Don’t think he likes/loves me any more

[Jan13Blues]

Hi. There are quite a few issues. For a long time he has not instigated sex. When we do do it, it’s me instigating and I choose timing carefully so as to avoid rejection. But for quite some time he’s reduced affection to almost none. In fact none if I think about it. And then now I think we’ve progressed into disdain, I feel I irritate him. All the time! He gets quite angry at life (another issue). He often sees the negatives in a lot of issues but this seems to have become more apparent in our life together. He’s quite a woe is me / victim type person and I find myself finding the solutions but still he won’t even try to think positively. It’s wearing and I don’t feel like the life partner you know, us two against the world. I want to overcome various problems but feel like he deliberately doesn’t want to be part of this team and is holding me back from being equal part in what would seemingly be a great partnership!! So, I have considered, is he depressed? Is he stressed? Is there something else worrying him? Is it just that he’s had enough of me and feels trapped and doesn’t know how to address that? But the day to day thing that has prompted me to post (I really hesitate to post here as I’m not a SM type person and don’t share easily - I would not discuss this stuff with family/friends), is that I just feel so sad and lonely right now. There are frictions, and in addition no one to hold my hand (literally) he never hugs me, the past few times we’ve been out, hasn’t really complimented me on my appearance. I feel he nit picks and what is really hurtful is he’s started to do little criticisms. Two have recently been around my memory (just unable to recall/ forgotten a trivial thing), and this really hurt as it felt like a real dig at my abilities and was just trivial things. I can certainly have a laugh at my shortcomings, but these were not said in jest - as I said, irritation, exasperation, annoyance on his part, like I’m some kind of liability to him. There are other things but would probably make this post mammoth…. For me to bring this up with him I would / am going to find really difficult. He takes any criticism of anything really badly (again, the victim attitude), and also has a little habit of tit for tat which would again for me take me one step nearer killing love for him, and he also uses passive aggressiveness / sarcasm as a kind of defence. Has anyone else experienced this? The drip drip of the constant just feeling of lack of appreciation and just feeling treasured and special to someone?

What keeps you there?

Leave OP. You think you're trying to bring him into the light, but he probably hates himself and despises anyone who loves him. Life is too short to spend it with anyone who makes you miserable. Take all the energy you're putting into him and his feelings into yourself and make yourself happy.

Where do I start? Probably the same things that kept me with my late husband although I did separate from him. We have a large mortgage and love our home - I’m probably a bit more emotionally attached to it but the current relationship situation is making me feel it’s too high a price to pay, to stay with him / here. The house is actually quite a source of our issues and I wonder if selling up would relieve some of the stresses. However if we did this and things were the same, I might wish I’d just gone it alone in the first place. (We’re about to renew the mortgage so it’s quite prominent in my mind now.). Also, I suppose lifestyle/ reputation. He’s now quite committed to one or two social groups where we live, is liked and respected. He does have good points!! Also, we’ve been together a long time. We’re getting older and partly I don’t relish the thought of the rest of my life alone, but other days I just think, I could get a nice little home with a little garden and just live a nice simple life. Id have a lot more disposable income as I’d no longer have the large mortgage. I’d still be lonely but I could do do something about that myself, by finding eg activities which would hopefully help me get new friends. This is particularly difficult for me as I am quite shy and have always got new friends by default, either through a partner or family. If I was single again I’d be facing this difficulty again. Another is just the general thing of being ‘together’. We’ve 2 children each, have a little grandchild (from his side) and from the outside seem a perfect set up. Our kids do cause us some small issues but I think the difficulties are more about how we handle them (think equity of treatment, time spent, money spent on them) (see earlier tit for tat comment) they themselves are actually good kids (all 20’s). We have also got a big holiday on the horizon so I think, shall I just wait till the mortgage renewal is dieted, the COL crisis is settled and we’ve had the holiday and really think about it properly then. (The fees for early repayment would lessen by then, as well.). Sounds quite defeatist I know - which is one of the things that frustrates me about him! I try to take notice of other people and how they live, including posters on MN. One school of thought is you’re better off in a couple but a more recent away of thinking is that the older single woman (I’m in my 50’s) has a great time of it with no ties!!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s an interesting point, he hates anyone who tries to love him. It does make some sense ( esp re his childhood/upbringing). Tragic as that is. And yes - I do have a little habit of overthinking and do spend probably a disproportionate amount of time thinking about his happiness, to the detriment of mine. I think the thought of making myself single, and focussing on my own happiness, I’d feel selfish, so I focus on having a partner and making them happy - with the belief that this in turn will make me happy (better to give than to receive…), but it doesn’t always work out that way. Thank you.

So he can give out criticism but can't take it?

Who made him king of your life?

You should be able to talk to him about anything. But you can't he's witholding affection, picking you up on any slight trivia.

He is bleeding you dry OP

I would move out/tell him to move out. As a first step. Say you need some peace from the constant negativity.

This isn't love OP. It's cruelty.
He isn't worth keeping.
Please believe this.

Thank you daisy (how do you embolden names???). Yes, cruel is a word that has come into my mind but I don’t want to believe that, and again it’s a criticism of him and perhaps it’s just my perception and he’s not actually being cruel at all!! Plus, he would have some absolutely fair criticisms of me because like us all, I am certainly not perfect and don’t behave impeccably all of the time, and can be a bit negative sometimes myself!!! So I hold back as I am not beyond reproach. I do try to lead by example but of course not everything can have a positive slant on it . We get on really well as pals which I really enjoy, but I don’t want just a flatmate and I don’t want a relationship that is platonic. However I can’t make him fancy me or feel passionate about me…. It’s so hard thinking about doing ‘a talk’ to tell him how I feel. I think it could turn into a you did/do this and I was upset, with a response like , oh well what about the time you did x and I just kept my mouth shut but now you’re blaming me for such and such…. I would just get so upset and wouldn’t be able to find the words to continue to a) put my point forward and b) defend or acknowledge/concede anything he might come back with …. I do want to be friends up about this, do things in a respectful way.

I don’t think the situation will improve with someone like him to be honest so if you want to be happier you may need to instigate a split or at least lay it on the table so he knows what is at stake if this continues.

Thank you HT56 for your honesty. It’s so hard, so black and white. I want it all- but that’s not too much to ask!!!! I will keep thinking this over with all of your kind responses in mind. I’m quite a long way along the thinking. Even upping my Rightmove addiction to see what might be suitable for a single woman. The fact that her she’s criticism so badly might signal the end of it naturally, once I bring it up. Thank you all. Any other opinions thoughts welcome…

Re the laying it in the table, does anyone have a good way to do this? It’s so awkward ‘we need to talk’…. I have thought about writing all my points down but would have to memorise it (don’t think I’d have the list at the table!!), and what if I forgot the most important point or we went off track. And of course he may raise things that really bother him that I wasn’t aware of, or things that I was aware of but didn’t want to previously face up to but would of course have to. And then if we decided to split, I dread the bad feelings we’d have to deal with while dealing with the eg financial/practical aspects. Has anyone had experience they could pass on, please?

I don’t want him to feel me bringing it up means I’ve made my mind up and it’s a done deal. I’d really like for him to come to the realisation that how he’s been acting has a real effect on me and hopefully wake him up to his feelings for me. I’m prepared for that to be that he realises he doesn’t really have any any more - and it would be a relief for him to say yes he wants to let me go. But really I’d like him to think shit I’ve been neglecting her and I need to sort that out. He has previously complained about the situation with the house and I’ve steered away from selling up even though this’d make our lives easier, financially and practical upkeep. If he brings it up again, I am more of the mind that this would be a possibility - but am still unsure whether this would fix the problem around the affection.

Yes you're deep in it. He's an abusive man who you hope will value you enough to change.

Long story short; he won't. This will simply erode you until you feel very sad and small indeed.

What is there to discuss? He knows what he’s doing. He knows he’s criticising you, knows he’s witholding affection and he knows he’s a miserable bastard. He also knows this is upsetting you.

He is emotionally abusing you. You’ve become the enemy. It cannot be fixed and frankly you sound scared of him. Do you really want to live out your life with this miserable bastard?

Pictoosh, I read so many stories on MN, some i nod my head in agreement, others I don’t. I often compare them to my own situation and have never, or refused to see it that way. I’m quite naive though. How would you describe this as abusive - when he is the classic nice guy, everyone loves him. The only place his crabby/bad tempered side is seen is at work (he has some unhappiness at work…)

Would be go to couple counseling?

Choosing to stay in a loveless relationship with a man who doesn't respect you is a very, very sad way to live the rest of your life. You're only in your 50's, FFS, you very well have decades of living ahead of you. Don't settle for this.

You don't need to give him a list of reasons. You just tell him you're done as neither of you are happy, and this isn't how you want to live. Essentially, you don't need his permission to separate.

I could have written this 18 months ago. H said he loved me but didn’t act as though he even liked me. No affection, very little intimacy. I knew he was low in mood but he refused to get counselling or help from the GP. It was a miserable existence. Our circumstances were different (we were younger, school age DC) but I knew I couldn’t stay like this. I asked to separate.
Now I’m so much happier! Just me and DC at home. I met a lovely fella about a year after I separated (he’s in similar circumstances). XH met someone within weeks, in fact I have evidence to suggest she was lined up when he moved out. They now live together. He’s still a miserable sod and I’m much happier 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think now is a good time to take the leap, do it before you’re tied into the remortgage. I’d not labour over it too much. Don’t say “you do x y z” just say you’re unhappy and you think it’s best you split, otherwise he may through back “Well you do a b c” or “I can change” etc when realistically he won’t. Good luck.

"It’s so hard thinking about doing ‘a talk’ to tell him how I feel. I think it could turn into a you did/do this and I was upset, with a response like , oh well what about the time you did x and I just kept my mouth shut but now you’re blaming me for such and such…. I would just get so upset and wouldn’t be able to find the words to continue to a) put my point forward and b) defend or acknowledge/concede anything he might come back with …. I do want to be friends up about this, do things in a respectful way."

This OP. He's not interested in doing things in a respectful way.

To recent posters: he has called himself that on a few occasions, but more like oh I’m a mb, I don’t know why you put put with me ha ha. I did on those times day that making light in that way does not make it ok!! And yes this is the way I’m thinking, I’m still relatively young, only just used to being out of the parenting years (took me while for that..). I have considered couple counselling. I think that, again he (and I to a certain extent), would just think that if it’s got to that stage, we might as well just give it up. Plus I had one session with relate with my husband - alone, he wouldn’t go, but I think I remember that after that you have to pay and we don’t have any money for that..

"I’d really like for him to come to the realisation that how he’s been acting has a real effect on me."

He knows. He doesn't care. It's deliberate.

What’s bad about being selfish though? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting your own happiness first - he certainly isn’t putting yours first or trying to make you happy or feel loved, is he? Be selfish. Relish it. Have your simple, free and calm life. If your friends are true friends you won’t lose them in a separation, plus it’s an opportunity to make more friends, start something new.

"Yes, cruel is a word that has come into my mind but I don’t want to believe that, and again it’s a criticism of him and perhaps it’s just my perception and he’s not actually being cruel at all!!"

You know what cruel is. You naturally wish he wasn't/hope he isn't.

"I do have a little habit of overthinking and do spend probably a disproportionate amount of time thinking about his happiness, to the detriment of mine."

It's called walking on eggshells.

I just can’t see how it’s deliberate. And we have nice times…, it’s not all the time. He’s so up and down. Something can upset him - something with me, work, life, whatever and that’s it, I’m walking on eggshells. I hate to use the eggshells phrase as I have been there with previous partners and it’s so demeaning, like I’m some kind of wimp. Which I am, I’m a people pleaser. The irony and the really difficult thing to take is that my partner in lots of things over the years has actually defended me, bouyed me and given me strength and encouragement in general and through some difficult times in my life. So I now feel ungrateful in making these criticisms and feel selfish, like if he’s not doing these good things for me any more then I’ve finished with his usefulness. Re the house, the mortgage update us now imminent and with the market as it is, it would probably take a while to sell. In all reality I’d have to suck up the early redemption thing anyway, just it’s hard when you have to think through getting as much back as you scan in order to set yourself up alone.

Pictoosh, I hadn’t seen your post before I used the eggshell word in mine ! Wow.