How am I going to recover

[Shookethtothecore]

My husband is leaving me. This is my second marriage. My first husband left me with a small baby because he didn’t want to be a dad (the pregnancy was a joint decision) and he had an affair and liked her better than me.

this marriage he is leaving because I am not enough. He told me this, no one has cheated, nothing major. He simply doesn’t get from a relationship what he needs and what I give him isn’t enough.

he works away alot, he’s out a lot, does his hobbies a lot and I have been a stay at home mum to our 3 children their whole life. I had a job before, I gave it up to care for the children as his job was away.

he wants these standards of me I just can’t hit no matter how hard I try and he’s just decided to discard me now because he isn’t happy with me. This way he still gets to see the kids and concentrate on what makes him happy.

I do the best I can, I know I’m not perfect but I have done every aspect of care for these children. Every night feed ect, and more overwhelmingly, their emotional care. I’m sure at times I’m a nag or grumpy but isn’t this just being a human?

i have had a therapist and she thinks he is abusive. I’m sure on some levels he is but he says I only tell people my side of it so that’s why they tell me these things.
I honestly don’t know what I do that’s so wrong that he doesn’t want to be with me.

I have lots of friends, a good family, I look good (take care of myself) I know these are shallow things but I am holding on to them

I am devastated for my children, how can I raise them well when clearly something is so very wrong with me that husbands leave me. I get some marriages end in divorce. But two? I’m only in my 30s

I’m imagining I’m in for a bit of a fight soon. To keep my children in the home they know, my life practically will now become a struggle but I can deal with that I will make it work for my children no matter what.

but how do I even to begin to recover personally. How do I get over not bending enough when I have gave it everything and I honestly believe our relationship looks as good as any other normal relationship.

what is so wrong with me that it’s so easy to leave.

he says I’m stupid and he’s amazed he got this far with someone so stupid because I don’t see the issues untill he’s screaming them at me and it’s too late.
He says he’s been unhappy for years but I look at messages and holidays and life and I just don’t see it. He’s sending me flowers one week, telling me the next that I’m impossible.

his main issue is that I don’t make him feel as loved as a wife should. That I am defensive (I feel under attack a lot) and I don’t apologise without an excuse (again, I’m apologising for things I feel I’m being attacked for)

I know I’m making excuses but what’s the alternative I agree to everything?
I know I’m also telling this only from my point of view so I know it’s not fair. I don’t want to give too many outing details.

Im rambling sorry.

but basically how am I going to emotionally recover from being so replaceable and easily discarded.

thanks

Thank you.
oh I am being single for a very long time after this.
@mumof4andlovinglife yes my first marriage I was very young. It absolutely comes from low self esteem and the therapist I have had really helped me see that.
this is going to massively knock myself esteem if I let it because I was doing better, having actual boundaries and beginning to put them in place.

ironically- if you knew me in real life and not behind closed doors you would never believe I put up with anything.

its like I can see it when it happens to someone else but when it happens to me o just allow it and allow it and allow it because I don’t even see it

It's really tough. I am divorced three times myself, all my choice and each one takes a piece of you. Sort out the practicalities and you will realise in a couple of years when the decree nisi is complete that you did it and you gave a great life.

I was always brought up to believe that marriage was the wholly grail to aim for, but I've been with my partner 10 years now and we won't be getting married. To my mind it makes you out up with shit you wouldn't if you were just bf and gf.

It will get better but there is more to traverse first, as you know.

Thank you all so much I can’t tell you how nice it’s been reading some encouragement. I’m going to have a shower now and do a weekend of kids parties and sports matches but I’ll be back in a bit.

Your lovely words really do help, thank you

He is emotionally abusive, and you are naturally going to mourn the relationship you wanted. You need to move on and learn to be independent. A relationship should enhance your life, not drag you down and make you question yourself.

I’ve posted this before, so I hope others don’t mind me repeating myself.

Ive been where you are and just couldn’t seem to be enough.

I found myself a chartered clinical psychologist. I have put my trust in her. When she says my ex is an entitled bully with narcissistic traits, I believe her.

My ex tells me otherwise. But as he is not a trained chartered clinical psychologist with years of experience in the NHS, I don’t bother to listen to him or believe anything he says anymore.

I now realise the only way he can feel better about himself is by making me feel worse about myself.

It is money very very well spent.

OP you are enough and there is nothing wrong you. I think the only "problem" is your low self esteem. If you have no self acceptance, if you constantly doubt yourself and believe in everything people tell you about yourself then you are more likely to attract men who are abusive and manipulative and then you blame yourself rather then seeing red flags for what they are.

It doesn't mean you are not enough, it doesn't mean you don't deserve to be in healthy, happy relationship or that nobody will love you the way you should be loved.
The only thing that's stopping you having all those things is your own subconscious choice of men.

I would continue with therapy and use what happened (as awful as it is) to question your own beliefs and how they influence your life.
If you take what happened as a proof that your beliefs about yourself are correct nothing is going to change.

You might not have a choice about the end of your relationship or what other people do but you have a choice of what interpretation you'll attach to it. And that choice is very important and it will influence rest of your life so make it empowering.

Thank you all.

this is horiffic and I want him gone so much. He is scaring me and making me go crazy. Refusing to leave, telling me what I’m going to have to do and he knows I can’t afford a solicitor and he can. I just need him to go so badly so I can breath.

how can I get him to go.

@mumof4andlovinglife

How do I do that? I have no proof? Well I have text message convos?

How do I report something that isn’t a 999 issue?

Hi @Shookethtothecore it's not your latest post but really stuck with me.

You sound amazing! Please be your own training wheel now and you'll get super far.

@Isheabastard I think you replied to one of my posts yesterday and gave great advice. I have a counsellor but wonder how you access a private clinical psychologist as I'm really struggling and feel that I need professional mental health support

Couldn’t read and not comment. I was you five years ago. The single best thing I did to get rid of hearing his voice in my head was counselling. If you can, get a great one and keep going until you learn how you can prioritise YOU. The stronger I became, the more happened: he moved out, I remortgaged, he got his own place, I now refuse to allow him to speak to me condescendingly etc.
Childhood dynamic would have primed you to unconsciously find these horrible men. You are enough. Write this out and pin it to somewhere you can see it every day. You have got this. Things will get better. You will recover from this. Big love x

@Shookethtothecore so sorry to hear you're going through this, I'm in a similar situation- H left me 7 weeks ago, fell out of love with me after 8 months of non-stop arguing, he's unable to discuss anything without screaming and shouting at me.

I'm also a family lawyer. Your H is abusive. Go and report the abuse to your GP and also get support from an IDVA - your low income may then qualify you for Legal Aid for the divorce but you have to have proof of the abuse (hence why you need to report it).

I'm so sorry that you're a victim of your H's behaviour, I can assure you that no-one deserves this. Surround yourself with your people x

Also, since you're married, it's not up to STBEX husband how the finances are split. Getting the divorce process underway is a must and if you have access to any of the bank accounts transfer half into a personal account of your own.
I would record his rants etc with the police for your own safety should he escalate.

@Helpots I found my therapist by looking at the websites of local practices, then I looked through all the profiles til I found someone I felt was a good fit - so a chartered clinical psychologist, female, similar age, specialised in relationships etc. She was a good fit for me. I pay her £100 an hour, but I needed someone with the authority/experience/qualifications so that she could undo all the nonsense my ex had been putting into my head for the last 30years.

If you don’t mind Zoom, The Purple House Clinic was recommended to me.

@mumof4andlovinglife I said ex but he is actually my STBXH, and I was living in the same house til a couple of months ago, although I’m still in the same road. I try and avoid him as much as I can.

Shooktothecore. I’ve also been told that if you have had an abusive childhood or low self esteem, that abusers can literally sniff you out, and that is why you have ended up with two of them. But I also think that at times the person with the more dominant/selfish personality just becomes an abuser because they can. As time goes on they just take more advantage of your good nature.

Perhaps you can reframe it and just see that all this just shows you that you are just a better/nice/kinder person than him.

It’s not you op. It really isn’t. It’s him. His insecurity. His weakness. His pathetic neediness. You are enough. You really are. He’s not enough for himself so he’s projected it on you.

OP, maybe you keep finding the same man but expecting a different outcome. You should avoid men that you perceive as needing your support to become financially successful. You now need to put those same efforts in gaining financial independence for yourself.

It really doesn't matter who owns what behaviors, the relationship is over and the real focus needs to be on where you go from here.

You need legal advice and to begin looking for full time employment.

OMG you are so much better off without that loser in your life! Celebrate rather than be unhappy. Think of the things you can do for yourself without him! It might not be easy but it will be 10 times better than being with someone who doesn't respect you.

Morning.

thanks everyone it’s really helping.
i told my parents. It sounds silly but telling people makes it real because their reactions make me see it’s not ok.
they told me they always thought he is controlling and needs help and that I am not alone and I will be ok. I didn’t even tell them the worst parts not even close to them.
I have bought the freedom project online.

the second I told him I’ve told my parents it all changed. After a full weekend of abuse and constant interrogation and anger he switched.

he’s sorry, he hates seeing me like this. He’s booked a counsellor and he’s going to be more present. He’s been playing with the kids and cleaning ect.

I find this harder. I know it’s a cycle I’ve done it before but it’s easier to walk away when he’s screaming at me. I guess that’s why he does this. When I reach rock bottom he stops and knows I don’t have the energy.

i told him he still needs to go. He’s working away this week anyway so I will have peace for a bit today

Oh and I’ve been reading that book someone up thread recommended.

it’s scary because it’s very accurate.

but then I think maybe I’m looking for it to be accurate and I’m not thinking fairly?

He's being nice because you telling him you told your parents means he knows this time it's serious.

Be very careful op. Don't tell him anything else. Grey rock. This can be quite a dangerous time.

Keep posting on here too.

“but then I think maybe I’m looking for it to be accurate and I’m not thinking fairly?”

OP - my heart fell when I saw these words. What you’ve described is appalling abuse. You’re being plenty fair. It doesn’t matter that sometimes he’s nice. The fact that he switched when he knew you’d told your parents tells you that he knows how to behave properly. He chooses to treat you appallingly. That’s a choice he’s making every time he does it. Of course, you’re not perfect - no-one is. My DH and I can argue quite fiercely from time to time. But he has never behaved the way your H behaves and neither have I.

That voice questioning you now - that’s his voice. You’ve been trained to hear his voice instead of your own. You’ve learnt to hear him - not you. That’s what years of the cognitive dissonance of domestic abuse does - you’re a victim of violent crime (and violence can be emotional and psychological, not just physical) living at the crime scene with the perpetrator. The crime scene is your home, where your safety should be guaranteed, and the criminal is the person who should love and cherish you.

You will need careful and supportive therapy to unpick this. But he is the problem, not you. Get him gone and get yourself on the road to recovery. Let your parents help you.