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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried

36 replies

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 19:18

I have been married 4 years, together 8years, we are very happy in our relationship.

Due to my past I find it hard to trust, I check phones etc, to which my husband is happy for me to do so..

Over the past 12/18 months I have found sexy videos from tictok (following them etc) and caught him watching once too. Confronting he apologised and deleted tictok.

Then I find emails from women offering meet ups etc (could be pop ups /scams etc). He doesn't know how or why he gets, or does he?

Lastly a woman on Fb sent him a picture of her private parts. It broke me he was adamant he didn't know why and again deleted FB off his phone (though sometimes logs in to see what's, going on etc with friends family)

I struggle to let it go in my head, I don't say much, sometimes I make remarks to him seeing someone etc and he's so convincing(sincere) it's hard to think he would be unfaithful..

Also we havnt made love since Christmas of 2021,we were alway very close and tactile but we've drifted emotionally and physically, I feel its my doing as I can't get all these things out of me head..
If I ask him he says he doesn't know why they were on his phone and that he only wants me etc,

I know this message seems all over the place, that's how my head is over it all, I feel I need an outsider to tell me what they think..

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/05/2023 19:21

Why aren't you having sex? He's probably frustrated.

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 19:26

Believe me that's not my choice, it just became less frequent to nothing

OP posts:
LiliLil · 13/05/2023 19:57

A woman sent him pictures of her private parts?

Whataretalkingabout · 13/05/2023 20:12

Worrying won't help or get you anywhere. You probably need to have a serious discussion with your DH when you are both calm fed and rested and try to talk about whatever is going on between the two of you and your feelings. Don't blame or criticize, but state how you feel and ask him.

Do you keep a journal ? Journaling about your thoughts beforehand to get your head clear and help you get your thoughts straight could be helpful.

PollyAmour · 13/05/2023 20:14

You need to talk to him. No sex since 2021?

ICMB · 13/05/2023 20:15

I think this could all be about the ‘not sleeping with him for a year and a half’ thing. Seems like the root of your problem to me

Pixiedust1234 · 13/05/2023 20:18

He's having an awful lot of coincidences when most men won't even have one of these incidents. Funny that.

You need to have a proper talk with him. However do you think you can cope with a sex less marriage? If not then its time to leave.

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:19

Yes she the picture on messenger from FB... He blocked her.. I messaged her from my FB but she's not replied!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:23

I did speak of lack of sex at the start but he made up excuses so I gave up asking/trying.. I love him so much and he me(well l I think so)..
We are close just something is amiss and I don't know what!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:25

Pixie this is how I feel too,
I used to crave him for sex but as time has gone on I have switched off 😔

OP posts:
Throwawayme · 13/05/2023 20:31

It'd absolutely do my head in if someone was checking my devices, emails Facebook etc. I'd not care of they found it hard to trust. Its too much. Regarding the emails for hook ups etc, I sometimes find these in my spam folder. They're just junk mail. Are you checking his spam folder also? Agree that the year and a half no sex probably has him frustrated and he's looking at porn.

Twerpsichore · 13/05/2023 20:34

Re the messages- do you mean the sort of spam email that everyone gets or are they personal messages?

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2023 20:39

He might claim to not know why they're on his phone but I do...

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:40

I can't help but look, its wrong I know but he has always let me, I don't do it all the time and have stopped since the FB pic tbh as I don't want to know anymore!
I don't know if 'what everyone gets' emails as I certainly don't..
I was so frustrated but just switched off rather than get hurt.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 13/05/2023 20:44

I love him so much but we haven't had sex for 2 years doesn't really fit. Just split up and go your own ways. This is not love. This is being in love with the idea of being in love.

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:44

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2023 20:39

He might claim to not know why they're on his phone but I do...

GC, Which is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 24/11/2023 20:21

Still the same, no sex (his doing) but back looking at porn and back on Facebook, guess there's nothing more I can do... He's made it clear in his actions he doesn't want me,
I'll always love him so it's hard

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 25/11/2023 10:10

I'm sorry nothing has changed, OP💐 I think routinely checking his phone is making you miserable and him irritated (I would hate it) and he has obviously now given up trying to hide what he is doing. I couldn't live like this in either of your positions.

GreyCarpet · 25/11/2023 18:02

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 13/05/2023 20:44

GC, Which is?

Show quote history

I missed this question when you posted it.

They're there because he has engaged with women, websites, videos whatever. Those things just don't appear on your phone.

My bf and I both get scam emails. There are loads of beautiful Ukrainian women after my dick and discreet sex according to my emails 🤷🏻‍♀️

But there are no videos on my phone that I haven't intentionally downloaded or received from other people I know. And ther are certainly no photos of body parts that I can't explain.

Epidote · 25/11/2023 21:49

OP, re read your first post like if I wrote and think about what would you advice to me if I were in that situation.
Can you trust him? I don't think so. Can you stay with someone that doesn't like/love you? Yes, you can but that would be very unhealthy and you will be very unhappy.

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 25/11/2023 23:28

No I can't trust but doesn't stop me still loving.. I don't go through his phone anymore, once I saw the Facebook picture I haven't bothered as I now know what's what, I was borrowing his phone to Google a question and his search history showed porn hub and Facebook both things he said he'd stopped doing 🙈
I'm guessing our relationship is pretty much dead, but it's hard as I really thought we had the 'perfect relationship' and that's what's so sad....
Oh well life I guess

Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2023 23:54

Honestly, I think your issues and paranoia are enough to kill any relationship. I'm not saying your husband is totally innocent, but after years of having his phone searched, and constant inquisitions about every single fucking thing he's doing, no sex for ages, would be enough for lots of people to check out and disengage. You think your "past" gives you a free pass to invade your husband's privacy. It doesn't.

Your marriage is toxic, and you don't have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. End it and get help to enable you to find happiness.

Original poster
Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 26/11/2023 01:17

I didn't check his phone constantly etc nor was I the one who stopped the sex.
I do think you're a little harsh but appreciate your comment

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 26/11/2023 16:17

Sorry OP but l think you know that this relationship is dead in the water. The evidence is there, and the fact he is uninterested in an intimate relationship shows he's already moved on. Also all of this checking up on him due to your past issues shows that you need counselling to help you deal with your trust issues. That would be my first step, plus accepting the marriage is over.

kate1996 · 26/11/2023 16:26

You sound a lot like me. I get paranoid and find it hard to trust aswell but honestly reading this I feel like he's done everything to try and prove to you he's faithful. To me it looks like he's using it as porn and let's be honest here... All men watch it and use it. Its probably just something he's pleasuring himself over in secret, as for the fb message I've had random inboxes of mens private parts I've not asked for from men I've never even had a conversation with so it's possible it's just someone promoting their only fans or something. Please don't worry
If he was cheating or something there's no way you'd know the pin to his phone or be able go check it whenever xxx