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Original poster

What’s going on here? Early stage relationship

33 replies

Futurequestion · 13/05/2023 14:49

I’ve been seeing a lovely guy for 5 months. It felt like heaven - we were falling for each other fast, it was so romantic and felt good. We have been having serious talks about the future. Something changed a month ago though, after he came back from a trip to visit his daughter who lives abroad, and when he started a promotion at work. He’s been very stressed with work and couldn’t see me much one week. I thought he was going off me and suggested if he’d like to break up as I felt his feelings were gone. He agreed but then immediately said no of course not, we can work this out, I’ve been feeling disconnected but that’s because of stress and I’m enthused by our future together. Since then he’s still been busy with work, I still see him, and we’ve started talking about moving in together around the one year mark and booking a holiday soon. But I don’t know - things still feel like they’ve changed. It’s less romantic and all lovey dovey. He hasn’t said he loves me in a month. I can’t bring myself to ask him if he does as I wouldn’t be able to handle a no right now. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 13/05/2023 14:53

Cool it a bit. it sounds like too much too soon, then work and the visit to his DD have probably given him other stuff to think about.
At 4 months, you shouldn't really be thinking about a future together.
Concentrate on having a fulfilling life with and without a man in it.

Throughalookingglass · 13/05/2023 14:59

He couldn’t see you much one week because he had just returned from holiday and was very stressed with a new job and you asked if he’d like to break up?

Ive no idea whether he is as committed now as he was originally but what have your previous relationships been like? We sometimes jump/leap to conclusions based on our past experiences. Are you doing that?

It seems to have moved very quickly if within five months you’ve exchanged proclamations of love and discussed living together.

Your DP sounds like he has realised this and is slowing down and decided to get to know you properly.

Don’t chase him or ask him how he feels about you. Let things progress at a slower speed. Continue your life as it was before you met him. That doesn’t mean exclude him but instead he merged with your life instead of being your life.

xfan · 13/05/2023 20:49

How old are you Op?

Mari9999 · 13/05/2023 21:13

I would not put much stock in anyone who says that they love me after knowing me for less than 5_ months. I would think that they didn't know me well enough to love me, and I wouldn't consider moving in together until we had been together for at least a year.

If you are off put because he is stressed about work, that may be an indicator that you may not know him as well as you think or that you may not be as compatible as you think.

Why the rush? Why not take things slower and let the relationship evolve at a slower pace?

Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 13:13

So I brought it up. He’s exhausted and stressed and flat and is unable to give any
more right now. His work has taken over and he’s not coping. He insists it’s not me and it’s not about not wanting to be with me.

He said he can get quite down at times.

He has some annual leave coming up so may be more normal then.

Despire what he says, I wonder if he’s trying to get me to break up with him and he’s lost interest.

OP posts:
Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 15/05/2023 13:19

Probably lost interest. Pull back. Let him call. Let him suggest seeing eachother. Don’t text or call him.

Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 13:27

Yes I have pulled back completely.

He also said he’s not used to having a woman be nice to him. His ex cheated on him.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/05/2023 13:30

So you've spoken to him about it, he says it's not about you he's stressed and anxious about work, so your response is to assume he's lying and pull back from him?

Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 13:32

Whataretheodds because despite what he says, I don’t believe him. My gut feeling is different. He’s not consistent.

OP posts:
Iwrote · 15/05/2023 13:39

It's only been 5 months, you don't know him well enough to understand what's going on. Relax a bit and stop all the talk about moving in together, you've not known him a tomato season yet.

Yankeescot · 15/05/2023 17:32

OP, perhaps chill out a bit. You've only known him 5 months, which is no time at all. You haven't known him long enough to know how he responds to stress. This may be his normal response to stress and just needing to decompress. He'll need to get organized now he's got a new job with different processes he's learning and probably new responsibilities.

I'm currently about 1 month in of being absolutely exhausted and wanting to just kind of hang out alone at home after work. I've been with my partner for 3 years. And I absolutely love him to pieces. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We're both mid-50's with grown kids. But I have very little energy at the end of my day to pick up and go to his house. Consequently, we're not spending the normal amount of time together. Our race training schedules are currently getting in the way as well. We're both long distance athletes, he's in a corporate job and I'm a full time Personal Trainer and group fitness Instructor so we work different hours. But we give each other the necessary space without questioning or hassle, because we get each other. Because we've known each other for a long time. I understand how disappointed he gets during the week if we're not seeing each other(which is down to me and my current feeling overwhelmed with my life and schedule and being peopled out by the end of my day) And it's not personal. And he inherently knows, he doesn't need to ask. Probably because I complain incessantly about how tired I've been lately due to my damn schedule! Lol
If he, however, was asking me if I wanted to break up because it felt as if I'd lost my feelings from the early stages it probably would have tipped me over the edge if I was dealing with a lot of stressful changes.

It's only been 5 months. Just kind of go with it and see where things end up. Give him some space and take off any additional pressure. You'll know soon enough either way. Best of luck

Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 19:54

Like others have said at 5 months you should just enjoy the moment, perhaps plan a holiday or weekend away but what's the point in fixing a time to move in, won't you just evaluate when moving in feels a natural progression.
I would give him a bit of space but make sure he knows you are supportive.

RememberNancyDrew · 15/05/2023 20:27

So many possibilities - he could be a future faker, he could have just enjoyed the chase and now it's over, maybe the daughter said something to him that threw him off.

Just leave him alone. When he contacts you again, don't be available (because chances are he just wants sex).

FloydPepper · 15/05/2023 20:30

Whataretheodds · 15/05/2023 13:30

So you've spoken to him about it, he says it's not about you he's stressed and anxious about work, so your response is to assume he's lying and pull back from him?

Yeah I’m seeing a few red flags here and not from him

Niceseasidetown · 15/05/2023 20:36

I think it's two things, neither of which are about you per se but both of which might make you question his suitability for you.

  1. He deals badly with stress and the new job is showing this
  2. He suffers from depression (the "I get down sometimes" is meant to introduce you to the idea slowly...it's probably chronic and moderate not mild)

He likes you.

But he's not going to be able to show you that.

He can't manage his own moods and now the dopamine and cortisol and serotonin hormones have subsided youre seeing the real him.

Hes likely confused. The hormones made him hope that with you his lifelong mood issues had gone. That all he needed to do was find the right woman.

I don't think he wants you to break up with him. He wants you to accept a lifetime of his moods bringing you down whilst he takes no responsibility and possibly attempts to regenerate those intoxicating new love hormones by cheating or flirting. Maybe not.

I couldn't tolerate it.

But it isn't about you or his feelings for you. It's all and always will be all about him.

Just a guess.

Mari9999 · 15/05/2023 22:30

OP, you seemed to need a lot of reassurance for what is only a 5 month relationship. Have you never been under pressure at work?
I suspect that between your insecurities and his job pressures that this might not be the best relationship fit for either of you.

Adult relationships are not like teenage dating where you have to be on and in each other's pockets all of the time. Most of us have work, family, social responsibilities that can make significantly demands on our time at various intervals. As an adult yourself it is reasonable to think.that you might understand.

On the other hand,it has only been 5 months and if it does not feel right to and for you, now is a good time to end it. You shouldn't have to push yourself to feel good about the relationship. It either is or is not working for you.
There are lots of fish in the sea. Toss this one back and go fishing again

supercali77 · 15/05/2023 23:21

Are you typically Insecure? If not, I'd probably go with your instincts. If you are, that's probably partly the issue?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/05/2023 23:29

id take a major step back
live your life and try to be happy without him in it

i know that the love chemicals kick in and they become Center of your world 🥰

but already you can see you are not the Center of his world , and maybe he really has his own shit going on

but I agree to leave him alone
and assess him when he inevitable comes back
(for sex and companionship )

Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 23:31

No, not insecure

he’s completely changed

and I don’t think it’s all work, and even if it is, it doesn’t feel good

he said he doesn’t know what to do
when I suggest he may be depressed or anxious, and to see his doctor, he shuts it down

earlier he said he’s toxic and brings everyone down and he’s not good in relationships

of course I get work stress etc I’ve had it many times in my life

he says I’ve been perfect, kind, understanding and patient with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 23:31

He’s texting and calling like he always does, it’s not like he’s vanished

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/05/2023 23:33

"earlier he said he’s toxic and brings everyone down and he’s not good in relationships"

Honestly? Believe him

Original poster
Futurequestion · 15/05/2023 23:35

supercali77 he’s experienced a lot of trauma in life
I don’t know if it’s his depression talking
I’ve not experienced it until now
either way I’m extremely concerned by his comments

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/05/2023 23:37

Just give him some space, everybody gets stressed from time to time. Seeing his DD and a new job may throw him out of balance for a few weeks, the last thing he needs at this time is constantly reassuring a 4 months girlfriend that he is still interested 100%.

If I was in his shoes, I would probably be asking for some understanding given the circumstances any more pressure and I would be wondering if I should stay or run away.

bluebell34567 · 15/05/2023 23:50

do you know anything about his past from friends etc.
how old is he? did he have long term relationships? children?
he doesnt sound convincing to me and i agree with your feelings.
something doesnt sound right. i wouldnt completely believe his traumas etc.
if it is giving you pain i would well leave it alone.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2023 23:52

It shouldn't be this hard. End it and move on.