Here is an example ......
I wasn't brave enough to write it before but I am now. I sent this email to my eldest son some months ago.
My dear .....(my eldest son's name)
I dont doubt you too had a good time with ....(brother's name) .
Remember I told you I have had/am having many flashbacks atm. Many. Well one of them I had had many times is this one…...
So (his brother name) dyed his hair yellow/blonde as you saw.
When he first did it, what I said I liked was the fact that he tried a new colour etc..I liked the courage/creativity etc and I let him know so. I recall a long time ago when you dyed your hair , red/orange if I remember correctly. I dont recalll my initial reaction but I do recall you shaving it into a red/orange mohican style thereafter. I recalll really losing it and screaming, unkind words no doubt, and I know you shaved it all off after,
Oh (elder son's name), please may I also tell you how I liked your courage/creativity too…albeit some yrs later. And I am VERY SORRY that I wasn’t able to SEE IT then but I am so blessed and grateful to be able to SEE IT now.
Love you xx
It was received well by him. 😀
At the time the thought of my parents (who at the time had such a strong hold on me, which I allowed at the time. I was so under their spell) seeing this hairstyle and the comments I would receive from them was too much to bear. I dont even know if I even considered whether I liked his new hairstyle. It was my parents shaming voices in my head that came into play.
Another example ....
I am babysitting a neighbours son atm, he's 2 and a half years old. I collect him from nursery sometimes. I take a banana and raisins for him as a snack and he now asks for these 2 items as soon as he is in his pushchair.
I recall how I used to take a drink for my middle son when I collected him from his nursery etc. On one occasion I forgot it and my middle son kicked off or rather showed his anger. I find this flashback very interesting (and upsetting) when I look back now. I as the parent was hell bent on being the 'perfect' mother. The fact that I forgot his juice bottle was a simple mistake but I felt like a 'bad' mother at the time. (this is about 24 yrs ago now btw) . My son's reaction was OTT for sure but so was mine for forgetting something I SHOULD have remembered. I didn't accept his upset/anger, I shamed it as I felt humiliated at him showing me up etc. This is what I am talking about and what I want to apologise for. I am not doing this anymore which is the miracle in the story. I didn't SEE and HEAR my children.I couldn't as I was not being SEEN AND HEARD either. I am still not being seen and heard by my parents. But that's ok because I realise this now and the fact that they cannot see and hear me is because its too painful for them. I have taken appropriate steps to manage this i.e. NC effectively. Putting boundaries in place with my own family most definitely since 2012 where my father stepped over the line BIGTIME and now stepping away just about completely has been a game changer, a game changer for me and I see the dysfunctional pattern, generational dysfunctional pattern in fact, that was (is still) in play. I won't be a part of it anymore and that's a miracle for me. A miracle.
So when my middle son comes to stay this Friday I want to relay that kicking off story to him and apologise for not 'allowing' his anger. I was ashamed ultimately and saw his kicking off as a reflection on me and I put that on him as my parents have put their shame onto me and still do sadly.
I am most definitely now focussing on the very joyful and positive relationship I have with my 3 adult sons and it is so reciprocal too which is wonderful.