Apologising for past mistakes to your adult kids

[lovenotwar149]

I have gone NC with my father for several months now due to his abusive behaviour. This NC has now extended to my mother too for the same reason. Since separating myself for their toxicity , which I was a part of and sadly copied some behaviours which I exhibited to my own children, I am now having a lot of flashbacks. A therapist said it is CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). These flashbacks include various traumatic events that happened in my childhood and also some events where I mistreated my own children. My 3 children are between the ages of 23 and 29 now. I have found myself breaking down and sobbing when these flashbacks occur. I do this alone and I can handle it as I know I dont behave like this anymore and haven't done for many yrs now. My question is....is it appropriate to apologise to my adult children for past misdemeanours that they are not even talking about? I am apologising for these things but they are not coming to me with any complaints at all. My husband thinks it could be harmful to bring up things that they are not even thinking about that "I" have a need to apologise for. He says they are in the past, leave them there. I am so conscious of taking accountability for my mistakes as my parents to this day dont take accountability for their actions.
So do ppl think it is appropriate to apologise to my adult sons for past mistakes. FYI I have a very good relationship with my adult sons. Thank you people for reading this.

I know why you feel you have to, but would it actually help them? What if they have no memory of this 'behaviour'? If I were you I'd maybe provide the opportunity for them to bring it up, over a cuppa and low pressure, saying something like.. i feel I made some mistakes as a parent, is there anything you wish I'd done differently?

Maybe apologise without you being specific. I'm really sorry i wasn't always the mother i should have been to you but i love you very much - that sort of thing. They will remember a feeling if not the specifics and actually i think you have an obligation so that they don't repeat mistakes with their own children.

It is such a tough time and there is a significant bereavement that goes along with estrangement. I am estranged a long time from my own family.

I think you just have to do the best you can to deal with it as best as you can. Definitely where possible offload with your therapist first before speaking to your children as it would be incredibly difficult for your children to find their space to process anything that happened to them if you are in an emotionally vulnerable spot because children are attuned to their parents and they are likely to focus on your needs in those interactions above their own.

Overall I think this conversation will happen naturally in time as you discuss your experiences with them. I would be inclined to let it happen that way.

I agree with this

I think you should continue to be the better person that you are now and be the parent they need now in the here and now. Look to them to see what support or help they need, what is it they ask of you? what are their expectations? try to be the best parent to your adult children.

If you are close there are always opportunities in ordinary conversation to casually make reference to the past. I wouldn't stroll in with a can opener and demand we open every tin! I think it might do more harm than good.

I agree with apologising but not being specific.

I am nc with my mother and have been for 11 years largely due to childhood abuse which extended well into adulthood.

I didn't repeat my parents mistakes but I also know that there were times when I wasn't as good a parent as I could have been.

I have apologised to my son for those times (he is 24). He said it wasn't necessary and I had nothing to apologise for but he thanked me and appreciated the gesture and told me he loved me.

My mother will never apologise for her behaviour and never has done. An acknowledgement would have helped so much. My dad apologised to le when I was in my mid 20s and that was fundamental in us being able to build a relationship going forward.

You are close to your sons so the issue isn't quite the same but many people who have difficult or dysfunctional upbringings often say that all they want is an acknowledgement or an apology that they are never going to get.

I wouldn't stroll in with a can opener and demand we open every tin! I think it might do more harm than good.

Agree with this. No need to detail specific incidents but a general conversation about their childhoods/how life used to be and an acknowledgement that, because of your own experiences, you might not have always been the mum you could have been/they needed (whatever the generalised issue was) would be ok.

This is very good advice. This process of reflection will change you. In my case it changed me into a much better parent to my children. They noticed the change and naturally over time opened up about how my past parenting had affected them when they saw a stable change in me. My relationships with them are much improved now and I’m so glad I’ve had this opportunity with them. I was much more shouty and dismissive when they were younger now I am very open to them and very responsive to their emotional needs. It is definitely a real positive of going through estrangement.

I really agree with this. Give them the space to talk about how they felt your parenting was - it may be that they don't remember the incidents you're worried about, or maybe there's other things that bothered them more that they'd like to talk about.

Either way, well done for having such a positive relationship with your sons despite your trauma. I'm a mental health nurse and I know cPTSD is no joke - but you're getting therapy and doing the right things - keep going!

I agree, it doesn’t need to be specific.

But so so many people deeply reevaluate their childhood when they become parents that it may be useful to raise it naturally before that happens.

Thank you so much for replies. Some very useful thoughts. Appreciated :)

I agree with view of not being specific but I think it's important to mention that you're working on yourself and am now a different person. That's fantastic modelling.

Your opening post resonated with me @lovenotwar149 I wasn't the best mum when mine were small, so many things I wish I could have done differently. My dd recently thanked me for being the best mum and I replied I haven't always been but I do try.

If you feel you've wronged someone it's important to apologise. But it should be for the right reasons. There's a difference between apologising for their benefit, being clear it was you not they in the wrong, validating their feelings and assuring them that your treatment of them was unwarranted; and apologising to recieve absolution. By repeatedly apologising for something that's an issue for you but not for them, you're simply trying to get them to meet your needs. In your case, also projecting onto them what you want to recieve from your own parents, so essentially re parenting yourself through them.
You have issues with your own childhood and that should be your focus. It sounds like your children are perfectly fine. Leave them be and don't conflate your relationship with them with the one you really need to process.

Your feelings are totally understandable and I think lots of people with unhappy childhoods feel similarly.

BUT I think it’s worth reflecting on what purpose apologising would serve. It sounds like your adult kids don’t feel they need an apology. That doesn’t make mean you didn’t make mistakes but ultimately making parents mistakes isn’t what makes an abusive childhood, it’s what makes a normal childhood. You seem to have managed to give them that despite what you were going through. That’s something to acknowledge and feel good about. You don’t have to be perfect.

I say this with gentleness- what are you looking for out of this apology? Perhaps you are afraid of becoming one of your parents? Or are looking to your kids for validation your parents couldn’t provide? Explore all this in therapy.

But focus on being a good parent to your adult kids now and don’t expect them to heal parts of yourself damaged by your parents. That’s not their job.

Oh thank you so much. Minierme and 5128gap, you both have made some excellent points that I will re read. Minierme, your comment re "Perhaps you are afraid of becoming one of your parents?" That is one of my biggest fears, biggest fears. Ironically I believe I am doing my utmost to NOT repeat their abuse. The proof in the pudding is the love, respect and sharing , at a very appropriate level I must say, that is very clear between myself and each of my sons.
Re 5128gap "You have issues with your own childhood and that should be your focus. It sounds like your children are perfectly fine. Leave them be and don't conflate your relationship with them with the one you really need to process."
That is on the money , on the money!
Thank you!!

longtompot- I bet that thanks felt nice!! Well done

My parents never apologised for the beatings with a belt I had to cover up at school because I tried to protect my bottom by throwing my arms and legs out. So no they weren't sorry. Mum told my husband we were too soft on our children once.

Thinking back sitting on a school chair in pain, having to wear long sleeves and socks to school meant my mother knew when she picked out my uniform exactly what was going on .

I think you should.

Agree with PPs above - mentioning you're sorry, additionally you could reflect to them the reasons that you might not have always been the perfect mother e.g. you had a rough childhood, which left you traumatised, which may have in effect made you less available sometimes.

Maybe talk about your reasons for going NC, explain that you found it hard when you were first a parent and say that you hope they don't have many bad memories or anything that is still bothering them. That would give them a chance to tell you if there was anything they needed to process.
I'd try to do it so that it didn't come across as asking to be forgiven or wanting to be reassured.
I'd say it's worth mentioning gently - I remember things my mum did that were not a good idea, but I wouldn't bring it up to her. She presumably doesn't know what I remember. A couple of times she's mentioned something that wasn't ideal herself, and it has helped to know that she is aware it wasn't great.

Yes, totally appropriate. I don't think you have to dredge up old memories and re-live them with your adult children. But it's totally okay to say that your own experiences with your parents have made you realise that you weren't always the parent you would have wanted to be, looking back now. That you love them and you did your best, but you're sorry if things were tough for them at times. I don't think you need to make a big deal of it. I don't think you need to go on and on about it. But when you next have a conversation with them where you talk about things when they were growing up, totally fine to say. And you may find the conversation (and what they have to say back) very healing.

I am NC with my family and I have had conversations, in context, with my own dc (who are still children, not adults) and apologised for my behaviour when I was under stress and going through really difficult things. Children, even little ones, know that their grownups aren't perfect, but it's important to model that you can be open and honest about feelings and behaviours and be accountable.

I think context is everything here. What did you do, that you want to apologise for? If it was beating them black and blue, then yes, of course you need to apologise. If it was getting tipsy at a neighbours BBQ in 1998, and them being a tad embarrassed, then no, there's no need to be bringing this up now.

Personally I think apologising is a good thing to do. You don't have to be specific, just say, I'm sorry if I wasn't always the best parent I could have been and I know I made mistakes. Or something.

I have a few friends that grew up in households were parents did things that shouldn't have been done. No physical harm to them but lots of emotional harm. They don't talk about it as adults because they do not want to feel resentment towards their parents but they have all said that they remember xyz being done, this need not being met, and that they are disappointed with their mum/dad for it but will never say anything to them.
I don't think an apology would be a bad thing.