Don't like anyone my DH associates with

[Steakandchipz]

My DH is a good man on the whole but seems to be in awe of shit people. He seems dazzled by anyone with money and status and charisma. One of his best friends is a cheating scumbag who complains at having to spend time with his children. His other friends are arrogant and subconsciously mysoginistic in their silly 1980s sexist jokes.

His sister is devious and secretive and clearly expects her brother to pander after her. She's also told lies about me thinking I wouldn't find out and then cowared away when I've confronted her and caused a great deal of trouble between DH and I. His mum is very similar and has tried interferring in our finances and private life and I've had to tell her to back off. She now refuses to speak to me at all and blanks me any time I see her as a result. DH admits she's in the wrong and that she's a real nuisance so he has distanced from her but still hasn't confronted her or stood up to her and I'm still expected to be in her company on occasions which I hate. He also shys away from his sister's behaviour and won't speak about it at all.

He works with all men who are also very arrogant and rude towards women. I was patronised by two of them at the last works party that I accompanied him to. Also making comments about me expecting DH to contribute domestically at weekends and laughing about it.

I've spoken to DH about the shitty sort of people he's clearly become accustomed to associating with and he's taken offence. I have lots of nice, genuine, modest friends and partners that he could make more of an effort with, but he doesn't try, he seems to just chase after these charismatic, toxic types. I think his upbringing has influenced this and the sort of person that raised him, but he doesn't seem to want better people in his life either.

We're at a point where it looks like I'm the problem as I don't want to be around his mum and sister and I don't want to be around his friends or work colleagues. There are many nicer, friendlier, less arrogant men that he works with who he could be associating with but he isn't interested in them. This is causing issues with us as although DH is a good person to me in every other aspect of our lives, he's saying that perhaps the issue is me. It really isn't, these people are just not good people. I've no idea how to encourage him to mix with better people and I fear it will be the end of us. I've made lots of friends through our kids' schooo but he makes zero effort with them or their partners in comparison to these other "friends" who he would drop everything for. Ironically, I'm not sure they would do the same for him!

"A man is known by the company he keeps" - Aesop, and multiple other thinkers in the millennia since. We choose friends who reflect ourselves in important ways.

Very odd that so many replies have said "it's you" - obviously it is, you don't like his friends! He doesn't like yours either, so it's also him. Sadly, however, you can't change him and you certainly shouldn't change your own friendships or let them lapse because of his derision.

It is quite possible you're seeing him in an overly positive light. Sorry! I hope you're right about him. I hope, too, that you'll keep your friends close because you need spaces where you can be yourself.

It looks like you're stuck with spending half your social time with his mates, being as humorously tolerant as possible, and the other half with your people and without him. If it does all go pear-shaped, you'll be glad of your friends.

The only people impressed by charismatic misogynists are other misogynists.

Don't like anyone my DH associates with
He has no interest in any of the well meaning people around us as he seems to find them boring. He likes the exciting, money /status /cheating types.

He associates with you.

I spend time with my friends, DP spends time with his. We go out together quite often. Occasionally my friends and his are at same place then we'll all socialise to an extent. But not generally. I can't stand his brother, and 1 of his good friends. They don't like me either. It doesnt matter to me though, why should I care? I just avoid. You sound as if you look down on your husband OP. Yet you've said he's a good man on the whole. Is that not enough for you?

& you must've known your post would attract scorn of him. Do you really feel good reading the character assassination? Once the respect for him has gone your relationship is dead in the water anyway so have a think about whether this is the lifepartner you want. You do come across a bit Hyacinth Bucket tho. If he's a decent man to you then maybe focus on his good points and stop worrying about his friends. Probably best if the 2 of you dont discuss his friends in any depth.

Don't get why you're getting a hard time. No way would I be with a man who liked having shitty people as friends. He admires them

But don't try to change him. Just leave for someone who is like your friends partners

Judge people by the acts they do and the company they keep. Maybe your DH is just the same as them? Did you not notice this before you got married?

You're incompatible. To be honest, I'm also not convinced your DH is as nice a man as you think he is. He's either impressed by or, probably more likely, thinks like his misogynist friends. People tend to hang around friends that have similar outlooks.

I think you're in a difficult position but it wouldn't be the first time that someone has married a man they thought was someone different. I'm sorry.

Do you perhaps have some blindness regarding your DH? He likes being with them, so indicates he likes their jokes and comments, and at least doesn't mind them. Perhaps your DH could actually be as sexist as them? He might do stuff at the weekend, but do you have to badger him for it? Sometimes you can judge a person by the friends they keep, if he's not seeing their failings, perhaps his upbringing has had as more of an effect on him than you realise?

He is the beta male surrounding himself by alpha males. Do you have children together? To be honest all I could think reading your post was that I would get the hell away from him.

Another here in the same boat as @Wakingonsunshine unfortunately.

He is likely to leave you if you push this.
My ex was like this and some of his mates are awful. (Some aren't) Don't get me started on his family.
He left me in the end. I can see my part in this but I maintain I was right in my judgement of these people. I still ended up with a broken marriage though and not likely to meet anyone else now (late.40s)

He’s either also narcissistic (maybe covert? But nothing you have said suggests that to me) or codependent - that’s the personality type that gravitates towards narcissists

I was going to say this. I was recently seeing a guy who was exactly like your dh. He seemed like a lovely guy but all his friends/colleagues were misogynistic wankers. Apparently all hated their wives and kids and slept with prostitutes/took drugs etc. He told me he’d separated from his wife (and she was “mentally ill” and hadn’t slept with him for 3 years amongst other things)

Very long story short - he turned out to be a total covert narc and was actually still very much married and together with his oblivious wife. A pathological liar who was impressed by money/wealth/status/flashy types and gravitated towards those kind of people. He would tell me all the bad stuff about them in a kind of sheepish “I love em but they’re wankers” kind of way.

The irony was that he was the biggest scumbag of them all. I still don’t even know quite who he was tbh - but he certainly wasn’t the person he pretended to be to me. I realised afterwards he had loved showing me off in front of his mates as they’ll have thought he was the big man shagging two women. He openly flaunted me in front of them even though they knew he was married.

Im not saying he’s got another woman on the go of course but the way you describe him is chillingly similar.

Id be very wary op - the company a person keeps is very telling of who they really are. I bet if you were a fly on the wall when he’s with his mates you’d see he’s not the man you think he is.