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Original poster

Don't like anyone my DH associates with

36 replies

Steakandchipz · 13/05/2023 23:34

My DH is a good man on the whole but seems to be in awe of shit people. He seems dazzled by anyone with money and status and charisma. One of his best friends is a cheating scumbag who complains at having to spend time with his children. His other friends are arrogant and subconsciously mysoginistic in their silly 1980s sexist jokes.

His sister is devious and secretive and clearly expects her brother to pander after her. She's also told lies about me thinking I wouldn't find out and then cowared away when I've confronted her and caused a great deal of trouble between DH and I. His mum is very similar and has tried interferring in our finances and private life and I've had to tell her to back off. She now refuses to speak to me at all and blanks me any time I see her as a result. DH admits she's in the wrong and that she's a real nuisance so he has distanced from her but still hasn't confronted her or stood up to her and I'm still expected to be in her company on occasions which I hate. He also shys away from his sister's behaviour and won't speak about it at all.

He works with all men who are also very arrogant and rude towards women. I was patronised by two of them at the last works party that I accompanied him to. Also making comments about me expecting DH to contribute domestically at weekends and laughing about it.

I've spoken to DH about the shitty sort of people he's clearly become accustomed to associating with and he's taken offence. I have lots of nice, genuine, modest friends and partners that he could make more of an effort with, but he doesn't try, he seems to just chase after these charismatic, toxic types. I think his upbringing has influenced this and the sort of person that raised him, but he doesn't seem to want better people in his life either.

We're at a point where it looks like I'm the problem as I don't want to be around his mum and sister and I don't want to be around his friends or work colleagues. There are many nicer, friendlier, less arrogant men that he works with who he could be associating with but he isn't interested in them. This is causing issues with us as although DH is a good person to me in every other aspect of our lives, he's saying that perhaps the issue is me. It really isn't, these people are just not good people. I've no idea how to encourage him to mix with better people and I fear it will be the end of us. I've made lots of friends through our kids' schooo but he makes zero effort with them or their partners in comparison to these other "friends" who he would drop everything for. Ironically, I'm not sure they would do the same for him!

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 14/05/2023 05:23

So either all of his friends and family are toxic or it’s you, it’s more likely to be than everyone he knows.

even it’s them, as long as you don’t have to meet them, how does it impact on you ? Why do you to decide who his friends are or what type of people he can associate with ?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 14/05/2023 05:30

TLDR. My mother has issues with anyone associated with my father. They just avoid each other. My mother is polite when she has to encounter them but doesn't enjoy it.

Leobynature · 14/05/2023 05:34

You sound a little controlling and unreasonable. You can’t choose his friends for him. At best you can decide not to spend time with these individuals. Why did you feel the need to tell his work colleagues your weekend domestic expectations of your husband.

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 05:48

Either it is you.

Or your DH isn’t the ‘good man’ you think he is. Good people don’t only associate with awful people. We tend to pick people with similar values to us. We might have passing friendships with people who turn out to be less than great. And some of family might not be great.

But it’s really unusual for a ‘good’ man to only associate with awful people.

Not surprised it looks like a it’s you. If dp hated anyone I spent time with, including my family, I would be thinking he was the issue.

pompomdaisy · 14/05/2023 06:06

It may be you ( because it seems to be everyone else that's shit). Or it may be you just haven't found your people. In which case the answer is the same. Leave.

EllandRd · 14/05/2023 06:07

You are the problem OP, there his family and friends, you sound very controlling.

Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 06:09

I think you come across as a bit /somewhat controlling ,with attitude about your husband friends,
his friends could be sexist and other negative toxic traits characters, to them.

However, this and just being married to them does not give you automatic, the right to control who he regards as his friends.

I do get understand your point his childhood could well have been such a negative toxic influence on him,
hence in your opinion, he associates with wrong type

I agree with you that your husband family don't sound good . !

Sound like toxic people,

so obviously want to spend a minimal amount of time with them you can possibly get a way with..

Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 06:13

Oops sorry typo mistake I ment to say him word,
Just being married to him doesn't automatically have the right to be controlling on who you see as being fit to being his friend in his life ect.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 14/05/2023 07:11

You can’t choose his friends and it’s a red flag that you think you should be able to.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/05/2023 07:44

I think you have to accept that although with you your DH is different, these are the people he wants to be like. You may think he's a nice guy, but I suspect he's only nice to you because that was how he won you over.

gannett · 14/05/2023 07:51

It's not that hard to smile politely while internally rolling your eyes, then minimising your contact with a partner's colleagues or friends you don't like.

Less easy with in-laws perhaps but still doable.

I do know people who seem to be in awe of/drawn to charismatic but toxic friends though. I don't have a huge amount of respect for brown-nosers and couldn't be in a relationship with one.

hattie43 · 14/05/2023 07:54

I think his friends and family are awful but I suspect your DH is similar , if not why hang out with people like that especially with poor attitudes to women . People generally have to have things in common to want to spend time with them .

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2023 07:54

I would wonder how you've ended up married but I did this too - married someone who disliked all my family and friends.

There was an element of truth in him disliking some of those friendships, they weren't always the healthiest and they probably did say something about me as a person. Practically speaking it made life joyless and difficult though.

I can't really advise on solutions except the obvious- I left him. What an incredible relief. His nice brother who was one of the few people he would spend time with was professionally disgraced for trying to seduce 16 year olds. Nobody's perfect.

autienotnaughtym · 14/05/2023 08:00

So either every person he's related to, friends with, or works with is the problem. Or your the problem. It's more likely you are the problem. Providing his family aren't rude to you you need to make basic effort even if they are different. Friends you can have different friends if you prefer. What is unreasonable is if you try to isolate him from all his friends and family. Or maybe you need to consider you are incompatible.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 08:02

The way you speak about him is a bit like how a parent speaks about a teenager.

You say all his friends are unsuitable and that other colleagues would be more appropriate for him to spend time with - it's a bit bizarre to me.

He's an adult - he can pick his own friends. It's nothing to do with you. You don't have to like them or spend any time with them - just see your own friends instead. I've never hung out with any of DH's friends and have zero desire to do so - it's not impacted our marriage in any way.

Family is different in that you can't really avoid them forever but you don't have to spend loads of time with them either - just be polite when you do have meet.

Honestly - just focus on your own friendships and leave your DH alone.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/05/2023 08:54

Just avoid situations where you mix with people you don't like. It's pretty simple...

Original poster
Steakandchipz · 14/05/2023 18:51

It's not about being controlling.
Surely posters can see that the issue is that we can not spend time with people outside of ourselves as a couple? He has no interest in any of the well meaning people around us as he seems to find them boring. He likes the exciting, money/status/cheating types. I have seen a couple of red flags in him when he's in their company. Perhaps he is like them afterall and I'm looking at him through rose tinted glasses?

He can of course be friends with whoever he wants to be friends with. The issue is that his people are not my people and my people seemingly aren't his. I'd love us to have couple friends and for his family not to be so callous.

OP posts:
Wakingonsunshine · 14/05/2023 19:13

My ex H is like this. In the end he left me because he said I didn't like his friends and family.
He still has the same awful misogynistic mates. They all love drinking and racist jokes.
It's not you.

Chuffaluffa · 14/05/2023 20:42

yep, agree with the pp above- you’ve not found your people. I went through exactly this and couldn’t understand why my ex husband would choose to spend his time in the pub talking to drunks about drinking, than with me and his children. Worse that every time he spent a night like this he’d come home and complain about how rubbish it was.

regardless of whether it was him or me, it was a significant reason for me leaving him. Particularly as once I got working I found people who I got, and who got me, and the relief was immense.

I suspect your husband isn’t who you think he is, and you have some sense of optimism that you ‘see the person underneath it all and they’re better than that really’. In my experience at least, I’d have been better off accepting that he wasn’t better than it at all much earlier on.

5128gap · 14/05/2023 21:21

He's a very weak man, surrounding himself with strong and overbearing character types because he's attracted to what he lacks. Everyone in his life seems able to push, pull and influence him, including you (albeit you seem to have his better interests at heart) and this is really not good for him. If you love him and are committed to him, don't focus on trying to pull him in the direction you want him in, instead try and encourage him to grow a backbone, think for himself and be true to his own preferences and values.

AgentJohnson · 14/05/2023 22:42

You either have to learn to separate your H from his dodgy mates and tedious family, or accept that he prefers these people. I can only imagine the bs he spouts when you’re not in earshot. I would find it really difficult to respect someone like your H, aka Mr ‘makes all the right noises’ in private but is a desperate puppy in public.

Theypickedhim · 15/05/2023 04:22

The people he wants to be friends with sound narcissistic. It’s worth finding out more about it. Dr Ramani YouTube is a good place to start.

He’s either also narcissistic (maybe covert? But nothing you have said suggests that to me) or codependent - that’s the personality type that gravitates towards narcissists

evuscha · 15/05/2023 04:45

I don’t think it’s you, or that you’re controlling or unreasonable, I’ve come across these seemingly good people who are obsessed with the charismatic toxic types and find “normal people” boring. The trouble is they kind of morph into them in their company and join in their toxic bullshit and sexist/racist jokes, so are they in fact good people? How does he behave in their company? (and that’s probably just a fraction of what he says to them when you’re not around)
I don’t know what to do though because he won’t suddenly change his preferences, he will keep hearing from his mates how boring you are, he will keep listening to his family (he doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with them so the chances of him ever standing up to them are zero) and over time he definitely will see you as the issue. Not them and definitely not himself.

Ragwort · 15/05/2023 04:55

I think you need to accept that you just don't have 'couple friends' with your DH, I have been married a long time but we don't share friends ... well, there is one couple that we do get on very well with but they live on the other side of the world.

I (personally, appreciate not everyone feels like this) find 'couple friendships' rather cloying, I have a wide circle of friends - as does my DH - but we don't need to go out in gangs or socialise together.

You can't make your DH change his friends or family or find 'nicer' friends .. if you really can't accept the situation then you will have to make plans to separate.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 15/05/2023 05:24

My DH has a knob BFF whom he's known since school. I just avoid the BFF.