Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

vasectomy relationship and years of lie

36 replies

sleepnet · 14/05/2023 00:53

what would you think/do?

years ago I met a man who told me he had vasectomy but will reverse it for me to have a child. on the basis of that I continued the relationship. he also knew I received an inheritance (comfy sum). after few years I nudged for the baby but he was more focused on getting married. I was standing by my point lets explore pregnancy options first, we can get married later. it was always a no. I left it and came back to the topic again after another year (at that point 3 years) - he started going on about how we can not have a child yet because we need bigger house. He had a big house, I had an apartment.
4 years in I realised there is always a reason why it can not happen. obstacle after obstacle. after 5 years he told me that actually it is me that needs to see a doctor because I might be infertile as I haven't got children and he has. I explained that I had all the tests done and I am fertile. he insisted I have them done again. I did them and he did not even want to see the results.
he accused me that I did not want to build anything together with him only wanted a child. to me the greatest value is family and I communicated it across very first date. I think he was actually after my money and lied to me about the reversal. financially he was hoping for me to join with him and perhaps get a bigger house for the future benefit of his children. he has a strange habit of and unhealthy interest in my finances. it has been 8 years and now I feel he is the man that denied me motherhood. mislead me. I want to leave and need some verbal motivation. is my logic correct?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 14/05/2023 00:59

You should have left five years ago

Yes your logic is correct go

Asformending · 14/05/2023 07:07

You know the answer OP. Just LTB, he's only around for your money.

orangegato · 14/05/2023 07:09

Maybe it ain’t the money. Maybe he just doesn’t want more kids so creating obstacles.

AuContraire · 14/05/2023 07:09

Yes, your logic is correct.

You've left this decision so long, don't waste any more of your precious time with him.

LadyWithLapdog · 14/05/2023 07:18

It doesn’t sound like he’ll change his mind.

reverseferreting · 14/05/2023 07:20

You were strong when you wouldn't marry him, you can be strong now too.

Goatbilly · 14/05/2023 08:20

How old are you now Op? In hindsight, never leave your fertility in someone else's hands but it may not be too late, depends on how old you are and what other options you are willing to consider (donor eggs/donor sperm/embryo donation). Families come in different shapes.

Yellowflowerr · 14/05/2023 08:28

After 5 years where he made his intentions pretty clear why did you stay for another 3 years?! You need to leave and carve the life you deserve.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 14/05/2023 08:47

The sooner you leave, the sooner you can progress with what you want in life; finding someone who wants to have children with you.

Every day with him is a day lost.

Presumably you've been helping him raise his DC whilst he's been denying you one? So he's been happy to have your mothering skills around without you actually being a mother?

Neopolitan · 14/05/2023 08:48

You should have got married first before going on about a baby, do you know how rare it is for a man to offer marriage first? What were you thinking in turning it down?! It does sound to me like you're obsessed with the idea of having a baby more than anything else. You're putting the cart before the horse. I would be worried if I were him that you only wanted the baby, would piss off after and then go him for maintenance.

However - do you know for sure if he ever even had the vasectomy reversed? Where you there/seen report etc? Sometimes the reversals don't work so it's most likely that it's his issue. I would order him to have the tests done on him.

Dacadactyl · 14/05/2023 08:50

YANBU, but you have been naive in the extreme.

You can't blame him, you could always have left him. I would have.

Seaoftroubles · 14/05/2023 08:51

Why have you stayed with him this long? Whatever his reasons he has deliberately created barriers re having a family with you. l don't know what further motivation you need as he is not likely to change after all this time. Just tell him that and move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2023 08:53

Tbh I think if you knew you wanted kids the moment to have left was when he told you he’d surgically removed his fertility. That’s a clear sign a man is done with making more babies. Even if he’d a reversal it might not have worked. Would you have left him if that was the case?

It sounds like a bit of a mess but you need to take some responsibility. If you know motherhood is important you don’t date men who’ve had vasectomies.

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 08:53

I am not sure about the money situation. Or what his exact feelings around the money are. He may just want security or his thoughts are more nefarious. Many people don’t want to have kids with legally joining themselves and would only join legally join themselves to someone who is financially solvent.

However, it’s really obvious he doesn’t want kids. And to be honest, continuing the relationship sounds like a poor decision on your part.

If having kids was a deal breaker for you, you bet in him having the reversal AND it actually working. The stats show that it’s not a given.

He is an arse who has string you along. But you can’t do anything about that. But you need to figure out why you went along with it for so long when kids are so important to you? He might be an arse who lied. But you also accepted it for a long time.

What age are you now?

briansgardenshed · 14/05/2023 08:59

No trust in the relationship. Without marriage a new child threatens his existing DC and if he feels you don't want him other than as a father for your child he may think there'd be a good chance he wouldn't get to be a part in the child's life. There may be cultural, religious or other reasons for wanting to be married before having kids. Plenty of women are told to hold out for it.

You're also not wrong to think that if there's a financial imbalance that he might only be interested in your money. That he wants the marriage for the money and the promise of a baby is just to "hook" you.

It doesn't matter either way - you don't trust each other.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 09:11

You could see that immediately. He wants your money and he wants his children alone to inherit it.

perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2023 09:41

Under nornal circumstances I would be saying marriage first, baby second (financially, the partner who takes the hit in terms of earnings / employability / pension after having children, is protected by marriage, plus I'd want to know someone was committed to me before having a child with them). BUT in your case, neither marriage or a child would be the right thing, as he appears to be most interested in your money.

I would be very suspicision about his offer to reverse the vasectomy - that could just be words.

He appears to be in it for the money, not for you. Please leave him.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 14/05/2023 09:44

@Neopolitan she has done the correct thing - if you are the wealthy one in the relationship you can protect yourself by not getting married. As a women I’d only ever advise getting married if you are the poorer party. Now she can walk away with her finances intact. Otherwise she’d have to give him half her estate and walk away with no baby.

Cakeorchocolate · 14/05/2023 09:45

Sorry you stayed with him this long. It seems like his intentions were clear long ago. LTB.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 14/05/2023 09:48

@sleepnet my work colleague had her first child with unsuitable man but because she really wanted a baby. They separated ages ago but she still has to deal with him coming in and out of their lives. For her second baby she went sperm donor, no regrets, much simpler.

DustyLee123 · 14/05/2023 09:49

I agree, get yourself a sperm donor.

LemonjeIIo · 14/05/2023 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KittyAlfred · 14/05/2023 10:12

Neopolitan · 14/05/2023 08:48

You should have got married first before going on about a baby, do you know how rare it is for a man to offer marriage first? What were you thinking in turning it down?! It does sound to me like you're obsessed with the idea of having a baby more than anything else. You're putting the cart before the horse. I would be worried if I were him that you only wanted the baby, would piss off after and then go him for maintenance.

However - do you know for sure if he ever even had the vasectomy reversed? Where you there/seen report etc? Sometimes the reversals don't work so it's most likely that it's his issue. I would order him to have the tests done on him.

he hasn’t had it reversed, that’s the whole point.
And why on earth would you think she was lucky he wanted to marry her and get half of her inheritance? You have a very very weird view of relationships.

KittyAlfred · 14/05/2023 10:14

He doesn’t want a child and he never will. I’m afraid you’ve wasted 8 years on this man. How old are you?

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2023 10:18

He wants your money. He doesn’t want kids. You were wise not to marry him - don’t waste more time, get the hell out of there!

Swipe left for the next trending thread