I left the bastard - now what?

[Notenoughenergy]

I’ve been in a relationship with an abusive partner for 8 years. I’ve tried leaving a few times but life is far worse without him. I’m trying again but the future seems so bleak, what happens now?

I feel like all the usual advice is to spend more time with family and friends, but I don’t have any. I have long Covid so can’t work right now and can’t leave the house very often, and I’m very introverted so volunteering or getting involved in the community would be torture.

I feel like going back because my life is shit and I’m so isolated.

Also yes i suggest an access course, they are great! I would look at learning a skill and doing an access course

That's a very familiar scenario for a lot of us with debilitating chronic illnesses. Social isolation, loss of self esteem when we can no longer work, no longer do anything really, boredom from lying down all day, frustration that you can't make your body work the way it 'should'. There's grief, loss and anger to deal with, it felt like the person I was had died. Over two decades later and I still miss running.

There are a lot of support groups on FB, some illness or locale specific, some both, some more general for those with any chronic illness. I'd start there, you could just read for a while, until you feel comfortable. There's people that get what it's like, what you're going through. Not every group I joined was one I liked and felt comfortable in, sometimes there are people who rub you the wrong way or aren't nice people, but then you can leave and try elsewhere. It can be a process, but there's options out there. If you preserver you'll find somewhere you fit.

I've found parenting support groups good too. My closest online friends have different chronic illnesses to me and we all met in a local online single parents group. Unfortunately although we don't live far apart we're all too sick to travel to meet up, but that doesn't stop us from talking lots on messenger and supporting each other.

OP please also don't underestimate what an absolute number one abusive relationship can do on your mental health, never mind two. Go easy on yourself, small steps, and don't think twice about seeking out the support that you need.

Thank you everyone, I’ve taken a lot of the advice here and I feel better for now. I’ve started the process to be enrolled for A levels from September which has made me feel amazing. I’ve gotten involved in a couple of hobby communities and it made me feel a bit less alone simply exchanging a few messages with strangers. I also forced myself out to the gym, I’ll probably regret it tomorrow but I picked up a very healthy meal, had a long soak in the hydro pool and a nice relax in the steam room which really helped clear my head.

Ex dropped DD off after seeing her for a few hours after nursery and managed to start an argument over absolutely nothing, ending in him swearing at me, hurling insults and stating ‘good luck bringing her up on your own while you’re so ill because you won’t be seeing me again!’. It was actually a relief to have that reminder though if I’m honest because he’s been absolutely lovely since I asked him to leave and can’t seem to do enough to help me, it’s had me really questioning my decision.

I’m not quite sure what to do with regards to custody arrangements. I do need the physical help with DD but I really think that I need to go completely no-contact for a while because I feel really susceptible to his nice-guy act when I’m so stressed and down and feeling vulnerable and alone. I’m going to send him a message now to let him know that he should go through mediation or another person to sort out contact, I’m not going to make it difficult but I no longer wish to communicate with him directly and then just block his number.

Thank you, it’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one in this situation. I am scared that I won’t be able to manage all the many physical demands of parenting on my own though, how do you do it?

@Notenoughenergy you've had some great advice already and I can see your mindset is starting to shift, even though you still feel vulnerable to the nice guy act, the very fact you call it an act shows such growth. You've absolutely got this!

I have a different-but-similar chronic health condition and have been a single parent since my DC was 1. It's hard, oh is it hard! But it changes so quickly from 3 until they start school. Their independence grows and their empathy grows with it, be open about good days and bad days and make the most of both! You have a good understanding of your limits already so can work around them.

Starting school will be a game changer in so many ways. It might feel a way off yet but you're putting yourself in such a great position with the online learning, starting to build something that's just for you will be excellent for your self esteem and you'll feel more confident in connecting with other school mum's, as well as having the time and breathing space while DD is at school to do what you need- which includes resting!

Kids are great for meeting new people, you just have to be a bit brave/bold starting up conversations. Are there any local classes you could commit to once a week? They're usually only an hour or so and sitting down with a cup of tea was sometimes all I could manage, if I made it there, but the consistency builds a network (and it's guaranteed conversation with someone!). Best of luck 😊

Go you! I can hear your determination shining through. Once the stress of being in contact with him has eased, you should see some physical health improvements too as stress can do a right number on your body.

Wow, you're doing so well already. Just on the Long Covid, I heard the author of this book on the radio and went and bought the book and it's proving to be great so far (very US-centric, but still lots of great stuff):

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clearing-Fog-practical-surviving-thriving-ebook/dp/B0BLCB7WBY

He's got a fascinating background in medicine (the podcast was on NPR Fresh Air, if anyone's interested). I promise I'm not affiliated with him in any way though!