Exactly how fucking seriously does your partner have to beat you up before the police take it seriously instead of censuring the woman for overreacting?

[Deidretheelf]

Okay. First time was many years ago (about 20) and I didn’t call the police because I’d been strangled unconscious, was young and didn’t really know what had happened except my neck was black from breast to chin and my head hurt.

The next time was about 8 years later when a landline phone had been thrown in my face, my nose was bleeding and my face felt so sore I thought it could become black eyes.

Coppers turned up 10 minutes later, nose bleed stopped, cleaned up nose, amazingly my injured eyes hadn’t turned into full blown black eyes yet, so the police said I’d lied about serious injuries that weren’t there when they arrived. Not true. Anyway apparently you’re supposed to let them give you a right good kicking so there’s major soft tissue injury, broken bones or damaged organs.

Someone standing in front of you saying they’re going to kick the shit out of you, starting to do it but you’re supposed to actually wait until they do a serious injury before calling for help?

That time a copper wrote down my statement in his note book and forced me to sign it without reading what he’d written by saying my kids couldn’t get out of the -5 temperatures in pyjamas until I escorted them in. So much pressure is put on to minimise or deny things.

I’ve been dealing with a few local domestic violence groups and they described the police (esp female coppers) as institutionally sexist because the (along with social services, some schools) they view all children’s care, clothing, school work, hygiene, diet, education, social life to be women’s responsibilities and men’s contributions as laudable extras. This even applied if the father does not work or have any responsibilities outside the home and admitted to spending all day drinking and trashing the house. Statutory agencies writing lists of demands ‘mum must do this, mum must do that’ whilst Dad just has to not be pissed for a few hours a week.

Gimme bloody strength.

Sorry for the rant. But in my local area we’ve actually been warned that if anything kicks off over FA Cup weekend police are unlikely to help and we’re having it arranged we should agree danger signals with friends like a kettle suspended from the front window or bottles on the windowsill in case we’re in trouble. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

Is this the dame
man? Different men? Are you with him / one of them?

It's definitely true in my experience that women get all the shit. If my ex is neglectful or abusive to our DC, it's my fault for sending them to stay with their father. Not the man's fault for being shit.
If my dc are in dirty clothes, unwashed, not eating proper meals and house a mess, social services would come down on me like a ton of bricks. If the dad does it, he's "trying his best".

The police are institutionally misogynist. Many seem to be personally misogynist too.

You can also see the frustration that despite everything you have been through you are still keeping yourself and your kids in a situation where you have to plan hanging bottles out a window as a danger sign if the police are going to be busier for a few days. I have no idea how often the police are at your place for you to be worried and need a contingency plan for a weekend when they might not come when called but when they see that you also take no action, it decreases their motivation to act when they know you will be back with him as soon as he is let out of jail. Unfortunately relying on the police to keep you safe day to day is not a safety plan when you stay in unsafe environments.

The only person in your life you have control over is you (and your kids). You can't control what men do or police do or anyone else does.

This was not my experience.

Yeah, they disregarded me the first couple of times when he was able to convince them I was hysterical.

But it was the Police who persuaded me to co-operate with them charging him with assault. They arrested him, they photoed his finger prints on my neck, they spent hours talking to me about how to help them - and persuaded me to speak up and hand over all the photos I had of the injuries he had inflicted in the prevous weeks.

And this after they must have been hugely frustrated because of all the calls over 3 years. "The only reason you aren't in hospital now is because you re-located your own jaw!' was the response of one, to me saying, "he's never put me in hospital".

When he was stalking me, they were more worried than me (I was still dissociated) and they did regular drive-bys.

When the restraining order ran out, and he moved his new girlfriend two doors away, they did a Claire's Law disclosure to her and told me to call them if he so much as looked at me the wrong way.

Keep reporting. They do get it.

It does sound like this man has been abusing you for the last 20 years and you haven’t left him. There isn’t much the police can do if you don’t leave him.

You are absolutely right that it is all on the mother. It isn’t fair, but it is reality.

the police can only do so much to protect your children. If you won’t divorce/separate, they have to keep living this way.

I am a police officer. This is not my experience at all.

I have consistently pushed forward so-called victimless prosecutions (where the victim withdraws or refuses to give a statement) to safeguard victims of domestic abuse. We receive regular training, make all relevant referrals, and any officer minimising such cases would not be tolerated. I can’t speak for all forces/areas but I don’t work with anyone who does not do all they can.

We are massively hindered by the CPS (not taking cases forward to court without support of the victim), by the courts (handing out pitiful sentences) and unfortunately often by victims who cannot or will not leave. I understand the reasons for this but equally it becomes difficult to safeguard someone who refuses any and all support offered.

I’m sorry if your experience has been a bad one, and would encourage you to report/complain to the relevant force. We all need to be doing all we can, and should be happy to learn where we can do better.

I have to say when I called the police because exh had sent me flying across the kitchen (I had told him I would call the police if he laid a finger on me again) they were absolutely brilliant - I was very grateful. They were very kind to me and removed him from the house

Why do you choose to stay with an abusive man?
The police can only do so much... You have the power to get away and be safe.

This is batshit - I'm a female police officer and no way would this happen on my watch .

Where in the world /country are you op?

Oh you chose to stay with him ? Then hands are tied .

We can't force a victim to give Evidence and without a victim willing to assist there's no case - it collapses st court if it gets that far - CPs only run victimless prosecution in quite extreme circumstances.

Yku have to help us to help you . We can't sort your life out or so it for you - we can help - you have to help us too.

Yeah I've now read
Post in full.

Another person expecting other people to sort their life out . We aren't miracle workers .
I'm not sexist - I'm a single woman , living my life , raised my kids with their father, now Independent, feminist , support all victims , make or female or anything else.

This kind of blaming everyone but you're own choices does grate .

Are we right in thinking this is the same man all these years? If so, is leaving him a possibility that you've thought about? I'm sorry that you're in this awful situation.

There are problems in the system, I agree - but what is stopping you leaving such a disgusting violent man? That's not meant to be a sarky question, either, there must be reasons.

I have been a victim of dv in different ways - as a child at the hands of a step parent I could do nothing

Then in a very controlling relationship which I left after 5 years.

It can happen to anyone .

But choosing to stay and blame everyone else is like buying a kettle sticking your fingers in the boiling water and then trying to sue the manufacturer.

People do have choices and there is an abundance of help if you want it .

You can't blame the Police if you refuse to help yourself

We do need to take responsibility for our lives sometimes, especially if the people we're looking at to do it for us aren't helping.

If the police can't/won't do anything, why can't/won't you run away so he stops hurting you?

Infact, the thread title should be posed as a question to those who stay when they are able to leave.

Exactly how fucking seriously does your partner have to beat you up before the police take it seriously instead of censuring the woman for overreacting you do something about it?

Op I hear you and I know many that this happened to

Thankfully they were good in my experience
But it is just so hard and I'm so sorry you have been through this 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

I’d been strangled unconscious, was young and didn’t really know what had happened except my neck was black from breast to chin and my head hurt.

Thats not what it looks like or feels likes when you’ve been strangled unconscious. Sorry, I did not read past that as I could not suspend my disbelief.

Blaming the police for not leaving your abusive relationship..? I think you are directing your anger to the wrong place. They aren't responsible for your decisions/choices/doings

What would your preferred outdone be op ?

If yku want him arrested and charged then you have to support a prosecution and give a statement and be prepared to go to court . There is a wealth of support for this - witness care are fabulous and hand hold you through the process.

If you want to leave the police can help find refuge , and find you domestic violence advocates and support.

If you just want to blame someone for your choices - well- they're your choices and no one can change that for you - only you can do that .

Why don't you take some responsibility for your role in this shitshow? Everyone knows the police is underfunded and overstretched. You are gambling with your own life here, not sure blaming the police is the answer to the problem.

In my experience the police were fantastic when my now ex husband kicked the shit out of me. The courts not so. He got a fucking fine. Although they did apply a lifetime restraining order which he ignored at first.i went to the station to tell them he was harassing me in the street and tried to mow me down as I was waiting to cross the road and again they were brilliant and went round to see him immediately and warned him he would be arrested if he did it again.