Gosh, so many responses... will try and answer what I can!
@workshy46 Honestly I think you have a very valid point. Like I say, I had been dating for a while and finding a guy who is honest, reliable, trustworthy and understanding of my situation feels like a miracle. I am not unattractive and I didn't have any trouble getting dates, but that doesn't mean you necessarily find any good ones!
@xfan Yes this is also a good point. It took me a long while to introduce him to my daughter (over a year) for that very reason, and it has gone better than I could have imagined. To be honest, even if we weren't together, he would be in her life (too outing to explain how/why) and that would be a good thing.
@watchkeys I agree. I wouldn't ever want him to do anything he didn't want to do.
@Hairpinleg haha thanks for that – but no, it isn't about the quality of sex. It's very clear that he enjoys it! He has delayed ejaculation as a common side effect of essential medication he's on, and has done for many years (and it has happened with previous partners and also happens when he's masturbating). I knew about it before we slept together. It's only happened a handful of times, but he does get anxious about it.
@QueefQueen80s You have a very good point and I do feel very lucky to have found him.
@PaintedEgg Just to be clear: the sex we do have is GREAT, not mediocre. In terms of quality it's probably the best sex I've ever had. But other than that I agree – right now that aspect probably isn't working for either of us.
@Laffinalltheway Nothing specific! But sex for him is very much an expression of his feelings for me. It is loving and intense and emotional. And it's incredible, the best sex I've ever had. But I also sometimes just want to fuck, you know? And that's not his style. Although it HAS happened, and initiated by him, usually when he's drunk – which makes me wonder if part of it is repression or some kind of hang up. I know his previous long term partners would have been a lot more traditional and anything kinky wouldn't have been well-received.
@mummymeister Very wise advice, thank you.
@Thisistyresome That's a good point. I'm going to ask him to get his testosterone level checked, thank you. I think there definitely are some hang-ups as well – he had a religious childhood which isn't part of his life now but is no doubt part of his psyche.
To add: posting this yesterday was so useful for sorting out my own head. I've come to the conclusion that actually, it's not really about the frequency of sex – yes, I would like to have it more often but I do think we would find a happy medium if/when we live together – or the even necessarily the type of sex, but more about us being sexual with each other, expressing our desire for each other. I'm going to talk to him about this and see if there is a way we can fulfil that need for me without him doing anything he doesn't want to do. I do know that he finds me attractive and wants me – he is a very straightforward, honest and independent man who doesn't need to be in a relationship and if he didn't want me, he wouldn't be with me! – but I think I need that to be expressed in a different way than comes naturally to him. And perhaps that would solve a lot of the issues.
I'll report back!