What do you do if you're just seen as unlovable?

[TheUnloved]

On paper, I have it almost all. Successful job, own house, 2 kids who are no trouble, good at my hobbies. But from early infancy I have been taught that I am, in fact, unlovable. I got rejected by both parents at an early stage (no bonding in infancy due to illness which kept me in hospital, then their divorce, which meant I didn't bond with my father, a mother who blamed and hated me), bullied at school, a succession of abusive boyfriends and husband who obviously couldn't love me, either, or they wouldn't have done what they did to me.

I have been alone and single for a while now, a few men I pined for were entirely unavailable. But I recently realised that no one has ever loved me (children excluded, but they kind of have to, don't they - it's necessay for survival). I am at mid-life point. I am craving love, but have just been rejected yet again.

It all just feels so hopeless. Maybe my mother was right and I am worthless. But there is this tiny thing inside me going, hang on. There seem to be so many people out there who offer so much less than I can. I always give it my all, but I have had nothing but abuse. So why do these women get everything I need? Devotion, love, caring from people who deserve better, too?

All the therapy and meds in the world cannot change my brain structure. So, am I destined to be alone forever? Are there people who just cannot be loved, because they're that wrong? I'm not good-looking anymore since I got on meds and gained a lot of weight and I am trying to change that. But it's meds and be obese and gaining or be slimmer, prettier, but depressed. No one seems to care much about the intellect or the devotion anyway. Am I doomed to live a life like my mother who ended up bitter and alone?

Is there anyone for whom life took a better turn in their 40s? I have had all the therapy life can offer. It doesn't change things. Neither do meds. I am just alone and I keep reflecting.

I have eventually dumped the abusive men, yes. But not at the first sight of abuse. Funnily enough, that has also lost me friends. My ex husband told everyone I cheated on him (I did not) and never told a soul that he had nearly killed me by strangulation and that he sexually abused me more than once, or that he used to shout me into submission, and break stuff to make me frightened.

To be honest, I don't even know where to draw the line between what is abusive and normal anymore.

@TheUnloved Some of what I read in your op, especially how the abusive relationships where you were treated badly and not loved have repeated again and again, seems to me to indicate that you haven’t learned how to establish healthy boundaries based on self respect.

It’s not a sign that you are unlovable. It is a boundary issue. Ideally you will learn healthy boundaries when you are young from healthy relationships within your family. You didn’t have that.

Abusive people are very skilled at recognising someone who has weak boundaries. They are skilled at recognising someone who has been through previous trauma. They view that person as an easy target.

You are just like anyone else who has been through trauma. Your experiences, your reactions, your thoughts are very normal responses to abnormal relationships and situations.

You are not unlovable. You are not abnormal. You are not wired wrong. You are responding in a very typical way to abuse and trauma.

Start working on having healthy boundaries. It is hard work and can be daunting when you have learnt time and time again that your boundaries and feelings don’t matter.

All people have equal value. You are not less than anyone else, you are not more than anyone else.

With that in mind build up your self esteem as an equally valuable human being.

Learn about healthy boundaries and self respect. Love yourself.

Some people who have found love in a life partner actually quickly rejected many people who for some reason didn’t make the cut. In other words, they didn’t settle for just anyone (even if they were initially attracted to them).

I’m single by choice, so I’m not an expert. But one thing I noticed about friends who have now been married for many years is that they had a very specific list of attributes or expectations for a potential partner. They wouldn’t settle for anyone who didn’t meet those expectations or criteria. Which some might think is unromantic. But it seemed to work. And they seem to be very happy in compatible relationships .

Was it Women who love too much?

One of my friends dumped her boyfriend simply because the birthday present he bought her wasn’t thoughtful enough. It was a nice present. It looked expensive. But she didn’t think that it reflected her and the kinds of things she likes. She was upset because she felt like he hadn’t gotten to know her well enough to recognise that this wasn’t a gift that she would like.

It seemed a bit harsh to me at the time to end a relationship over a birthday gift that you didn’t like. But I now see that she had a valid point. She wanted someone who valued her enough to make the effort to get to know her. And this gift proved the opposite. So, she dumped him.

She didn’t even consider that he didn’t get to know her because she was unlovable or inadequate in some way. She just viewed him as inadequate for her.

Perhaps change your thinking from I am unlovable to I am loveable but those people for some reason can’t see it. Oh well, that’s their loss.