10 year marriage, finally left.. is this abuse? or me being over dramatic?

[Gemski38]

In a nut shell
10 year relationship, married 8 years. He had a daughter and i had 2 sons, we met and i was pregnant within months 😣and we had 1 son together. Very fast paced relationship looking back..
His ex was mentally unwell (though i find him just as bad) social services removed his daughter and placed her with us, therefore i have brought her up full time for the past 10 years

So the issues were/are
Calls me names when angry or we are bickering - Shit mum, Shit step mum, cold, ice queen, heartless, psycho..
Used to threaten to hurt my dad, or my ex husband when angry
Cannot take blame at all. Like ever.. will get nasty, deny everything, bounce it back on me so NOTHING gets resolved.
Very bad temper, cannot tolerate stress at all. Will go from calm to shouting in seconds
Threatened to rape me years ago
Controlling - hates me wearing tight clothes, bright lipstick, goes through my instagram seeing what men i have on there. I had a few on from the gym we go to,, he went nuts and says I've made him insecure and is disrespectful. Hates my friends especially the ones i have made in uni on my degree. Calls them names, says "i have fucking replaced him" and accused them of brain washing me when i finally had enough
Lets me do EVERYTHING for the 4 children, xmas, birthdays, holidays etc, then im controlling 🙄
Says my body is "wasted" because i dont do anything with it or put it to good use (sex)
Sex obssessed, vile texts all day (more since i have left) will be mean then get into bed wanting sex
Needs to be adored and loved as he has feelings to

Theres loads more, but basically after another night of name calling, going through my phone reading all my texts. He went beserk, called me a fucking lesbian, fucking weird, saying he was going to fill my friends in, and i had to choose, HIM OR THEM

i stood up, said fuck this and left 😭Its been horrific. He didnt care in the beginning but was asking for sex conbstantly (i think he may have had someone in the 1st few weeks) but now hes back.. Crying, saying its me, i was brainwashed in uni and left when i didnt want to apparently. The manipulation is very very bad and im wobbling

Is this abuse? or just a bad temper? Or a man who cannot communicate? He's 42 😳

I feel unwell with it all xx

What are you getting out of the relationship?

Of course it's abuse.

Please speak to a lawyer tomorrow.

Do not let him into your home, he sounds dangerous.

Also

says i have done FUCK ALL for his daughter, apart from take her to school (that killed me) when i have literally done everything for her. Doctors, dentists, prom, sports day, parents evening, her 1st period and bra, planned big parties on her important years, GCSE, literally everything

Talks down to me ALOT, accuses me of fancying random men
Says im fucking negative, when i used to say i was struggling with the 4 kids and uni
Twists everything i say
Threats to burn the house down rather than give me my half of the money. I left and rented

Its killing me to think of him with someone else, hes a handsome man so i know he wont be short of offers and will flaunt it in my face.. i cant leave go, but this is hammering my self esteem and self worth x

He sounds fucking horrendous and definitely abusive. You've done the best thing you can by leaving for yourself and your children.

You say you're wobbling but think what your life will be like if you go back. He sounds like a monster and who knows what else he's capable of.

He won't change - he'll just get worse

Abuse abuse abuse abuse abuse

get out, stay strong, your life will be so much better without him in it. It will be hard on the beginning but so much better

you can do this

This is horrific abuse, to the point it's actually criminal. Don't ever go back to this man. Stop communicating with him.

How can you write all that and still question whether it's abuse and contemplate having him back? He is an insecure, abusive, controlling tosser and you find be in any sort of communication with him except your mutual child. Are you still looking after his daughter?

Does he smoke / take weed ? Smacks of paranoia to me.

I feel I’m reading about my own past relationship. So much of this hit so hard. Belittling . Degrading. It’s all abuse.
He may be handsome and get someone else, sure… but what then? He will go and do the same presumably to them. Maybe not at first but he will.. and then they’ll have to live with him.
everything you described is abuse. The more you endure , the worse it’ll get. I would stop communicating with him apart from just whatever you guys need to chat about with regards to your son.
This sounds borderline dangerous he seems to have anger issues and I’m not a clinician but the word narcissist springs to mind.

Well of course it's abuse.

Don't wobble.
Stay away from him

If you share a child together then let a family member do pick ups and drop offs. If this is not possible, always conduct them in a public place. Never let him in your new home.

I'd also report his harassment to the police.
But if you aren't ready to do this then block him on everything apart from one method of contact and only reply to messages regarding pick up and drop off of the children.

Screenshot any messages you have or that he sends in future, of the abuse.

He's a vile bully and you need to stay away from bullies. As your life with him has already shown you - being at the right hand of the devil, does not keep you safe.

Stay away from him.

Well done for getting out!

Yes abuse. Life will soon be much better without him in it.

The man is a fucking psychopath. You’re worth more than this. Stay away from him. Do you ever watch those documentaries where the bloke kills the woman, and you’re screaming at the screen for them to leave?

This could be one of those. What a nut job.

Also who cares if he’s handsome? Means some other mug will take him off your hands quickly. Not a prize anyone wants to win.

His daughter is nearly 16, i couldn't take her 😭as i have no parental rights over her. But i see her all the time, pick her up and go out. She said they argue all the time, and he goes from being nasty to screaming at her.

He doesn't smoke weed, or take any drugs however he is very very insecure. Almost to the point where its irrational at times. Like the instagram thing, he knows how many followers i have, i deleted some off (the men he kicked off about) and he rung then saying had i deleted them because i was messaging them since we have separated, and now i feel guilty 😕

over the last 10 years, i became a shell of myself. I learnt quickly not to bring up any issues, dont flirt, dont go out much with friends etc.. i ended up suicidal and so depressed 😭

He swings fromn treating me like a princess (so he says) and adoring me, to then total anger and aggression when annoyed or angry. I started a nursing degree and he HATES it. I started making friends and having a social life, it has tipped him over the edge.

When i left he kept on and on about sex, how he needed it, how He has struggled not having much of it the last few months, how hard it has been for HIM.. No self reflection at all..

I KNOW its abuse deep down , i have even had a womens aid involved for 7 years 😳But its total head work and so hard to see and accept when there are nice moments and hes back to being kind..

I am out, and it nearly cost me my life as i was so down, but staying out is harder as he either ignores me, or comes back and wont leave me alone..

im 3 months out and still no further forward really xx

He sounds absolutely vile. Cruel, spiteful, deluded & actually criminal in his threats. Stay away from him. He is NO good for you.

Change his name in your phone to 'Threatened to rape me and burn me house down' Tell everyone who supports you he did these things. It will be hard to minimise his actions when you feel wobbly when you have done this.

Imagine a friend or sister is telling you all of the things you typed.
Then imagine the advice YOU would give HER.

Would it be to run a fucking mile and stay there? Of course it would. You've got this.

Well done for leaving! He sounds unbelievably controlling and narcissistic. Is his daughter living with just him now? I would be concerned for her mental health if she is. Can you report his harassment to the police and block him on all platforms?

Want to know the big secret op ?
He. isn't.insecure.

It's a lie, a con, a trap.
An act designed in order to control you.

It's all designed to make you walk on eggshells and worry about your own behaviour. To trap you on a merry go round of 'prove your worth/loyalty/goodness'.

All to keep you looking inwards thinking 'if only I could just find the right words to make him see'. There are no right words. Because he doesn't want there to be.

There's a guy called lundy Bancroft who worked with abusers for years (ultimately realised it was totally pointless). He did group therapy and they all got into a conversation about how you have to accuse her of being a cheat. Literally right infront of him, giving eachother tips on how to better abuse! Saying it was something to keep the women down. When asked if they actually believed their partners cheated, most said - absolutely not.

Abusers often use similar tactics. Pretending to be jealous and insecure is commonplace. But actually it's just control. It's not insecurity, it's control.

Now I'm not saying these sort aren't also horribly jealous, emotionally fragile headcases into the bargain of course. But by calling it 'insecurity' we almost make them seem like fragile little children that need mummies. They arent and they dont. They are predators. They mean you harm. Don't be fooled by the 'woe is me'. Just run. Run fast and run far and never look back.

Do you want to go back that life?

This is 100% abuse, no matter how nice he pretends to be at times. Sounds like you could do with some professional support. You mentioned Women's Aid, are you still reaching out to them?

Yes its abuse and if you go back you ll never get out again.
Get a new phone and number for all the people you want in your life, consider new social media accounts too and just check the number he has periodically, you dont need him inserting himself into your life when he wants
Could your DSD come to you once shes 16?

Please Op don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You've been a good friend to his DD and he didn't appreciate it, all he sees is someone he wants to take advantage of and tries to excuse his nasty behaviour by saying he's insecure.
You don't have to see him or speak to him if you don't want to, you owe him nothing, so block him on your phone and all your social media. Once you don't have to listen to his lies and nastiness you'll be able to see this all more clearly

Under no circumstances should you take him back. He's very abusive and now you finished it he's trying to manipulate you. He's trying to isolate you snd I reckon that if you go back it will just get worse. Don't feel guilty either.

DO NOT GO BACK. It will be a thousand times worse if you do. Why would you want to live like that, why would you want your children to live like that ? You have left and hat was the hardest part. Staying away isn't easy but block him, seek an injunction and stay safe.