I left the bastard - now what?

[Notenoughenergy]

I’ve been in a relationship with an abusive partner for 8 years. I’ve tried leaving a few times but life is far worse without him. I’m trying again but the future seems so bleak, what happens now?

I feel like all the usual advice is to spend more time with family and friends, but I don’t have any. I have long Covid so can’t work right now and can’t leave the house very often, and I’m very introverted so volunteering or getting involved in the community would be torture.

I feel like going back because my life is shit and I’m so isolated.

Now you make a life for yourself. In the way you want to.

Build your own self esteem. Stop measuring yourself by whether you have a relationship or not. Learn to enjoy your own company. Learn what you like to do. Make plans, have goals and work towards them, however small.

Don’t go back.

You say you don't have friends or family, but a common part of abuse is isolating you from your support network.

Is there anyone you used to be close to who you could try getting back in touch with?

When you were able, what job did you do?
Can you transfer that to wfh?.. can you study online meantime to get qualifications?
Are you able to get outside for a walk?
Go to the library?
These might instigate tiny conversations to get practise..
Can you do any exercise from online classes/ youtube? Although you are not meeting people the exercise will make you feel better.. andrenelin, serotonin etc.... open the windows!!
Small steps.. the start of every journey!!

Good luck.. and remember.. you are worth it.. I know that sounds cheesy.. but it is true.

I always find a good tidy up, clear out and rearrange is refreshing. Makes me feel in control and sorted.

You've done the hardest part, give yourself credit for that. Remember why you left and don't go back. You now have to start rebuilding yourself after he's spent years taking you apart piece by piece. Go slowly, be kind to yourself and think about what you want your life to look like. I'd say be brave, but you've already proved that you are by leaving. Keep going forward, you're amazing

You live your life op because you're free.

Join an online forum of an interest you have so you don't have to leave the house but keep in touch with the outside world.

Try and reconnect with family you've lost touch with.

Everything will come. It took you 8 years to leave, it will take a while to adjust back to life. You can do this and you will get there.

I promise you your life will get better. It won't always feel like this, IMHO. Can you take small steps, take yourself out for a nice coffee every week? Or whatever would do it for you. I know self-care is 'the in thing', but there's summat to be said for it. You've done the hard part now

What is it about your life that improves when you're with him? Try to be specific. Narrow it down to bullet points, and then we can try to help you find those aspects for your life without having to go back to an abuser to get them.

Get a note pad and pen and write down all of the shitty things that you can remember from the 8 years. Add to it as you remember them, they'll come back in dribs and drabs, you'll have shut a lot of it out.

There is a wealth of podcasts and information online which could help you work out why you feel you want to return to your abuser, and not only stop you from doing that, ensure you don't choose another abusive partner in the future.

Knowledge is power, treat it as a project, inform yourself.

When you were with him and felt trapped and as though you'd never be free, what kind of things did you wish you could do? If only I was single, I'd......

Try and remember and see if any of those things are compatible with your current situation. You need to work to fill the void that's currently there, it's really common to be isolated by an abusive relationship. Direct your energy towards this rather than looking back through rose tinted glasses, you've done an amazing thing, but the work isn't over just yet.

Unfortunately with long Covid exercise can make you permanently more unwell, which is a shame because fitness has always been my biggest passion.

I would like to start gaining some qualifications from home but it feels really daunting and such a long way off, I’d love to get A levels so that I could go to University if I ever get better but that’s a big IF, there’s no guarantee that they’ll ever find a cure.

Sounds like your abusive ex isolated you from making friends. He is not in charge anymore, you are. Think about what hobbies you could do. Could you learn to do baking and cake icing? Do you like to read or do crosswords or jigsaw puzzles? Do you like walking. A walk in a wood, or around a lake would do wonders for you. Could you join an online book club? Do you play chess? If you do you could play online games and work up your chess rankings. Do you like to draw or paint? If you have never tried have a go. Go somewhere pretty take a chair and set up your painting easel. Could you volunteer to listen to readers in a primary school. That would help you to meet other parents. Could you go to your library? Anyone can join for free. Are there museums near you that are free? During lockdown I learned to crochet using YouTube CV lips. I made a lovely baby blanket. It gave me a sense of satisfaction. Could you learn to crochet or to knit? You must like something OP. Your ex can't stop you from joining in anymore. Don't go back. You need a lot of courage to leave so make the most of it.

Doing this is what prompted me to leave, my house looks fabulous😂

If you have a friend that lives elsewhere in the uk & you can drive, would they put you up over a weekend?

Are you financially in a position to book a solo holiday or short singles cruise? (There’s a lot of stuff out there for singles.)

In my experience, taking a complete break from home surroundings and going on a short excursion elsewhere can help to reset your emotional barometer and make you realise “I can do this! I’m more than capable of doing my own thing!”

I appreciate you might not be well enough at present but your day will come and you’ll look back and be very pleased with what you’ve achieved just for you.

Put something positive on your “To Do” list and aim for it!
Many of us have been where you are now and thrived. It won’t always feel this bad.

It’s 100% having somebody to talk to. Whenever I leave I go weeks on end without having a conversation with another adult.

I’ve tried really really hard to build up friendships over the years after my first (far more abusive) relationship burned all my previous bridges, but it just hasn’t worked out for me.

Thank you, I’m not really in a position to be able to leave the house more than maybe twice a month right now but the idea of being able to one day is nice and the solidarity helps a lot.

I think that making true friends as we get older, that is friends we share activities with, is much harder as we get older. Folks we meet have the capacity to become friends if we make the effort. Others remain acquaintances but better that than nothing.

As far as that is concerned I find that inviting someone I’ve met and liked to come for a cuppa. (I text them or pop a note through their door.) I’m known to make scones, buy cream & good jam for a cream tea. It’s always appreciated and I’m usually invited back. Not always, but often enough.
Can you do something like that?

You might not be able to leave the house but you're talking to us, right now. You can make connections and get support/company/education/hobbies online.

I think a big part of the problem is the fact that I can’t do any of the things that I’d ideally be doing if I didn’t have the long Covid. I can’t throw myself into exercise, I can’t travel, I can’t go out and keep busy. I can’t work on my career and bettering myself financially. I’m just stuck lay on the couch most days trying to convince my body to start working so that I can make some food or get a shower or clean the kitchen.

Can you make plans for once or twice a month @Notenoughenergy?

Visit a beautiful gallery or gardens perhaps? Sit with a favourite hot drink people watching? Visiting a library and choosing a couple of books?

@Watchkeys this is probably the way forward for me, I just don’t know where to start with it. I’m not very good at inserting myself into online communities, probably a self esteem issue thinking that I won’t bring anything of value to the discussion.

@LostMyUserName yes I go out with my 3 year old every other weekend to a nice park or farm, the other 26 days of the month are an absolute slog though. I have a very productive, proactive, always on the go personality so hate the waiting around in between.

Big piece of paper (tape some smaller ones together if need be) and just sketch out your life - what's important to you, what you want to change, where you want to be in 5 years time etc - everything from relationships to haircut to job to hobbies, the lot

Then get started. Ok, long covid is an arse but you could:

• start preparing plans for travel when you're able
• get duolingo (or other language app) on your phone and start learning a language
• find some new recipes and perfect them
• do some sketching - biro and paper is enough
• give yourself a spa day with cucumber on your eyes, homemade face pack etc
• watch a whole series like the grayson perry art show that was on in covid to expand your horizons
• see if your library does an app with free ebooks or audio books (many do) and have a listen
• link up to a long covid support group and chat to others
• plant up some seeds and watch them grow
• sign up for something like the befriending service to chat to older lonely people https://www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/telephone-friend/
• write your life story

etc etc etc - you might not be able to do anything fast but you can plan and make slow but steady progress towards the life you want

You have inserted yourself into this forum, and there's plenty for us all to say to you, and you're responding.

You are just an ordinary, normal person, you know. I'm sure you have some wonderful, glowing individual traits, but they won't be that you're outstandingly shit at conversation, or record-breakingly boring. You sound nice here. You'll sound nice on other forums.

What are your interests? You might be able to get lessons at something, so that you'll have something to work on that you love outside of lesson times, maybe?

You could do an access course with the open University instead of a levels. You could then do a degree course with them. You can get some online social contact this way too with your fellow students. If you don't have a levels already, the access course is free.

This way, you're getting your brain working and looking to the future.

Yes I agree. I was just about to write the same thing.

first 2 things i would do, find a friendly support site, somewhere where you can talk to other people going through it. secondly sign up to a course, anything.. literally do anything. Find something fun to do, maybe a language or a cooking course or an actual online college course. Just do it to further your interests :) then think about what it is you want out of life because its yours and your free to do whatever you want. right now you have long covid but you might feel better in the future so prepare for the future you want right now.

Sit down and have a plan of how youd like the next 5 years to go and work out the steps to get there, the small steps... if learning something big seems like a big step right now then just do some fun learning for now as i said, a hobby or something just to get to grips with the learning and the schedule etc.

Next up find some online friends as its the first step to being social. Plenty of sites out there including facebook groups ! just put yourself out there and feel comfortable knowing that if you feel too uncomfortable or change your mind you can just leave the group and move on :)