How do I tell my 5 year old :(

[thisisasurvivor]

Hello all

Some of you may remember me and the support I got not so long ago

Now my dilemma is
How do I tell my 5 year old what happened

Her father tried to kill me and we ended up in a refuge when she was just a few days old

She remembers nothing
She is with me and my parents

And I talk to her about how families are different and we are safe now etc
But nothing clear about what has happened

How do I approach this ?

I wouldn't at this age..

Me and my mom had to go on the run when she was pregnant with my brother, bio dad was abusive. After he really hurt her and terrified me, running was the only option left. So we ran away and lived with a prostitute for a year 😬 thats a whole other story🤦‍♀️
Growing up she always just told me
"Some families don't have daddies"
And then when I got a little older she slowly added to the story ..
"Dad wasn't a nice man and didn't want to be a family with us"
Until eventually I was a teen and she told me the truth. I was ready for it then.
The important thing was, she never lied to me growing up, just told me age appropriate reasons.

Why do you want to tell your 5 year old now ? Are they asking questions??

At 5, tell her nothing about the abuse. you can get some fantastic books in the library about families coming in all shapes and sizes.

If she remembers the refuge and you’ve moved around a lot and struggled, but are now safely supported her your parents, she might have some distressing memories. The best way to tackle this is to reassure her that sometimes children AND adults feel sad or afraid, but mum, grandad and gran will always make sure that things turn out okay. And that she can always talk to you if she feels worried or sad.

At this age she needs to feel as safe and loved and doesn’t need more detail than that about how you have fought to protect her and yourself.

Presumably she doesn’t have any contact with her father? I’m assuming that’s the case

I wouldn’t tell her either unless she’s older. I say that as someone who’s parents had similar and I was told and it scarred me for life. Just say mum and dad aren’t together and dad was a nasty man. Till she’s older at 5 that’s all she needs to know.

Amazing

This is what I was thinking and thank you all xxxxxxxxxxx

Please don’t tell her that her Dad was a nasty man; when it’s the right time tell her that he did nasty (or unkind) things.
At some point soon she’ll learn that children inherit characteristics from their parents and you don’t want her to believe that in some way she has inherited this and is also a nasty/ bad person.

Absolutely!!!

I actually think it's wise to tell her that her dad was nasty so you left. 'Because we don't excuse bullies or try to be friends with them. We stay away from them'. The sooner kids are taught to avoid bad people, the better.

You don't need to go into details. Just say he turned out to be a very mean person and you didn't see it at first. And wish you had realised sooner. But you got free and its so important that we can spot mean people fast and avoid them as much as possible.

Then discuss general examples of mean behaviour.

Yes I wouldn't describe him as a nasty man in case she internalises it. But I would tellhier he wasn't very kind. She'll have a lot of kindness stuff from school so she'll have her own understanding of that.

You can add to it in an age appropriate way as she gets older and asks for more detail.

Could you tell er a little bit in a way she understands?

Like a bedtime story where you are the queen and you were gifted a princess and a bad troll wanted to hurt you but you used your sword and defeated him to make sure the kingdom was safe? Or that there were princes who were after a princess but one of them was naughty and tricked the princess until she gave him her crown but one day the princess fought back and now has her crown forever while the naughty prince has to live far away?

She will grow up curious but what you don't want is 14 year old DD and all her hormones turning on you for keeping her and her beloved Daddy apart all these years and then she has to deal with anxiety and rejection issues her developing brain cannot process.

If you trickle information as she grows up, she is less likely to be curious or paint him as a saintly figure later on.

Also - you are such an inspiration to survive him and come out the other side better and stronger. You really are a kickass queen!

At 5 you tell her nothing at all about it. Is he in prison? Is he out and about somewhere?

What has she asked so far about a father?

No the c-nt
Got off the bastard

After a long trial and loads of evidence

Messages even admitting what he did
We are well away now

She just often says does my friends have dads? Etc

So I tell her some families look different

And we are lucky to have our small family

No issues

But
My parents think she should be in therapy now??!!

I don't agree but also don't want to rock the boat

All these are just perfect

Thank you 🙏❤️🙏👋🙏

I was in a similar situation (but still pregnant when I left). I have told my son that his dad wasn’t able to be a safe dad to him and so I left to keep him safe. I also told him that his dad had lots of good qualities and regularly try tell him the positive things he inherited from him. My son seems ok with this much knowledge for now.

P.s. the great big book of families is a great book.

I'm an adopter. We have 'life story books' that explain why our DDs ended up with us.
You could do something similar.
Start with Now.
You are Katy Annabelle Smith. You live with Mummy, Gran and Grandad.

Then pictures of new born and say You grew in my tummy and Dad James helped make you' or whatever.

Then something brief like 'When you were just born / small Dad James was angry quite a lot and he hurt Mummy, so Mummy took you somewhere safe called a refuge for a while / 2 years and then after that we went to live with Gran and Grandad.

etc.

This is similar to my story and the suggestions that pps have made are perfect but please can I advise you from experience ? Please when she wants to find him when she is a rebellious teen ,tell her he is dead. Don't do what I did and help her meet the arsehole like I did with my son. Tell her he is dead or in heaven . My mum said this to me and I wished I had listened to her as it seriously backfired for me sadly . I beg of you x These men are evil.

@Feelinnotworthmuch i am so sorry to hear that. I don’t intend to let my son meet his father as a teen and absolutely will not be telling him his full name until his a grown adult. I also intend to tell him that I will not even contemplate telling him his full name so that he can find him until he has gone to counselling and understands the full risks involved. I think that perhaps because he is a son and (as it turned out but not as I knew) his father was very sexist that he may be accepted. I also think as a strong, tall 20 something he will be at less risk than as a teen as he will be physically much more of a threat to his then aging father. But he will need to fully understand the risks involved in meeting someone who could turn violent and he needs to understand that he is not under any circumstances allowed to reveal my address/workplace/whereabouts and why. I don’t think a teen is capable of understanding these things, so he won’t be finding his father until at least his mid/late twenties and possibly not even then.

Just remember that kids with absent parents tend to fantasise about them - how they might turn up one day, be like a superhero, love them. I wouldn’t risk this if he is a dangerous man. When she’s older if he turns up for her, she may very well go with him if she’s had years of such fantasies. If she knows he doesn’t behave nicely and is someone to stay away from it may help stop her developing these ideas in the first place.

if her focus is on how her friends have dads and she doesn’t, maybe go to a meet up for single parent families so she can see kids in the same situation. Books and shows with single parent/same sex/grandparent only households.

and therapy as a preventative/early intervention sounds good. They’re not gonna pop a five year old on a couch and start dissecting their trauma. She won’t even know it’s “therapy”.

amazing mum getting your daughter out. I’m sure it was a fight.

These are just wonderful

I had such a sad morning wondering what to do next and this has helped so so much

❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️

Also to the ladies who gave me the strength to leave I owe you so much xxxxxxxx

5 is too young. Tell her more in stages at age appropriate milestones.

We had a similar refuge escape when I was a teen and my sister was pre-school age. Although I don’t remember witnessing any physical violence, I have a few memories of our father aggressively threatening our mum and also threatening and raging at a few extended family members over the years. He then tried it with me. I was not having any of it, and that’s when we packed up and left.

Many many years later, I realised our mum had not really explained what had actually happened, to my sister or to other family members. I told my sister the whole truth a few years after she had finished Uni. I think that was the best thing for our Mum to do re. my sister. Our relationship with him was already distant. My sister eventually then went NC with him. I had gone LC/NC with him many years before. He’s never seen our youngest DC. I’ve had therapy as an adult. My sister has not. I have advised her to.

And you did it to protect your daughter. You’ve obviously done a brilliant job.
I think the life story book is a brilliant idea, I’ve read a lot of adoption/fostering books and they all seem to use them.

@PrimarilyParented

This OP- really sound advice for how to handle the issue at this young age. Always talk about different types of families that children can have and make sure - as hard as that is- that you give a few opportunities to look at a photo or two of DC father in a matter of fact way at some points in their lives and abit of info about extended paternal family . Reassure them it is normal to be interested and to talk to you. Approach the issue as being about them understanding their identity and satisfying their natural curiosity rather than encouraging the idea of any future relationship. The explanation that their fathers behaviour meant they were not a safe daddy is enough for this age, you can say they were unkind to you and that the police said this wasn’t ok either and told them off. Keep it simple and clear xx

@PrimarilyParented brilliant that is sensible . I wish I could go back in time and tell him he died. I now have a twenty something who visits him all the time and hardly ever visits me . 😭B*stard nearly killed us both when he was a baby.

Can I just add ,he got me at a very vulnerable time after a bereavement when I thought I would be helping my child.