Friend keeps kicking off at me

[Sandragh]

I have had a close friend for a few years now, we have been there for each other during hard times and get on well. She can be really good fun.

Over the last few months I have been quite wound up by her.

She prides herself on being direct and sees me as “soft” / less assertive (I do stick up for himself but I also don’t think every petty incident needs to be a hill to die on!); she also seems to always find it important to be honest and direct with people, speak her truth etc.

Recently she sent me a snotty message for apparently messaging her and asking too many questions at once. She couldn’t keep up and suggested I kept to one or two questions at a time “to make it manageable”. The tone was really worky and formal, she suggested that we “pause until we find a solution”. It felt like I was getting an appraisal at work!

Second situation has been recent, she was annoyed at me for inviting someone she didn’t like to a meet-up. I tried to find solutions, let’s do x instead, let’s do y instead but she was quite rude about it. She lives with her dp - and is very vocal about how awful he can be to her - yet continues to bring him to meet-ups. I was bringing along a family member with whom I have a similar dynamic. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was “exhausting to hear how awful this person is to you and then to have to hang out with them”. Pot kettle? She also kept telling me how precious her weekends are, how she couldn’t be bothered to spend them with people she didn’t like etc.

the vibe feels a bit precious, very much like she’s “protecting her energy” here, to hell with how it comes across to others.

in scenario two, I withdrew the other person’s invitation so didn’t subject my friend to their company and yet she still claimed to be upset by it all. I also didn’t attend as just didn’t feel like it anymore. She has since sent messages to me asking if I’m ok, checking up on me, saying she misses me.

How do I handle this? I kind of think you can’t send aggressive, hypocritical messages to people upsetting them and then claim to be the victim / not seem to understand why they are then upset! Does anyone have any advice?

Recently she sent me a snotty message for apparently messaging her and asking too many questions at once. She couldn’t keep up and suggested I kept to one or two questions at a time “to make it manageable”. The tone was really worky and formal, she suggested that we “pause until we find a solution”. It felt like I was getting an appraisal at work!

Did you post about this at the time? There was certainly a very similar thread not long ago. The consensus was that giving this sort of "feedback" is not acceptable behaviour.

I did! I’d appreciate if you don’t link to it as it’s on a name change. Looking for advice now for the situation as a whole 😊

She prides herself on being direct and sees me as “soft” / less assertive (I do stick up for himself but I also don’t think every petty incident needs to be a hill to die on!);

Obviously himself should read myself!

She talks to you as if she is in the know and more knowledgeable switched on than you could ever be,
Patronising control freak..

I bet she is hyper ultra senistive about slightest thing?,

It's really tiresome exhausting being around someone like thus,

they allways think they are in the right,

I bet she often goes on a rants about yourself or other people who don't live up to her expectations...!

L.o.l she is definitely not perfect either,

People like that do my head in, they are really irritating as fuck as you will envitablity find yourself accommodating so much for their speacial emotional ect needs,
You forget you compromise so much yourself out of so many various shapes, to fit into agenda or wants, whims . !

She is hard work, does she often misunderstoods stuff you say or other people say,
and takes it the wrong way too?@Sandragh

Am I right or somewhat right, about this one your friend?
My take on this

@Goodread1 yes!!!!

Does anyone have any advice?

She sounds toxic and self-obsessed.

I'd be slowly pulling away from her, keeping meet-ups to a minimum.

Life is hard enough without having people around who don't have your back.

Sorry you are going through this OP. You need to have "your own back" in life.

She sounds like she does nothing but criticise you. She's not really a very nice friend.

I would distance from her.

My advice from experince, is to distance yourself from her , and reflect is she really good to be around with as a friend?
or is it better to fade her out in the background so much she is on peripheral, margins, of your life at least or even better still outside of your life ,altogether @Sandragh
be Like a aquitence, type of thing, someone you know, but only on superficial small talk basis, like if you come across her ,bump into her locally you talk about for e.g how nice or horrible weather is recently, , just in passing ,
nothing more,

Forcus more on developing new friendships with more like minded, or and shared interests hobbies ect, who are better much better fit for you,
another words "find your own tribe like minded people",

Life is far too short and life is mixture of things, can be good,but also naturally occurring dramas happen in life too, which can hard work trying dealing with that,

why have someone in your life who creates so much demands , needless dramas, due to her either misunderstanding stuff people say, ect,
why have someone who does not bring hardly anything to the table, as enhances your life in whatever way, for e.g does she make you laugh, good fun to be around, or someone who is a good listener understanding ect,

I bet she has so few friends, that she thinks it because ,there is either something wrong with them or they don't appreaciate her unique quirky eccentric ways, !
L.o.l 🤣

oops sorry I can't spell the word arquitence properly

I'd go back with, "Exert your boundaries in your own time, love"

And move on.

i've just been through similar a few weeks back.
aggressive towards me, yet calls me a friend but blaming me for a situation (scene) she caused.
i realized that she is a bully and that the relationship is toxic (certainly unhealthy for my mental health). she is very attention seeking and i suspect has strong narcissistic tendencies.
to cut a long story short, i've essentially blocked her/am successfully ignoring her, not engaging.

this is not my usual bend over backward people pleasing self, it's been hard BUT i'm sleeping better.

Sometimes dynamics in relationships just change,
or
You just wise up over time and see dysfunctional fucked up friendships, relationships , and see how unhealthy they really are..

Just move on, she may, slightly you off a bit/somewhat eventually sooner or later she will get the memo, you are no longer her emotional punch bag, handy at times to rant at when life becomes too much stress ect for her.@Sandragh

Oops typo omissions I ment to say, she might slag you off,(trash talk you for a while, ect.

to other people as you are no longer her speacial people pleaser friend ect

Respond to her with "I think you're correct and we need to pause as it's all just getting too much for me."

If you're feeling strong enough you could add "There's only so much of your brutal 'telling it like it is' that I can cope with and I've hit my limit".

Oh I forget to say, @Sandragh

with this kind of person, who is bloody head work at times to be friends with,

It's either most of the time or hell of a lot of time,
it's just one way, it's hardly or rarely reciprocated,

She expects you to be ultra hyper senistive to her unique speacial emotions,
that you envitability feel like you are allmost, are training to perform in a prestigious swan lake ballet 🎭 performance for Russian ballernia company, on your tippy toes with pointed ballet shoes,
to not upset her in way, !

like she has a elusive speacial pass in life, that by being brutally honest, straight to the point, about you or anyone else,

Have you noticed people like her or have similar ways being outspoken tell it as it is types of people ?
have often have tendency to develop sudden onset, selective Amnesia about idea of being tactful ,senistive ect to others,
it's mostly rarely used afterthought.

I have had this kind of “friend,” and recently blocked her. It got to the point where I realized she simply required me to be her punching bag, and that was my main role in her eyes.

i just decided to be done with it. I didn’t even explain - too much energy. I blocked her and moved on. I felt nothing, so I think the friendship had been one sided for quite some time.

just felt relief.

You do not have to accept this weird micro managing critic.

@barmycatmum

Oh totally understand what you mean,

I too had the bit of misfortune to come across someone like this, and of course made the silly mistake of thinking she was a friend too,

You had totally hit the nail on the head, with your very insightful emotionally intelligent comment,

for a while I couldn't understand why I found her overwhelming, confused , why i found her irritatingly-just -under -skin,- like- grit or split- trapped under skin, kind of way,

wondering why I felt this way, about her,

your comments have made me understand now a lot better why

thanks to you, coming on board here,

It's just their batshit/ weird ways of essentially of their being the way they are and just thinking the way they do,
is the issue. !

It's when I come across emotionally enlightening mumsnet threads as this,

Makes me glad that i stumble across mumsnet a few years ago,
i wish I had known, about this website eons of years ago,

Oops typo mistake I ment to say splinter

She sounds selfish and critical, as if everything is all about her. Looks like you're seeing the real her now!

I'd distance myself from her.

How do I handle this?

You tell her to take her energy and shove it up her arse.

Seriously OP, life is short. Ditch the ones who are mega hard work

She sounds like hard work and very ‘me me me’

I’d find that type of friendship mentally draining & would distance myself from it.

"I'm not looking for tips on how to run my life thanks"
then ignore
Life is too short for this shit

She's being way too prescriptive about how your friendship should be.

She sounds very controlling actually and it's making you feel uncomfortable and second guess everything you do/say. Not healthy at all.

If it were me I'd tell her to chill and stop trying to micromanage every aspect of your friendship. No wonder she's exhausted - she is overthinking everything. Perhaps she's suffering from anxiety or something? Either way I'd give her a wide berth for a few weeks to start with.