Forgiving someone for years of abuse ?

[CanitBeforgiven]

Is this even possible ?

It’s a complicated situation where the abuse wasn’t constant, it was regular , daily but probably 80% of the time was awful and 20% they acted nicely so very confusing.

with age they’ve become nicer , make a huge effort and seem to genuinely love grandchildren but we’re the most horrific parent (physical and emotional abuse)

can people change ? Is it even possible to genuinely forgive someone

I wouldn't want to forgive someone like that and I wouldn't dream of allowing them access to my children.

I wouldn't want any sort of contact.

I would get on with my life without them i it.

No it’s not possible to completely forgive. Ever.
accept them yes
do they acknowledge their abuse? Without blaming you?

Difficult to tell from the post
Did they have MH issues?
Have they recognised what they did?
Have they changed their approach to life?

I am sometimes stunned by my parents and how much they have relaxed / entered the 21st century
I do not condone abuse but without more examples it’s difficult to tell
I do think people can change - but they also need to acknowledge the harm that was done

I don’t think people change that much!

Currently they don’t have access but keep calling to ask to see them and say they miss them etc etc, and seem to be really upset that they have hardly ever seen them but it’s because I’ve not been able to put myself in that position

Would they acknowledge the abuse, apologise and attend family counselling to help you heal?

MH issues maybe - some of the behaviour was so bad that there must be something wrong

Sort of recognition but more in the sense of saying ‘well I was trying my best’ and ‘you’re overreacting’ or for the worse incidents saying ‘oh you’ll never let me forget will you ?’

I keep seeing how forgiveness helps to move on but I’m struggling as not sure I can because I lost the majority of my childhood , all of my teen years and have ptsd. What makes me so confused is how the awful things were broken up by niceness so for example I could be humiliated and have restricted access to food and water for a set time yet the next day I could be spoken to beautifully , given treats etc and it confused me so much I kept thinking well maybes she’s sorry but the cycle would repeat

Why as well has my mind ALWAYS pushed the ‘nice’ times to the front so although horrendous things happened to me I have all these good memories too ? I was awfully abused it was horrendous but more than that I have the times where I was given a toy or sweets or a nice Xmas and then I don’t know how to feel. It made me feel so unstable and anxious growing up I was living for those nice times and as I said it was 80% awful and 20% nice was that deliberate to keep me on my toes.

Forgiveness is entirely unnecessary for healing.

I think I needed to hear that because I’m finding it impossible to work out where to even start

Don't get sucked back in OP. You're still hoping and craving for a safe, loving relationship. Just as you did as a child. But it doesn't exist . It's really normal when you've been abused.
I'd urge you to protect yourself. Have you had therapy? Because I think it would be a really good idea.. Someone who abuses a child can never be trusted.
Forgiveness is neither necessary or desirable in this case and won't help.
Block them completely or they'll just keep messing with your head aand hurting you more and more.

While I tend to feel that people don't, on the whole, change, the question I would trip over would be 'if they can change, then why did they put their partner though all that abuse?'

Of course, there would have been good times but no one would stay if it was 100% abuse. I think the fact that they can control themselves just enough to allow sufficient good times to keep the relationship going, is another sign that they could stop the abuse if they wanted to but they just don't want to stop.

You don't need to forgive them. Forgiveness is something people often encourage because it makes it look like the problem has gone away. So it makes other people feel better.
As a pp said, forgiveness isn't necessary for you to heal. Your parents don't sound the slightest bit remorseful - they're justifying their behaviour - so they haven't earned forgiveness. In your shoes I'd just focus on protecting your children from being influenced by them in any way. Your parents threw away their chance of a good relationship with your children when they treated you the way they did. That was their doing, not yours.

We place so much on forgiveness when it comes to our own healing we forget it's actually pretty damn irrelevant to us.
It's for them we forgive.
And somethings aren't forgivable.
You see parents of murdered children who have to forgive the person who took their child to move on. That's commendable but I'd not forgive someone for forgetting to feed my goldfish.
We don't need to feel anything towards our abusers, not indifference or anger make a difference because the person who's affected is you.

Instead of thinking about forgiving them, think about what you deserve now.

My father was cruel physically, mentally and sexually towards me, but was desperate to have some form on inclusion as a grandparent.
I tried, on a mission to "move on", but the reality was I couldn't get past the fear and hatred I had of him, even when I struggled to justify taking someone out my DCs lives who loved them.

Your abuser may have changed the way they've abused you, but they're still doing it with showing no accountability or sincere apology for the years they spent damaging you.

I'm extremely hopeful you don't apply pressure on yourself to forgive, push your own boundaries or allow the years of trauma you've endured to make this decision for you.

You are a wonderful parent and you've broken cycles that some people truly can't.

When you think about how you should feel about past situations remember that the 20% kindness shown to you was also abuse. Nothing came from a place of wanting to ensure you felt safe, loved, happy. It was done to diminish their own guilt and leave you confused and gaslit.

You absolutely don't owe anyone forgiveness.
You owe your own poor mind some peace and if you feel that your abuser in your life won't bring that, then you owe yourself to be free from them.

Do not let them continue to minimise what you endured.

I will never forgive my abuser as he made my life hell in the time he was abusing me, even the "good times" were spent with me waiting for the next kick off.
I am happy I am now free and my life is peaceful.
He has acknowledged his behaviour and we still have contact due to family ties, I think he has changed but that is probably due to the dynamics changing - I'm not scared of him anymore so he has no control over me.

You don't owe anyone anything and regardless of their reasons (excuses), how you were treated still remains.
It's a very personal journey and no two people deal with the hangover of abuse the same or have the same feelings.

OP don't be fooled by this.

People like that don't change and age does not turn you into a better person.

You are just being manipulated...

I always think that this quote from M Angelou is something to live by: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Someone who is twisted to abuse their child on and off is not the type of person you ever want in your life.

This is very important to realise.

OP, you were obviously very very seriously abused growing up.

I cannot see any advantage to you or your children in being involved.

Your absolute 100% priority is yourself.

To keep yourself as well as possible so that you can be the best mother you can be so that this does not continue into the next generation.

Forcing yourself to be in the presence of someone who terrorised you growing up 80% of the time is not in your best interests.

Mental health is a fragile thing.
You have suffered terribly and now you are trying to force yourself to heal and forgive her.

Nope.

You do not owe her forgiveness, nor contact with you or your children.

Your children deserve a happy well mum, and your best chance of that is to never see this woman again.

Get some counselling for yourself.

Perhaps in the future you may revisit your decision, who knows.

But from what you have described, very very serious child abuse, there is no way I would have her near my children.

Stop pushing yourself to forgive.
There is no deadline.

You can explore the best type of healing for you and what that might look like, but you do not owe her a part of your life.

You do owe your children that you be well and look after yourself.

To me, forgiveness is just 'letting a person go' and not allowing the hurt of what they did to poison your life or make you bitter. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to think happy thoughts about the person or even have them in your life. So if you don't want this person in your life, you don't have to have them there! You can forgive and never see the person again, if that's what is best for you.

Absolutely do not get sucked back in, nothing will change. You know that it is a cycle, and what is happening now is hoovering, trying to pull you back into a relationship, which would quickly become abusive again.

You are doing the right thing, keeping boundaries in place.

I think that what you need to aim for is acceptance. Acceptance that it was not your fault. Acceptance that you cannot change them. Acceptance that it is fine to walk away and stay away.

What percentage do you believe is worth the risk? Even 20/80 wouldn't be worth it!

Children are by nature dependent and vulnerable and will always hang on to the hope that their parents will one day accept and love them because they cannot survive without them--even if they have been neglected or abused. Adult survivors of childhood neglect or abuse often continue having the same hopes all their lives and have difficulty accepting the reality ( called cognitive dissonance) that their parents or care givers have not or cannot change. So they keep on believing and hoping for more than breadcrumbs of a relationship.

Do not let your parents near your children. You should not put your children at risk and you also risk being retraumatized yourself. Your parents are abusers and are not worthy to know your children.

"Acceptance that it was not your fault. Acceptance that you cannot change them. Acceptance that it is fine to walk away and stay away."

That is a perfect little mindful chant @Todayiamlexie for the OP to say to herself.

Acceptance is the holy grail of a painful past.

When people talk about forgiving in order to heal they really mean letting go of the pain and anger which can eat you up They don't mean sweep it under the carpet and act like it never happened. You can forgive while still protecting yourself from ever allowing them to hurt you again.

I've forgiven my parents for the abuse I suffered as a child, but I still have no contact with them. And hell would freeze over before they'd get to see my children. But I have peace in myself.

This summed things up for me.

They can’t respect your boundaries right now and they are at a distance. Imagine if they were involved in your life?

It’s a no from me.

From your posts - no.

sometimes they play the card of changed - but the words ‘you are over reacting’ screams red flags or ‘ I did my best’ - do you really want someone whose best was abuse. Keep them away

go no contact and protect the children

they will try to turn them - mine did and they threw money at them but fortunately mine didn’t go for it

I keep seeing how forgiveness helps to move on but I’m struggling as not sure I can because I lost the majority of my childhood , all of my teen years and have ptsd. What makes me so confused is how the awful things were broken up by niceness so for example I could be humiliated and have restricted access to food and water for a set time yet the next day I could be spoken to beautifully , given treats etc and it confused me so much I kept thinking well maybes she’s sorry but the cycle would repeat

I think you are mixing up forgiveness with reconciliation. Forgiveness is like letting go. As you say, it helps you to move on. I disagree with other posters who have said that forgiveness is for the other person, I think it can be just for you. But you don't have to reconcile with them in order to forgive them. You can forgive them and never see them again. You can forgive them and maintain strong boundaries to protect your children and yourself. You can forgive them whilst recognising they are abusive.

What you are describing with the 80/20 pattern is known as the cycle of abuse. It is extremely common - is is vanishingly rare for abusers to behave abusively all the time. It doesn't mean she was sorry. It's a form of control. Have you had any therapy with a therapist who has experience of abusive parents?

Currently they don’t have access but keep calling to ask to see them and say they miss them etc etc, and seem to be really upset that they have hardly ever seen them but it’s because I’ve not been able to put myself in that position

Block their calls. You don't have to allow your abusers contact with your children. Or with yourself. You are doing the right thing to protect your children and keep them away from them.