Should this be a dealbreaker?

[namechangedtoask]

I'm 40, widowed with a 7 year old daughter. I've been dating off and on for 4 years (my LH died 5 years ago). About 18 months ago I started dating a guy who kind of restored my faith in men after a series of absolute frogs. He's kind, reliable, communicative, well-adjusted, good at talking things through, great with my daughter, completely understanding about my LH, never pushy, doesn't play games... he's wonderful. We have a great time together and I love him very much.

But (because there's always a but) we are mismatched sexually. The sex we have is really good, don't get me wrong, but I am very adventurous with a high sex drive, whereas he has a much lower sex drive and is less experimental. Sex, to him, is just one part of what makes a relationship great and he gets as much out of cuddling or talking or sharing experiences etc, whereas for me sex is one of the most important things a couple can share. We have talked about it a lot and things have definitely improved on both sides, but there is still a big difference between us and I suspect, always will be.

Ultimately, I don't think he's ever going to be the sexual partner I want. He doesn't have that level of desire (not for me specifically, but for sex in general) and sex is just not that essential to him. It has got better and it does continue to, but it will never be where I really want it to be. But in every other respect he ticks every box. I feel like I would be mad to throw that away over one thing because if it was anything else that wasn't quite right, I would absolutely live with it because everything else is so great. And honestly, I've seen what else is out there and I know he's pretty special!

And so I'm at an impasse.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it work out? I'm not sure I'm so much looking for advice as I am looking to hear from other people who have been in a similar place.

it depends if it is dealbreaker for you and it sounds like it is.

In my opinion, lack of whatever it is that we deem important in the relationship should be a dealbreaker. Otherwise this will always be an unhappy compromise and lacklustre relation which will ultimately lead to serious frustration.

However, some things can be ironed out if you talk about them so the question is - have you talked about it? Does he know you need more exciting sex life and then he can have all the cuddles he likes?

We have talked about it a lot and I know he finds it upsetting and hates that it hurts me. But equally he doesn’t want to force himself to have sex when he doesn’t want to (and I don’t want that either!) so I guess he feels a bit limited as to what he can do to change things. When he’s had a drink he will often be a bit more experimental, so I suspect that at least part of it is hang ups around sex, and I know he gets performance anxiety (he never has trouble getting or staying hard but sometimes he’s not able to cum).

It feels like it is a dealbreaker, but also like I’ll spend the next 5+ years regretting it because in every other respect he is so great.

Oh OP such a difficult one.

I know how hard it is to find a good 'un out there. And to have him tick all the boxes but one is such a shame.

It depends how important it is to you. It's very important to me, I couldn't be with someone with a different sex drive.

The thing is, his sexual appetite might decline as he gets older and you might be left in a sexless relationship. How big is the mismatch?

He wants it once a week. You want it nightly?

Such a difficult one!! Don't think there is an answer.

if you think this may be a hang-up maybe take more time? Performance anxiety may also be a big part of it - especially if he knows he doesn't perform up to your standard.

That’s exactly my worry @MaybeWednesday. I can live with once a week but it’s already the very bottom end of what I would want so there’s no room for it to get any worse! Although we do only spend one or two nights together each week and I think his argument would be that if we lived together we would have sex more – he’s very much a “sex happens in bed at night or in the morning” person whereas I would quite happily have sex any time, including the days during the week where we see each other but not overnight. And equally things ARE better than they were, so I do wonder if I am being a pessimist in assuming they can only go downhill – but that has been my experience in all previous relationships, the frequency of sex declines. At this stage I probably would want to have sex or some kind of sexual contact every day whereas he doesn’t even masturbate more than once a week, if that. So it is pretty fundamental.

@paintedegg Yes that’s a concern I have to, that by talking about it I’m making it worse! And I’m sure I am, when we do talk about it it does often correlate with him not being able to cum the next time we have sex.

@namechangedtoask could you try to initiate sex on those days when you're not staying over? Or even just a foreplay / make-out session to get him more comfortable with idea of sex outside of bedroom?

And I think more fundamentally than it being about how often we have sex etc it’s more about me feeling undesired and unwanted. He’s not sexually expressive or demonstrative, he’s not hungry for me in the way previous partners have been and I think that’s what’s making me so sad. I’ve often had a higher libido than my partner but I’ve never felt unwanted before because previous partners have been a lot more passionate in that way.

@PaintedEgg I have done in the past and sometimes it’s reciprocated but often not and I end up feeling rejected. And even when it is so much of me is worrying that he’s forcing himself through it, although he would assure me that wasn’t the case. Those are my hang ups though, I know, and unfortunately the more this happens the worse they get!

If you're single you'll be having precisely no sex.

If you compromise on things that matter for more sex, you'll be deeply unhappy.

They are your realistic options.

The chances of meeting and attracting someone who meets all your other criteria and this one are vanishingly small.

Yes I have been there. Yes I did break up with him. But mine couldn't express affection at all. If you're getting cuddles and verbal affection then this modern myth that frequent sex is an essential requirement of a relationship is exactly that. It's ice cream. It's nice. The availability of it isn't something to structure your life around.

@Niceseasidetown I think we can only talk for ourselves and it has nothing to do with "modern myths"

For me, affection would not replace sex. Not at all and in any form - if anything I'd get less affectionate if I wasn't getting enough sex.

Some people are not affectionate by nature - they too could say that your need for affection is exaggerated but it's not - we're just all different.

@namechangedtoask Honestly...if I was in your position I may have tried a bit more for a peace of mind that I didn't just quit without a fight but then I would most likely leave. If he just has lower libido and is that much of a vanilla person then you're right that trying to get him to change would be unfair to both of you.

It would be a dealbreaker for me...but I'm not you. He sounds like a lovely man and he's making you happy, just not in that department.

Ultimately relationships do involve compromise, but you can pick the areas in which you're willing to do so. I personally couldn't be with anyone who didn't at least want sex daily (yes, this sometimes doesn't happen due to illness, work, etc but we still want it to). It's lovely to be wanted every day and to feel desired.

And actually, we very rarely ever have sex at nighttime, it's usually during the working day at lunchtime or weekend mornings.

@Niceseasidetown You're absolutely right of course, and that’s my worry. Do I give up on a man who is loyal and trustworthy and honest and who is willing to love my kid and build a family with me without replacing my LH because of one thing? I’ve had great sex without the other stuff and that sucked too! He is very affectionate and loving, although more with cuddles than words, but I have no complaints there – that for him is the most important part so I get plenty of those. But I don’t feel desired.

@PaintedEgg Thing is we HAVE done more experimental things and they were really fun! But I’m almost reluctant to initiate them in case they don’t work and then that’s my sex for the week over with! Which I know is so stupid…

One consideration that you might not have accounted for OP, is that at 40 you are likely to be hitting the menopause sometime soon and for many women their sexual appetite declines then.

It would be sad to miss out on decades of affection, comfort, fun and good times for the sake of a minor issue that could be resolved by yourself on a DIY basis.

Can you use sex toys to achieve the physical satisfaction which you're not getting at the moment? Finding a sexually matching partner who will adapt to your changing needs over the next few years is a big ask.

@Redebs Yes this is another thing I’ve been thinking about too. I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve had the lower libido but I imagine it is equally challenging and if my drive does decline, I could be very grateful to be with someone who expresses affection in other ways.

I am happy to masturbate and he is fully supportive of that, and honestly it’s not really orgasms that I feel I’m missing out on – it’s the connection that I only feel from sex, and the feeling of being desired. That’s what I’m finding it hard to get past.

No advice op but I'm in the exact same position and it sucks!!

Yes, I've been in a similar situation. I stuck with it, because like you, everything else is good. I would like it twice a week, he is happy with once every couple of months! But we are best friends, so we muddle through. My libido is getting less now that I'm in my 50's, and I still have my best friend to plan retirement with. I do get the frustration, however, I think you have a better chance of getting more sex out of him, by talking or moving in together, than you have of finding a new man that ticks every box. One thing I have noticed, is that my previous partners who did have a high sex drive, all had a roving eye, whereas my DH doesn't. That's definitely a plus.

That’s a very good point @BeachBlondey. I’ve never been with anyone I’ve trusted so completely and I know part of that is because he doesn’t look elsewhere, ever. And that is very important to me.

@hppo I’m sorry you’re in this position too, it’s very hard.

Well I think the feeling of not being desired is quite fundamental. My sex drive is such that I would expect sex every time I saw someone if it was 3 X a week...I like to feel that a guy wants to rip my clothes off and there's also the fun flirty banter.
I think it's an aspect of a relationship and one more important to you than to him.
Regarding the menopause I have actually seen an increase in my sexual desires, some people want sex less but not all.

@namechangedtoask someone else hinted at it - maybe you should give living together a go and see how it is then? Maybe he would get more comfortable with more experimental stuff if he got more comfortable with you - living together increases intimacy after all (for better or worse :P)

Nobody can tell you what 'should' be a dealbreaker for you. It's like posting on a forum asking if you 'should' like broccoli. It's about you, what you like and don't like, and how important those things are to you.

Although we do only spend one or two nights together each week and I think his argument would be that if we lived together we would have sex more – he’s very much a “sex happens in bed at night or in the morning” person whereas I would quite happily have sex any time, including the days during the week where we see each other but not overnight.

I would think this is quite a big part of the problem. It's like every time he stays over, sex is expected. And then there's this performance anxiety. Can you see a point in the future when he could stay over more often? Without going into too much detail, I have been in a similar position. It wasn't a dealbreaker for me but then I'm ten years older than you and postmenopausal. Now that one might go either way for you but you may well find that it becomes less of an issue as you get older.

For me, it was just a case that the good far, far outweighed the less good and I know what the alternative is, and don't much like it. Also, I've found over the years that desire isn't on a downward spiral. It waxes and wanes. So yes, you may find that as he gets more secure in the relationship that he wants sex more, not less.

Ultimately though, only you can work out how important it is for you. Can you accept what he's offering? You don't have to if you don't want to, but you do have to be realistic.

Absolutely nope. If you feel it now it will become a much bigger problem in time. He needs to be much more willing to meet you halfway

I do wonder OP if by making this 'a thing' you are actually extinguishing it.

Sex is something that, by direct reference to it, makes it everything that it shouldn't be. It's all about the feelings.

I can only go by my own experience - my DH has a massive sex drive, but on the, very few, occasions that I've initiated sex, he's just not interested. For him it must be him pestering me until I finally 'give in'.

I do believe that with subtle changes you can work this to your advantage.

Honestly for me it would depend on your chances of meeting someone else. I have a friend in a similar position although much worse and I don't think the good parts are as good either. However for her it seems insane to stay as men love her, she is finally independent and she works in an area where she also meets lots of men too. She would have a really good chance of meeting someone who ticked more of the boxes if she left. She hasn't though. I've another friend who has compromised on a different area which I think is wise as her position isn't nearly as good. She simply isn't as conventionally attractive - people beats the odds all the time and anyone can meet anyone who is perfect for them at anytime but for her it wasn't like she was attracting great men when she was single and also younger. Not a popular opinion i expect

You might be in the menopause earlier than 50 and your libido could hit the floor, then what? I mean, it most likely it will eventually with age. I also agree with @workshy46 , there is also the argument about "options" but I doubt many have as many as they used to when younger z everyone simply ages, and some really badly or never had the "package" to attract the top men. Also, could you see yourself introducing another bloke to your daughter? She's already had enough upheaval.