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Original poster

Is this an early warning sign?

28 replies

FattyAirways · 15/05/2023 21:05

I have recently been reunited with a man that I had casual liaisons with around 4 years back. I really liked him then but the time wasn't right for anything more than sex.

There are a few things that might be bothersome to me, but I was wondering if I'm just overthinking it all as I have been out of the dating game for some time now.

He's on a dating site as am I, which is how we got reunited. He talks to women through a live something or other (which I know nothing about), but apparently he watches live streams of people on there and talks to women about nothing sexual, but it's a bit of company for him especially when he can't sleep in the middle of the night. By the sounds of things, he expects to be able to carry on with this as they're just 'someone to chat to and it's completely non-sexual'. I feel that if we started dating that he should be coming off dating sites, but I definitely wouldn't mind him having female friends, so I feel conflicted.

I'd be interested to hear thoughts on this.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 15/05/2023 21:39

Sad as fuck. For that reason alone, I'd dump him.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/05/2023 21:41

Come on. You know this is strange.

TheSilentSister · 15/05/2023 22:42

When I was doing OLD I was on a dating site where they had 'live' options. I never tried it. I wouldn't be impressed if someone I was dating was still on dating sites, it's like he's keeping it going as 'back up' in case you don't work out. I'd tell him that if he wants to continue seeing him then he has to come off - and mean it. I'd also be checking up on the site anonymously!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/05/2023 22:46

Is it MeetMe or similar? It's basically livestreaming if so, it's not sexual (nudity is not allowed) but people do flirt on it. But most just chat.

I personally find it a bit sad and on a level with reality TV but I'm an old fucker so what do I know?

GentlemanJay · 15/05/2023 22:46

I've seen some of those feeds. Jesus! He must be bored sh......

Asuitcase · 16/05/2023 01:30

GentlemanJay · 15/05/2023 22:46

I've seen some of those feeds. Jesus! He must be bored sh......

😂

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 20:36

He justifies it by saying it's friendly chat and he also chats to men, but I feel these conversations could potentially get deep and personal and I think that's something he should be talking about with a partner, not some woman on the internet. Fair enough though if he was single.

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Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 20:38

Also, if one of these women wanted to meet as a friend, I don't know if he'd try and justify that too so where does the line draw?

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Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 20:52

I also feel that it's a bit pathetic. I think he's addicted to it to be honest but it's been there for him in some dark times.

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GreyCarpet · 16/05/2023 21:00

I'd shre your reservations tbh. I wouldn't be bothered taking it any further.

If this is the sort of thing he wants to do then he'll just carry on doing it and, tbf, why shouldn't he? He's been open amd upfront about it. If you don't like it, don't date him. Don't try to change him. It won't work amd it's not really your place to do so. You accept someone as they are or you don't.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 21:05

@GreyCarpet Absolutely, I don't want to change him and he seems desperate to keep these chats going. I just think him talking to other women who are essentially strangers is weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 21:27

Despite several conversations going back and forth between he and I about this, he still doesn't understand my reservations.

Maybe I am just being too rigid and ought to let him speak to whoever if things were to get serious. Maybe I ought to chill the fuck out.

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NotNowGertrude · 16/05/2023 21:35

If he doesn't understand it maybe you're incompatible. Sorry but it does sound really weird, where do you fit in all of this?

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 21:37

@NotNowGertrude I know. Plus, he should be talking to his real life friends and me if we were dating, surely. Him connecting with women he doesn't know just seems odd.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 16/05/2023 21:38

Throw him back. Come on now. It would be pretty desperate to accept this crap.

hobbledyhoy · 16/05/2023 21:43

You're worth more than this and you know it. Don't accept this shit

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/05/2023 21:43

@AtrociousCircumstance I know and just what he has said previously makes me certain that he wouldnt come off the site if we got serious. Then it would be messy as feelings might be involved by that point.

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pollyroo · 16/05/2023 23:12

""it's a bit of company for him especially when he can't sleep in the middle of the night""

Probably the sex site chaturbate or whatever it is or chat roulette Confused

But as pp said ... sad as fuck. Not to mention creepy.

LTcreepyB

Ugh. Just no.

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2023 07:30

Maybe I am just being too rigid and ought to let him speak to whoever if things were to get serious. Maybe I ought to chill the fuck out.

You know when you read about red flags? Well this is a red flag.

You accept that you are not going to change him so why are you already trying to tie yourself up in knots trying to change yourself to accept something you are not happy about? Why not decide he just isn't the man for you and move on?

How long before you're back on here because he does want to meet up with one of these women? Or you find out he's been sexting and you're asking if it's really cheating? Or he messages escorts but tells you he couldn't go through with it or it was just for kicks?

Why not respect your own position on this as much as you're trying to respect his?

What would it take for you to say no, he's not for me?

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2023 07:31

If you got into a relationship with him, this is something you would become less comfortable with as time went on, not more.

Catlord · 17/05/2023 16:52

I wouldn't bother taking this further. Not familiar with these sites but if he wants to meet new people there are ways to do so that are a lot more compatible with a new relationship. If he just wants to chat with random women online then I wouldn't say he's the best fit to be a partner at current. As mentioned, one will prob want to meet and that'll be ok because it's his friend, isn't he allowed friends etc etc. Next.

Stratocumulus · 17/05/2023 16:59

This man is not for you.

Your gut must be telling you something which is why you’ve turned to MN to validate what your second brain is telling you.

If you continue with him on the premise he agrees to stop this habit, he will revert to it as soon as you two hit a bad patch. How would that make you feel? (Baby and mortgage down the line? 😢)

It’s crap. It’s creepy. Dump him. I’m so sorry.

samestyle · 17/05/2023 17:01

He doesn't want anything more than something casual, don't believe it's totally innocent video calls in the middle of the night, it will be with women he finds attractive. /sex talk, he's not giving much to you in full commitment, why accept such breadcrumbs.

Gigglemous · 18/05/2023 06:24

Are you still trying to pursue a relationship? Because if this behaviour is a turn off this early on then you're probably better off as friends.
Never ignore something that crosses a boundary for you so early on

Original poster
FattyAirways · 18/05/2023 07:11

Thank you for your replies. He is adamant that the chat is all innocent. I challenged him on this and asked if it was reversed and I was up talking to men I didn't know all night, would he be ok with that and he refused to answer. We went back and forth and I knew that if we did get together that the chat site would still be a feature in his life. I know that he goes on it for hours a day, most of the day, despite him having a good job. I do think that he has a dependency on it. He ended up blocking me yesterday as he 'couldn't understand what I was upset about'.

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