Forgiving someone for years of abuse ?

[CanitBeforgiven]

Is this even possible ?

It’s a complicated situation where the abuse wasn’t constant, it was regular , daily but probably 80% of the time was awful and 20% they acted nicely so very confusing.

with age they’ve become nicer , make a huge effort and seem to genuinely love grandchildren but we’re the most horrific parent (physical and emotional abuse)

can people change ? Is it even possible to genuinely forgive someone

I think as a very young child just wanting to survive I told myself that the nice 20% was my ‘real’ mum as I think if I’d accepted then that the reality was that the 80% of the time absolutely vile abusive mother was her real self it would have destroyed me as all I wanted was a loving mum so my mind focused so hard on the nice times but I know they weren’t real 😞 in fact it seems like it was a cruel trick to make me unsure so that when she said it was my perception of things rather than her actions I would believe it and doubt myself rather than see the truth.

She used to be so cruel and if I broke and got upset I’d cry that she was bullying me she would shout at me that nobody can make another person feel bad unless they let them - so it was just me being weak not her bullying me.

If I stood up to her she would suddenly cry out and drop to the ground , screaming that I was scaring her and immediately act like the victim.

It’s just the times she was nice she was SO nice. No in between I was treated like shit and felt detested for 80% of the time and treated like a princess for 20% of the time so the crash back down each time when she reverted was traumatic but part of me always hoped one day the move but would just stay and it wouldn’t go back but it always did.
I’ve been very very low contact for a few years now but she’s not been well , someone had said about moving on and forgiving and I know this is probably my last chance and part of me wants to go back for the familiarity , the family home I grew up in , you’d think it would be bad memories and it is but it’s also those really good memories that my poor childhood mind made into something so special that the hood memories could blank out all the bad ones 😞

I won’t reconcile with her, I know deep down I can’t forgive her but i just feel so lost

I wouldn't forgive that not expose my children to the warped mind that is still trying to dump the blame on the child they abused....you...it sounds like they are still trying to exert pressure on you walk away

I think it’s been hard for me to separate the personalities she has. There’s the nasty cruel abusive person , the ultra nice and the victim. I know which is the real one but she is so convincing as nice and/or victim that I start to almost believe it. I think I was so young when it started that it was my minds way of protecting me to believe she didn’t mean it. The reality for a child to accept their own mum didn’t love them was probably too much to cope with.

I feel like I’m just grieving a person who doesn’t exist , the nice mum was just an act. Maybe to me considering forgiveness is still easier than accepting that my own mother doesn’t love me but I need to see how that says so much lore about her than me. She used to tell me ‘I have no choice but to love you I’m told. But I DONT have to like you’

I do theoretically think people can change. But that's not what's happening here.

No real acknowledgement, just downplaying what you went through. No respectful request to be in your children's lives, just emotional pleas to pressure you into it.

You always wanted a living family, and you've made one for yourself with your kids. I don't think your folks will ever give you what you want from them and it will mess your head up to go looking for it.

Loving not living!

That’s my worry what if she ever did change and I had just given up but then I’ve given so many ‘last chances ‘ and she always hurt me again

"probably 80% of the time was awful and 20% they acted nicely so very confusing."

Serial killers only actually killed about 3% of the time. Their family and neighbours said they were very nice people all the rest of the time.

Unkind, violent, horrible actions towards others are the ones which define what kind of person one is, regardless whether they have managed to pass as a nice person the rest of the time.

Let him go. he has nothing good to add to your life. Look for someone who is not an abuser 100% of the time. The majority of people fit this statistic. Why risk it with the ones who don't?

Why? Why do you need to forgive them? You don’t need to redeem them.

I don’t know if I’m honest. I think the idea has just got into my mind. I know I can’t forgive but I keep thinking should I try when really I know it’ll just get thrown back in my face like it has before

It’s ok to accept you didn’t get a good parent. It wasn’t you, it was them. Forgiveness can help you move on… forgiving yourself for being a child who didn’t know better than to try to love when it wasn’t reciprocated, forgiving yourself for your journey through hell. Choosing to forgive the perpetrator is a different thing , and entirely up to you. You don’t have to and that’s ok. Your adult life is what you choose.. if you want to forgive and are able that’s great. If you can’t that’s also ok. I don’t think I’m verbalising this well tbh but go with how you feel and that’s exactly right

Oh, sweetheart. I'm old enough to be your mother and I'm just so angry and outraged for you.

What you need to do is let go of the hope that your parent will become a decent human being. Some part of you is still hoping, and that part of you is still in pain. I'm so sorry. For reasons that have nothing to do with you, that woman abused you on a horrific scale and continues to abuse you by minimizing the profound wrongs that she has done to you.

Please stop all contact. For your sake. For the sake of the little girl you were who never felt safe. YOU get to let go of the hurt, YOU get to make decisions and have autonomy over your life, YOU get to be whole. YOU get to feel safe. YOU matter. Stop all contact and take care of you--for that little girl.

I forgave my stepdad the years of abuse I suffered at his hands. Physical, sexual, emotional. I needed to in order to move on from it.

As he was with my mum until he died, I kept seeing him after I left home. As I'd forgiven him, and kept on choosing to forgive him, I could tolerate being in his presence. I saw him soften in his old age. I saw his strength fail and saw the love for his grandchildren grow each time he saw them. They were never left alone with him and my mum. I never saw any of his flare-ups after I left home, as he knew I was no longer a subservient little school girl who had to do whatever he said, else she was forced to.

Forgiving my mum for allowing him to do what he did and not kicking him out was much harder, but I was able to do that after she died.

If they'd ever pushed themselves into my life like the OP, I'd have found it harder to see them.

Wishing you peace @CanitBeforgiven whatever you decide to do.

I saw this recently (link to a Facebook page) and you may find it helpful..Caroline is a trauma recovery coach. She specifically talks about narcissists (which your Mum may be) but I think this applies.

I think you owe it to your kids to protect them. You yourself don’t have to have a relationship with someone who treated you badly. You don’t have to forgive and forget to heal.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0u4hcSd4WPRT2e5431UFAeV81UF3MNyUgR932kY5pBADFjuQpMRVxWC7DGmfsKufTl&id=1388627254762206

Hi Op@CanitBeforgiven

I get the overwhelming sense from your Op thread,
that they are really mimising gas lightening the serious extensive long term harm they did in your life, at your most vunerable stage of life.

You don't owe them anything op@CanitBeforgiven at all,

They are not entiled to your forgiveness at all. !

that's up to you if you forgive them in any way, ?!
Forgiveness is very nuanced in its essence
(it's various shades of grey)

I take forgiveness as meaning as you forgive as a way of not allowing them to have any power over you anymore, releasing this..
(letting go)
You don't have to allow them to stay in your life just cause of familial connection to them..

Once they subjected to any abuses as you experienced, They forfeited their right to enjoy being grandparents...

you only owe your children to be well emotionally and provide a safer environment..

I really do see anything in your post that really indicates your parents have fundamentally changed, in as far as self awareness and self improvement.

If there was ? they would definitely not be mimising gas lightening obviously indenial of severity of the impact of abuses is..

they would have recognised the severity of abuses and be ashamed feel a sense of guilt and be seriously looking into getting therapy themselves, or allrwady involved in that process,
and not doing this in manipulative way at all, on condition they see their grandchildren..

Oops sorry typo omission, I ment to say they automatically forfeited the naturally automatically assumption they can enjoy their grandchildren ect. !

Typo mistake word is allready

Oops sorry typo omission I ment to say I don't really see any indication of self awareness reflection on your parents part whatsoever..@CanitBeforgiven

There was a post on here a few weeks ago with a similar scenario.
The poster got back in contact with her parents who then proceeded to alienate her children from her with their wealth. It was a heartbreaking read. Don't let that be you.

It doesn't sound at all like your mum thinks she abused you so no way she's changed

I wouldn't want to forgive personally.

You said you feel forgiveness might help you move on.

I don't think it will from my personal experience.

What did help me move on was completely cutting them out of my life and therapy and them dying was even better.