite getting it. The pregnancy is also very much at the front of our minds at all times whereas it just won't be for our friends. I'm not really able to see beyond my due date whereas my friends are planning travels, weddings, promotions, house moves etc so we are at quite different stages. I'm hopeful it'll all go back to a new normal though once the baby is here.

I think hoping they'd organise a baby shower for you without communicating that to them was setting them up to fail a bit though. I organised a 'final hurrah' tea party with friends and wouldn't have expected anyone else to have organised that for me unless I'd asked them to. Some people can be quite sensitive about celebrations and presents pre-birth and some people just wouldn't even consider it a done thing! However, it's definitely a shame they haven't made the effort to continue normal communication though and to provide support when you need it. Not everyone is interested in babies of course but I'm not interested in everything in my friends' lives and I certainly make the effort to appear so and provide support when they need it. Can you have a chat with them about how much you'd like to see them before the birth?

As a final thought - pregnancy is long. I feel like I've been pregnant forever. However, before pregnancy I found life was busy and went pretty quickly! They're probably just completely wrapped up in their own busy lives and need a reminder that you need a bit more from them currently.

Honestly don’t take it personal. I am the hoster in my group but as said it wouldn’t occur to me. And honestly afternoon tea with your mil , whom I am sure is lovely, or dinner with seven of your close family members, I’d bow out of too.

if you fancy a get together message then and say shall we meet for coffee or drinks, you can drink soft drinks, or dinner just the three of us, but if you want folks to have some sort of event for you cause you’re having a baby then you need to accept irs not something that would occur to most, and an invite to tea with your mil or dinner with your family, wouldn’t be something most would run at. 🙁