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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it me or him in the wrong?

47 replies

Chocolateandbananas123 · 10/05/2023 10:22

So I was just after other people’s opinions on a conversation me and my bf had last night/this morning.
We’ve been together 5 months, both have 2 children each. He has every other weekend without his children, I pretty much have mine all the time unless my mum babysits for me. I have recently started getting my 2 dd’s (9 & 15) to go stay at their dads 1 night every 2 weeks but apart from that all other childcare is done by my mum.
My bf wanted whole weekends with me, Fri thru to Sunday on our own when he hasn’t got his kids. We have done this twice in the last month. This weekend should be our full weekend together, my dd’s said they didn’t want me to go 2 nights so I arranged for just 1 night, Saturday morning until Sunday evening to spend with my bf.
I told him this last night, it didn’t go down well. He said my girls get me all the time and he would have to wait another 3 weeks for us to get a weekend together, and this morning he said it was the final straw. I thought it was quite selfish of him.
He lives 45 minutes away and me and my dd’s go and stay at his 2 nights a week and I go one/two nights on my own. He has been to stay with us 1 night in the last month.
At his we had last Thursday night on our own, we also have this Saturday, next Thursday and a night away planned next weekend, with a whole weekend together the following weekend. Who is being unreasonable here? This is my first relationship since coming out of an awful 12 year relationship.
We are both busy, I run my own business and he has a very stressful job but works from home and it is hard to find time sometimes while keeping everyone happy.
I am also waiting for my ex to let me sell our house, so that I can move closer to him but it’s taking a long time and is causing tension in my new relationship that it doesn’t seem to be moving forward.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2023 10:27

He is 100% in the wrong. As a parent himself he should know that of course your DDs, one of whom is still very young, don't want to be farmed out two full weekends a month!

Shouldn't be this much hard work at 5 months in. I would reconsider moving to be nearer him too, unless you were going to anyway for reasons not related to him. But he is sounding like an arse to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2023 10:28

He is. Very very very wrong.

Snoozingagain · 10/05/2023 10:29

I wouldn't be sending my children anywhere after 5 months

Isheabastard · 10/05/2023 10:34

The most important relationship you will ever have is with your children.

He seems to want it to be with him. I think he is being unreasonable. It’s only 5 months and he is trying to run your life in his best interests not yours.

The amount of time you spend child free with him sounds good considering your commitments. Is he annoyed because child free means more sex? You have good reasons for everything you do. He does sound like he is steamrolling you.

Many people would say 5 months is too early to incorporate him into your children’s lives. I would start seeing him less with the children in tow, and only see him alone on terms that suit you and your children.

please don’t let him bully you.

Pixiedust1234 · 10/05/2023 10:35

me and my dd’s go and stay at his 2 nights a week

After only 5 months of dating?? Hell no, put your children first where men are concerned.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2023 10:36

All this after 5 months? Bloody hell op slow down! Do NOT move away from family support to be near him. Do NOT keep sending the children away OR taking them to his. It’s far far far too soon. Imagine how they feel? To use a terrible MN cliché - give your head a wobble op. Those poor kids.

that’s before I even START on his demands.

Anaemiafog · 10/05/2023 10:38

You take your DD to stay at BF's house after five months?

Niceseasidetown · 10/05/2023 10:39

This has moved very fast in 5 months. What a huge change to your girls' lives. I bet the 15 years old would rather stay home alone.

He is showing you

A) he wants everything in his terms and won't compromise
B) he sees your girls' needs as less important than his
C) he is jealous of your relationship with your daughters
D) he gets nasty when he doesn't get his own way
E) he has no social life of his own
F) he will bully and pressurise to get what he wants

You must stand up to him.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 10/05/2023 10:41

Five months and you're planning to move closer to him?

Ditch him and concentrate on you and your children for a good long while.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 10:41

No no no noooooo.

No.

Your girls 'get you' all the time? Is he seven? No. So much no.

Pot8ohs · 10/05/2023 10:41

He is 100% wrong and selfish. Big red flags 🚩 OP

AnxiousShep · 10/05/2023 10:44

So where are your daughters supposed to go so you two can have all this alone time?
You seem to be throwing yourself head first into another awful relationship.

MapofVenice · 10/05/2023 10:46

5 months and he’s allowed to sleep in the same house as your children? 🚩

Oubliette86 · 10/05/2023 10:48

He is 100% in the wrong.

Absolutely!

As a parent himself he should know that of course your DDs, one of whom is still very young, don't want to be farmed out two full weekends a month!

This is where the problem might be as he is the parent that has his children two full weekends a month. It’s entirely possible he thinks the children’s father should be doing more.

Regardless though, OP’s children should not have even met him at only 5 months in, never mind be staying over.

HowRatherGolly · 10/05/2023 11:13

It it feels wrong to you, in the pit of your gut, and your mum strings are tugging, then you know its wrong.
What sticks out to me in your post OP is that things seems somewhat on his terms. No?
5 months into a relationship and it should be the two of you getting to know one another, not go into a full on relationship mode where each is resuming where the last partner left off.

Its not your job to cater for his needs in order to keep the relationship good. Not your job to drive those miles to see him so that you dont upset things.

Can you see how that is potentially making way for his terms or non at all sort of future?

It so easy to forget the principles you set for yourself prior to finding a new man, the errors made in the previous relationship will not be made in the new one etc, and then when he or she is found, we get so wrapped up in the love flame all sense swings out that door. Try and look at this relationship form a girlfriend perspective, and see what you deserve here.

80s · 10/05/2023 11:15

This weekend should be our full weekend together, my dd’s said they didn’t want me to go 2 nights so I arranged for just 1 night
It's annoying when someone agrees to one thing, then changes their mind. I agree with the others that the issue here is that you're agreeing to far too much - you shouldn't even have promised him the two days. But since you did promise it, he's within his rights to complain that you pulled out.

My dp has his 13yo 50-50. We've been together but living apart for 6 years, and I still usually go on nights when she is not there. You'd be better off with someone more flexible, maybe with adult kids like me and/or not wanting to meet up so many nights every week.

Moredrama · 10/05/2023 11:15

He is absolutely in the wrong!
What he’s saying is that he will have his children 2 full weekends per month, so the other 2 when he’s at a loose end should be filled with your time, despite you having children of your own. He’s being incredibly selfish. Of course in a new relationship you want lots of time together but he can’t expect you to ship out your children.

I’d be inclined to say something along the lines of “I’m sorry you’re disappointed that we can’t have another full weekend together for a while. As a compromise I’ve managed to arrange for DDs to go to my mums for a night (on whatever weekend he should have his children) so we can have some quality time together, so do let your DC mum know that you can’t have them that night”
See what his reaction is, whether he finds it a fair compromise or he refuses as he’s got his DC that weekend - I suspect the latter, which then leads to a conversation about why he thinks there should be double standards.

If he can’t sort his head out then you will need to move on OP. Five months in and he’s trying to turn your life upside down and make you feel guilty, you don’t need that

Velvian · 10/05/2023 11:25

Don't move closer to him, especially if means moving your DDs' schools.

Original poster

Chocolateandbananas123 · 10/05/2023 11:25

80s · 10/05/2023 11:15

I can see that it’s annoying when someone goes back on what they say, I don’t think I am a great communicator with things that I know are difficult and I was kind of expecting him to not be happy about it.
I am trying to keep everyone happy all of the time, my DD’s aren’t used to me being away for 2 nights at a time so I thought compromising this weekend would help as I don’t want them to start resenting him or the time I spend with him, if they do it would make it all a lot harder.
My children enjoy going to stay at his and would rather come with me than having to have my mum look after them for night. I spend as much time with his children as he does with mine, we tend to stay at his in the week when he has his 2. He does have his 50/50. We started doing this so we could see each other more, I think he finds it overwhelming when all 6 of us are together, which it is.
His point is we need the time alone to get to know each other better, which I also agree with and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s on his own when he doesn’t have his boys. He thinks he just waits around for me to find the time to see him between working, taking my girls to their different clubs and fitting in with them going to their dads too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolateandbananas123 · 10/05/2023 11:28

I was planning on moving away from our current area to not be so close to my ex, I would only be moving halfway closer so that I don’t lose the family/friends support that I have currently and my DD’s could still attend the same school.
I will definitely not be moving so far away, on the hope that it would work out as I don’t want to end up nowhere near friends and family if it doesn’t work out x

OP posts:

NameChangePoP · 10/05/2023 11:41

You've known this guy for 5 months and he's staying in your house with your children, and you're making your children stay at his house on occasion? Coupled with the fact he's jealous of your relationship with your own children - you need to run away. FAST.
Your children need to be your priority. You're making them stay at their dads so you can have time with this guy, even though they don't want to go?
I will never understand why women put men before their children like this.
For the sake of your children, please leave this man. And next time don't rush into anything or put your children in situations which make them feel uncomfortable.

80s · 10/05/2023 11:47

He thinks he just waits around for me to find the time to see him between working, taking my girls to their different clubs and fitting in with them going to their dads too
He's also working and presumably/hopefully taking his children to do things. But you're the one who's expected to go to his all the time, and you're the one who's supposed to move closer to him - after a mere 5 months. So yes, he IS the one waiting - for you to jump to his command.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 12:09

You really have moved on this way too fast, and somehow are seeing each other loads as it is despite family commitments, yet he wants even more.
He sounds too demanding of you, and in fact quite dull if he has no friends or family to occupy his free time when you are not available. I'm sure you've seen much less of your friends since meeting him. Be careful not to put all your eggs in one basket.
It might seem great that your DC's are happy to go with you to his 2 nights a week, but actually that was a crazy thing to start doing. So he sees you 3 or 4 nights a week and some full weekends also and that's not enough for him. I'd say its not surprising that you are now feeling the pressure as are your DC, and your mum may not be too chuffed either.
If he was good and understanding of your limited time and was satisfied with twice a week ( a more normal amount a few months in) then that would be great. But big red flags here as you are spending a lot of your time with him and still he complains.
I think you should call his bluff and dial it down, stop involving your DC so much, as when it goes wrong, it will actually be worse for them if they've grown to like him - which is the other reason not to involve them until it's further on and more solid, it's not all about avoiding psyco DC abusers, it's about preventing them from forming a relationship with them only to end up with everyone upset further down the line.
I think you will grow to get fed up of his demands, especially down the line when the honeymoon phase has worn off. Have you noticed its you putting in all the effort? He's barely been to yours, then it's you moving nearer to him.
I'd be inclined to make this the final straw for you actually, he's too full on and it's too much. Don't placate him, let him go if he doesn't like it.

Throwncrumbs · 10/05/2023 12:16

Yo take your daughters to stay at his two nights a week and you have only known him 5 months! Put your girls before a shag ffs!

billy1966 · 10/05/2023 12:21

You know him 5 minutes and he finds your children annoying while he sees little of his own?

He's sulking and petulant because you have children?

You are pressurising your children to be with their dad so you can accommodate a petulant new boyfriend?

This is not a good man.

Keep him the hell away from your children.

He's jealous of your inconvenient children.

Dump him.

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