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Original poster

On line dating . If he said this , would you unmatch

49 replies

justdiditagain · 11/05/2023 10:26

A man I am chatting to has commented on my photos after lovely ,
Respectful and interesting chat.
He said ... You are sexy....

Would you bin him off for this ?

He asked me what my
Experience was like on the app and I told him that beside the deviants and the unsolicited dick pics, it was fine , so he knows already that I am not into anything inappropriate.
Am I over reacting here .

OP posts:
datingred · 11/05/2023 10:28

Personally, yes, I think it is too much for someone you don't know, and I think any vaguely sexual chat is a red flag for me. Assuming you're looking for a relationship and not something casual

Opentooffers · 11/05/2023 10:30

Yep, I'd bin it.

Original poster
justdiditagain · 11/05/2023 10:31

Did t know if I was being a prude or not.
I tend to get rid at first sign of anything
Inappropriate.

Up to that point of chat, it was easy and respectful.
I do wonder if these men see these comments as flattering ????

OP posts:
AP5Diva · 11/05/2023 10:32

It’s an online dating app not Linked In. I would not bin for that unless it was in the first 3 messages.

TuesandThursNero · 11/05/2023 10:33

Yes
infact I did… last week

datingred · 11/05/2023 10:40

I have to also say, I've never had a dick pick or anything remotely like that because I delete at the first suggestion of anything sexual. Even worse if they mention something to do with sex on their profile. So I feel like it works well for me to ensure it's only decent guys I'm chatting to..

I just think something like "would my future partner/ my dad" or someone I respect etc say that to a woman they've never met on the basis of looks? And it's a no from me as I don't want the sort of man that does that

Sosadsolangafter · 11/05/2023 10:45

It depends on the pictures. If it's just normal clothes then I'd be a bit 'urgh' but if it was a posey shot in quite sexy or provocative clothing, then I don't think you can complain.

Original poster
justdiditagain · 11/05/2023 10:46

No just completely normal .
Dressed up in one for a wedding but the rest were completely natural

OP posts:
JuneShitfield · 11/05/2023 10:51

I think this is one of those 'if it jars, it jars' situations.

If it felt 'off' in the context of the conversation you were having, I wouldn't think twice about unmatching/blocking/calling it a day.

I am quite happy to be considered sexy been a while, frankly and in a dating context it is to be expected (unless the people concerned are asexual) but I know what you mean about how sometimes it feels inappropriate.

TuesandThursNero · 11/05/2023 10:54

datingred · 11/05/2023 10:40

I have to also say, I've never had a dick pick or anything remotely like that because I delete at the first suggestion of anything sexual. Even worse if they mention something to do with sex on their profile. So I feel like it works well for me to ensure it's only decent guys I'm chatting to..

I just think something like "would my future partner/ my dad" or someone I respect etc say that to a woman they've never met on the basis of looks? And it's a no from me as I don't want the sort of man that does that

Me too

and I’ve had a really positive experience

MyrtleSmurf · 11/05/2023 10:56

datingred · 11/05/2023 10:40

I have to also say, I've never had a dick pick or anything remotely like that because I delete at the first suggestion of anything sexual. Even worse if they mention something to do with sex on their profile. So I feel like it works well for me to ensure it's only decent guys I'm chatting to..

I just think something like "would my future partner/ my dad" or someone I respect etc say that to a woman they've never met on the basis of looks? And it's a no from me as I don't want the sort of man that does that

Whilst it's entirely your right (and quite admirable) to set these boundaries for what you want, I think it's a bit off to write men who say these things off as "not decent". It's a preference you have. I wouldn't date a man who was wearing a football kit or referred to "boozing with the lads", but that doesn't mean I don't think he's decent, just not someone I'd be interested in.

My partner is kind, loving, generous and thoroughly decent, he called me sexy when we first met on a dating site. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As I say though, it's entirely your choice not to like it or want to take things further on this basis.

Minikievs · 11/05/2023 11:41

It would give me the ick and I'd bin him off

Furbfurbfurb · 11/05/2023 11:44

He doesn’t know you. He’s leading with the subject he thinks is most important, regardless of whether you do or not. There’s no attempt to test the waters or get to know you.

At best, poor social skills.
At worst, he’s going to be all about the booty.

Original poster
justdiditagain · 11/05/2023 11:45

Well... and I could be flamed for this but the truth is that the men who have been leery and sent unsolicited pics have been creepy from message one .
They didn't think anything of this and thought me to be a prude.
They couldn't string a sentence together. Their lives revolves around booze , clubs and footie.
Mostly coparenting ... their words .... meaning that they lived with their wives and Spent weekends drinking , golfing and shagging anything that moved .
Majority of them police and construction workers .

This guy is very well spoken, educated to a very high level, healthy and fit and respectful in conversation to that point .
I've googled him/ reversed imaged him and all is transparent.

OP posts:
Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 11/05/2023 11:50

Yes. I wouldn’t have mentioned the dick pics though

Ungratefulorunreasonable · 11/05/2023 11:51

Entirely up to you. It wouldn't put me off, but it's totally fine to have different boundaries. If it made you uncomfortable, then I think that you should listen to your inner voice and make the decision thats right for you.

I hate the term 'prudish', we all have different comfort levels with regards to flirting, 'courting' and sex and no one should be put down for those.

Catastrophejane · 11/05/2023 11:53

No - don’t bin him off for this.

As a pp has said, calling someone ‘sexy’ in LinkedIn is one thing, but this is a dating app.

I see where you are coming from OP, but think you have to give some leeway here. I mean, It’s not something I’d say to someone, but I think we can all say that everyone commits the occasional faux pas!

I think people maybe struggle getting the tone right on OLD ( am not talking about the Pervs). After all, if he didn’t think you were sexy what is the point?

the best way to judge is to meet him for a coffee and see what you think.

Then you can bin him off if he’s a prick!

intothegreek · 11/05/2023 11:55

I was wary of not coming across too mumsy and friend zonish so that alone wouldn't bother me. You're there to find someone sexually attractive so it's in context. I'd run a mile if it got any hotter than that before meeting though.

Original poster
justdiditagain · 11/05/2023 11:56

Thanks.
I got great advice on here before to make sure I set out my expectations early so there was no ambiguity.
It's been a massive learning curve for me.
At first I was innocent and naïve and was giving men the benefit of the doubt .
Now I'm at a stage where I block/ delete at the first feeling of discomfort .

He didn't make me feel uncomfortable . He hadn't been leery and the reason when asked what I thought of the app, to tell him that I'd had these experiences and that they're not for me, was to prevent any nonsense from him if he was that way inclined .

OP posts:
Carrotpuffs · 11/05/2023 12:21

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. It could be very awkward flirting.

Watchkeys · 11/05/2023 12:30

You're too willing to accept derogatory names for yourself. Someone called you a prude? So what? Do you think you are a prude, or do you leave it up to others to decide what you think of yourself?

Healthy boundaries includes accepting yourself for what you are, without the need for labels. That's step 1. The basics. You don't need us to tell you whether we'd 'bin' him for this. What do you want? What do you accept?

Soakitup37 · 11/05/2023 12:57

it wouldn’t put me off, but each to their own. I’d be flattered, I assume he was trying to flirt which is hard to do on text.

straight up sex chat before we’ve even met however….

I think also asking these sort of questions to a group of predominantly coupled up women (some of whom have never used old) is going to give you biased opinions. If I asked my married 20+ years sister she’d be telling me to bin him but my sister who is still single and also uses old (as I do) would be saying different.

gardendream · 11/05/2023 13:03

You don't need us to tell you whether we'd 'bin' him for this. What do you want? What do you accept?

this. It jarred with you. Instead of accepting that’s who you are and that your feelings indicates what you want, you’re questioning whether you’re right to be like that.

It’s okay to be who you are and want what you want.

Dating is a learning process and you’ll change/refine what you want through it too. I reckon every man you feel uncomfortable around gives you a bit of information about the kind of man you do want. It’s all valuable information.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/05/2023 13:05

@justdiditagain I wouldn't bin him off on the basis of that unless it was his opening gambit- then I would!

There are some women who do genuinely like comments like that - and it's hard for men to know who does and who doesn't.

I would see how it goes. If conversation however turns sexual before you've even met- then in the bin he should go

AP5Diva · 11/05/2023 13:06

I agree sexting would put me off. But a conversation that around the 6-7th message had a “you’re sexy” in it would not put me off. I’m not asexual and I’d want a potential date to find me attractive and sexy to him/her. There has to be some attraction otherwise it’s one of those matches where you get along but it’s like brother and sister? Am I making any sense!? 😆