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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is his behaviour normal?

32 replies

BootsieTootsie · 15/05/2023 21:56

For context - been together nearly a year (this time) we were together around a year and a half with a 6 month gap. Im 32 hes 43.

Today'a problem - I said 'hello dear' to him via message this morning - he's hardly spoken to me all day because he's heard me call a man I've worked with for years and years this in the past. (We both worked with him briefly, he's part of our friend group)

We've chatted today - but it's been very apparent he's been 'off'. Tonight he told me why. I apologised to him first thing this morning anyway when he said he didn't like it straight off, and assumed we'd moved on. After he said it tonight, I apologised again, and said in fairness I get it, I heard you speak to 'X' the other day and it sounded a bit familiar: but I just thought I was being over sensitive so I didn't mention it. Now I'm in the wrong for mentioning that because I'm retaliating, I'm throwing stuff at him that's happened in the past and his response now is 'don't worry about it' 'na, doesn't matter'. Is this normal behaviour? I'm often told by him that I don't use terms of endearment for him enough, I never say nice things to him. And I thought I was this morning and that was wrong. This seems like quite a small thing when I write it but I just don't know what to do, he's genuinely lovely a lot of the time and buys me lovely gifts and checks in on my but the more things happen the more I can't help feeling like I'm dating a narcissist and the gifts and nice things are to numb the pain when things are said and the controlling behaviour takes place.

Advice please!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 15/05/2023 22:00

You're right.

Iknowthis1 · 15/05/2023 22:02

Run.

Original poster
BootsieTootsie · 15/05/2023 22:36

pictoosh · 15/05/2023 22:00

You're right.

I've been hoping I wasn't. If I saw listed the things we've ´discussed' as an outsider I think I'd say the same too

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 16/05/2023 00:21

'And checks in on me' in what way? Like, making sure you are in the house? Making sure you are alone? Making sure you can't have any time to yourself just having headspace he isn't in?

Trust your instincts.
He sounds like a headworker.

You can't even speak to a male work colleague with a term of endearment. He takes huffs! Like a child. All this shit is scary. It'll get worse. Run!

Fantina · 16/05/2023 00:41

i once endured the silent treatment for when a male colleague of commented on a FB post of mine. Because this meant he wanted to have sex with me. It was so ludicrous I went into overdrive to convince him it was bonkers.

I should have left then as I was only a few months in. Spoiler, I didn’t. I now pay a therapist £90 a week to help me to trust my instincts.

frozendaisy · 16/05/2023 04:37

You've apologised twice for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

A better response would have been " you are fucking joking right?". Followed by "sulk all you want I refuse to put up with this nonsens or change how I talk to Bill he"s lovely I've known him ages".

And a healthy relationship would allow any response. Not some simpering from your side.

You are 32 you could get a steam of 42 yr olds to date, he would not have the same 32 year old options believe me. Personally I would seriously give thought to finding someone more your peer group and fun perhaps.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2023 04:45

You called an old friend “dear” and you’ve had to grovel and apologise while he sulks and strops? You know that’s not ok.

Shivvy120 · 17/05/2023 09:44

It sounds as though you have many more examples of ways he is narcissistic, I doubt you pin him as one from this one scenario.
Look, it's a very small thing he has gotten mad over, IMO.You say this man is already part of your friend group, so what is the problem? Is he making a big enough deal so that you won't make this little mistake of ever ringing a man again?
I have been in a relationship with a man like this. Apologies were never enough and he lovvvvved them. I think he actually got a sick thrill out of having me say I was sorry for small teeny tiny things. He once got angry at me for texting my boss something about work, while at work, and went through the entire message thread. My boss is about 40 years older than me FFS. He is being very unreasonable and id be keeping an eye out for telltale signs of controlling behaviours if I was you.
Dont keep apologising to this grown man for being nice to one of your co workers. Bonds formed with them are I'm portent for a happy work environment. What does he call his colleagues? Pffft

TedMullins · 17/05/2023 09:47

Good grief. No it isn’t normal it’s possessive and borderline abusive. Dump him.

CurlewKate · 17/05/2023 09:49

Hills-> that way. Run.

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 09:53

it all depends if this is a very frequent pattern

however - lets give him a benefit of a doubt. He has told you he feels you're not affectionate enough for him, people who don't feel loved do get jealous. and really, it sounds like you're both are and you're both being sensitive - feeling hurt makes people mean.

and to throw some logs into that fire - I'd get pretty upset if I told my husband he upset me and his response was "yeah, i get that, you did x,y and z way back when and upset me too but I didn't say anything" (almost implying that he should get over it too) it sounds like deflection or even that you've just pulled it out of thin air just to shoot his argument down.

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 09:53

you both are* - just correcting my post

piedbeauty · 17/05/2023 09:57

Why did you break up before? What has changed?

I'd bin him again. He's an immature, sulky, abusive prick. And he's 11 years older than you! He's punching; you can do MUCH better.

You feel this isn't right BECAUSE it isn't right. Listen to your gut instinct.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 10:00

You fucked up by getting back together with him and you know it. Stop wasting your youth on him and get rid.

pinkyredrose · 17/05/2023 10:01

He 'checks in' on you? Sure he's not checking up on you?

JeannieAlogy · 17/05/2023 10:04

Are you in the wrong? No
Should you stay in this relationship? Also no.

For all the reasons already outlined by previous posters.

Manichean · 17/05/2023 12:14

Run, run, run. Narc twats gonna twat.

Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 12:19

Drop the 'normal' thing. Even if it is 'normal', you don't like it.

Would you apply 'normal' criteria to anything else in your life as a measure of whether you 'should' accept it or not? You don't like broccoli, but it's normal to eat it, so you think you should? You don't like clubbing, but it's normal to go clubbing, so you do it because you think you should? You don't like alcohol but it's normal, so you drink it because you think you should?

Why are relationships different, for you? Why do you think that perhaps you 'should' accept behaviour you don't feel comfortable with it, if it's 'normal'?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2023 12:19

BootsieTootsie

Why did you get back with him a second time, did he tell you he'd changed or something?. Why are your boundaries in relationships this piss poor, what happened to you to get back with him yet again?.

He needs to be dumped again. This abusive man will otherwise continue to drag you down with him into his pit.

Original poster
BootsieTootsie · 20/05/2023 06:44

Hello,

i went through quite a lot post break up, and I missed him terribly. We didn't really anticipate getting back together but it just happened, and in his defence he had worked on changing things which had been problematic before, he actually did better with that than I ever imagined. It's been a bit more volatile this way round because I'm picking up on things that happened quicker in this instance. I do know a lot or thé things he has done are wrong I really do - things like this that I consider to be so insignificant I just need more clarification on, just so I know it's not actually me being heartless or dead inside as im most commonly told.

it was my mums birthday Wednesday, she passed a couple of years ago. I don't enjoy the day much he knows that. He forgot it was that day and when I reminded him he said how horrible he was blah. Told me he'd leave me be for the evening let me just exist you know. I tried to have a bath in peace, he came in and tipped a load of shower gel on me and tried to shave me repeatedly even though I said no. Apparently, that's the same as me tickling him when he doesn't like it. Then went quiet the rest of the evening.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 20/05/2023 06:50

Yes he’s twisted and manipulated, he knew you were in a bad place about your mum and so tried to provoke you - that would be a total no go from me. I’d finish with him for that, he’s showing you who he really is.

Ragwort · 20/05/2023 06:56

He sounds vile - controlling and jealous .. and barging in on you when you are trying to have a bath and 'shaving you' ... that sounds horrendous (unless a mutually agreed 'activity' Hmm). In many years of marriage my DH has never 'barged' in on me when I am having a bath.
He is clearly abusing you .. do you live together... have you got family or friends who can support you?

CrystalCoco · 20/05/2023 07:05

The thing he did with the shower gel in the bath would be enough for me to get rid - never mind that he did it on the anniversary of your mum's birthday.

I can't stand annoying behaviour like this, it's just not my kind of humour (if he was even trying to be funny rather than just annoying)

barmycatmum · 20/05/2023 07:07

you don’t need labels or reasons to decide you’re done.
he sounds exhausting and tedious.
no, you’re not wrong.

GeneralMelch · 20/05/2023 07:11

He allowed you to have quiet contemplation about your Mum, then burst in on you.
He gives you the silent treatment because you don't fawn enough.
So it hurt when you broke up and you don't want to hurt again?
Some things are worth being hurt for, but I get the feeling you're going to waste the rest of your life with this man.

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