My childhood wasn’t as great as I thought

[Whathefisgoingon]

I am 12 weeks pregnant with my second, feeling very down and thinking about life.

My mum passed when I was 15, she was troubled and wanted to be the mum she never had, but some things I am now remembering are really getting me down. I don’t know whether they’d be considered abusive, but I feel so. I can’t imagine treating my children like this.

These are just a few examples, but I’m curious to hear of this is reminiscent of a normal childhood. It wasn’t always like this, but my siblings are 20 years older than me and were also constantly fighting or arguing with me, too.

When I was around 9, maybe younger, my mum and I were at the supermarket and I really wanted full fat milk instead of semi skimmed. I must have been really adamant though I don’t remember the interaction. What I do remember is getting home, taking a sip and realising it was skimmed. Repulsed, I didn’t want it. I remember my mum grabbing me by the hair and forcing me in to a cornered kitchen unit and trying to pour this carton of milk in my mouth, since I must have demanded it, to reach me a lesson. Thinking back, this really upsets me.

Another time around the same age having watched the exorcist which terrified me, my mum ran in to my room at night and made exorcist noises before running to her bedroom and locking her door. I was terrified and banging on her door to let me in, before I started shouting that she’d lose me just like she lost her son (bad relationship) amongst other stuff in a desperate attempt for safety. Next thing I know the door flung open and she’s launched on top of me, I’m on the floor and she’s ragging my hair and hitting me. My brother had to break down the door and peel her fingers off me before I ran outside and legged it round the neighbourhood to get away.

I also remember my parents having an argument at the beach, my dad walked off so my mum got me in the car and we found him walking along a dual carriage way. She pulled over and made him get in. I remember being in the back seat with my mum speeding towards cars in front and saying “prepare to die!!” because she was so upset with my dad.

Hi OP,

There are some great private facebook groups out there for validation and support. it helps to hear from people that have also experienced abusive childhoods - to validate you and make you feel seen.

Therapy is good - it is likely you will have to pay for it. look for IFS or CAT focussed.

Having kids is immensely triggering for us that have had unhappy homes - but welldone in recognising the pattern . you have a great chance of breaking the cycle so the trauma doesnt get passed down

Can you afford private counselling. I don't quite understand. You say you've already been to Counselling , but you never discussed your childhood. Any decent counselling should go back and discuss your childhood, surely?
You say in title that childhood wasn't as great as you thought. Up until when did you think it was great? Because it's immediately obvious to all of us that it was incredibly abusive, that had an occurred to you until recently and you previously thought it was ok? That is even more worrying and just goes to show how completely abused you are.

Please seek support from Gp, counselling, online support, books to read.

I can recommend reading 'The Book You Wish You're Parents Had Read'. I had an unorthodox childhood with elements that I really didn't want to repeat with my own kids. Found it really helpful.

Best of luck xx

@Oblomov23 Hi. I went to counselling for relationship issues I was having. I was completely in love with someone slightly older that messed me around and continuously left me. Childhood wasn’t discussed in detail, it was more of a focus on now and future. This was many years ago.

I’ve also had CBT for anxiety but that doesn’t focus on childhood either, it is mainly looking at coping mechanisms moving forward.

I suppose I always thought that mum was just a bit “loopy”, we always spoke fondly of my mum and I knew that she loved us. It didn’t occur to me until after having my son 3 years ago that maybe it actually wasn’t ok to treat me like that.

It's a shame you have so little insight into your behaviour and where it stems from. You don't have a questioning nature to ask yourself from deep down why am I like this, why do I behave the way I do. It is possible that this is because you have been so badly abused, you just can't recognise that this is not normal.

Try to get some decent counselling now, that will help you delve into the deeper issues. It will need to be gently to start with, but you should be supported to delve deeper in time.

I think you’ve misunderstood something here. OP doesn’t need to question her behaviour, her behaviour is fine. She is questioning her mother’s behaviour, which was appalling.

Bit of a stretch for you to declare that OP doesn’t have a questioning nature when she’s on here asking questions.

@Oblomov23 i don’t think I was badly abused. I know that isn’t the case. Clearly my mother behaved inappropriately and some of what she did was abusive, but there was also good that I remember too. I was never without.

@Oblomov23 I have always questioned things, however there is a lot of trauma outside of my mothers behaviour and I thought that may have been the issue as I hadn’t quite realised how inappropriate my mums behaviour was. I was bullied at school which seriously affected my self esteem and still does to this day, for example.

You experienced some abusive situations during your childhood these are very painful to recall.

This doesn't mean your mother didn't love you or that there weren't positive things you experienced or good things about her.

The fact that she's not here means you don't get to resolve these contradictions with her around. If she was here you may see her being the grandmother she couldn't be as a mother
And that would help you integrate your experience.
Or she may have become more self absorbed and you'd have come more quickly to a realisation that she was a negative in your life.

I'd suggest trying to understand and forgive her if you can. Be kind to her and to yourself. Acknowledge her experiences and your own.

You experienced very painful things as a child that doesn't mean it defines you or your relationship with her.

@StrawberryWasp I don’t actually feel much anger or negativity about my mum, I just feel sad that things were the way they were. My mum was severely abused by her own mother (when she was actually around) so my mum was in hostels etc from age 13. Her nan was the one she loved and saw as a carer, and i can recall seeing my mum crying on the sofa for her dead nan when upset.

It's all so sad.

This morning I was watching my son sleep and the most important thing in my life is to make sure none of my anxieties or issues rub off on him.

I have no doubt that she loved you and you felt loved. But what you are describing is incredibly abusive. It can be, easily, and is often, both.

@Secondwindplease
I meant to not question it before. How old are you OP? You are pregnant with dc2 correct?

@Oblomov23 me? I’m 33.