How am I going to recover

[Shookethtothecore]

My husband is leaving me. This is my second marriage. My first husband left me with a small baby because he didn’t want to be a dad (the pregnancy was a joint decision) and he had an affair and liked her better than me.

this marriage he is leaving because I am not enough. He told me this, no one has cheated, nothing major. He simply doesn’t get from a relationship what he needs and what I give him isn’t enough.

he works away alot, he’s out a lot, does his hobbies a lot and I have been a stay at home mum to our 3 children their whole life. I had a job before, I gave it up to care for the children as his job was away.

he wants these standards of me I just can’t hit no matter how hard I try and he’s just decided to discard me now because he isn’t happy with me. This way he still gets to see the kids and concentrate on what makes him happy.

I do the best I can, I know I’m not perfect but I have done every aspect of care for these children. Every night feed ect, and more overwhelmingly, their emotional care. I’m sure at times I’m a nag or grumpy but isn’t this just being a human?

i have had a therapist and she thinks he is abusive. I’m sure on some levels he is but he says I only tell people my side of it so that’s why they tell me these things.
I honestly don’t know what I do that’s so wrong that he doesn’t want to be with me.

I have lots of friends, a good family, I look good (take care of myself) I know these are shallow things but I am holding on to them

I am devastated for my children, how can I raise them well when clearly something is so very wrong with me that husbands leave me. I get some marriages end in divorce. But two? I’m only in my 30s

I’m imagining I’m in for a bit of a fight soon. To keep my children in the home they know, my life practically will now become a struggle but I can deal with that I will make it work for my children no matter what.

but how do I even to begin to recover personally. How do I get over not bending enough when I have gave it everything and I honestly believe our relationship looks as good as any other normal relationship.

what is so wrong with me that it’s so easy to leave.

he says I’m stupid and he’s amazed he got this far with someone so stupid because I don’t see the issues untill he’s screaming them at me and it’s too late.
He says he’s been unhappy for years but I look at messages and holidays and life and I just don’t see it. He’s sending me flowers one week, telling me the next that I’m impossible.

his main issue is that I don’t make him feel as loved as a wife should. That I am defensive (I feel under attack a lot) and I don’t apologise without an excuse (again, I’m apologising for things I feel I’m being attacked for)

I know I’m making excuses but what’s the alternative I agree to everything?
I know I’m also telling this only from my point of view so I know it’s not fair. I don’t want to give too many outing details.

Im rambling sorry.

but basically how am I going to emotionally recover from being so replaceable and easily discarded.

thanks

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you. I really don’t feel like I deserve it but I guess I would say that wouldn’t I.

I don’t think anyone deserves this really

You need to reframe this as being his problem.

How can he be so cold/heartless/cruel/selfish?

The problem is not that you're easy to discard or replace, the problem is that he is emotionally abusive.

What you have to do now is to put yourself first. Don't agonise over him. Put your energy into yourself and making yourself happy.

You are enough.

Your “D”H sounds horrible, abusive and manipulative, and so frankly his opinion of you doesn’t matter.

You have, so far, picked wrong ‘uns. That’s not really anything to be ashamed of. Anyone can make a mistake or two.

Thank you. I know. But what If it isn’t true?
he’s so good at convincing me that it’s me.

some days I can see that it’s him. A lot of the time I’m just so sad that it’s me.

Im so so sick that I have to start all over again and be strong and struggle again.

I'm convinced that it is not you @Shookethtothecore and you are not stupid.

No decent person, repeatedly tells another they are stupid. My guess is that you were already vulnerable after your 1st marriage ended and your H was looking to have the upper hand in the relationship.

You need to get angry with this arsehole and you need some back up. Tell your family and friends what is going on. Don't keep any secrets, or keep things 'private' for him. You get to decide how you react to this and what support you need.

You poor thing, there's nothing wrong with you, he's a piece of shit. He's used you to build the life he wants, got a family out of it but didn't take on any of the stresses, responsibilities or comprises that go with having children. He has eroded you, whilst doing whatever he wants.

He's a user.

You're bruised at the moment, but this really is good riddance. This is a chance to think about what you'd like and build a new life for yourself.

I don’t see the issues untill he’s screaming them at me

Well there’s one issue for a start. He can go to hell, with his screaming and criticising. He does sound abusive.

OP, I doubt if there’s anything wrong with you. You’ve twice made a bad choice of husband, but that’s just bad luck and poor judgement. You could work on that with your therapist, to improve your self-esteem and your boundaries.

Sending you a hug. Build a happy home for yourself and DC, they’re the people who count in your life. I hope you find a better man one day, but remember you are complete without a man anyway.

Like another poster just said, reframe this. You are only in your 30’s you have your whole life ahead of you, a real chance at happiness for you and your children. He has gifted you and your children an opportunity to life a calm, happy life without them being exposed to their mum being emotionally abused.
it will be hard at the beginning but you will be free and then you can really invest in yourself. He has destroyed your confidence and tried to make you feel you can’t do this but you can.
rejoice at getting this abusive fuckwit out of your life, it might not seem it now but you and your children’s life will get so much better when you leave him.
good luck. ❤️

Thank you. I’m crying now ha!

I’m very bruised. That’s a good description

I know I need to find the energy from somewhere.

he has said the most horrific things to me over the years, I wish calling me stupid (often) was the worst thing but it gets alot worse

I also know a decent person doesn’t do that to anyone and his anger is a choice he chooses to unleash on me as he doesn’t do it to anyone else so he can control it (thanks fantastic therapist that I can now no longer afford)

but I don’t know if the damage will ever fully go he has done to me. I think his voice will always be in my head on some level convincing me it’s my fault and I am worthless and that makes me really sad and scared.

Well he sounds delightful. It’s lovely that after he has systematically destroyed you, been utterly horrific he finally does something good and leaves.
OP you are the one in this relationship who is amazing! You have managed to bring up three children alone - with a narcissistic twat. You can do anything. If you’re really honest what has he done for you? What would you possibly gain from this utter cock being in your life?
Think of the simple easy things you can do first that will give you pleasure. Reading a book, watching what you like on TV, eating whatever you fancy - all without fear of twat face criticising you.
You can get a job - start small and move up. You can retrain - my bf became a midwife at 53!
You can do anything.
He is awful. You don’t need him. You’ll be so much happier once the soul sucking dickhead is out of your life.

Oh you are all so lovely thank you I am sobbing

Give it a few months and the "new" girlfriend will emerge.

I retrained last year, I run a little business from home for some extra money (because obviously I’m not on the accounts and the only money I was getting was what he gives me) and I work from home around the kids.
it’s the type of business that loads do and my skills are no different from anyone else but I’m busy and popular and people come back and that’s because of who I am and how I make them feel when they are with me. I’m really proud of that.

its not enough to live off and I’m going to have to get a job to live but I really hope I can still do it around a proper job as it is mine. It makes me sad that he can take that from me aswell.

@Sunflowergirl1 hes promised me there isn’t anyone else. Tbh I honestly think that would be easier if there was. The thought of me being not enough and so bad that he would rather be alone kills me.

I know that’s a really fucked up thinking, that I can’t take ownership of my mistakes so much I wish he had fallen in love with someone else rather than see it’s me.

he says I don’t take ownership a lot, problem is I’m not always sure what I’m supposed to be taking ownership for

It is only ever the person trapped in the relationship that can't see this is abusive.

^he says I’m stupid and he’s amazed he got this far with someone so stupid because I don’t see the issues untill he’s screaming them at me and it’s too late.
He says he’s been unhappy for years but I look at messages and holidays and life and I just don’t see it. He’s sending me flowers one week, telling me the next that I’m impossible.^

You are a victim of his behaviour and it makes me sad for you that he is continuing to gaslight you even now he has said he is going, rather than just allowing you to finally live a peaceful life!

Sounds to me that he has destroyed any self esteem you have....but so many men doing what he has done have someone in the background whilst giving you "The Script"

I think you need to stop listening to what he says about you. He isn't your friend.

He does sound abusive and when he's away from you, I think you will see it more.

You sound like a fab mum. A great businesswoman. Hold on to that! You can do this.

Look into what financial support you may be entitled to as a single parent household, given your children are young enough that you have needed to work around them you may find there are at least some elements of UC you could get. Even if it isn't much, it might help buy you some time before you have to make any further drastic changes (dad leaving sounds like a positive change to me, but still a big one to adjust to!)

He sounds awful. It's very clear HE'S not enough for you. He's been focusing on his career, his hobbies, himself basically whilst you've been doing everything else. Then he has the cheek to say you're not enough!

It’s such a cliche isn’t it. I met both my husbands when they had nothing. They became successful with me and I supported them doing all the skivvy work and hours and hours by myself so they built a hat they needed.

then they trade me in for something/someone else with less responsibility and more freedom because I am there to pick up the peices and continue to handle actual life.

I feel like training wheels. I am the stabilisers on the bike they use. The support whilst they are shakey but when they can “do it” they leave me in a box somewhere are ride off living their best lives

Lots of us have been where you are now. It all looks very daunting, take everything day at a time.

Box all his shit up and tell him to collect it otherwise it will be left on the kerb side. Take back the control that he was using on you. If he still has a door key get that back to.

You have children, he has to pay towards them if they are under 18 and in full time education.

Good luck 💐

I don’t even know you and I can tell just from your posts that you are FAR too good for him. He is abusive, you may not see it yet but when time passes and the fog clears you will.

I’m sorry your hurting but he’s done you a favour, I really think you need to be single for a while and really work on yourself. Women’s Aid would be good for you, have a chat with them about what’s been going on and look into the freedom program x

@AuntMarch thank you I have spoken to them.
if I get a part time job and he lets me keep the current mortgage we have (low monthly payments as it was locked in before the increases and still is for another few years) I can do it: it will be tight but that’s ok and the children can stay in their home.
problem is he’s saying that way he won’t be able to get a mortgage and he will have to rent which isn’t fair on him.
there is no way in hell I would get a mortgage and private rent around here would be impossible. Well private rent anywhere for me would be impossible.

I can’t think about the finances and the possibility of what could happen next yet. I think I might have a nervous breakdown