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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting married this year but need to leave the relationship.

28 replies

MamaBear9420 · 13/05/2023 21:37

So long story short, he cheated on me (not sexually) when I had given birth so for the first 2 months of baby’s life when I suffered from Ppd he would be out all hours of the night then get mad at me for questioning it and calling me a nag. And the month up to my birth he verbally and emotionally abused me when I questioned him about girls made me sit there and agree to being good for nothing and useless. I would cry in corners and hope to die it was the worst time of my life I was so weak I let him do this to me and then when I caught him cheating he stopped everything and begged for forgiveness and me being a fool agreed and then we’ve had issues recently where his downloading his ex’s old texts which he said were because I told him I don’t feel loved and she made him feel loved so he was looking for ways to show me how etc and last night he said to me if it was for my personality he would leave me but it’s my looks as if he left and got horny he would always think of me. But then he says things like he loves me, cares for me and tbf he shows it too but it’s the remarks in between. I’ve been so weak, I did turn down the marriage but his been mentioning it and I ended up agreeing like again a fool. Although I had told him I wasn’t ready, now he is saying we will get married this year. I know I need to leave this relationship especially after the comment he made yesterday but how do I do this? I’ve finally seen it for what it is and I know it’s late but please don’t be mean. But it’s so hard to leave a relationship in which the other person is SOOOOO good with words that you end up staying I’ve tried so many times but his that good at words I end up staying. And our LO loves having 2 parents in one house and has a great relationship with him and the guilt of breaking the family eats me up.. how do I end it and make sure I don’t go back he really gets in my head I don’t know how to do it and what to say I get so nervous speaking to him I shut down.

OP posts:

Yellowflowerr · 13/05/2023 21:51

Did you make another post about this earlier today? Is this a follow up or new post with more info? Because I definitely remember the bit about the personality and the horny comment (gross).

bottom line he is a loser and you definitely need to leave him. You will lose all your confidence and self respect if you stay and you deserve better.

MacarenaMacarena · 13/05/2023 21:53

This doesn't seem like a wise time to get married...
Perhaps suggest some couple counselling (if he cares, he'll agree). Or at least some assertiveness training for you.
You need to stand up for yourself, sensibly and calmly so he can't gaslight you and say you're being unreasonable.
But get your ducks in a row.

Original poster

MamaBear9420 · 13/05/2023 21:55

I made a post earlier, that was me. This is me jus shedding more light on the situation and getting a reality check and seeing I need to leave. It’s so hard when someone is so manipulative and coercive. So good with his words I end up apologising and looking like the one with issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaBear9420 · 13/05/2023 21:57

I think I just need to leave. Today I was having a convo with him and was talking about my mom about how my step dad ruled her life and she had to do everything by him and his response with a smile was “like I do with you” and I said I never wanted to turn out like my mom and he said well you have

OP posts:

SaturdayGiraffe · 13/05/2023 21:57

He won’t change.

WhiteClover · 13/05/2023 22:03

Hello. Don't feel bad about the situation. I think you're probably a kind, generous person. Don't let him take advantage. It's time to be kind to yourself x

Ilovetea42 · 13/05/2023 22:05

You can go to womens aid for support since he is abusive. Gaslighting and coercive control basically work so well because they confuse you and make you question yourself so much that it becomes really hard to see what's actually happening and make decisions. I'm taking it from your post lo is 2 months old? Are you still seeing your health visitor, if so I'd tell them what's happening and ask for their support to help you to leave. They'd be able to get you a place in refuge with your little one so you have space to clear your head, other women in similar situations to get support from and workers to help you sort out what's been happening and what YOU actually want going forward. Then they'll help you make that happen. Understanding that this is not what you deserve, that he's doing it on purpose because he can and that this is his responsibility not anything you've done will help you see what's really happening. That will make it easier not to go back to him although it'll be hard initially. You will find out that you're stronger than he made you believe though.

And he might be a great dad to your dd - I'd suggest that leaving her mum crying in a corner and gaslighting her doesn't make a good dad- but being a great dad doesn't mean he's a good partner to you. And your lo will love seeing you happy more than you miserable with him. You're not depriving her of anything. You're showing her that this is what you do when someone abuses you- you stand tall and you leave. Staying with him and allowing her to grow up watching him treat you this way will teach her that this is what she should expect from relationships. Plus- you're not depriving her from a happy family ... he is. This is on him.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 22:11

Please spare your child the damage of witnessing such a fucked-up, toxic relationship. Get out and do a lot of work on yourself before entering another one.

tailinthejam · 13/05/2023 22:16

MamaBear9420 · 13/05/2023 21:57

In one way he's right about you turning out like your mum. You have both ended up trapped in a horribly abusive relationship with a despicable man.

ShowUs · 13/05/2023 22:23

But then he says things like he loves me, cares for me and tbf he shows it too

How does he show you?

It sounds like he’s only with you into he finds someone better.

Stop being treated like a mug.
He doesn’t love you and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you.
You are just there for sex and security but if someone better gave him some attention he wouldn’t think twice about cheating or leaving you.

Just think about the impact this will have on your child.

Life is too short to be in a one sided relationship.
You need to find someone who wants to be with you and doesn’t play games.

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 22:25

Your poor baby, her father is utter scum.

Don't marry him.

Tayegete · 13/05/2023 22:27

You know you need to leave. There is no coming back from what he said in your last post. Work through a plan of what you need to put in place to leave and put it in action.

JetBlackSteed · 13/05/2023 22:40

Contact Women's Aid. Do not marry him.

2bazookas · 13/05/2023 22:44

Don't discuss it with him, then he can't persuade you.

Plan where you're going to go (family, friend, refuge), wait till he's out of the house, leave a note take the child and leave. Block him on your phone.

Original poster

MamaBear9420 · 13/05/2023 22:46

I defo need to leave. It’s so scary to even have a conversation with him, I avoid them I know if I have a convo around leaving him he will manipulate me into staying its such a shit situation. I spoke to womens aid back when I was pregnant and he was abusing me and they told me they couldn’t help me or house me as I have a job even if I’m on maternity leave they refused to help me and told me they wish me all the best, I turned to my midwife, my HV everyone gave me contacts and passed me from person to person and no one helped me which was why in the end I just stayed I felt like there was no hope for me and nowhere for me to go and no one was there for me to help me so I had no faith left in anyone and with nowhere to go on maternity pay I stayed and it got so bad he pretty much controls how I think our baby is now 10 months and I finally want some control back in my life and since no one helped me I know I’ll have to do it alone I just don’t know how? I mean I am going back to work next month so will be back to being financially stable as he pays the rent rn. Only issue is the place is on my name so I can’t just leave and leave him here

OP posts:

Findyourneutralspace · 13/05/2023 22:52

Definitely don’t get married. I think we get tied up in the idea of having a nuclear family but my experience is that if you can make it work, children get along just fine with two houses. Mine do. Don’t let that be a reason to stay and be mistreated.

Moonchild79 · 13/05/2023 22:58

Might be a useful link in terms of support - https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
Contact Shelter re: your tenancy and Local Authority for housing advice, they have a duty of care re: domestic abuse

Domestic abuse: how to get help

Find out how to get help if you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

firsttimemumggg · 13/05/2023 23:12

Well you aren't getting married

MacarenaMacarena · 13/05/2023 23:54

As you're renting and the rental home is in your name, ask citizen's advice about how to hand in your notice or how to require him to leave. If he is not on the rental contract, surely he has no right to reside there. Your landlord could evict you anyway for letting someone move in.
You need to stop waiting for agencies to somehow rescue you - you need to make a decision to get out, and make it happen. It really is up to you.

Livinghappy · 14/05/2023 00:19

Sweetheart you will find a way to leave this man as you don't want your son to turn out like him. I left when I realised my Ex was trying to impact my relationship with the dc as he was envious that they were close to me. These men are weak insecure people who feel powerful by bullying and controlling their partners. They don't change, indeed they get worse after marriage as feel you have been trapped.

Start a journal of all the things he has done, however keep it safe so he doesn't find it. It will help to counter the gaslighting

You need a plan...one step at a time. Can you research benefits so you can work out finances. Do you have anyone you cam confide in?

sleepawake · 14/05/2023 00:28

do not marry this man.
he is manipulative and has an agenda.
he is offending you and your intelligence.
look deeper into your situation why else would he want to stay with you other than horny - do you come from a wealthy family, do you own any properties, do you have privileged background, do you have inheritance prospects?
army in other ways an attractive proposition?
men do not stay in a relationship because a woman makes them horny. porn makes them horny, other women do.
often it is money. manipulators are crafty.

AgentJohnson · 14/05/2023 05:53

You do not need a discussion and you do not need his permission. We’re done, is a complete sentence.

He doesn’t have the power you think he does, the issue is you don’t think your worth more.

autienotnaughtym · 14/05/2023 07:54

He will not change
He will say he will change but ultimately he won't because you stay with him when he's like this so he doesn't need to change
Your child will pick up on the relationship and it will impact their view of what relationships look like (if you stay together)

The best thing you could do for you and your child is leave.

Jibo · 14/05/2023 08:11

Do it now. At 10 months your baby will never remember or know the difference. They don't love having two parents in one house, they are far too young to think that way.

perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2023 08:11

You don't need to discuss it with him. You don't need him to agree.

You know it's the right thing to do. He doesn't show you love. He's abusing you. He's actually taking joy in making you suffer. He says vile things to you. Lets you know he doesn't really want to be with you. He controls you. He's not a good father. A good father wouldn't be so abusive towards their child's mother. He is chipping away at you until you don't know your own mind and will be a shell of your former self. How will you be a good mum in that situation?

If you want to do what's best for your child, you need to leave him.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Please keep talking on here too, but it would help if you could start telling friends / family who can support you and give you practical help in leaving.

One other thing... you talked about previously, when you reached out to various agencies and felt they let you down in not supporting you leaving. It's a shame if they didn't help you, but ultimately only you can decide if you are leaving him. Imagine how being let down felt, and now imagine that's your child being let down if they are forced to stay in a home where dad abuses mum.

I wish you all the best. You and your child deserve so much more than this vile man gives.

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