What do you do if you're just seen as unlovable?

[TheUnloved]

On paper, I have it almost all. Successful job, own house, 2 kids who are no trouble, good at my hobbies. But from early infancy I have been taught that I am, in fact, unlovable. I got rejected by both parents at an early stage (no bonding in infancy due to illness which kept me in hospital, then their divorce, which meant I didn't bond with my father, a mother who blamed and hated me), bullied at school, a succession of abusive boyfriends and husband who obviously couldn't love me, either, or they wouldn't have done what they did to me.

I have been alone and single for a while now, a few men I pined for were entirely unavailable. But I recently realised that no one has ever loved me (children excluded, but they kind of have to, don't they - it's necessay for survival). I am at mid-life point. I am craving love, but have just been rejected yet again.

It all just feels so hopeless. Maybe my mother was right and I am worthless. But there is this tiny thing inside me going, hang on. There seem to be so many people out there who offer so much less than I can. I always give it my all, but I have had nothing but abuse. So why do these women get everything I need? Devotion, love, caring from people who deserve better, too?

All the therapy and meds in the world cannot change my brain structure. So, am I destined to be alone forever? Are there people who just cannot be loved, because they're that wrong? I'm not good-looking anymore since I got on meds and gained a lot of weight and I am trying to change that. But it's meds and be obese and gaining or be slimmer, prettier, but depressed. No one seems to care much about the intellect or the devotion anyway. Am I doomed to live a life like my mother who ended up bitter and alone?

Is there anyone for whom life took a better turn in their 40s? I have had all the therapy life can offer. It doesn't change things. Neither do meds. I am just alone and I keep reflecting.

No advice but I feel exactly the same.
And I'm slim so it makes no odds either

Just seems there is ALWAYS someone better than me they'd rather have

This used to be me. I embraced being single. Spent time with my kids as they loved me. Eventually I met a bloke. I took it one day at a time. I enjoyed hanging out with him, and I still do so I look at it as im hanging out with a friend. We got married and im happy 😊. I never thought I.d meet anyone else. In the past had abusive relationships with parents previous partners. I feel happy now. I decided that I was going to be my own best friend, so if I think mean things about myself. I think hang on I.d never say that to a friend so its not true about myself.

You say that no amount of therapy will change you and I think that's the nub of the problem there. Unless you can change how you feel about yourself and to love and accept yourself, you'll never let anyone else love you successfully. You'll always be looking for the evidence to support the hypothesis that you're unloveable. And if you look hard enough you'll find it.

Think of it like the unreasonableness that comes with PMT - you know you are irritable, looking for things to piss you off, to give you a chance to blow up and have a good old (unreasonable) shout. You can find anything - and I mean anything- to fit the bill, and it's often very unreasonable things that you get cross about. It's kind of like that. Your psyche will be like a heat-seeking missile trying to find the weakness in someone else's feelings for you - this is evidenced perfectly in the comment that your kids 'have to' love you.

Actually they love you because you're a good mum, that you show them unconditional love and are on their side. You hug them, read to them , feed them, have fun with them. All of that makes you loveable. They love you for who you are. You just have to let it in, and accept that some people, despite your best efforts to push them away, will like and even love you.

The deep seated mistrust you have of this dynamic is obviously rooted in your awful parenting by your mum and dad. But you can choose to move away from that narrative. They weren't nice, but you are (the evidence is there - your kids love you, you are successful at work, you are in here aware of wanting something new).

It takes trust to let someone love you. And that's scary.

Embrace the lovely you. Let people in, start with your kids, get therapy if you can. You really are worth it.

Just because you haven’t been loved doesn’t mean you are unlovable.

1. love yourself, do nice things for yourself
2. live others, make them feel appreciated, liked and special
3. think really hard about what it would be like to be loved- what would they say and do and how would you be

People always feel that life is black or white when actually it is vibrant and colourful. You can do and be anything you want to be. And you don’t necessarily need a book or a counsellor yo do it. Just see it how you would like it to be, give that energy out and attract it to you.

Start a gratitude journal.
Write yourself a bucket list of things you want to do, see or achieve in the next 5 years.
Love yourself.
You are not unlovable, you just weren't loved by the very people who should have nurtured and cherished you.

@TheUnloved Get thee a dog- A well reared puppy who has a love for humans
As an old book said “ Dogs never lie about love”

A lovely Nurse I met yesterday said she’s over men, just loves being with the family dog!

I agree with her !

What therapy has failed to do for you is to get you to understand that, in the nicest possible way, you're not special. Lots of people have therapy that doesn't work. Lots of people have parents who put them down. Lots of people have a long string of unsuccessful relationships. Some of the people who have all of these things find healthy relationships, some don't. You are just one of these people who have had those things happen.

That doesn't single you out as an unlovable individual. You are the person who decides that. And the way to decide it is by loving yourself, which is the best demonstration to you that you are, in fact, lovable.

It all sounds a bit like tosh, until you apply it. If a beloved friend came to you and said 'Am I fundamentally unlovable?', you wouldn't even entertain the idea. You would do whatever you could to get them to see that they are very lovable, and that you yourself love them. You certainly wouldn't say to them 'Well, your Mum thought you were a bit pants... maybe she was right, and you never will be loved.'

You have to recognise that you are responsible for your wellbeing. You are in charge. You are the adult who is the boss in your life, and you have a fully grown human being to take care of, just like many of us have children to take care of. It's the same process. You have to make sure the person is fed, warm, dry, comfortable, stimulated, confident etc.

What do you do, in the care of yourself, that engenders these feelings?

First of all, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling.

To be honest I think if you don't love yourself, seeking it elsewhere won't work for you. You need to love yourself first and foremost, I do get that is hard if you've had childhood trauma etc. I'm surprised therapy hasn't worked for you in overcoming this, what kind of therapy have you had?

If you've gone your whole life carrying this around it will take time and effort to change this but it can be changed. Remember, you are worthy, you are valuable and people do care (I care!) - regardless of whether you're skinny and "pretty" or not. Please don't think to be lovable you need to change yourself.

@TheUnloved I read a book many years ago about women who were drawn to damaged or narcissistic men.
I realised I was one of these women!
It was an eye opener.

You say you “ Pine” for certain men
I did that, too- had unbearable crushes, despite being an adult.
It was almost certainly because of early traumas - I couldn’t recognise a healthy relationship.
Someone might be able to mention the name of the book - Definitely worth a read.

I wish I could remember the name of the book
it was a huge best seller at the time-

Also “ Be your own parent “ was a good bit of advice given to me by someone who had had a hard life.

I'd say that using the phrase 'you are not special' isn't appropriate for somebody who has clearly been told that to mean 'you are not valuable or worthy of love'.

What I think you mean by that is 'You are NOT so spectacularly and remarkably unpleasant, unattractive and fundamentally unappealing that the only reasonable thing for anybody to do is to be at best indifferent but generally neglectful and abusive of you. That's on them, not you, it's their failing, as they were so deficient as people to not see or felt so threatened by all your qualities that they were unloving and uncaring towards you.'

OP, because you were brought up to believe that there was something wrong/unpleasant in your nature, it's likely that you gravitated towards people who felt familiar in the way they treated you and/or made you feel good because they gave you some scraps of attention or affection above anything you had experienced as a child, so you took what they offered due to naturally craving some warmth, probably accepting in return other treatment that was completely unacceptable and somebody without that deep seated bereavement (because it feels like one) would never have tolerated. This cannot possibly be your fault - again, it's the fault of the people you trusted as an infant and their letting you down by creating deep wounds in your soul.

You were worth far more than that as a child and you are worth more than that as an adult.

I'd say that the phrase was suitably qualified, @NeverDropYourMooncup , but thanks for your opinion. Very valuable.

You are unlovable until suddenly you aren’t.

I just don’t understand these laws people impose on themselves- someone didn’t love me so nobody ever will. Clearly, you unluckily had abusive parents through no fault of your own. Why blame yourself for that????

My relationship didn’t work out- except it was working out until it didn’t. Why blame yourself and decide the rest of your life has to be a certain way.

The rest of your life is going to be exactly how you choose it to be. If you want to pointlessly blame yourself for things that clearly aren’t your fault then you can’t complain when you are unhappy later.

If you want love, go and find it. Love fully and enjoy your life. We can’t always find certainty but that doesn’t mean we give up. Just find lots of different types of thing you love doing and don’t pour all if your hopes and esteem into another person. That’s not fair on you or them.

Go be happy OP

I used to feel like that.

What changed for me was realising that nobody would ever love me more than I would. And if I didn't love and respect myself, how can I expect someone else to. I know me best of all. I know me inside out, warts and all.

Being able to come to where I was able to point out my own lovely traits, and recognise that my less nice ones aren't as bad as some people's (who still manage to hold down a loving relationship took a bit of work over time but it really worked.

What that change in thinking brought about was pretty impressive - because I loved me and advocated for my own best interests, because I had that new sense of self worth, I seemed to grow in confidence.

The loneliness of being on my own kind of melted away because I saw that it's often far lonelier in the wrong relationship than being single. So I began to be quite content at being single. I stopped being desperate for a relationship to the point I'd lose myself trying to be whoever he needed me to be for it to succeed for a while.

That in turn meant that I knew within a first date that I wouldn't be happy so I stopped wasting time on men who were only ever going to hurt me. That led on to the self confidence and self worth being more visible and attracting men who respected and admired it because it mirrors their own self worth that rather than the insecure ones that preferred vulnerable women that they could manipulate.

That then meant that I had healthier relationships in general where my relationship requirements got met as much as his did.

It was a domino effect that started with me stopping being my own worst enemy.

The loneliness of being on my own

I think it's valuable to note that when you're with someone who treats you to all the best stuff, encourages you to do things you'll be pleased with, praises you and bigs you up, and is generally your all round greatest fan, it's hard to feel lonely.

And you can do all that stuff for yourself.

Start by putting this on and having a boogie

@TheUnloved absolute rubbish!

The only person who is unlovable is Hitler and even he had someone.

You've come from trauma and your relationships were skewed because of that. You can't have a healthy, loving relationship if you don't know what one is.

When we've been raised by shitty parents and had trauma in our lives, it changes us and we adopt unconscious behaviors that sometimes work against us.

Go back to therapy and try the Freedom course as well. Figure out what is good for you and then open yourself up to receiving that love.

Let yourself learn what red flags can show up e.g. love bombing, gaslighting etc and how to set boundaries and enforce them.

But most of all stop believing you are unworthy of love because that isn't true and until you recognise the hurt and injustices you faced in your life and deal with them, you won't heal and you won't be ready for real love.

How are you within a relationship as you say you give your all? Perhaps you give too much. You should aim for 50/50 effort. So if you find yourself doing more, take a step back and if they don't step up, they are not worth it, so bin. You are more likely to end up with the one for you by binning off the ones who aren't at an early stage. Plus, if you don't give your all, if it goes ties up, you have not over-invested so it's easier to walk away without being crushed and be pragmatic about it.

Thank you for all the responses.

But those saying it's rubbish, I've had relationships in between etc. Yes, I have, but I wasn't loved in them. I was abused or treated as an object in every relationship I've been in. You do not strangle, rape or shout at someone you love who is in a corner begging you to just stop.

OP, because you were brought up to believe that there was something wrong/unpleasant in your nature, it's likely that you gravitated towards people who felt familiar in the way they treated you and/or made you feel good because they gave you some scraps of attention or affection above anything you had experienced as a child, so you took what they offered due to naturally craving some warmth, probably accepting in return other treatment that was completely unacceptable and somebody without that deep seated bereavement (because it feels like one) would never have tolerated.

Yes, that bit is very true. But no one has ever seen me worthy of more than just a few scraps of attention.

My mother used to tell me that I was ugly inside and out all of the time. Called me fat when I wasn't, which later turned into an eating disorder - the main reason I am fat now is because I ruined my metabolism due to anorexia and bulimia. She used to tell me that I was manipulative when I cried due to her abuse. She used to tell me I was a stone cold bitch when I froze during another attack. She occasionally beat me (once with a stick for something that wasn't even my fault; she made me get the stick myself) until I was scared to put a foot out of line. She took every single one of my personal achievements and turned them into something nasty while telling the world (but never me) how proud she was of me. I cut contact a number of years back and she managed to get the whole family to turn against me and see her as the victim of a cruel, heartless daughter.

I have been on medication, have had various bits of counselling, have had CBT. I am aware of why I have mental health issues, but it's not change how I see myself on a fundamental level.

I read it on here, often, too - when someone is rejected all the time, at some point, you realise that the one thing they all have in common is you, so the issue must lie with you. I once told my mother about a break up from another boyfriend and she said exactly that. So if my parents couldn't love me, if I am friendless (I have a few people I talk to, but none who'd cover me in an emergency if that makes sense), if I never had a person actually love me romantically, there must be something wrong with me. And then I think, maybe my mother saw something I didn't and maybe she was right.

And yet I see everything I have and do. I am very good at my job and respected in that way by colleagues. I am a good mother to my children (well, with failings, but I do what I can in the circumstances; they are happy, have a roof over their heads, are fed and we have a good relationship). I'd like to think that everything I say and do comes from a good place; I never do anything to intentionally upset others. I don't lie. I try and live my life by a decent moral code.

And yet all I've ever known by anyone who isn't my child is personal rejection.

I'm sorry you were lumbered with abusive parents and a shit family, that's really unfair.

You're not unlovable you've just been taught you're unlovable by very abusive people. Why are you still listening to them?

It's very difficult to unlearn what you've been taught but it is possible, I have done it. I found a good counsellor and it took time but I did it. I also did a lot of journalling, gratitude lists, and read about emotional neglect and abuse.
You need to keep chipping away at the idea that you're unlovable, don't give up.

We choose to be with people who behave in ways we are used to and are comfortable with (like your family) because that is our norm and is familiar to us. This is a very deeply held unconscious belief and we carry on choosing these people even when we are unhappy with them. That is why you haven't found someone who loves you, not because you're unlovable.

After another crap relationship I was single for 7 years and spent that time getting to know myself (I know that sounds like a cliche but it's true) put boundaries in place, forced myself to get out and take part in activities that I enjoyed and slowly built up friendships. Which was not easy for me but in smalls steps I managed it.

I met someone a few years ago, it didn't work out but not because he didn't love me. Now I am single again and looking forward to finding someone else who will love me.
Don't give up

Goodmorning @TheUnloved and everyone else.

You sound like a good, honest, and decent person, who through no fault of their own has been taken advantage of time and again. It's time to tell yourself what a lovable, lovely person you are.

Please google the Hoffman Process. It's designed for exactly this sort of trauma. It changed my life (no I don't work there or get commission!)

Your childhood was horrific, as bad as anything I have ever read about.
You will have been severely traumatised and you will need to receive long term therapy from a trauma therapist or psychotherapist. CBT is completely unsuitable for what you went through.

All the therapy and meds in the world cannot change my brain structure.

There's nothing wrong with your brain structure - it's the thought patterns that developed in your formative years, your Core Beliefs, that are skewered (absolutely not your fault). They can be changed.

Have a look at these videos;

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Please consider remedial hypnosis - your issues are in your subconscious mind, not your conscious thinking.

I have a very similar childhood to yours, and I have felt exactly as you do. I wanted to give you a hug when I read that, its such a horrible way to feel. I promise if you keep engaging in therapy (I have had A LOT) you’ll start being nicer to yourself.

Once I started believing more that I am loveable, I got more friends, and my inner circle are my biggest cheerleaders. I’m still terrible at picking the right people to date, but I’m getting better at not accepting crappy behaviour from people, although I don’t walk away fast enough. It’s all still a work in progress.

I’m 42 by the way. In my late 30s, I really felt like nothing would ever change. Would strongly advise against CBT btw - I think it’s really unkind to suggest that people with significant trauma are somehow responsible for how they feel because they have wrong thinking patterns.

My therapist is psychodynamic - works really well for me. He’s recommending I try EMDR for the childhood trauma. I’m working on getting myself ready for that. I used to think I needed to be “fixed” - not seeing it that way anymore. It’s just growth.

Have you rejected people, OP? I did 'The Dumping Project', where I dated with the assumption that it was unlikely I'd meet my ideal partner on each particular date, and went along anyway, had a nice time, and used it as an opportunity to practice saying 'Nice to meet you, best of luck, goodbye'. When you realise you can walk away at the first sign of being even a little bit uncomfortable, you free yourself from further abuse, because to be abused, you need to stay in the relationship. Once you know you can walk away, you'll know you'll never suffer abuse again.