Advice for a husband please!

[Justarandomguy1]

Hi,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it’s not, I’d be grateful for some different perspectives on this in any event.

I recently found out that my wife has been saying some quite mean and cruel things about me to one of her female friends who she’s known a few years, via sharing what I’d considered to be personal discussions between us.

The comments were mostly about how I think I’m a good father, but I’m not really compared to others (i.e. that I do no more than average or what is expected) and that my wife doesn’t really think I’m a feminist, and that if she left, I likely would only then realise what she does for me and our household. Her friend was talking about someone else’s husband is really supportive and a feminist etc and my wife’s view was that is was the “dream”, suggesting that what we have together is far from what she wants, needs or should have.

In terms of me, I have quite a senior role (C-suite level) in a fairly large company, so there’s a lot of responsibility and work can be quite stressful. Notwithstanding that, I work two days a week from home and do the school run three out of five days (that obviously includes getting everything ready for the kids the night before). At weekends, I spend all of my time with the kids (I have hobbies but don’t really make time for them, I may go for a run once every month/two months).

In my life, being a Dad is really one of the most important things to me and in terms of time, most of what I do is either family or work.

Admittedly, I’m not the tidiest person and often after finishing work and doing bath and bedtime each night, I can be tired and so things like doing the kitchen etc aren’t number one on my to do list, or if they are, I can be too tired to do it. We argued about it and so I said we should get a cleaner to help out more, which we did. I recognised that I need to do more around the house and it was upsetting my wife, so I’ve made a conscious effort to do share of everything around the house, tidying, cleaning up the play room after the kids etc and making sure the main parts of the house are tidy in the evening, especially the kitchen. I’ve started to make sure I help with the kids’ washing more too. I’m not a great cook by any means, but I try to do the dinners at least twice a week, if I can’t, I suggest ordering food or similar.

I totally understand the need to vent to friends about things, everyone needs a sounding board. I don’t have many friends and my view is that I should have my wife’s back no matter what (abusive situations excluded) and so for that reason, I don’t criticise my wife either to friends or family. I also wouldn’t criticise her even if I could, because for me, that’s part of the trust that should be in a marriage.

The things my wife has said and shared with her friend have totally crushed me. As a fundamental part of me, I always thought ‘well I’m not perfect, but I love my kids and thought I was doing an okay job of being a Dad’, and hoped I was an okay husband.

Understanding what my wife really thinks of me has hurt me in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I’m also hurt by the fact she was so cruel about me to someone else, and shared personal information about our relationship I thought was just between us.

I know I’m not perfect and have been trying to improve, but understanding her true thoughts about me has upset me in a way I’m struggling with and I’m not entirely sure what to do. It’s so hard knowing my wife has such a low opinion of me.

My wife has apologised and says she still loves me. I’m struggling with trust and general sadness. I continue to do my best to improve.

My feeling now is that I really don’t want to share any of my thoughts or emotions, because I don’t know who they will ultimately be shared with or how, or if they will be mocked or criticised in a group. This isn’t how I want to be with my wife.

Fundamentally, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to change enough to give her what she wants or needs from a partner, husband and father.

Does this mean anything to anyone else? If you have any thoughts that would be helpful.

I can hazard a guess as to how OP came across this info - and that's why he hasn't been back to update (as he doesn't want to admit to going through his wife's phone)

If you snoop you need to be prepared to find out things you might wish you hadn't.

And to be fair, I don't think your wife said anything too outrageous, so if you feel "totally crushed" I would suggest that:

a. you're being a touch dramatic
b. you're a bit fed up as her truth hurts

Suck it up, learn from it, do better.

I learnt a million moons ago not to share the indepth parts of relationships with friends.

A 'bloody men' lighthearted moan is one thing, but when you start sharing the deep stuff, and the arguements you start tainting your friends views because doubtless you won't share every little nice thing they do as well. And there's just no way to pull back the damage you can unwittyingly do.

How did you find out about this? Were you checking her phone/social media? I really think she’s just venting, and just because you apparently never say anything negative about your wife, doesn’t mean she’s duty bound to do the same. I get it’s hurtful, but it really doesn’t sound all that bad to me.

I think some couples therapy is needed as you don’t seem to be communicating well.

I agree.

It often happens though when relationships are breaking down, point scoring and the aligning of sides.

Op it does sound as though you may have discovered this by snooping, otherwise she has a disloyal friend, we don't know, but if you were snooping you clearly don't trust her at the moment.

She could be devaluing you for some reason, or maybe you are oblivious to how unequal male and female roles are in the home, somethings amiss.
Unless you give more details your answers will be out of context and we can only guess. Only you know whether this conversation was had with real malice intended.

If you really feel this was discussed unfairly then I'm affraid your lack of trust in her disloyalty won't change by having a word with her.
Only actions will recitify this, ie: by splitting up, having two separate homes and deviding childcare 50 50 and allowing her to find the perfect 'feminist man'.

You sound betrayed.
I don't blame you and no I don't think I'd be confiding in her anymore.

Keep your own council = Equals you may as well live on your own.

He won’t be back

but I’m willing his wife to get the heck out of this marriage

Why are you willing this? Do you really think a broken family is preferable to a sensible conversation that might keep it afloat?

It’s not a “broken family” though if it’s a horrid marriage where one party is deeply unhappy and the other is snooping around

I'm usually the angriest feminist in the room and even I think this is a wee bit harsh. He is (in his own slightly clumsy way) trying to find out what he's done wrong and address it. A lost of them wouldn't bother doing that, they would just retreat to the pub/golf course/tv. For them to improve you have to at least allow for dialogue with them.

The problem is they just have no idea, any of them, how pissed off and exhausted most of us are about doing nine tenths of the work in our families.

Snooping
Unwilling to admit

spidey senses tingle

It's always unpleasant when you find out that your dp has been complaining about you behind your back. But has she being saying actually "mean and cruel" things about you, or has she just revealed true things you thought were private? Perhaps she has made other cruel comments you don't explicitly describe, but looking at the ones you do describe:

The comments were mostly about how I think I’m a good father, but I’m not really compared to others (i.e. that I do no more than average or what is expected) and that my wife doesn’t really think I’m a feminist, and that if she left, I likely would only then realise what she does for me and our household.
Do you do any more than average? Do you do any more than what is expected? Are you a particularly good father, or are you an averagely good father?
Would you say that a feminist is someone who waits until their wife is upset before trying to do more around the home? Is a feminist someone who, following such complaints, "tries" to make dinner for their children twice a week, leaving the other 5 dinners for a woman to make or telling her to use a paid service? If you were living on your own, would you have to do more housework and cook more?
This is not to say you are a terrible husband. Maybe your wife is right and you are indeed a pretty average husband - as you yourself say, not perfect, and quite messy - and not a committed feminist?

As I say, maybe she said something else that was actually mean and cruel. But if it's just this kind of thing, then it sounds more like it's factually accurate and just something you'd rather people didn't know, as you find it embarrassing.

You say your job is very stressful. Maybe that's feeding into your reaction?

This thread has really upset me, so many adult women saying it's normal, fine, acceptable, 'what women do' to annihilate a third party when they're not present to defend themselves.
I am a woman, I do not consider this ok behaviour. I have cut people out of my life for doing it, it's nasty it is definitely not what ALL women do.

Men do not meet up and list their partners faults as a form of entertainment or a way to pass the time. Neither do a lot of women. Despite the posters on this thread thinking otherwise, most people have boundaries and respect, this is not an acquaintance it's a life partner, you treat them respectfully even when they're not there, because doing otherwise HURTS.

If you have an issue with your partner you speak to THEM, how are they going to address the issue if you don't tell them? Obviously serious issues like abuse are different. If an issue is serious enough that you are venting to friends, your partner should already be aware of the issue, the OP was clearly blindsided by this because he wasn't made aware.

OP I hope you realise people exaggerate when they're venting to curry favour and sympathy, nobody wants to complain about a man doing a reasonable job so they embellish they make him sound shittier than he is. The fact she has shat all over your faith in yourself and your trust in her and her friend is awful. But apparently that's just what women do.

To all the women who are proud of bitching about their partners I hope your men are as disrespectful about you to their mates as you are about them.

I will say again. A character assassination on a third party who isn't present is nasty as is telling your friends 'he's shit at this' before giving him a chance to improve by telling him 'you need to improve this'.

You know like grown ups do..

Seriously this thread has pissed me off some of you are so smug about being bitches

I will say again. A character assassination on a third party who isn't present is nasty as is telling your friends 'he's shit at this' beforegiving him a chance to improve by telling him'you need to improve this'.
but she very obviously HAS told him to stop being so messy and help clean as they’ve fought about it. He’s “too tired” to do half, won’t step up when asked, and doesn’t care that she’s picking up the slack. Why do you feel she’s not ok to tell a friend how let down and trapped she feels? Why does she have to pretend he’s anything other than he is? He has agreed that’s what it’s like.

All I take from this is what a bloody great shit stirrer this “friend” is!

I hope your wife won’t be having anything to do with them again?

This was a private interception between the friend and the wife

the op has clearly intercepted by snooping

so why is the friend to blame

Interaction

Men absolutely do speak negatively about their wives @lilmishap i can't imagine where you got the idea otherwise. The men in my life regularly return from work /pub/gym with tales of what so and so had to say about his GF/wife, to the point youngest DS told me he was glad to be single. (I did point out there would be another side to the stories, obviously!) My male colleagues do it too. I'm even more surprised that as a woman you've never experienced this. I find that a lot of men like nothing more than bending a woman's ear with tales of how hard done to they are by their partners in the hope of eliciting sympathy.

I do sympathise with you OP.

Not much to add but while I do understand saying certain things to friends, that would really hurt me if my partner said to someone else such and such’s gf/wife was the dream but I wasn’t. I’d wonder who else he was talking about me to.

How many times, and for how many years, did your wife beg you to do your fair share around the house? How many times, (countless, I'm sure), were you "too tired" to do something she would end up having to do?

I'm thinking that if she didn't vent to her friends, you'd be buried in the back garden by now.

Heads up

@lilmishap is male

This is true. One of my friends said similar things about her partner not pulling his weight for years, constantly saying she may as well be single. So I struggle to view him in the best light now even though she seems more positive about him now. This is why you don’t badmouth your partners to friends.

Most of my friends don’t speak poorly of their husbands. The most you’ll get is a “men” followed by a deep sigh and a laugh about something relatively innocuous they’ve done, but any deeper disagreements they either don’t have or keep to themselves.

even though she seems more positive about him now.

presumably because he changed

And heads up.

You're the op's wife 😅

not really sure you’re point? 😐

I mean I’m not, but I have sympathy for her. Who wants their private conversations with friends being snooped on!

Seriously this thread has pissed me off some of you are so smug about being bitches

I imagine this male poster calling his wife and her friend “snug bitches”