Hi,
I’m not sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it’s not, I’d be grateful for some different perspectives on this in any event.
I recently found out that my wife has been saying some quite mean and cruel things about me to one of her female friends who she’s known a few years, via sharing what I’d considered to be personal discussions between us.
The comments were mostly about how I think I’m a good father, but I’m not really compared to others (i.e. that I do no more than average or what is expected) and that my wife doesn’t really think I’m a feminist, and that if she left, I likely would only then realise what she does for me and our household. Her friend was talking about someone else’s husband is really supportive and a feminist etc and my wife’s view was that is was the “dream”, suggesting that what we have together is far from what she wants, needs or should have.
In terms of me, I have quite a senior role (C-suite level) in a fairly large company, so there’s a lot of responsibility and work can be quite stressful. Notwithstanding that, I work two days a week from home and do the school run three out of five days (that obviously includes getting everything ready for the kids the night before). At weekends, I spend all of my time with the kids (I have hobbies but don’t really make time for them, I may go for a run once every month/two months).
In my life, being a Dad is really one of the most important things to me and in terms of time, most of what I do is either family or work.
Admittedly, I’m not the tidiest person and often after finishing work and doing bath and bedtime each night, I can be tired and so things like doing the kitchen etc aren’t number one on my to do list, or if they are, I can be too tired to do it. We argued about it and so I said we should get a cleaner to help out more, which we did. I recognised that I need to do more around the house and it was upsetting my wife, so I’ve made a conscious effort to do share of everything around the house, tidying, cleaning up the play room after the kids etc and making sure the main parts of the house are tidy in the evening, especially the kitchen. I’ve started to make sure I help with the kids’ washing more too. I’m not a great cook by any means, but I try to do the dinners at least twice a week, if I can’t, I suggest ordering food or similar.
I totally understand the need to vent to friends about things, everyone needs a sounding board. I don’t have many friends and my view is that I should have my wife’s back no matter what (abusive situations excluded) and so for that reason, I don’t criticise my wife either to friends or family. I also wouldn’t criticise her even if I could, because for me, that’s part of the trust that should be in a marriage.
The things my wife has said and shared with her friend have totally crushed me. As a fundamental part of me, I always thought ‘well I’m not perfect, but I love my kids and thought I was doing an okay job of being a Dad’, and hoped I was an okay husband.
Understanding what my wife really thinks of me has hurt me in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I’m also hurt by the fact she was so cruel about me to someone else, and shared personal information about our relationship I thought was just between us.
I know I’m not perfect and have been trying to improve, but understanding her true thoughts about me has upset me in a way I’m struggling with and I’m not entirely sure what to do. It’s so hard knowing my wife has such a low opinion of me.
My wife has apologised and says she still loves me. I’m struggling with trust and general sadness. I continue to do my best to improve.
My feeling now is that I really don’t want to share any of my thoughts or emotions, because I don’t know who they will ultimately be shared with or how, or if they will be mocked or criticised in a group. This isn’t how I want to be with my wife.
Fundamentally, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to change enough to give her what she wants or needs from a partner, husband and father.
Does this mean anything to anyone else? If you have any thoughts that would be helpful.