Exactly how fucking seriously does your partner have to beat you up before the police take it seriously instead of censuring the woman for overreacting?

[Deidretheelf]

Okay. First time was many years ago (about 20) and I didn’t call the police because I’d been strangled unconscious, was young and didn’t really know what had happened except my neck was black from breast to chin and my head hurt.

The next time was about 8 years later when a landline phone had been thrown in my face, my nose was bleeding and my face felt so sore I thought it could become black eyes.

Coppers turned up 10 minutes later, nose bleed stopped, cleaned up nose, amazingly my injured eyes hadn’t turned into full blown black eyes yet, so the police said I’d lied about serious injuries that weren’t there when they arrived. Not true. Anyway apparently you’re supposed to let them give you a right good kicking so there’s major soft tissue injury, broken bones or damaged organs.

Someone standing in front of you saying they’re going to kick the shit out of you, starting to do it but you’re supposed to actually wait until they do a serious injury before calling for help?

That time a copper wrote down my statement in his note book and forced me to sign it without reading what he’d written by saying my kids couldn’t get out of the -5 temperatures in pyjamas until I escorted them in. So much pressure is put on to minimise or deny things.

I’ve been dealing with a few local domestic violence groups and they described the police (esp female coppers) as institutionally sexist because the (along with social services, some schools) they view all children’s care, clothing, school work, hygiene, diet, education, social life to be women’s responsibilities and men’s contributions as laudable extras. This even applied if the father does not work or have any responsibilities outside the home and admitted to spending all day drinking and trashing the house. Statutory agencies writing lists of demands ‘mum must do this, mum must do that’ whilst Dad just has to not be pissed for a few hours a week.

Gimme bloody strength.

Sorry for the rant. But in my local area we’ve actually been warned that if anything kicks off over FA Cup weekend police are unlikely to help and we’re having it arranged we should agree danger signals with friends like a kettle suspended from the front window or bottles on the windowsill in case we’re in trouble. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

OPs previous posts show a very unhealthy relationship. They also show that they have been very recently having IVF treatment.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

Ivf ? You're ducking kidding.

Op I'm out . You're a dick. Fuck off blaming everyone else and grow the fuck up - you can't protect yourself, you blame the police
Then want to bring a baby into this ?
You're a dangerous idiot . You'd subject a child to this abuse ?

Can't read any more .

Oh and trust me all the dash risk assessments will be on record so hopefully any potential child will be on the at risk register the minute you are stupid enough to conceive with your abuser .

I always want to help anyone who wants to help me help them .

This just comes across as shifting blame to the police when it’s your partner that’s at fault. Then you - there’s only so much they can do to help a woman that chooses to stay with someone but then keeps ringing the police.

Please don’t have children, this will ruin their lives.

Maybe the question should be "how fucking seriously does your partner need to beat you up before you seek help, leave , and stop blaming everyone else for your poor life choices "

Better question.

Just leave him

I am shocked at the amount of people who think an abused woman has that much choice in this situation - she must be terrified of him. Plus she obviously feels she has no support from the police (even if that isn't necessarily true). Maybe she has nowhere else to turn?

It isn't her fault she is being abused. Yes she could try to leave, but she has probably got no self esteem left after years of being treated like this. Not to mention that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Maybe she, understandably, fears for her life.

Maybe there's a lot of maybes going on there .

Maybe she's not in fear .
Maybe she is - ther is help out there
Maybe she's got no where to go
Maybe she would have if she utilises the support that is out there
Maybe she wants to stay because she loves him and when it's good it's good
Maybe she does t really want to think about it unless it gets shit
Maybe she wants to blame everyone else
Maybe she wants to stay and have kids with him
Maybe she's not very bright
Maybe she is very bright bits doesnt listens to anyone else's opinion
Maybe maybe maybe

the result is the same . A woman who has seemingly little insight if she can blame all and sundry instead of looking at her own choices and decisions.
Because she will and does have choices
She's called police now a few times - thats was a choice- the right choice
The wrong g ones came after
The police
Do t just turn up say oh well and bugger off again
They do and submit dash risk assessments regardless of whether she wants to do
Anything.
They get compiled and logged . Dv services will have tried to contact her off the back of that .
Cops will have probably previously arrested him .
No charge would come because she doesn't give a statement and expects someone with a magic wand to bounce out of the shadows and fix it all for her without having to do anything g for herself.

Do t even begin to lecture me on dv because I've been there and I know .
But sitting there doing nothing but whinge isn't a long term solution.

I probably drove my friends to distraction when I was in an abusive relationship. Yeah I was a cop . It shouldn't happen to
Me should it - but it did . So I can say with absolute confidence and clarity- the op has options - she does t want to look at them yet . And that's fine . When she ri gs 999 after another beating police will go - and they'll do what they can until she decides to help them help her .

Why do you choose to be with the man?

It’s hard to know OPs current situation. She mentions 2 incidents but not who did it. Is it the same individual or two separate relationships? Also she talks about general advice given as she’s worked with domestic violence groups. Does worked with mean volunteer or do you mean get help from as you’re still in such a situation?

What a badly written post with stupid emojis

I would be mindful of the impact it might have on someone considering going to the police and be put off

It's certainly not my experience and I feel sad that someone like you is advocating for domestic violence victims

I get you can only leave when you are ready to leave, despite what those who care about you most will tell you.
But, how long do you give that someone to leave before your sympathy dries up?
A lot less than 8 years!
You need to get a grip of your life before expecting the police to take you seriously.

Not my experience. I called when he’d been shouting at me so no violence. Six officers came round they were nice. Bloke was very much, look I’ve seen it before it never gets better, it always escalates, told me I could always call, that I should get support from GP/ womens aid.

Removed him from the premises but didn’t charge him. I divorced him. Life is much too short to put up with an abuser in your life.

Oh bloody hell, this, and his use of 'hookers and blow'? Oh op run now!

They can't force you or anyone to leave people have to own that themselves

Read your original post back again OP. This is not in anyway normal.

No wonder the police are overstretched.
I would take some responsibility yourself and make plans to remove yourself from this violent situation.

I had 2 kids, no family and no money, he controlled everything, even what i wore, council said they wouldn't help me as i'd be intentionally homeless, he held me under water in the bath, my 5 year old son went and got a neighbour, they then went and gave HIM a cup of tea as he made out he was in shock!!! another time he smashed me in the face with a phone, i still have the scare, no police action

one time i spat in his face, i was arrested and held in a cell for several hours.

you don't have a fucking clue & sound like your in the police yourself.

Op, presumably social workers concentrate on the Mother achieving targets, because the Father is 'drinking all day and trashing the place'.

As a child raised by two feckless wonders, I have no tolerance for any excuses. If you stay and get beaten up, that's awful and a terrible life. If you raise your child in that environment, that's inexcusable.

I can also tell you that be big taken into care is far better than watching DV or experiencing it yourself.