My childhood wasn’t as great as I thought

[Whathefisgoingon]

I am 12 weeks pregnant with my second, feeling very down and thinking about life.

My mum passed when I was 15, she was troubled and wanted to be the mum she never had, but some things I am now remembering are really getting me down. I don’t know whether they’d be considered abusive, but I feel so. I can’t imagine treating my children like this.

These are just a few examples, but I’m curious to hear of this is reminiscent of a normal childhood. It wasn’t always like this, but my siblings are 20 years older than me and were also constantly fighting or arguing with me, too.

When I was around 9, maybe younger, my mum and I were at the supermarket and I really wanted full fat milk instead of semi skimmed. I must have been really adamant though I don’t remember the interaction. What I do remember is getting home, taking a sip and realising it was skimmed. Repulsed, I didn’t want it. I remember my mum grabbing me by the hair and forcing me in to a cornered kitchen unit and trying to pour this carton of milk in my mouth, since I must have demanded it, to reach me a lesson. Thinking back, this really upsets me.

Another time around the same age having watched the exorcist which terrified me, my mum ran in to my room at night and made exorcist noises before running to her bedroom and locking her door. I was terrified and banging on her door to let me in, before I started shouting that she’d lose me just like she lost her son (bad relationship) amongst other stuff in a desperate attempt for safety. Next thing I know the door flung open and she’s launched on top of me, I’m on the floor and she’s ragging my hair and hitting me. My brother had to break down the door and peel her fingers off me before I ran outside and legged it round the neighbourhood to get away.

I also remember my parents having an argument at the beach, my dad walked off so my mum got me in the car and we found him walking along a dual carriage way. She pulled over and made him get in. I remember being in the back seat with my mum speeding towards cars in front and saying “prepare to die!!” because she was so upset with my dad.

It sounds horrendous. I am sorry, OP. Your mother sounds unhinged.

No, this is not a normal childhood. You are describing an abusive parent - possibly both parents, if your dad was alive and well and did nothing to protect you.

I'm sorry you experienced that and I hope you find peace. Maybe therapy would be beneficial if that’s accessible to you.

Aww love. She sounds very up and down. I think having your own child can raise issues with your own childhood. All you can do is move forward and lear from their mistakes.

Thank you for the replies.

I have suffered severe anxiety all my adult life, as such I’ve been in various types of therapy all of which have u bereavement counselling, due to the death of my mum when I was 15. I’ve never actually spoken about my childhood though so I’m not even sure it was just the death that messed me up, as traumatic as it was.

It’s so sad, because my mum was abused by her own selfish mother, and she always said she wanted to give her children she life she never had.

I wasn’t ever beaten black and blue or hit daily or anything like that, so I suppose I’d never considered how damaging my childhood was.

Have suggested bereavement counselling* that should say.

I'm so sorry OP, your mum sounds mentally unwell.

I had amazing parents, but they both passed away last year. However I'm married to an abusive partner who blows hot and cold and I wonder how our DCs will look back on their own childhood when they're older.

As PPs have said, I think bereavement counselling could really help you, along with the comfort of being a wonderful mum to your own children.

"However I'm married to an abusive partner who blows hot and cold and I wonder how our DCs will look back on their own childhood when they're older."

They'll be terrified, confused and in need of counselling (which probably won't be enough). It's your job to get them out of there, as hard as it may be.

Your mum sounded like she had severe anger issues I'm so sorry she treated you like that. I think maybe some counciling for yourself would be beneficial. None of what she did and I suspect there is more was normal.

Normal parenting *

That’s not normal and does sound abusive, and I’m guessing the examples you have given are the thin edge of the wedge.Maybe with your mum dying when you were 15, you blocked out the trauma and/or felt you could never speak ill of the dead.

H

None of that is normal I'm afraid. It's actually on the extreme end of abusive. Now that memories are coming back it's a very good time to go to counselling and get it all out there. That genuinely will help. Mind yourself as that is quite a lot of suffering in only a few examples.

Sounds very much like my childhood. My mother did some very similar things. I'm sorry you went through this.

I have no answer to why, but its not your fault. It was hers entirely. Whatever struggles she had those were not meant to be taken out on you.

I used to pester and cajole in shops too and I wonder if it was a learned behaviour. Being demanding until I got something was just what my mum did. She used to marvel at children who never pestered or took no as an answer. She made no connection to how she treated me to my behaviour.

Being a mother, I notice DC don't often ask for things in shops but if they do and I say no they let it drop. I think this is something to do with how I say no and that they know they'll be treated soon as there are always treats.

The pestering is children wanting attention and no clear boundaries then it escalates to being shouted at or worse. Abused and neglected Children run on chaos

Usually it's the only attention they get because the parent doesn't interact with them positively.

No that doesn’t sound ok at all @Whathefisgoingon I’m so sorry. Maybe she was a better mum than her own and tried to be the best she could be given her own upbringing as you are trying with yours? Be kind to yourself as you decide how you are going to feel about it all.

@Lemonclub88 Sorry to hear that.

My son is the same. He’s only 3 so he will always ask for something when we are at the shops. Most of the time I get it because it’s something small, but if it’s sweets or choc and I say no, he is ok with that too.

I suppose having my own kids is what has made me re think my childhood. I always knew my mum was “wild” but it’s something the family have joked about. If my son mistakenly chose skimmed milk, I wouldn’t dream of forcing it down him.

I find having your own children brings up unresolved trauma from childhood, it certainly did with me.

I thought I was 'past it' but when I held those tiny babies I sobbed for the baby I was that was beaten black and blue and mostly ignored. As my daughter started school and I started helping her with phonics memories popped back up like when I tried to read my school reading book with my mum and she dismissed me, picked her vodka up and said 'well you can read can't you? What do you need my help for?".

It's not pleasant op, and I sought out therapy on the NHS. I had CBT and EMDR therapy which helped a lot. I suggest you start at your GP and request some sort of trauma therapy in the first instance, and go from there

Oh OP. I'm so sorry, even just these couple of examples make it very clear that your mother was abusive, and possibly quite acutely unwell. It sounds like your childhood wasn't 'normal' as in it wasn't stable, secure and you weren't provided with safety as you deserved. This wasn't your fault, it couldn't possibly have been. Please do seek some counselling or therapy for your childhood, you deserve to have a future more positive than your past has been.

@stars345 Thanks for the reply. I’ve been to the GP a few times and my referrals to the psych teams have been declined. The GP told me that they are even declining referrals for those suicidal as the service is so stretched!

The best I could get was a round of CBT with a separate service, but I’ve had 2 rounds for anxiety and it doesn’t work for me.

How did you find EMDR and was this on the NHS?

I agree it sounds like your Mother was very unwell.

It also sounds like she lacked some of the mental/emotional resources to deal with parts of being a parent- what used to be called how do you deal with it when they “push your buttons”. She wanted to do better but fell back on what she was taught when she felt under stress.

some times our children unwittingly cause us enormous pain I started shouting that she’d lose me just like she lost her son (bad relationship) amongst other stuff in a desperate attempt for safety..
This would be an absolute stab to the heart for any mother, and I cannot think of anyone that would be able to get themselves together enough to react well.

Can you feel any compassion for her: it seems she had an horrific childhood that left her ill-prepared for adult life and died young. There is certainly nothing to envy.

But No, not a normal childhood.

You need a good person centred counsellor who will spend time with you. Unfortunately it might be that you have to pay.

@GuevarasBeret yes I do. I loved my mum

Sounds like your MUM was a very troubled human, took it out on you and then died when you were far too young to process it

and of course it’s all coming up now as you are very hormonal and about to be a mum
totally normal and very full on

it’s really worth having some therapy , everyone says this and it’s true !
sounds like some processing and grief and forgiveness needed xxx

Horrific

It is unbelievable the things children accept as normal because they don't know any better and have no choice and naturally accept their surroundings. And it masks for so many completely shit parents. Frequently we don't see how absolutely fucked up they were until we have our own kids.