Am I right to be upset with friends?

[Firsttimemum9189]

I (F,31) am 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Baby is healthy and doing well, but this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy for me; I’m suffering with SPD which has restricted my mobility a lot, and I was also made redundant at 6 months pregnant which has been a massive worry and very difficult.

I have two best friends that I have known since childhood; we have remained close through the years, and despite having busy lives and living an hour away from each other, we usually manage to meet up at least several times a year and check in frequently by text. While we’re not in each others pockets, we have equally been there for one another during hard times and big life events in the past (we have been bridesmaids at each others weddings, helped through really hard times such as divorce, break ups, job/general life stresses etc.)

But at the moment I’m feeling really upset with how little either of them seem to be bothered about me, my pregnancy, or the baby. I have only seen them once since announcing my pregnancy, and that was to go dress shopping for one of their weddings (which the other two of us are going to be bridesmaids for.) There have been no other suggestions or offers to meet up, and just the general messages we send in our group chat to check in on one another. I have shared my struggles with being made redundant, pelvic issues, and feeling down, but it was kind of brushed over. There have been generic messages asking about the nursery and saying how excited they are to meet baby once they’re born, but that’s it.

I’m not a big “baby shower” fanatic and wouldn’t have wanted a big, over the top party or anything like that. I also don’t expect anyone to buy gifts for me/the baby, or pay out of their own pocket throwing an elaborate “shower”. But I would’ve liked at least the offer of a small get together, like an afternoon tea or meal out with just the three of us, and a couple of close family members and friends (10 people or less, in total). I feel like this isn’t expecting too much as we have done much more extravagant things in the past for hen dos, engagement parties, birthdays etc. and have taken it in turns to help organise these events for each other. But nothing has been mentioned or offered by my friends.

My MIL has now offered to arrange an afternoon tea for me to celebrate before my due date as she feels bad for me that otherwise baby won’t be celebrated and I’ve not been able to socialise/get out and about all that much due to the SPD issues. I’ve messaged my two friends asking if they’re available to attend and have given two potential dates (admittedly, it’s a bit short notice with one being in two weeks time and the other in four, but given how far along I am, there weren’t many other options.) Neither are able to attend either date, one because she “has plans” on both dates, and the other because she is now covering someone’s shift at work on one of the dates and is away at a concert on the other. Both have been apologetic, but haven’t suggested we meet up another time to catch up or said much else.

I fully understand that everyone is busy with work and life, and one of the ladies is planning her wedding, so of course has less time for other things because of that as well. But I’m feeling really upset that it seems like I won’t see either of my two best friends until after my baby is born and neither seem to be all that interested in offering me any kind of support or friendship through what has been a really tough time for me and a massive life event.

I will be the first of us to have children. A lot of time, effort and discussion has gone into one of the friend’s upcoming wedding, hen do, wedding planning etc and we’ve all managed to make time and adjustments around busy lives for attending and planning wedding things. Am I being unreasonable/overly hormonal/dramatic for feeling let down and upset?

If you're due in 7 weeks and they're tied up for 4/5 weeks, you could pin them down on a date now for 6 weeks away just for a coffee and catch up. Something you'd normally do as friends, not anything in the line of whatever you're calling your not-baby-shower-get-togethers-for-the-baby. Do all the latter with your nice MIL et al and put a date in the diary with the friends now. If they're flakey about that, then forget about them and dive into the next phase where you won't be that fussed about them for a while anyway and this drifting may make more sense.

A lot of people seem to be focusing on the baby shower aspect, so I just wanted to say that isn’t really what I’m upset about and perhaps in hindsight should’ve left that part out of the original post. I’m more upset that I won’t have seen either of them in person for at least 7 months once baby arrives, there’s been no effort from them to meet up, despite me trying on several occasions to invite/arrange something.

As a few people have rightly mentioned, I’m probably feeling it more and being overly sensitive because I’ve been off work, not able to get out much due to SPD and feel a bit lost and lonely, which is making it all stand out more than it maybe would if I was busier with work and more plans etc.

I’m not bothered about having a party with games, cake, presents and all that. It’s more about meeting up and getting to spend time with people before baby comes as I’ve felt very isolated, lonely and down in the last few months.

It’s the lack of support and contact that’s getting me down, not the lack of a “party”.

I understand op. Maybe your op focused too heavily on a thing to “celebrate the baby ‘ with ten folks or your mil having an afternoon tea.

i think as you’ve struggled with spd , feeling down , redundancy and other issues this has been why they haven’t suggested you all going out together, but seems you have been sharing your issues but they don’t really know what to say , especially about the spd. It’s hard. It’s also another reason they wouldn’t think to have something.

but if you’re fit and well enough to go out. Why not text suggesting dinner or drinks and then call them and ask on dates?

Sorry I mean something for the three of you, a catch up.

I wouldn't have dreamt of expecting a baby shower/ free gift bonanza. Not many people do.
They're happy for you- you say so yourself.
So let it go.

Some people don't want to talk too much about a pregnancy or the arrival of a baby, before the baby is actually born. They don't want to jinx it!
(My sister-in-law was like that).
Maybe your friends think that you don't want to talk about the baby yet?
It's safer to talk about the baby once it is born.
Or maybe they think that you have new friends who are also currently pregnant, and that you share the pregnancy stuff with them?
I don't have kids, so sometimes I feel like it's not really my place to ask my pregnant friends about their pregnancies, since I have not experienced it myself. I don't want to risk asking the wrong question.
But when the baby is born, I celebrate it, I give many gifts and ask a lot about it!

I wish you all the best, OP!

Yes, just ask both your friends for a date when they are both free and see them then for a casual coffee, meal, mocktail/cocktail, if seeing them is more important than some kind of 'event'. Though to be honest, it sounds as if you don't see them that much, anyway, and as if you're less close (presumably because of geographical distance?) than you used to be?

Hi Op.

I’ve felt very isolated, lonely and down in the last few months.

Have you told them this? Because if you've told them, and you've tried to arrange meet-ups and they've refused, I'd question how good friends they are.

I've seen your update about a baby celebration / shower, and I know you've said it isn't all about that, but the fact you've brought it up, and have clearly brought it up to the extent your MIL said she would host one, suggests it does bother you. I wouldn't judge your friends on that alone. It wouldn't occur to me to hold a pre-baby party. I've never been to one or held one, and didn't realise they were seen as the norm now. Perhaps your friends don't either.

Your friends won't 'get' where you are right now. Their lives and their focus is on different things. So don't expect your imminent birth to be high on their radar. But if you've told them you're struggled and they've refused to meet, that reflects really badly on them.

That makes sense OP. I’d be honest and send them both a message to say what you’ve said here- that you’re feeling down and isolated and would really like to catch up before the baby arrives. They might not have realised quite how difficult you’re finding things. I hope that they respond positively and that you’re able to have a nice catch up with your friends.

“Sorry to say OP but no one will be particularly interested, outside your own family.

Especially if they haven't had children yet, this part of your life will be alien (and completely uninteresting) to them.

Once the newborn cuddles are out of the way, don't be surprised if they avoid you for a while. It all comes around again though, eventually they'll be at a similar stage and you'll all be the best of friends again!”

This with bells on. I was amongst the last of my good friends to be pregnant and it was only when I went through it myself that I realised how important it all feels. Your friends don’t mean to be unkind, OP, they just don’t get it.

I can relate to feeling very lonely and isolated once my baby was born. Sorry the only advice I can give is to say that you contact your friends and ask if they can come round to see you.

Your friends haven’t been pregnant or had children - they won’t have much in common now until they do and you will drift for a while.
never had a baby shower - think they are grotesque - ‘by me presents’ - I’d never organise one either.

Unless you’re in America their reactions are perfectly normal. You get presents when the baby is born. Some people even consider it bad luck to give a gift before it is here. And as hard as this is to read, most people don’t care that much about the baby. The child will be celebrated on its safe arrival, and to me that makes perfect sense.

And as PP has said, your friendships may drift for a bit. You’re at a different stage of your life to them. Make sure you throw yourself into mother and baby groups. You will meet lots of people in the same boat as you. Your friends won’t care about where to get the best babygros, but your new friends will!

I agree with the posters who say that people are not really interested in new babies or are at a different stage of their lives but I do think OP is being ignored and left out. It’s suspicious that neither can attend OPs get-together and neither suggested another meet-up. They could at least have made an effort. OP needs to move on now.

Am I being unreasonable/overly hormonal/dramatic for feeling let down and upset?

no

its not about the baby

it’s that they havnt got your back during a time off illness and major stress

I can see why you feel hurt and maybe you need to expand your friendship circle

Maybe the answer is to change your expectations a bit - your friends could be a bit more attentive, but it's possible that life's been getting in the way and they think they're doing enough. They'll probably be quite supportive and interested after the baby's born. Perhaps they need a bit of a nudge at the moment though.
It wouldn't occur to me to try and arrange a 'baby shower' (or equivalent) for a pregnant friend. I'd expect them to arrange it themselves if they wanted one.

I understand how you're feeling OP and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I do think some people are not really switched onto pregnancy and babies unless and until they experience it themselves. I wouldn't say anything or make anything of it and would maybe keep the afternoon tea to your family. Are you close to your own mum? You could go out with mum and MIL and any other female family members. This is what I did - my family were really excited so we just had a little family gathering before baby came which was lovely. Or if you don't have close family that could be why you're feeling it more.. hormones and illness will magnify things for you too. It is a bit rubbish they haven't asked after you they are possibly just a bit immature and in a different stage of life.. your life is about to change along with all your priorities and relationships do change massively when you have a baby, in some ways it's better to be prepared for this now rather than when baby is here. You will meet new people along the way in the same stage of life as you. There are some great apps for new mums to meet now I met a wonderful friend this way and we've had lots of nice days out with the kids over the years. You will also meet people at baby groups and classes. Try not to stress and enjoy this exciting time (except the SPD!) and surround yourself with supportive people xxx