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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriends best mate

64 replies

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 15:45

Recently set my boyfriends best mate up on a date with one of my close friends. Naturally myself/boyfriend were brought up on the date in conservation. My boyfriends best friend then decided to casually drop into the conversation, that i need a good seeing too....

It took her about 2 weeks to mention it to me as she felt really awkward and didn't want to cause any tension between us all.

I'm really annoyed, but don't know what to make of the comment.... thoughts?

OP posts:
LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:17

@IsThereAnEchoInHere I'm upset about the comment towards me, but i'm more upset he would say that on a date to my mate, its so disrespectful

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 12/05/2023 16:19

I don’t think it meant he fancied you OP. Saying that usually means you need a good shagging, ie you’ve got a broom handle up your arse and need to relax. And have more fun in life.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/05/2023 16:19

So the implication is that you and your partner are not having sex? Or is he suggesting he's the one who should give you the "seeing to"?

module · 12/05/2023 16:21

So he says that his best mate is lacking in the sex department, and your boyfriend takes that as a slur on you?

module · 12/05/2023 16:23

Whatever he meant, he's an idiot.

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:24

@module Either way its directed at us as a couple, where it means i'm stuck up or he isnt up to it sexually. Your mate should be putting his 2 pence in

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 16:27

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:12

@ThatFraggle my boyfriend is really annoyed, but due to his job hes been working 6/7 days in a row and hasn't had a chance to speak to his mate face to face.

We are planning on getting engaged and he flat he said i'm annoyed someone is talking about my future wife like this

My point is not that your boyfriend agrees with how he spoke about you.

The point is that this is someone with poor judgement. This is how people meet spouses - introductions from friends' partners etc. And he messed it up. You are never going to send anyone his way again, even if he decided he didn't fancy this particular date. For him not to have opened his mouth and said that shows incredibly poor judgement.

Then what he said is incredibly crass. Yes, between close friends you can make off colour jokes, but to a stranger you're trying to impress on a date???

AND he's misogynistic.

So this is a guy who is dumb, crass, and misogynist.

But your BF thinks he is his favourite person in the world.

So, either:

has he not noticed the stupidity, the crassness, and the misogyny.

Which would mean they are probably on the same wavelength.

OR

He has noticed but doesn't care.

That would call into question his character. So because they've been friends since year 2 he will tolerate anything?

The character questions aren't a big problem during the good times. But when there is an illness in the family, stressful events, true character shines out, and that will be the last thing you need in a crisis.

The dating stage is for finding out if you are compatible. Things like this are the kind of thing which help you decide.

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:31

@ThatFraggle

100% agreed, hes messed up on a potential partner, who's is a lovely girl and didn't deserve the crass comment.

i honestly think he thought it was a funny off the cuff comment that she would brush off and they would laugh about.....odd!

OP posts:
LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:32

@determinedtomakethiswork Possibly him! He's very complimentary towards me, making comments about my figure, always saying i'm a very pretty girl etc...

OP posts:
module · 12/05/2023 16:44

He's jealous.

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:58

@module I've said this to my bf, his friend is single and lives alone and has'nt had a relationship in years....Where as we live together, do nice things, are looking to get engaged. Maybe he's jealous of my boyfriends life?

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 12/05/2023 16:59

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/05/2023 16:19

I don’t think it meant he fancied you OP. Saying that usually means you need a good shagging, ie you’ve got a broom handle up your arse and need to relax. And have more fun in life.

Gross.
Some people are so awful….

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 17:00

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 16:58

@module I've said this to my bf, his friend is single and lives alone and has'nt had a relationship in years....Where as we live together, do nice things, are looking to get engaged. Maybe he's jealous of my boyfriends life?

Hasn't had a relationship in years... we can see why.

The question is why does your partner value this person as a best friend?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 12/05/2023 17:01

But that would be totally weird comment to make, if he was jealous.
How does these things go together, I don’t understand?

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 17:04

@ThatFraggle To be honest i feel like now he values him a lot less.
My boyfriend is close with the best friends parents, they took him in when he was on hard times. We even stayed at there new house a few weeks ago....

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 12/05/2023 17:04

He makes comments about your figure?

He sounds a right creep

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 17:06

@bringbacksideburns Yeah like if I've lost a little weight he'll comment and say i'm in good shape etc - in front of my boyfriend, so i brush it off

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/05/2023 17:10

I would take that as he thinks you're uptight

Tulip2478 · 12/05/2023 17:12

That saying usually means they fancy you/find you attractive. That's what it has meant whenever I have heard it said. With the comments about your figure etc it's the most likely explanation.

LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 17:12

@PrincessHoneysuckle possibly, but if he thinks that or not, bad taste on a bad with my friend.

OP posts:
LouLo2121 · 12/05/2023 17:14

@Tulip2478 I think so, but i dont want to stir the pot with my boyfriend

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 12/05/2023 21:09

@LouLo2121 heard that expression a lot in the workplace and it’s only ever been used in the context where they think about someone is uptight. Sounds like he thinks you need to loosen up a bit and was making a bad joke about it.

booboo24 · 13/05/2023 10:11

I've heard this comment said a lot by men overs the years about different women, but it's never been a compliment, they've always meant they're miserable or uptight and need sorting out! (In their view). Can't believe he's stupid enough to slag you off to your best mate, but I also can't believe she told you

MorrisZapp · 13/05/2023 10:17

You dodged a bullet. I met DP because his best mate and my best mate were in a relationship.

We started going out, then they split up. Eeeek! It has been ever so slightly awkward ever since. 25 years of it 🤣

LouLo2121 · 13/05/2023 11:59

@booboo24 yeah he might think I’m stuck up, but hey.

my best mate really didn’t want to tell me, I had to get it out of her.

OP posts: