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Original poster

Husband is pushing relationship with his parents

35 replies

Belmont92 · 15/05/2023 21:58

My Husband and I are in the midst of a colossal fight that I am finding very tough to move on from.

He works really hard but sacrifices time with our 6 month old as a result. He’s also landscaping our garden but has been doing so for 2 years.

He decided to go on a stag weekend for a guy he’s never mentioned in the 7 years we’ve been together. He never even spent time with the group but instead, went around bars with one of his mates. I have absolutely zero issue with him going away but what I do have issue with is him dictating what I do when he’s leaving me with a very active dog and a very clingy baby.

I decided to go to my parents whilst he was away for a bit of company and help but his response was “well you’ll need to pop in and see my parents.” I said no for the following reasons:

  • he told me to fuck off before I left for my parents (work call that went wrong as I was trying to mouth to him I was leaving and he got annoyed)
  • two weeks ago, we were on holiday with them for 4 nights
  • I’m about to start working for them and they’ll have our boy 2/3 days a week
  • they’re coming over 2 days after he asked me to go
  • my dad hasn’t seen him in a month

I have been met with such rage that I didn’t go over. They live 20 minutes away driving and I had plans over the weekend but he said that wasn’t good enough as they need to see “their grandson.”

I have no issue seeing them but he seems to create a narrative that I don’t want to see them. It’s an awful lot of pressure to meet his requests for his parents involvement.

I don’t see why I should drop my plans to appease his needs for our son to see his grandparents when they never message to ask if they can come over, or invite me over. I feel he’s really pushing me to do things that it comes across really controlling and he sees absolutely no fault with his actions. He’s also buggered off for the weekend, so why should I go see his parents when they’re seeing him tomorrow?

He wont talk to me and says I don’t respect him. We were even discussing ending our marriage it has escalated that badly.

Our son is exclusively breastfed so it is tricky for me not to be involved but I really don’t see why I should have gone over and it’s ridiculous it’s escalated this badly.

Was I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Motnight · 15/05/2023 22:00

You are going to start working for his parents and they are providing child care?

This will go very wrong very quickly.

savethatkitty · 15/05/2023 22:01

I'd have his things packed for him upon his return. The nerve of him! Nope, YANBU

Fencebreaker · 15/05/2023 22:02

This whole relationship needs a massive rethink.

Why are you even entertaining his requests and why is he allowed to treat you like a child / his property to order about?

Is this how he’s always been?

ConcernedCatmother · 15/05/2023 22:03

Only sentence that made sense here was “ending our marriage”

reverseferreting · 15/05/2023 22:04

And what are you getting from this 'relationship' OP?

Gymmum82 · 15/05/2023 22:04

He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. He is controlling and it’s not up to you to facilitate a relationship with his parents. If he wants them to see the child he can cancel his stag do and take the baby himself

WateryDoom · 15/05/2023 22:07

Tell him it's over. He shows you zero respect - so why would you have any for him?

He sounds a shit husband and a shit father. Get rid.

Soproudoflionesses · 15/05/2023 22:13

What a controlling twat.

Original poster
Belmont92 · 15/05/2023 22:16

my problem is is that there is absolutely no reasoning with him over this. When he’s with our son, he is good with him but he’s so busy with work or garden crap, that he doesn’t see him.

the breastfeeding element makes it difficult for him to see his parents without me but I feel he should be arranging us all to see each other and not forcing it upon me.

His parents are doing me a favour with work as I’m about to get made redundant (whole other issue) so I would be in a panic if I didn’t have the option of working for them. This frustrates me more as I wouldn’t work for them if I didn’t want our son being with them so frequently (they’re home based so I’d see my son whenever I wanted as we’ll all be in the house together)

OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 16/05/2023 07:16

Tell him that if you have to see his parents then he has to come back early and see yours. It's only fair.

He sounds like a prick. Stick up for yourself.

WTF475878237NC · 16/05/2023 07:20

Your baby isn't remotely interested in being away from you to facilitate a relationship with grandparents. Surely they can come over to you sometimes, which he can arrange, even if you're all out in the garden whilst he's working on it? I'd be worried about working for them. Do you feel trapped?

Qwerty111 · 16/05/2023 07:49

Do you think it actually IS about wanting you to see his parents Belmont? Or is it that he likes to issue you with a job list to achieve while he swans off to have fun?

I might be missing the mark but it seems like your relationship with his parents is fine - they see you regularly, you’re happy for them to look after the baby, you’re okay with working for them (although it’s not your dream job).

I wonder if the row isn’t about you and his parents, but more about you and your failure to perform the job list he gave you?

Ihaveshitfriends · 16/05/2023 07:58

He is good dad who doesn’t spend any time with his baby and prioritises everything else…… sounds like a shit dad to me. You need to stop pretending to yourself that he’s a good dad. I spent years pretending this and now I point it out to my partner that the kids don’t bother with him because he doesn’t bother with them.

Naunet · 16/05/2023 08:44

Wow, he thinks he owns you. If he wants his parents to see his son, he can fucking take him, but he doesn’t get to give you orders. Has he always been this controling?

Naunet · 16/05/2023 08:45

Ihaveshitfriends · 16/05/2023 07:58

He is good dad who doesn’t spend any time with his baby and prioritises everything else…… sounds like a shit dad to me. You need to stop pretending to yourself that he’s a good dad. I spent years pretending this and now I point it out to my partner that the kids don’t bother with him because he doesn’t bother with them.

Exactly. The baby wouldn’t have even survived if he’d been fully reliant on his dad for care, so nowhere close to a good dad.

CwmYoy · 16/05/2023 09:08

ConcernedCatmother · 15/05/2023 22:03

Only sentence that made sense here was “ending our marriage”

Yes. Get out now - it will get worse. Do not work for his parents.

whichwayisup · 16/05/2023 09:18

No, you are not in the wrong. Why on earth does he think he gets to tell you what to do when he's not there. Bizarre. Work through it if you can, but he sounds horrible.

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/05/2023 09:23

Do not work for his parents.

SpacePotato · 16/05/2023 09:27

He is trying to control you completely.

I suspect he wanted you to go to his parents so he knew exactly were you were.

His behaviour suggests he doesn't want to spend any time with you or your son.

Leave him. It will escalate and he seems to have already checked out of your marriage.

BishopRock · 16/05/2023 09:28

This has got disaster written all over it.

Like someone else said the only sensible option is "ending our marriage".

Your husband is a crap dad and a crap husband.

If you really need to work for his parents, then use the time planning to leave your spouse. Then sort out a different job and go.

PhoenixArisen · 16/05/2023 09:32

Look for another job.

Muu · 16/05/2023 09:44

It sounds horrible and you aren’t in the wrong, but working for his parents has so many strings attached I think you need to look for a different job.

billy1966 · 16/05/2023 14:29

What a really scary read.

You are in a really controlling abusive relationship.

If you have an ounce of sense you will pack your bags and stay with your parents.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

He sounds unhinged.

He has zero interest in his son, wants to do what he pleases while he controls you completely.

This is a dreadful environment for your child and will only get worse.

His rage is scary and I would be fearful of it.

Go and stay with your family.

This is not a good man, nor marriage.

Maray1967 · 04/10/2023 12:34

SpacePotato · 16/05/2023 09:27

He is trying to control you completely.

I suspect he wanted you to go to his parents so he knew exactly were you were.

His behaviour suggests he doesn't want to spend any time with you or your son.

Leave him. It will escalate and he seems to have already checked out of your marriage.

Yes - spot on. He wants you at his parents’ house so he knows where you are and who you’re seeing. You need to tackle this head on as he needs to know he cannot pull this stunt. If he is so concerned about his parents seeing your child he can come home early and take him.

wp65 · 04/10/2023 12:38

I know this is a zombie thread, but would love to know how things are now, OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread