Friend keeps kicking off at me

[Sandragh]

I have had a close friend for a few years now, we have been there for each other during hard times and get on well. She can be really good fun.

Over the last few months I have been quite wound up by her.

She prides herself on being direct and sees me as “soft” / less assertive (I do stick up for himself but I also don’t think every petty incident needs to be a hill to die on!); she also seems to always find it important to be honest and direct with people, speak her truth etc.

Recently she sent me a snotty message for apparently messaging her and asking too many questions at once. She couldn’t keep up and suggested I kept to one or two questions at a time “to make it manageable”. The tone was really worky and formal, she suggested that we “pause until we find a solution”. It felt like I was getting an appraisal at work!

Second situation has been recent, she was annoyed at me for inviting someone she didn’t like to a meet-up. I tried to find solutions, let’s do x instead, let’s do y instead but she was quite rude about it. She lives with her dp - and is very vocal about how awful he can be to her - yet continues to bring him to meet-ups. I was bringing along a family member with whom I have a similar dynamic. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was “exhausting to hear how awful this person is to you and then to have to hang out with them”. Pot kettle? She also kept telling me how precious her weekends are, how she couldn’t be bothered to spend them with people she didn’t like etc.

the vibe feels a bit precious, very much like she’s “protecting her energy” here, to hell with how it comes across to others.

in scenario two, I withdrew the other person’s invitation so didn’t subject my friend to their company and yet she still claimed to be upset by it all. I also didn’t attend as just didn’t feel like it anymore. She has since sent messages to me asking if I’m ok, checking up on me, saying she misses me.

How do I handle this? I kind of think you can’t send aggressive, hypocritical messages to people upsetting them and then claim to be the victim / not seem to understand why they are then upset! Does anyone have any advice?

Not quite the same dynamic but I too had a very close friend who was very aware of her own needs and feelings and all too keen to pull me up on shortcomings she perceived in me. I have firmly moved her from the close friend to wider acquaintance category in my life. We share some longstanding friends so it wasn't feasible to completely cut her out, but this distance and only occasional meet-ups in company works for me. Might that be an option for you OP?

@Sparkletastic

You have got the right idea 💯per cent,

don't make the mistake of having this type of person as someone who is thought of as a close friend ...

fading out into the background on margins of your life type of idea is emotionally enlightening idea..

or should I have said emotionally relief, along those lines..

What are you getting out of the friendship? Is it a case of having been friends for so long you are conditioned to put up with her behaviour, or is she genuinely good company the majority of the time, with a few diva moments? If you want to continue the friendship then let her lead by example, be assertive with her, protect your own boundaries, if she is being a precious cow then tell her so. You'll continue to be a downtrodden little friend until you do.

I'd just block her. She sounds like a massive drain, you're clearly not getting anything out of the relationship other than being their human punch bag.

I usually feel happier and more energised/relaxed/positive after spending time with my friends.

If you don't get this from your friend I'd stop spending time with her. You might be flogging a dead horse here OP.

Thanks all, some great comments!

she is genuinely good company in the other moments and I do come away from our meet-ups feeling energised. It’s just every few months she will kick off and it’s annoying.

im not sure I really fully trust her, I think she has a mean / jealous streak that I see used on others, but I definitely don’t want to end the friendship. The good times do outweigh the bad.

what I would like is suggestions on how to handle things when she does patronise me or use her therapy talk on me. She knows I’ve been quiet recently and bluntly I’m pissed off with her and need to say something. How can I approach?

Surely you just approach it in exactly the same way as she would? Speak your truth, give her some feedback, or whatever other bollocks she likes to call it.

if she gets upset about the directness of your reply then it says a lot more about her than it does you. She’s a self-centred hypocrite with a superiority complex. If she takes what you say on board and cuts out her crap, great, win for everybody.

what I definitely wouldn’t be doing is tying myself in knots trying to figure out how not to hurt the feelings of someone who quite plainly doesn’t give a fuck about hurting mine.

OP,

You may enjoy her company, but she is jealous, untrustworthy and toxic.

You are wasting your time investing in a relationship with a bully.

She likes bullying you and she has zero respect for you too.

She realises she has overstepped so is reaching out.

But she is toxic.

So crack on if you must, but this "friendship" will remain toxic and unsatisfying because that is who she is.

Toxic.

Ive drafted something up that I won’t be sending but that really nails the patronising communication style I can be subject to… Here goes - response to being asked if I’m ok:

———-

Hey, I’m well thanks.

Something on my mind though that I do have to let you know, is that there have been a couple of occasions now where my boundaries have been overstepped and I’m not comfortable with this.

A while back you asked me to adapt my communication style when we spoke as I was asking too many questions. I was happy to let that one slide at the time as recognise you were feeling overwhelmed - but it’s not ok to put the emphasis on me to change how I speak when you have an issue with it. As you said, it is how I talk so it feels like you are asking me to change who I am as a person - the tone used felt very critical and I can’t accept being spoken to like that when it is a one-sided request. If you have an issue with how I communicate, I am happy to address that in a collaborative way but it’s not my sole responsibility to do that.

The second point is how you spoke to me over the weekend. I know we had a call to discuss after but it’s not fully resolved from my perspective. You didn’t want my cousin to come out with us and that was what happened, i.e. the net result was that you got what you requested. What also happened unfortunately, was that things were said about her which now can’t be unsaid - she is my family member. We both have difficult relationships with loved ones and have vented to each other about these and then have been expected to be polite to them at meet-ups - it’s part of life. I do try always to be diplomatic about these things so it would be great if you could meet me halfway here and also do this, as words do hurt especially when people are slating your loved ones.

I also want to highlight that I make a lot of compromises in this area, for you and all my friends, and that this is a conscious choice which takes effort and self-control. I am happy to do this as it is the nature of a close friendship but I would hope that you see that sometimes when you vent to me about those who are close to you, and I have to see them in person and be polite to them even though they have treated you badly, that is me biting my tongue - so while I won’t bring my cousin to anything in future as you’ve made it clear you don’t like her, I want you to understand that it can also be exhausting for me to do the same thing.

Appreciate you listening to my thoughts here and hope you can see while it’s taken some time for me to get these across. As I said, I didn’t see the point in saying anything for an isolated incident, it felt unnecessary, but on reflection I think it’s important that directness and honesty is always a two-way thing.

There's a fine line between setting boundaries "protecting energy" etc and just being a bully. I'd let the friendship fade and move on. I have a friend like this who I just see occasionally to do an activity with where there isn't too much chat or drama. Usually go to the theatre. Keeps her happy, we both enjoy it and I don't have to engage too much with her toxicity. I get on ok with her on a superficial level but that's all. She used to bring extra people along to our meet ups all the time and I'd just be ignored/side lined and feel awkward. Weirdly whenever I met any other friends of friends they're typically lovely people and we have a nice time. It's just her and her crew!

Nooooo!!!! That is way too wordy!

Something much shorter!

i won’t send don’t worry!!!

it’s so so wordy I know ha!

what would other suggest? I really want dole out the same therapy-speak treatment back though, this wouldn’t be my usual style at all

Hi toxic bully.

Presently I am taking much needed space from your bullshit.

This friendship, AKA, spending time around you is hard bloody work and I am increasingly pissed off with how you imagine you can speak and treat me.

Have a think about the above.

I really have no wish to spend time with you when you speak and treat me badly.

Good luck.

How about that?.

I'm finding this thread incredibly helpful with a difficult friendship of my own.

I recognise a lot of the behaviour described in a very close friend.

I came to similar conclusions that it is not ok and it's a relief to see that most of you share that view.

Good look OP with your friendship. Sadly I think that ours will not survive this and, as someone else said, it's a relief to be free of the critical and controlling behaviour.

Practice being assertive and tell her how she makes you feel.

Then really stick up for yourself and block her.

Just be honest with her. She probably won't take it very well though. I cba with that type.

Dear friend

I've taken a step back from you because the last couple of times we've spoken, it's left me feeling quite upset and frustrated.

I don't appreciate being talked to as if I am an employee of yours. It's fine to tell me that you are struggling to answer lots of questions. It's not fine to bring out the management speak and speak to me as if I'm on a performance appraisal. I don't always enjoy your "direct" communication style, but part of friendship is accepting each other's differences.

Likewise I'm annoyed at you saying you find it "exhausting" to socialise with my cousin because I have previously vented to you about her. Yet you seem happy to expect me to do the same with your partner when you have complained about him to me on numerous occasions.

You've previously said you favour honesty so I am sure you will take this in the spirit it's meant. But if you aren't prepared to abide by the same self awareness that you expect from me, then it's probably best for us to go our separate ways.

Excellent advice from @TheCreamTeaWasFromMe

She sounds toxic and self-obsessed.

Are we using "toxic" for just about everything now?

Thanks @TheCreamTeaWasFromMe i really like your message. Do you think k should soften it at all?

Thank you and no, I don't think you should soften it at all. The reason being that her reaction to it will tell you all you need to know.

If she takes it on the chin, then it's worth trying to find common ground and maintain your friendship.

If she throws a wobbly then you can point out that she's being a total hypocrite to lose it when she's on the receiving end when she cheerfully dishes it out. And then block her and find a nicer friend.